To ask what you think of SAHMs?

[HarryHarryHarry]

For the past 3 years I have been a SAHM. I never imagined that I would be one but I actually quite like it. Eventually I plan to go back to work but it could be that I just work unskilled-type jobs instead of having a proper career. I really don’t know what my options will be when the time comes. I might just stay home and focus on my writing, which is my real passion, or I might go back to university and retrain in something. (We are lucky that we can currently afford to get by on just one parent’s wages). Recently though I have been wondering what my children will think of me when they’re older. Especially my daughter. Am I a bad example to her?

If your mum was a SAHM, did you have any thoughts about that?

@zatar

People in here always want to paint SAHMs as boring, vulnerable etc and I find that nauseating. I’m literally sick of reading it, so that’s why I bit back.

And of course, someone will inevitably then come back with the spiteful retort “wait till he leaves you for a younger woman.” Yawn. I know one instance of where that has happened. One. Sorry to disappoint, but that stereotype, like most purported stereotypes about SAHMs, doesn’t hold true either. What is the average divorce rate these days? One in three? It’s not even one in about 50 in our friendship circles.

The thing is @zatar is that it does put you in a difficult and vulnerable financial position if you were to divorce/husband has long term illness or if the worst happened and they died.

My DH died and I’ve never been so grateful that I had a full time job and didn’t have the stress of being out of the workplace for a long while and having to start from scratch almost.

It’s very difficult for a SAHM to pick up all of the financial pieces in those situations. You make yourself vulnerable by not having anything in your life work wise.

Your post sounds quite bitter and spiteful in all honesty.

Completely agree.

It’s fine when children are small but once they are older it’s really not necessary to be at home all day.

The SAHM I know say they are busy all day but when you ask them what they’re doing it “oh I’m so busy, I’ve got the food shop to do and then the gas man is coming”. It’s a bit of insult when you’re actually working full time yourself and have to fit those things in around working.

@GrouchyKiwi
Well in normal everyday offline life its absolutely none of my business and I wouldnt dream of offering up my thoughts on this because it's not my place and I dont know peoples circumstances.

But this is a thread called "To ask what you think of SAHMs" so obviously I'm being asked to judge - here in this small space it is my business.

Ah well, fair enough. Judge away!

I think if you have pre-school or kids settling into infant school then that's a job. Beyond that sort of age I think it can appear to be a lovely lifestyle but I think it does eat away at self esteem. My mum was an SAHM when that was common even with older kids, but I can see it didn't do her much good in the end, and in all honesty we probably didn't respect her as much as our Dad.

I do notice also that my partner's kids DID think it was odd their Mum didn't work when their friends' mums all did. (She does now, but late back because of confidence issues I think.)

There is also finances, but sounds like that's OK for you. But anyway I think once kids get into their teens they are looking outward for stimulation, so yes, if you don't pick up some purpose outside the home it will probably influence their view of you, but more importantly won't do you any good long term.

@GrouchyKiwi

What would you do if you divorced or your DH died?

I'd have to go to work then, wouldn't I.

@MummaBear4321

I have to say, as someone who is considering being a SAHM after my mat leave finishes, I dont understand the idea that I suddenly become financially reliant on my DH. Yes, he will bring home the money, but I dint lose my qualifications or experience just because I choose to be a SAHM. If DH left me I would be able to go straight back to work. I dont lose my ability to earn money, we would just be choosing as a couple to drop a wage. We have joint accounts, joint savings, and all our money is 'ours'. We never keep track of individual money. When DH decided to retrain and go into a new career nobody said he was silly for being financially dependent on me for over a year while he trained.

@MummaBear4321 the thing is that once you are out of work as a SAHM for a while it becomes more difficult to return to work despite still having qualifications and experience. Your experience becomes out of date almost after a few years.

My mum was a SAHM and it was lovely having her home after school. When I turned 8 she went back to work and it was awful (to a child then at least) to not have any routine, never know who was picking us up from school or whose house we would be at during the school holidays.

But, I don't think it's for me. I think a lot of people consider me a SAHM now as I work freelance in the evenings after my son's in bed so for all intents and purposes I'm here during the day with him but it's not for me. He's started nursery and it is the best thing ever to have my identity back. I feel like I'm a better mum for having a purpose, less shouty, more patience, and he has come on leaps and bounds in childcare.

@GrouchyKiwi

I'd have to go to work then, wouldn't I.

@GrouchyKiwi do you not worry that by leaving the workforce however many years previously that your skills would be out of date, things have progressed in the workplace, there are younger and more experienced staff coming in who can adapt quickly to workplace changes and so on?

I always feel that by completely dropping everything to be a SAHM women are leaving behind good jobs, great training, good degrees and putting themselves in a financially precarious situation. It just feels like a waste of education and work experience.

I'm sure it's been said, I am a SAHM (with young kids within the 'socially acceptable' SAHM age-range) and Covid really has made me grateful we have some slack in the system. We don't rely on anyone else to look after the children, and we don't rely on two salaries to pay our bills. If my husband lost his job, I'd imagine we would both look for employment to improve our chances.

It's not ideal, there are things I don't like about being a SAHM, but really when all is said and done, it's been the best choice for our family.

I don't think there is one type of SAHM any more than there is one type of women. We are a diverse bunch.

Not so much. The kind of work I did I could get back into without any trouble since it involves working with document programs and I use them every day for educating the children, for example. I'd also be perfectly fine working in a supermarket (have done that before) or wherever.

So many generalisations to try and make a point .

Shock some couples work as a team and support themselves through different stages of life.

Shock some SAHM mums chose that course because they can and enjoy it more than working

Shock not all husbands leave their wives .

FGS as women we should support each others choice and it is perfectly possible to be a SAHM and then work later if you want to .

As long as a couple it works for you , then good for you .

@Unsure33

So many generalisations to try and make a point .

Shock some couples work as a team and support themselves through different stages of life.

Shock some SAHM mums chose that course because they can and enjoy it more than working

Shock not all husbands leave their wives .

FGS as women we should support each others choice and it is perfectly possible to be a SAHM and then work later if you want to .

As long as a couple it works for you , then good for you .

Absolutely.

@supergirls

I went back to work part time at age 36 . Very few hours .

I am now a company director .it is possible if you work hard .

@shallbe

My mum worked full time when I was a child 9-5 and honestly I don't really have too many memories of her as a child.

That's pretty odd though, weekends, holidays, breakfast time, evenings? My mum worked 9-5 and I have loads of memories and always felt her presence. Not seeing her for 10 hours of the week for 38 weeks of the year, results in you not having many memories of her?

I’d agree that was a very unusual post.

Shallbe do you also not have memories of your father? Or was he absent. Or stay at home?

Is there deeper issues at play that means you have no recollections of your mother, becayse I don’t think it can be she worked whilst you were at school?

@Bluntness100 wrong person quoted, I was the one commenting that it was an odd post

@supergirls

You can’t live your whole life making judgements for the worse thing that will happen . Have life assurance , have savings ?

If we all run our lives on that premise we would never spend money at all as we may need it for a disaster.

And bad things happen to people who work as well ?

[quote shallbe]@Bluntness100 wrong person quoted, I was the one commenting that it was an odd post [/quote]
Sorry..☺️

I always feel that by completely dropping everything to be a SAHM women are leaving behind good jobs, great training, good degrees and putting themselves in a financially precarious situation. It just feels like a waste of education and work experience.

I feel more financially secure since I became a SAHM than I ever felt when I was working.
My experience isn't wasted, I do a similar now but on a voluntary basis.
I wouldn't say any qualification gained is ever wasted.

I think they are amazing for putting their kids first before anything else. Their children will always remember them being around and doing things with them even if that comes at a price. I've been both a working and a sahm, I feel I'm a better parent as a sahm as I can fully focus on them and ensure all their needs are met by myself. I'm not knocking working mums at all as they deserve respect for balancing it all, but for me personally I struggled to be the best mum I could while I was working.

I don’t out my kids second I’m just not a martyr at the altar of motherhood
No working man ever gets berated for putting his kids second. No he’s a good provider

My kids love having a SAHM. Occasionally I talk about maybe wanting to get a job and they look panicked.

They know that their lifestyle would change if I wasn't around to drive them here there and everywhere for hours after school! ( obviously talking about pre
Covid times ) They are 12 and 15. DD knows she would have to change schools if I worked ( no public transport to her school) and DD knows there would be no back up lift to school when the weather is bad and he doesn't want to do a 5 mile cycle to school.

They both know that that I worked for 20 years in a well paid job before I was a SAHM and that it's the money from that job that helped pay for our home ( I paid off half the mortgage from my investments on the day I left my job to become a SAHM)

They both know that they will have to work hard at school to make sure they have the opportunities and choices I've had in my life. The fact that I don't work now hasn't stopped them from understanding the importance of getting a good job.

DH very happy with the arrangement too and although we've been happily married for 25 years I realise from all the previous comments that any day now he's going to run off with another women and leave me destitute! Oh well.

And in answer to the many questions about what we do all day when the kids are at school - for me it's exercise and photography and listening to talk radio while I do a bit of housework/cooking.

Saying all of that - I wouldn't become a SAHM these days - I just don't think it's possible now unless you are very wealthy already and life is so uncertain that I think two salaries would give much better security.

@kottbullar

I always feel that by completely dropping everything to be a SAHM women are leaving behind good jobs, great training, good degrees and putting themselves in a financially precarious situation. It just feels like a waste of education and work experience.

I feel more financially secure since I became a SAHM than I ever felt when I was working.
My experience isn't wasted, I do a similar now but on a voluntary basis.
I wouldn't say any qualification gained is ever wasted.

Good Lord. I’m going to hide this thread.

It makes me sad at school reunions when I see the most brilliant students did nothing with their qualifications and life other than being SAHMS and arent very happy about it. There is so much more to life than getting married and having children especially as so many marriages fail.