To ask what you think of SAHMs?

[HarryHarryHarry]

For the past 3 years I have been a SAHM. I never imagined that I would be one but I actually quite like it. Eventually I plan to go back to work but it could be that I just work unskilled-type jobs instead of having a proper career. I really don’t know what my options will be when the time comes. I might just stay home and focus on my writing, which is my real passion, or I might go back to university and retrain in something. (We are lucky that we can currently afford to get by on just one parent’s wages). Recently though I have been wondering what my children will think of me when they’re older. Especially my daughter. Am I a bad example to her?

If your mum was a SAHM, did you have any thoughts about that?

@Cleverpolly3

Are some of you not absolutely bloody exhausted with this by now?

It's only 676 posts so far, we've got a while to go yet. Did you see the one about people being shit cooks?

My mum was a full time working single parent, and I resented it. Always felt less worthy of her time. I understand now, that she had to provide for us, but she wasn't maternal at all, so I felt like an inconvenience. I didn't return to work after mat leave 2, I love having the time for my children, but do feel like a housekeeper/nanny much of the time

@Cleverpolly3

Are some of you not absolutely bloody exhausted with this by now?

Nah, I'm too busy being privileged and vulnerable all at the same time

I'm too busy being privileged and vulnerable all at the same time

It's a very common combination you know, even aside from this particular topic.

My mum always worked, my dad during the day, my mum during the night. I always respected the fact my mum worked, and it provided a good example. It was a job not a career. I’ve always worked, so my kids don’t know any different, but I have a career, good pay, not amazing but enough to be comfortable and can get the kids what they need. Personally for me I could never have been a SAHM, I am more than just mum, but we are all different

It's a very common combination you know, even aside from this particular topic.

Aye, a lack of humour is quite common too.

@Freewheelingoryx

It's a very common combination you know, even aside from this particular topic.

Aye, a lack of humour is quite common too.

Well I know that, I read your previous post.

I think every angle/argument/insult/debate has been said.

I feel like I want to contribute but is there really anything left to say?

The only thing a child needs to know is that they are worthy of Love. They will succeed at anything if they know they are truly worthy of love.

It dosent matter how you get there. Just do what you can do with what you have and do it with love and dedication and the world will be a brighter place for it.

I grew up in a poor large family first in family to go to uni get a professional qualification
I was at uni with people,for whom uni was an inevitable destination, something people like them did. Their dad was a doctor and they came from family of achievers. I came from a not for the likes of us background. From my back ground Uni was something other people did.
Yes,we were short of money. I also had a upbringing full of laughs,with relatives and pals. I understand the value of money, that life isn’t often fair,and institutionally we have a system that favours and protects privilege. Being able to demonstrate a good work ethic and role model to my children, is important to me, I want them to see their mum work.

I really like my work I get a sense of purpose and it suits me in terms of personality and ideology. Being a parent doesn’t define me,and I needed work too. Maternity leave I was bored,wanted to return, wondered what the locum was up to in my absence

Personally for me I could never have been a SAHM, I am more than just mum, but we are all different

Ummm. I do have one thing to say about this!!

Being a SAHM dosent mean 'just being mum'
Like a HR administrator isn't 'just a HR administrator'
What you do for 8 hours a day dosent define you as a whole person. It partly defines you, but not all the way. There are more hours to fill in the day then just the 9-5. Everyone has hobbies and interests that define them the rest of the way. For some it might be watching Netflix and drinking wine in the evening. For some it might being singing or dancing. For some it's knitting or volunteering or kite surfing.
There are many things that make us who we are. Being a SAHM or a working mum dosent define us as a whole person.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom
Well I know that, I read your previous post.

Ah but those were deadly serious!

But I forgot that sahms are too vulnerable, or too privileged, or too busy setting their dc a bad example or ...or too almost everything else... to hold a valid opinion on a thread on Mumsnet about ... sahms!

@Freewheelingoryx

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom Well I know that, I read your previous post.

Ah but those were deadly serious!

But I forgot that sahms are too vulnerable, or too privileged, or too busy setting their dc a bad example or ...or too almost everything else... to hold a valid opinion on a thread on Mumsnet about ... sahms!

I thought it was funny Maybe it's a SAHM thing. A change in the brain or something. Each month that passes as a SAHM your brain gets softer and softer. You loose brain cells and you can't function as well anymore. Your humour becomes a pathetic mess of vulnerable adverbs and privalidged nouns. No one in the outside world can understand. Only those who choose to stay inside the confined walls of their home surrounded by small children will understand. And they are a rare breed nowadays. If you look closely you may find one, licking the windows clean, the brain cells just drippi g from their ears.

@Freewheelingoryx

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom Well I know that, I read your previous post.

Ah but those were deadly serious!

But I forgot that sahms are too vulnerable, or too privileged, or too busy setting their dc a bad example or ...or too almost everything else... to hold a valid opinion on a thread on Mumsnet about ... sahms!

For the joke to work, the idea of being both privileged and vulnerable would have to be as plainly preposterous as you obviously think it is. It isn't. It's a very common combination, in part because privileged people often don't think they are vulnerable.

I'm not saying your joke fell flat because you are a SAHM, or even because we've now done the classic "explaining humour (such as it was) is a lot like dissecting a frog" thing. Your joke fell flat because the basic premise did not work.

Tough crowd, clearly. Thank you ladies and gentlemen, I'll be here all week. Tip the waitress, try the halibut.

Maybe it's a SAHM thing. A change in the brain or something. Each month that passes as a SAHM your brain gets softer and softer. You loose brain cells and you can't function as well anymore. Your humour becomes a pathetic mess of vulnerable adverbs and privalidged nouns. No one in the outside world can understand. Only those who choose to stay inside the confined walls of their home surrounded by small children will understand. And they are a rare breed nowadays. If you look closely you may find one, licking the windows clean, the brain cells just drippi g from their ears.

Well, you said it, not me. I thought all that was being caused by homeschooling.

I'm a stay at home mum but not through choice, it's in my opinion awful the days go on forever and are mundane 😫
I was definitely happier in myself working but I couldn't get childcare for my disabled son so I had to quit.
So my opinion on stay at home mums is it's not for everyone and not as easy as it looks unless it's personal choice x

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

Maybe it's a SAHM thing. A change in the brain or something. Each month that passes as a SAHM your brain gets softer and softer. You loose brain cells and you can't function as well anymore. Your humour becomes a pathetic mess of vulnerable adverbs and privalidged nouns. No one in the outside world can understand. Only those who choose to stay inside the confined walls of their home surrounded by small children will understand. And they are a rare breed nowadays. If you look closely you may find one, licking the windows clean, the brain cells just drippi g from their ears.

Well, you said it, not me. I thought all that was being caused by homeschooling.

No, no of course not. You must have something else wrong with you! SAHMs are the only ones to suffer from such illness. It is a terrible privilege we have. We would share it with working mums but that might make the part time working mums feel all disconnected and pushed out. We will keep it to ourselves for now. Go and get checked out though. Just in case.

Some people are so narrow in their outlook. Sah doesn't mean lacking a work ethic. You don't need to be in paid employment to teach children that everything won't just fall into their lap! I've been a sahp for a long time and my DC seem to be turning out quite well!

Most people have had jobs before they had children. Or been to university or some other kind of achievement.

Sah doesn't equal unemployed either - unemployed means actively seeking work.

Yes Sahm have worked,past tense,so rely on recall and anecdotes to discuss working
You can’t demonstrate going out to work or knowledgeably discuss contemporary issues in workplace if you’re not working

Plenty of SAHMs are not "defined" by it.

When I was a SAHM I had numerous other interests going on. My DC were obviously the priority (as they are with working mums) but I wasn't "just" a mum as a pp said. I had friends, hobbies, studied, played a sport at a competitive level. My life was in fact more varied than it is now as work takes up so much of my energy I can't be arsed doing so much. I enjoy my job though so it's fine but I think there's often an edge of nastiness to these insinuations that SAHMs are all Susie-homemaker types, suffocating their DC as they have nothing else to live for. It's simply not the case for any of the SAHMs I know.

The "work-ethic" thing is often bullshit too. Two of my friends come to mind. They both work incredibly hard in VERY demanding jobs and they both have mothers who never worked once they had DC, but they were excellent mothers and have great mutually respectful relationships. I've also seen the opposite happen. My aunt worked incredibly hard from when my cousins were six weeks old and two of them are completely bone idle as adults, she can't understand it and despairs over it.

In my case I longed for my mum to be a SAHM at times as most of friends had SAHMs but she's had to work out of necessity. She worked incredibly hard too and I admire her for it now, but as a child I'd be lying if I said I didn't want her around more and that's why I wanted to be a SAHM until my DC started school.

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Yes Sahm have worked,past tense,so rely on recall and anecdotes to discuss working You can’t demonstrate going out to work or knowledgeably discuss contemporary issues in workplace if you’re not working

No you can't. But you can still bring up children that are hard working, dedicated, wholesome and full of energy for life. If children only get ideas and inspiration from what their mothers do then what's the point in fathers? It's a package deal in my house. Both parents are equally engaging and inspiring. And there are other things to talk about with people then what you got up to in the office that day. (using office as an example, I understand, from past working experiences, that people work in all kinds of environments.)

No, no of course not. You must have something else wrong with you! SAHMs are the only ones to suffer from such illness. It is a terrible privilege we have. We would share it with working mums but that might make the part time working mums feel all disconnected and pushed out. We will keep it to ourselves for now. Go and get checked out though. Just in case.

"The joke didn't work because privilege does often coexist with vulnerability" is a very, very different statement to "SAHMs are thick". (I think this latter one is what you're accusing me of saying. It stopped making sense a while ago.)

I was going to say more about it but it's probably best I don't give you any more sentences.

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

No, no of course not. You must have something else wrong with you! SAHMs are the only ones to suffer from such illness. It is a terrible privilege we have. We would share it with working mums but that might make the part time working mums feel all disconnected and pushed out. We will keep it to ourselves for now. Go and get checked out though. Just in case.

"The joke didn't work because privilege does often coexist with vulnerability" is a very, very different statement to "SAHMs are thick". (I think this latter one is what you're accusing me of saying. It stopped making sense a while ago.)

I was going to say more about it but it's probably best I don't give you any more sentences.

I was just joking. Don't worry. I'm not thick and neither are you and I don't think we both think each other are. So all is well in the strange land of Mumsnet.

Lazy and sets a bad example to children that it’s okay not to go to work.

That’s just my opinion and I’m aware others see it differently.

Also kind of hats off to SAHM’s in a way, I love my kids to bits but there’s absolutely no way I’d be able to have them 24/7.

I was just joking. Don't worry. I'm not thick and neither are you and I don't think we both think each other are. So all is well in the strange land of Mumsnet.

Look. It's fine to disagree with someone, but it really is best to respond to what they actually said. If I've said "but you can easily be privileged and vulnerable at the same time" and get back "ARE YOU SAYING SAHMS ARE ALL THICKOS??? WE LICK WINDOWS, IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING??? WE CAN'T RESPOND TO A DISCUSSION ABOUT SAHMS, IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING???", then it doesn't really make any case for you.

However, we have both now clearly lost our audience anyway, as they have done the sensible thing and gone to the bar.

And curtain.

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Yes Sahm have worked,past tense,so rely on recall and anecdotes to discuss working You can’t demonstrate going out to work or knowledgeably discuss contemporary issues in workplace if you’re not working

Do you mean how many sugars someone has in their coffee?

I am rather enjoying dipping in and out of the this thread just to amuse myself at some of the comments this being one of them