To ask what you think of SAHMs?

[HarryHarryHarry]

For the past 3 years I have been a SAHM. I never imagined that I would be one but I actually quite like it. Eventually I plan to go back to work but it could be that I just work unskilled-type jobs instead of having a proper career. I really don’t know what my options will be when the time comes. I might just stay home and focus on my writing, which is my real passion, or I might go back to university and retrain in something. (We are lucky that we can currently afford to get by on just one parent’s wages). Recently though I have been wondering what my children will think of me when they’re older. Especially my daughter. Am I a bad example to her?

If your mum was a SAHM, did you have any thoughts about that?

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee that made me laugh. As I said I think women have it tough whatever we do we stay at home we work we can’t win as long as what we do works for us. Sorry I @ you wasn’t being nasty just love a good debate especially with someone that gives back ☺️

I didn’t think you were being nasty @Catty1720
I’m not offended in any way

Bluntness100: In my company expats were common and when they were male, the wives happy to be trailing spouses, the new generation is dual career and the women are simply not willing to give it up and follow their husband round the world. For a lot of men, it is no longer an option. Child responsibility is split fifty fifty and the women not willing to Jack it in to follow their husbands and stay home in a foreign country to look after the kids.The stats show it is a lifestyle model that is dying out.

Interesting observation.

@lborgia

I actually think the reason I'm bad at being a SAHM/ hate it do much is because I'm unimaginative. I like being part of a big industry/ company/ having a job that has no emotional component. It can be challenging, or boring, or frustrating, or elating, but it won't be the hamster wheel I feel home life to be.

I can't think past the basics elements, or get joy from any of the things that make being at home interesting. I also can't get past the point that I'm supposed to clean up for 4 people because I am the one who happens to be at home.

I didn't ask to be at home, and doing the domestic stuff is just so no one else has to.

Iborgia, this resonated with me. The few times I was forced to be at home I felt I was just marking time, spinning my wheels, longing to get back on the commute to a job, any job. The wonders of being plugged into a world outside of my limited domestic world, my window into the giant machine of commerce, industry and progress. I did not want to be left out. I am so sorry you no longer have the choice. Can I say, I understand the frustration, having only felt a small inkling of it myself. You write very well. I hope your circumstances change and you can live for yourself more.

I think if this thread has shown us anything it's that everyone's situations are so completely individual that it's impossible to make any blanket statements about SAHPs or working parents. Besides which, both of these states of being can be short, medium, or long term, and could change at the drop of a hat.

Do people really sit around worrying about this so much? I have daughters and as long as they are happy and healthy I don't really mind what they go on to do with their lives, it's up to them. They are intelligent and I trust their judgement. Besides, who the fuck am I to tell them that they've made the wrong choices once they reach adulthood?

I think people need to mind their own business and get on with their own lives.

@Twobrews

It’s not a job, it’s in no way comparable to a job I've had a job as a nanny , it was incredibly similar to being a SAHM.

Indeed. The main difference being you spend your energy on someone else's kids, and raise them the way the parents prefer.

How it is that it can be work under those conditions, but not if you do it for yourself? Is it not work if you build your own house to live in or grow your own food?

Or is it more that some people have no respect for childcare workers generally?

I have loads of respect for stay at home parents. It’s not the easy option at all. I stayed at home with my son until he was 15 months and, although I loved it, I needed outside simulation. Now I work part-time and I miss being with him but I realise I wasn’t made of the stuff needed to be home. I’m jealous of those people who can cope with it and I have a lot of respect for them. I loved it a lot, but I think 15 months was my absolute cut off point as I felt very isolated and undervalued.

I’m a SAHM at the moment although not through choice as Covid has killed off my work for the time being. I’m looking at it as extended maternity leave but I can already tell I’m going to want to go back to doing something.
I need the sense of purpose it gives me, independent of DS, and the feeling of achievement. I feel those things with DS too but in different ways and I’ve realised I need both, it’s a balance that keeps me happy.

I’m fortunate enough that I’m self employed so when things hopefully do pick up again I can be flexible and not have to work full time if I don’t want to.

If things don’t work out with that I imagine I’ll end up being a SAHM for a bit longer but it does make me feel vulnerable.

I don’t judge others though. I know very happy SAHMs and often wish that it would be enough for me to do the same!

It depends on the SAHM in question and how they appear to be utilising their role.
If their child(ren) is regularly wearing dirty clothes/uniform, they're always late for school drop-off, or other routine negligence is apparent then, hell yeah, I'd judge away as I'd feel there was little excuse.
The SAHMs I'm friends with are interesting and intelligent women with goals and ambitions for themselves and their families. Some have kids who are super intelligent due to the additional attention received , some have kids with SEN who needs are complex, and so on.
Just like anything else in life each family's situation is unique and the parents choose to do what's best for them.

But his Dad would pick up the pieces.

This has got to be the strangest and most frustrating thing I've read on the whole thread. A mother chooses to go to university, and the father is described as "picking up the pieces", in a negative way that left the child lacking in some way. Where I'm from, it's called co-parenting. It is not a woman's sole responsibility to raise children.

I'm quite appalled actually, I can't remember which person posted it but I would be seriously concerned about a man who begrudged his mother in that way for taking some time to educate herself, I'd be worried about what respect you think he's going to have for you as a mother and wife if he has an entitlement complex over what mens' and womens ' roles are.

Of course but if there's enough [money] that you don't need to, why bother when you have better things to do with our life.

If you're able to be this flippant and dismissive over money, you honestly have nothing worth contributing to the debate. It's not only ungrateful, it's a sign that you have completely failed to realise that providing for a child, so they can have food and shelter, is one of the most basic tenets of parenting, really the first one to consider before you can talk about "better things to do with your life". It is more important than anyone who says something like this realises, whatever furious denial is now getting brewed up.

And it actually does get forgotten a lot, especially when people sneer at working single mothers.

Not much solidarity on this thread is there?

Two of my kids had additional needs and had a lot of hospital appointments/ time off school. I couldn’t have worked, but still had friends and family asking when I was going back to work.

One day, it hit me, if I was a paid cater of those same kids - taking them for the day for respite to give their mum a break- I would have more standing in society in the eyes of others and would be able to talk about my job.

Because I was the SAHM to those kids I had no standing in society, and had the impression my friends / family thought I was lazy and sponging off my DH. The NHS would probably rate a paid carer who came to appointments higher than ‘mum’.

Tasks are not viewed as ‘work’ because we don’t get paid. Thats not actually fair.

I don’t have a cleaner - a working mum possibly does. Why is it deemed to be work when a cleaner is paid to do it, but not work when a SAHM chooses to do it?

Just focus on yourself and breathe, the anger will dissipate.

@ageingdisgracefully

Not much solidarity on this thread is there?

I’ve always said modern women are their own worst enemies

ageingdisgracefully

Not much solidarity on this thread is there?

😁

I’ve always said modern women are their own worst enemies

Damned if we do and damned if we don't 😂

@ThatsNotYourPassword

Two of my kids had additional needs and had a lot of hospital appointments/ time off school. I couldn’t have worked, but still had friends and family asking when I was going back to work.

One day, it hit me, if I was a paid cater of those same kids - taking them for the day for respite to give their mum a break- I would have more standing in society in the eyes of others and would be able to talk about my job.

Because I was the SAHM to those kids I had no standing in society, and had the impression my friends / family thought I was lazy and sponging off my DH. The NHS would probably rate a paid carer who came to appointments higher than ‘mum’.

Tasks are not viewed as ‘work’ because we don’t get paid. Thats not actually fair.

I don’t have a cleaner - a working mum possibly does. Why is it deemed to be work when a cleaner is paid to do it, but not work when a SAHM chooses to do it?

Just focus on yourself and breathe, the anger will dissipate.

I agree with you in many ways . If you are caring for DC either pre school or as a carer to elderly then there should be more support. Personally I think a national wage for adults in caring roles would solve a huge amount of societies issues and be cheaper than the benefits system we have now. It would ensure SAHP ( under 3) and carers are not in a vulnerable position. If you prefer your DC to go to paid CC then the money is used for that. If you choose to SAH after this and when DC at school then thats your choice. The thing I disagree with is people being paid to do their own chores. We all cook, clean and do laundry whether we SAH or WOH. Just because a SAHP has chosen to do all of it doesnt mean its a paid role.

Totally agree Geordie
Not sure why posters are so dismissive regarding WOH but its the usual theme.
"Work is boring, why do it when you can please yourself ?"
Well only if a man is prepared to support you!
No way in hell would I make myself dependant on anyone.

"I’ve always said modern women are their own worst enemies"

The enemy here is men/ partners who refuse to share child rearing and domestic chores leaving women with few choices.

Surprised no one has posted that ridiculous I’m a nanny, cleaner, gardener, PA so would need to be paid x list which they think is their gotcha moment. Erm no- it’s just being an adult and running your own life. The same stuff that working parents manage to do as well as working.

I’m not paid to clean. But many of my friends who work do pay a cleaner (in normal times). So the cleaner has a job, but I don’t.

I do object to the things I do for free being discounted just because I’m not employed to do them. We save money by not paying someone else.

It just makes no sense to me, and is basically about devaluing individuals who don’t have paid employment.

When I did attempt to go back to work in my previous profession, my husband and I were taken aback at how much it affected home life. We were run ragged trying to keep the house clean/ the washing up to date etc. We would have to start paying people to do what I had been doing for years. I also realised, at that time, that many of my friends who work don’t cook from scratch for their family at night. I realised this by asking how they managed to work and have dinner ready in the evening at a reasonable hour.

Now, I’m sure there are amazing people who manage everything - but we couldn’t- and so I returned to being a lazy SAHM. It’s fab.

@Holyrivolli

Surprised no one has posted that ridiculous I’m a nanny, cleaner, gardener, PA so would need to be paid x list which they think is their gotcha moment. Erm no- it’s just being an adult and running your own life. The same stuff that working parents manage to do as well as working.

So no one said it....so you thought you would 😀

@Templetree

"I’ve always said modern women are their own worst enemies"

The enemy here is men/ partners who refuse to share child rearing and domestic chores leaving women with few choices.

Obviously. But even on his thread women in this situation are frequently blamed for men being able to make that choice as much as any other ulterior motives on a man’s part. As much as they are in life. So I stand by my observation and see it as sort of part of the problem I’m afraid.

do object to the things I do for free being discounted just because I’m not employed to do them. We save money by not paying someone else.

It just makes no sense to me, and is basically about devaluing individuals who don’t have paid employment

Who is devaluing it?

We all have to do or arrange for someone else to do our domestic tasks,cleaning and life admin.
Its just daily life.

I think there are differences between being a SAHM to preschool and primary school children, and high school children.
Childcare for babies, preschoolers is a full time job (otherwise people wouldnt pay for nursery/nannies etc you cant exactly leave them on their own)
I know quite a lot of SAHM to teenage kids which I think is a bit different. (Most of them also outsource cleaning, ironing, gardening etc) Some do a lot of volunteering, some are studying, some are exercise/gym bunnies, some are a bit like ladies who lunch. (Obviously in non covid times)
I would feel guilty if my DH was working long hours and I was pursuing hobbies, having my hair done or going for coffee, and I know he would feel resentful of that. But if both partners are happy with the arrangement , and its financially viable then that's up to them.

It always goes pear shaped on here when talking about whether sah is a job or not. Personally (as a sahp) I don't think it is - no sick pay or paid time off for a start
But it is work - you are doing something necessary that you would probably prefer not to do. It's also work when wohp clean the bathroom!
Anyone who does this rather than outsource it is working imo.
I do think of sahp who home educate full time as having a job. That's a proper daily commitment with responsibility for their DC future qualifications.

It always goes pear shaped on here when talking about whether sah is a job or not
I agree it does.
I think people on either side of tbe coin get defensive.
I know I get wound up when people come out with comments such as 'at least my child knows I was there for them at sports days and if they were sick' This is despite me or Dh never missing a special assembly, play, sports day, whatever and being right there when they were poorly.
I know it's my interpretation but it comes across as being superior as if they have the best interests of their children and others don't.
I don't care what people do,I just don't like judgemental tones of others.