To ask what you think of SAHMs?

[HarryHarryHarry]

For the past 3 years I have been a SAHM. I never imagined that I would be one but I actually quite like it. Eventually I plan to go back to work but it could be that I just work unskilled-type jobs instead of having a proper career. I really don’t know what my options will be when the time comes. I might just stay home and focus on my writing, which is my real passion, or I might go back to university and retrain in something. (We are lucky that we can currently afford to get by on just one parent’s wages). Recently though I have been wondering what my children will think of me when they’re older. Especially my daughter. Am I a bad example to her?

If your mum was a SAHM, did you have any thoughts about that?

@ageingdisgracefully - no, no particular skill set. The job I did do has changed so much, all new rules and regulations. Luckily I don’t have to work so if I do decide to get a job thankfully it will be something I enjoy, probably voluntary.. Not even sure I’d get through an interview again though!

My Mum has been a SAHM for years. I can't remember exactly when but I was in primary school when she totally gave up work. Dad gave up work when I was in my teens too. I'll be honest, it does make me respect them a little bit less. But that's mostly because 1) I don't think the state should be funding TWO parents to stay at home especially when they don't have young DC and 2) because Mum has zero outside interests other than TV and is very possessive over my Dad, hates him going anywhere, doesn't like being left alone etc. I think they'd both struggle to get jobs now even if they wanted to.

Each to their own and all but honestly I wish my parents had worked. We were also super poor growing up as well so yeah fine the state supported us but we could barely afford anything. I'd much rather DH and I both be earning and set good examples to our DC about shared responsibilities for caring and household finances.

Also, I’m not sure what was suppposed to be ‘jaw dropping’ about my DH’s comments . Some people are so dramatic on here.

I was 30 and we were ttc. I was all over London, super-stressed. Often exposed to verbal abuse and, at times, physical violence. I’d been doing that work for years and it takes its toll. I was underweight and burnt out. So no, he didn’t like me doing that for money that, in the overall scheme of things and the way things were panning out, was fairly negligible anyway. That kind of work is not that compatible with ttc or having kids of your own. And then I found out I was pregnant anyway, so he just said, fgs look after yourself and the baby. So I did! Then I had another one two years later and another one after that. So it was 8 or nine years later before the youngest was in school. But she still needed collecting at 3.15 and the days flew by. I was never bored, put it that way!

But if I had need to work, then that would have been that and I’m sure things would have been absolutely fine too. It is what it is.

I had no idea being a SAHM would be of such interest to anyone or why people would find it unusual in any way. In real life, I can’t think of one occasion where it’s ever been even mentioned Loads of people I know are in similar positions. Most of them actually (or maybe they work very part-time). It’s a total non-issue.

@pa1oma

Also, I’m not sure what was suppposed to be ‘jaw dropping’ about my DH’s comments . Some people are so dramatic on here.

I was 30 and we were ttc. I was all over London, super-stressed. Often exposed to verbal abuse and, at times, physical violence. I’d been doing that work for years and it takes its toll. I was underweight and burnt out. So no, he didn’t like me doing that for money that, in the overall scheme of things and the way things were panning out, was fairly negligible anyway. That kind of work is not that compatible with ttc or having kids of your own. And then I found out I was pregnant anyway, so he just said, fgs look after yourself and the baby. So I did! Then I had another one two years later and another one after that. So it was 8 or nine years later before the youngest was in school. But she still needed collecting at 3.15 and the days flew by. I was never bored, put it that way!

But if I had need to work, then that would have been that and I’m sure things would have been absolutely fine too. It is what it is.

I had no idea being a SAHM would be of such interest to anyone or why people would find it unusual in any way. In real life, I can’t think of one occasion where it’s ever been even mentioned Loads of people I know are in similar positions. Most of them actually (or maybe they work very part-time). It’s a total non-issue.

Mumsnet is obsessed with SAHM (not SAHP ) debate that’s why

I also agree in real life it’s a non event; well certainly not the blue touch paper it is on here anyway

My mun was a SAHM and looking back I really appreciate it. I can't imagine my childhood without her being there before and after school. I was never left with strangers. At the time I took all that for granted but now I see it's not all that common.

I think if you can afford it and it's what you want to do, go for it. You can still be an excellent role model to your child - life is not all about work.

I can’t understand why people take a view at all. Why do they feel they are in a position to judge someone else’s marriage or life? I mean, fair enough if people are asking for help. But I think if a SAHM says thanks very much, but I’m fine thanks - then that’s the end if it and people need to just accept that. I’ve never met anyone who cares about such things in real life.

I commented on earlier on in the thread and it’s been interesting to read different opinions there are - I still stand by my it’s none of my business & own your choices without putting anyone else down to prove yours is the ‘right’ choice.

As a working parents we are both there for our children - the pick ups the school activities something we both have (possibly) affected our careers by holding back but we put as ALL working and stay at home parents do our children first.
It got me thinking where this SAHP comes from as all the females including my wider family have worked (sadly often lower paid jobs due to poverty) My Grandma still worked in her early 70’s for something to do! But I feel no less loved by my Mum or aunties or Grandmas or missed out there was always a friendly face when I got home. I know no different to both parents working.
I asked my 17 year old has missed anything - she has nothing to compare it to - she knows where to go if she sad. She’s independent enough to survive in the real world (cooking washing) she doesn’t feel she missed out on us and we’ve always been there regardless.

I can’t understand why people take a view at all.

Despite having one yourself, about your "different values"?

That they feel the need to state that just because you are able to stay at home must automatically mean you've never experienced a hand to mouth existence

Nobody has said this. I said that people who don't appreciate the importance of money haven't had to live without it

Which is precisely what I was referring to, people assuming that just because now someone had money, they assume someone has never appreciated it. You yourself have precisely said this.

Nobody has said this. I said that people who don't appreciate the importance of money haven't had to live without it

You said it. Yourself. On the basis of assuming the person you were talking to never had money.

Or should I correct, on the basis that the person you were talking to yoi assumed always had money, should I say, not never had money. My apologies.

Also, I’m not sure what was suppposed to be ‘jaw dropping’ about my DH’s comments. Some people are so dramatic on here.

Not dramatic at all to be shocked that your DH described your work as a childrens/ families Social Worker as wasting your time.
I cant imagine being married to someone who devalued my work in this way.

I have no issues if anyone who wishes to SAH when DC are under school age and actually upthread supported a national wage for all parents which could be used either by the SAHP ( to ensure she was financially protected) or if parents both want to WOH towards CC.

@YouJustDoYou

That they feel the need to state that just because you are able to stay at home must automatically mean you've never experienced a hand to mouth existence

Nobody has said this. I said that people who don't appreciate the importance of money haven't had to live without it

Which is precisely what I was referring to, people assuming that just because now someone had money, they assume someone has never appreciated it. You yourself have precisely said this.

Ffs. Just read this mess back at yourself.

"Someone who can stay at home now has never lived hand to mouth."

"Someone who doesn't appreciate the importance of money has never had to live without it."

"Someone who has money now has never appreciated it."

They are three very different statements. You think they're all identical. I've said only one of them. The non-bollocks one. The second one.

Read. It. Back.

And when you inevitably come back insisting that black is white is red and I said green, I'll just let this stand for anyone who wants to read it for themselves. Dear God.

You know the worst thing about posts this risible? Given the subject matter, they are SUCH good feed lines for a response I have to sit on my hands not to make. You are killing me here. Maybe that was the plan all along. If so, it worked.

My mum worked and she instilled that work ethic into me. Its not for me to stay at home. I had 6 months off with both of mine and then worked part time.

I worked hours that allowed me to do drop off and pick up and also have time with the kids. I was very lucky to get a very understanding boss.

I think if your kids are older say 16+ - you're unemployed not a SAHM.

Whatever works for you. My mum didn’t talk to me for 2 weeks when I said I was going back to work after maternity leave. How did as strong a feminist as me have such a mum lol 😂

Seriously, it’s your choice (and your partner ) not anyone elses

I’m envious. My mum was a SAHM until i was a teen, and I loved it, I knew no different. It’s what I always wanted for my kids but I haven’t been luckily enough to be with anyone to have them yet. And I don’t know if I ever will be, or if I do- if we’d be able to afford it. It’s what I always wanted from my life.

I don't get the "left with strangers" comments. As a pre school aged child, I was left with strangers precisely twice. Once when I first started going to a childminders and again when I first started going to nursery.
I wasn't being handed over to new strangers on the street each day, for God's sake, I was being looked after by trained childcare professionals who my mother had met and approved of and who I, for the most part, adored. I spent much more time with them than I did with my extended family. And no one calls your MIL babysitting your child "farming them out to strangers" even if you usually only see her once or twice a year.

It's just a way of SAHMS to pat themselves on the back and imply that are the only ones who really care about their children. Everyone else would happily leave them with the local crack dealer, obviously.

I would love to be a SATHM but we need both our wages. I would love to even be able to work part time

@TeenyTinyDustinHoffman

I don't get the "left with strangers" comments. As a pre school aged child, I was left with strangers precisely twice. Once when I first started going to a childminders and again when I first started going to nursery. I wasn't being handed over to new strangers on the street each day, for God's sake, I was being looked after by trained childcare professionals who my mother had met and approved of and who I, for the most part, adored. I spent much more time with them than I did with my extended family. And no one calls your MIL babysitting your child "farming them out to strangers" even if you usually only see her once or twice a year.

It's just a way of SAHMS to pat themselves on the back and imply that are the only ones who really care about their children. Everyone else would happily leave them with the local crack dealer, obviously.

Absolutely. Along with things like "I wanted to be there to see them grow up" and that the only way you're able to attend your child's Nativity or Sports day or look after them when their sick is if you stay home, every day. Presumably when they're about 12 or so you can go back to work... Although if they're sick I'm not sure what you do. You can't tell your boss that you need to stay home or leave early. That would be ridiculous. Best stay home until they've left home then. That'll do it.

Geordie, I have apologised and explained what I meant by the values comment (but I think you know that).

Temple - he did not say anything about “wasting time.” You completely made that up yourself. I have explained how I was burnt out and he could obviously see that. Why make yourself ill for money if you don’t need to? I did almost a decade of it. Some jobs are harder to maintain alongside children and I personally, didn’t want to be with my own children one minute and then some horrendous CP scenario at work. It’s one thing dealing with all that before your own children, but quite another to make the emotional switch back and forth afterwards.

Just dont be overbearing with your daughter and make sure she sees you having hobbies and being a well-rounded person that has a life outside being a mother. She won't need as much mothering as she gets older.

@ pa1oma

When I was working, it was in social work (children and families anyway), so DH said why waste your energy there when you can focus on your own DC and we don’t need the money.

You posted the above !!

However I do get how difficult a job it is.

Yes waste my energy because I was exhausted. Not in the sense that social work is a waste of time.

pa1oma, you don't owe me or anyone else an apology, but if you're rethinking, that's great. I think it's obvious why people have a view on this.

However, seeing both this and the exchange you're having with Templetree, you do seem to say things and then claim you didn't mean them and it looks a bit backpedally. You say you're not from the UK, so maybe English isn't your first language, I don't know.

Are some of you not absolutely bloody exhausted with this by now?