To ask what you think of SAHMs?

[HarryHarryHarry]

For the past 3 years I have been a SAHM. I never imagined that I would be one but I actually quite like it. Eventually I plan to go back to work but it could be that I just work unskilled-type jobs instead of having a proper career. I really don’t know what my options will be when the time comes. I might just stay home and focus on my writing, which is my real passion, or I might go back to university and retrain in something. (We are lucky that we can currently afford to get by on just one parent’s wages). Recently though I have been wondering what my children will think of me when they’re older. Especially my daughter. Am I a bad example to her?

If your mum was a SAHM, did you have any thoughts about that?

@Cleverpolly3
The carousel is still going . The poor ponies must be knackered.

The debate might be crap, but I'm stealing that phrase.

@zatar your posts are utterly nauseating.

I don't judge SAHMs. A lot of people just don't have the choice either to be one or not.

We can afford for me to be SAHM but I just don't have the personality for it. I've taken a massive step back career wise just to go part time and stay local. I'd love my DH to have a day off but he's a workaholic. Luckily my current post is extremely flexible, keeps me out of trouble, connected, current and gives me some spends, as well as keeping my pension and NI topped up.

My neighbour however thrives on it. She's flipping amazing. She's always busy, her house looks out of a catalogue and her child and husband really benefit.

Also lots of SAHMs do earn their own cash at home. Just because they don't appear to be, doesn't mean there's not a lot of eBaying, thrifty spending, matched betting going on. You just need to look at these threads. And there are lots of hidden savings of being a SAHM too.

I do know some SAHMs who have lost self confidence, and job prospects too so each person's situation is different.

I live in london @zatar and yes I recognise that stereotype from school
Whippet thin,permatanned with work done women who are usually divorced to be replaced by a younger perkier wife.Not happily coexisting with the rich guy until he retires. Not at all

Divorce or tolerated dalliance is common

@SnailortheWhale

Your post is really judgemental. If both parties are happy, then that's their choice. And if the poster chooses to home school, who are ypunto suggest that she is doing it for her own benefit?

I do love your posts @zatar you’re the Jackie Collins of mn describing the rich and vapid of London and their eye watering active husbands

Both work full time I had a period of 2 years out of work when we moved house and I hated it, and I love having my own money, we both put aside an amount each month and then what we have left is to do what we like with, my children see we both work and what we earn means we are comfortable, can pay our bills, and have food on the table. Both my parents worked full time and that's what I learned is normal, if you want something you have to work to achieve it,

MN is honestly the only place I've seen being a SAHM likened to 'sponging off your partner'.

I know plenty of SAHM's and was one myself for 10 years til my youngest started school. DH worked and any money was ours. We were a team, there was no resentment and no feelings of either being taken advantage of.

I was able to attend all my kids activities, plays, assemblies at school (apart from my youngests) and I loved every minute I got to spend with them at home until they started nursery. The lack of stress and having to juggle work too meant that our home was happier than it would have been.

I've since gained a degree and have been working and will work my way up. I have friends, an identity, a purpose and my kids form a huge part of that.

I can never thank DH enough for providing for us and he can never thank me enough for looking after them all. A team.

People in here always want to paint SAHMs as boring, vulnerable etc and I find that nauseating. I’m literally sick of reading it, so that’s why I bit back.

And of course, someone will inevitably then come back with the spiteful retort “wait till he leaves you for a younger woman.” Yawn. I know one instance of where that has happened. One. Sorry to disappoint, but that stereotype, like most purported stereotypes about SAHMs, doesn’t hold true either. What is the average divorce rate these days? One in three? It’s not even one in about 50 in our friendship circles.

Yea sure thing, the rich are well known for keeping it in their drawers

@GrouchyKiwi

My being a SAHM has allowed DH and me to make the decision to home educate our children, which is going very well.

It has allowed me the time to learn new skills, and I've just started a course that will also benefit my family.

I utterly hated working. Hated it. I had a fairly cushy office job and I still loathed going there every day. I am not driven enough to go after a career. Being at home makes me happy. Our family can afford to live on one salary. DH is happy that I am at home with the children. He has an extremely stable, satisfying career. He does his share with house and children. We also have a cleaner.

So why should I not be a SAHM? Why should anyone think I'm sad or boring or unimaginative or putting myself and children at risk?

I have absolutely no intention of going back to work ever. I hated it and I'm not putting myself through that again.

I too have found freedom to be who I want to be, rather than needing a job/title to define me. I think for us it is the reason we are still married after 30 years. Working, raising a family, and trying to have time for each other is bloody hard graft. I didn't want hard graft, I wanted a free life. Dh has pretty much lived his dream, covid has given him lots of challenges but I've helped and supported him in a new direction. I wouldn't have had the time to do as much if working for someone else. My philosophy is to work to make yourself happy, doing what you love. This is how we raised our children and they are all happy with their choices and are doing well. My dd is an amazing young woman, exceptionally gifted even by Mnet standards, something I couldn't have supported, had I been employed. My life could not have been better with a long career and any amount of money or material possessions.

We are all very different and choose differently, thank God because the world would be a boring place if we were all the same.

For the most part (shite parents aside) children benefit from having a parent at home in the first three years. Everyone knows this even if they s not like like to admit it. Why people feel the need to vilify people for doing just that is beyond weird. Once both partners are happy with the set up and the SAHP is financially protected, then it can be a great experience for the whole family and can ease a lot of stress.

People who judge really ought to think about their TRUE motivations and where they got this attitude from. Patriarchy/internalized misogyny/Capitalism/Jealousy - delete as appropriate. The faux concern for "vulnerable" women is dubious at best.

@zatar if your circle apparently includes those in the 0.01% what relevance do you think anything you have to say has on the vast majority of those on MN? Your immunity from all SAHM pitfalls due to your immensely rich and adoring husbands doesn't give a particularly realistic or relevant point. It's like the Queen coming on to justify working mothers because of her experience.

These topics don’t end well because nobody wants to acknowledge certain facts it’s the same with the older mums topic too claiming that youngs mums must be exhausted because we started so young FFS. Some situations are what they are.

You can’t have it all and if your upset over someone else’s comment it probably has truth to it but as long as your happy that’s all that matters.

Lipstick, you do realise just because a man may happen to be a high-earner, does not suddenly make him a sex god . These are ordinary-looking men in their 40s and 50s. They are hard-working and happen to have struck lucky, in many cases. No more likely to be “keeping it in their drawers” than your DH, so please stop with those kind of predictable spiteful assertions.

Ahhh the secretly jealous working mum husk, who abandoned her kids, that old trope

My mum worked full time when I was a child 9-5 and honestly I don't really have too many memories of her as a child. She fell pregnant with my sister when I was around 10 and switched to working 5pm-9pm and I remember much more after this, so personally I would love to be a stay at home mum!!

I've worked part time since I had my 4yo and feel it's good to have the family balance. Been working from home since March due to covid and its been such a blessing, although my 2yo has become so clingy lol bur I'm glad I can be there for nursery school pick ups etc.

I wish I didn't have to work though cause WFH is hard. I wish I was in a position to be able to be a stahm.

My mum worked full time when I was a child 9-5 and honestly I don't really have too many memories of her as a child.

That's pretty odd though, weekends, holidays, breakfast time, evenings? My mum worked 9-5 and I have loads of memories and always felt her presence. Not seeing her for 10 hours of the week for 38 weeks of the year, results in you not having many memories of her?

I specifically stated that my experience of SAHMs is not realistic in terms of families in general in the U.K. But it is definitely more typical for families where there is a long-term SAHM (I’m not talking about women who take a few years out which is far more common nationally). I realise what I’m saying can easily be interpreted as nauseating or whatever, but I’m past caring to be perfectly honest because I’m tired of reading the same speculative crap about families with a SAHM on here - that they’re boring or financially vulnerable or whatever. Well, no doubt some are but guess what, many are not. This stands to reason and it’s a fact. If a family can’t afford to have a SAHM, then it won’t be happening, will it? It’s not an option, regardless. Just like if a family can’t afford to make other decisions or lifestyle choices, then it won’t be happening. But where families can afford it, you will find more SAHMs. In some cases, there will be families with a SAHM, plus a nanny or au-pair, plus various tutors and drivers and god knows what. This is not my family. But it doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. Of course it does. Different contexts, different lifestyle decisions.

I dont think anyone has a problem with SAHM when kids are under 4. That does make sense. What's weird is when women have a 15 yo and are still desperately trying to convince themselves it's really fundamental they be at home from 9 to 6 to.....what exactly?

@zatar it depends on your definition of afford. There are SAH families who have their household income subsidised by tax credits/universal credit, can they technically afford it? Would they still make this choice if those payments weren't there?

@CrotchBurn

I dont think anyone has a problem with SAHM when kids are under 4. That does make sense. What's weird is when women have a 15 yo and are still desperately trying to convince themselves it's really fundamental they be at home from 9 to 6 to.....what exactly?

👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

We are all very different and choose differently, thank God because the world would be a boring place if we were all the same

Indeed
Everyone’s stressed right now
So the usual spats get even more nuclear
As the kids say
‘You do you’

Look my experiences are tarred from being in an abusive relationship
That I knew would eventually end
So yeah I’ve always worked like a donkey and saved hard

I’m tired of reading the same speculative crap about families with a SAHM on here - that they’re boring or financially vulnerable or whatever.

You poor thing. It must be so hard reading about how many women are vulnerable by not working when you're completely set up for life. You're so misunderstood! If only we would take up the invitation to visit you in your "part of London"...

@CrotchBurn

I dont think anyone has a problem with SAHM when kids are under 4. That does make sense. What's weird is when women have a 15 yo and are still desperately trying to convince themselves it's really fundamental they be at home from 9 to 6 to.....what exactly?

But why should anyone judge that? What does it have to do with you? If it works for the family then it's no one else's business. No one's asking you to do it.