To ask what you think of SAHMs?

[HarryHarryHarry]

For the past 3 years I have been a SAHM. I never imagined that I would be one but I actually quite like it. Eventually I plan to go back to work but it could be that I just work unskilled-type jobs instead of having a proper career. I really don’t know what my options will be when the time comes. I might just stay home and focus on my writing, which is my real passion, or I might go back to university and retrain in something. (We are lucky that we can currently afford to get by on just one parent’s wages). Recently though I have been wondering what my children will think of me when they’re older. Especially my daughter. Am I a bad example to her?

If your mum was a SAHM, did you have any thoughts about that?

Not many people have their own money without earning it. Is that news to you?

Well no, seeing as I had also just said that I'd been working for several decades and saved before I quit to be a sahp.

@YouJustDoYou

Not many people have their own money without earning it. Is that news to you?

Well no, seeing as I had also just said that I'd been working for several decades and saved before I quit to be a sahp.

So you had enough saved to quit work entirely and still be set up in the case of death or divorce? No, your circumstances really are unusual, to the point where "well they aren't vulnerable if they're like me" really doesn't say anything meaningful.

it’s like Jackie Collins mini series all these well preserved rich dears wafting around in a fug of mo malone as they travel and do whatever the hell they like,with all that wealth and assets

No idea what mo malone is but it sounds great, I can't wait.

No, your circumstances really are unusual

I didn't say they weren't??

@zatar

“This. Exactly this.“

Yes Arrive - that generalisation must happen all the time Because non-SAHM posters on MN do need to put other people’s lifestyles down (I wonder why)?

Or guess what, this can also happen -

The SAHM has had a great life and doesn’t regret a day she has had the privilege to focus on her children and the things that she prioritises in life. Believe it or not, she has not spent 20 years cleaning as a drudge because they have used paid cleaners. She is more prepared for the children “flying the nest” because her life has not revolved around a job and she has had more time to pursue other interests and hobbies of the non-work variety and has grown into this lifestyle. So no retirement ‘shock’ because her life pattern has already evolved beyond a job. No regrets and she would do the same again. Because of the way that she and her DH have organised their lives, they are financially in a far stronger position in terms of wealth and assets and the whole family is aware they are healthier and happier as a result. As the children go to uni, the DH takes a step back from work too (or retires) and the couple can enjoy their 50s / 60s travelling and doing whatever the hell they want.

Because this scenario is exactly the case for all the SAHM couples I see around me. The women are energised, look amazing in their 50s and know exactly what they’re about. The DHs are only semi-working by then, if at all. They are loaded, frankly and they feel they have earned the time to enjoy it while they can.

Sorry, but I’m just telling it how it is.

I wonder how their husbands feel about it. I wouldn’t be best impressed to work my backside off supporting my family alone while my wife spends house pursuing hobbies while our teenage children were at school and living increasingly independent lives. I would honestly struggle to respect a grown adult who didn’t lift a finger to provide for themselves or their children or to share the balance of work with me, once the children were older I mean. And then that person claims they have earned the right to enjoy themselves....as if the working parents hasn’t!

Of course the situation works out for many people and good for them but you’re not really selling it to me with this argument!

Not so unusual we saved before I stopped work.
If we'd have divorced or he died or lost his work then we would be ok.
We choose to live frugally so we don't need more than a min wage to live quite well.

@YouJustDoYou

No, your circumstances really are unusual

I didn't say they weren't??

Right. Ok. So we have established that your circumstances don't apply to the vast majority of people and therefore aren't hugely relevant to people pointing out that for the most part, not working leaves you financially vulnerable.

I mean, obviously you can enter at this stage and say, "Well not if you're in my highly unusual circumstances that apply to very few people", but it's hard to see why.

I would have been absolutely fucked when I divorced my H if I hadn't been working. It gave me choices and freedom to walk away. And a house to live in and income to feed my kids with. I think anyone who doesn't earn their own money is taking massive risks and limiting their choices when (as these days it mostly does) it all goes wrong. (see endless threads on here). I will always advise my daughters that they should never be reliant on a man

And to previous comments upthread - i have always worked (bar maternity leaves). My older daughters are really proud of what I've achieved and the work I do. My eldest daughter has said her friends at university think I'm amazing (I have quite a high profile job).

Each to their own and all that, but I'll be advising my daughters not to be SAHMs

My being a SAHM has allowed DH and me to make the decision to home educate our children, which is going very well.

It has allowed me the time to learn new skills, and I've just started a course that will also benefit my family.

I utterly hated working. Hated it. I had a fairly cushy office job and I still loathed going there every day. I am not driven enough to go after a career. Being at home makes me happy. Our family can afford to live on one salary. DH is happy that I am at home with the children. He has an extremely stable, satisfying career. He does his share with house and children. We also have a cleaner.

So why should I not be a SAHM? Why should anyone think I'm sad or boring or unimaginative or putting myself and children at risk?

I have absolutely no intention of going back to work ever. I hated it and I'm not putting myself through that again.

Sahm does impact on earning potential/career progression, so if a sahm has a DH who was actively in favour of her doing it and enjoyed the benefits of an easier life due to having a partner at home, I consider it unfair for him to gripe about it down the line, once the kids are older and he doesn't have the risk of being called upon to do his 50%.

*I mean, obviously you can enter at this stage andWell not if you're in my highly unusual circumstances that apply to very few people", but it's hard to see why.

I was merely replying with a factual comment that if you happen to have your own money then no, you are not disadvantaged. I did not say that it was common, or that lots of people were in that state. I did not say everyone had that fortuitous life. It was just a factual comment. Sigh.

I was a SAHM for a few years and it was hard work with two DC barely a year apart. As such I always respect those to do it as it's rarely an easy job and can be quite isolating at times if you're not the extroverted type.

It was definitely the best thing for my children though I will never regret it for that reason. Some DC thrive in childcare but mine (particularly my eldest) were better off at home in their formative years. If I was working I would have been (even more!) stressed and my parenting would have slacked.

It's not for everyone but ultimately most people do it as they believe their children will benefit - what's not to respect about that?!

My mum and grandma both had careers so it was always drilled into me to be financially independent.

I think being a SAHM mum is a viable option if the woman has enough wealth/assets of her own, or it's a temporary job break and she has a full time job/career she can go back to when she so chooses. I never judge anyone who is a SAHM mum but I do worry about anyone who is completely financially dependent on a partner. It's always a good idea to take on additional training/education etc so there are options to return to work to a job that can financially sustain you and children, should you need it.

I'm sure your daughter won't notice or care though! But for your own sanity and also so you have your own life, independence and identity when she goes to school/leaves home, have a think about what training/job/career you can take on. But otherwise it's no one else's business (not even your daughter) how you choose to live your life.

My kids notice and care that I work,we talk about it. They’re interested and proud of me
I tell them age appropriate account of what I do

Sorry everyone I didn’t mean to start a fight. It’s a shame that some people can’t talk about this subject without getting nasty or leaving pointless comments (“Yawn”, “This has been done to death”) that contribute nothing. (Seriously, why even bother looking at the thread if you’re not interested? Just close it and move on!) Thank you to the people who shared their opinions and experiences though! Lots to think about.

I’ve already commented. I think being able to be a SAHM is increasingly unusual- but I don’t think it should be rubbished. It’s hard to give up your identity the way a SAHM mum has to. Most people outside your family rubbish you, and think your sponging off your partner.
Your actual family (when kids are young) appreciate having someone who’s always available and doesn’t have to answer to a place of work.
But it’s unusual to be able to financially afford to do this, and it’s a role that is rubbished by society.
So, yes, it will die out.

Don’t apologise for starting a thread,it’s interesting
And yes it’s really passive aggressive and dull to post “yawn” etc

@HarryHarryHarry

Sorry everyone I didn’t mean to start a fight. It’s a shame that some people can’t talk about this subject without getting nasty or leaving pointless comments (“Yawn”, “This has been done to death”) that contribute nothing. (Seriously, why even bother looking at the thread if you’re not interested? Just close it and move on!) Thank you to the people who shared their opinions and experiences though! Lots to think about.

I wrote that is has been done to death

It has been. My observation is not pointless is entirely relevant and true. It’s just irritated you that I’ve stated the obvious. Most of the replies in your thread confirm that in that the replies are largely subjective and mostly we’ve all heard them before.

There was another thread this week about whether being a SAHM was feminist. The carousel is still going . The poor ponies must be knackered.

My point about it being done to death is for all of us we are either one or the other and ..........

You must have know you were lighting the same old blue touch paper. Surely.

I think working mums are fab
I think SAHM at fab

I love you all end of

@Cleverpolly3

I agree. I think you’re right. I could have been a working mum - by combination of events ended up being a SAHM. Still the same person and fed up being put down for it. Also admire anyone who can keep a career going and be a mum.

Let’s give each other a break.

If a thread doesn’t pique your interest don’t post, don’t rock up to say we done that already or been done to death
It adds nothing but it’s dismissive & critical
Breastfeeding,nurseries,mil are all mn perennial however they have significance to the poster who started thread so it’s relevant to them

@ThatsNotYourPassword

I’ve already commented. I think being able to be a SAHM is increasingly unusual- but I don’t think it should be rubbished. It’s hard to give up your identity the way a SAHM mum has to. Most people outside your family rubbish you, and think your sponging off your partner. Your actual family (when kids are young) appreciate having someone who’s always available and doesn’t have to answer to a place of work. But it’s unusual to be able to financially afford to do this, and it’s a role that is rubbished by society. So, yes, it will die out.

Yes the stats are showing it is dying out.

There is always something that smacks of inequality about it, “my husband earns more” “I don’t earn enough to pay for childcare (when it’s a two person cost)” coupled with very seldom do men want to give up and do it, that makes it seem a lesser choice.

Plus with more and more women going to university now and having careers, they don’t want to give that up, what they worked so hard for. Plus many women now realise the financial risks and vulnerability they face down the line by doing it. So many more marriages end in divorce now than they did, it’s a hellava gamble to say that’s me set for life.

Plus two income families are the over whelming norm now. Which gives a better standard of living for many, a sense of independence and control for women, for example if it goes wrong, you can simply walk, not stay and take it because you have no money. In addition although peoooe who know you won’t judge you, you do tend to gain less respect (exc obvs those At home for reasons other than choice) .

In my company expats were common and when they were male, the wives happy to be trailing spouses, the new generation is dual career and the women are simply not willing to give it up and follow their husband round the world. For a lot of men, it is no longer an option. Child responsibility is split fifty fifty and the women not willing to Jack it in to follow their husbands and stay home in a foreign country to look after the kids.

The stats show it is a lifestyle model that is dying out.

@GrouchyKiwi

My being a SAHM has allowed DH and me to make the decision to home educate our children, which is going very well.

It has allowed me the time to learn new skills, and I've just started a course that will also benefit my family.

I utterly hated working. Hated it. I had a fairly cushy office job and I still loathed going there every day. I am not driven enough to go after a career. Being at home makes me happy. Our family can afford to live on one salary. DH is happy that I am at home with the children. He has an extremely stable, satisfying career. He does his share with house and children. We also have a cleaner.

So why should I not be a SAHM? Why should anyone think I'm sad or boring or unimaginative or putting myself and children at risk?

I have absolutely no intention of going back to work ever. I hated it and I'm not putting myself through that again.

Wow....this made my jaw drop! Let’s hope your husband doesn’t mind that you don’t like working so expect him to shoulder the full financial burden of supporting you forevermore Being 100% honest, are you homeschooling your children because it’s the best thing for each one of them individually, or because it gives you a convenient excuse not to have to work and earn any money? If a couple makes a clear and jointly supported decision for one to be a SAHP then that’s one thing but to overtly state that you hate working and will never do so again....just wow! The entitlement of a grown adult who sees no possibility that she will ever have to contribute anything towards her own upkeep or that of her children is astonishing.

It’s great. In a few years I’ll be a retired Doctor, rather than a housewife - looking forward to the promotion. 😂😂😂

If anyone doubts the depiction of couples with a SAHM I wrote above, come and spend a day in the part of London I live in. Maybe 70-80% of the mums at the schools mine went to were SAH. This is very prevalent.

Unlike some on here, I do speak not from anecdotes or imagined stereotypes. I can speak from my own direct experience on this and that of most of my friends whose lives have followed a similar pattern. We don’t deny we have been fortunate and we know this kind of lifestyle is not exactly the norm for most people in the UK. But, the fact is, families with a SAHM (longer term) are not the norm any more, due to most families needing two incomes. So hardly surprising that you will find high concentrations if SAHMs in the very wealthy areas of London and the U.K.

And as for “what do the husbands think” ... do you honestly think the top 0.01% of earners give a hoot about how much money the wife brings home?

No, they want their kids looked after by the best person for the job - the mum. They want their kids education, interests and opportunities prioritised and facilitated by their mum. Why wouldn’t they? The school system is super-competitive round here. They want to be able to commit to work and travel when and as necessary without ever having to worry about the kids. They want a healthy and happy wife who can make time for herself. They are fine to employ cleaners or extra help as required. They don’t want a wife who is resentful. Also these men nearly always have hobbies, often of a quite extreme variety (which I won’t get into as it’s a whole other thread). So no, they don’t mind their wives doing “her own thing” while the kids are at school. In fact, they would find it odd if she didn’t.

I am describing my own DH above, to be perfectly honest, but he’s far from being the only one. This is most if the men I know (in this area, at least). Many retire in their late 40s / 50s anyway. Or they just run investment portfolios, etc.

Yes, we're home educating because it's best for our children. The decision was made after we agreed that I'd be a SAHM - and we did think for a while about DH being the SAHP because at that point I had the better job. Since then he has retrained (while I supported him) and now has a career that he enjoys.