To ask what you think of SAHMs?

[HarryHarryHarry]

For the past 3 years I have been a SAHM. I never imagined that I would be one but I actually quite like it. Eventually I plan to go back to work but it could be that I just work unskilled-type jobs instead of having a proper career. I really don’t know what my options will be when the time comes. I might just stay home and focus on my writing, which is my real passion, or I might go back to university and retrain in something. (We are lucky that we can currently afford to get by on just one parent’s wages). Recently though I have been wondering what my children will think of me when they’re older. Especially my daughter. Am I a bad example to her?

If your mum was a SAHM, did you have any thoughts about that?

My mum was mostly a stay at home mum when I was young (did a little part time work) and I loved it so much, when I was a teenager she seemed controlling and over bearing and I didn't like it at all. She did what was right for her, now works non stop, and I don't judge her one way or another (although maybe as a teen I thought I wanted to do 'more' than she had).

@cam
Do you understand the premise of mn?people post about topics, it usually gets aerated, we all pile in. 1000 posts thread closes.

In all honesty, every once in a while I wish to be SAHM just to drop the responsibility which comes with being the main breadwinner. However, I also know that after a few months I'd probably go insane and wish I never quit my job. I have a career I worked hard for and most of the time I'm happy with my job. The other side of the coin is that I feel like absolutely shitty mum as I don't feel I'm spending enough time with DD.

Two key female influences in my life were my mum and my paternal grandmother - both working women. My mum's mum was a SAHM and she was both a shitty mum and a shitty grandmother. My MIL is a SAHM who left work when BIL was born and never worked a day after that and while she was a good mother and always there for her children - she did find it hard to 'let go' when they became adults and was a bit more interfering than, I suspect, she would have been if she had something else in her life to be focused on.

I don't judge SAHM, as I said, I often wish I could be one at least for a while - but I also know I'm not cut for it and was raised to believe it is very important for a woman to have her own income.

There wouldn’t be nearly as much need for women to tie themselves in knots about all this shit if a few more of us expected our male partners to step up and balance parenting alongside a job. My husband and I both work four days per week and as a result have two solid careers and also can cover all collections and drop offs between us. I know I’m very lucky to be in that position but it isn’t all pure chance-we (BOTH of us) have made choices and sacrifices to put us in this position. I personally feel the balance of part time work is the ideal but from both parents.

I personally feel the balance of part time work is the ideal but from both parents

Yes

@blueshoes

It wouldn't suit everyone but I think some people are slightly bitter and envious of those who get to stay at home with their children.

An SAHM might consider herself fortunate to have the time at home with her dcs when the children are young and that others are secretly envying her. The tables turn once the dcs are in secondary school and are more interested in their friends. The unfortunate mothers who had no choice but to stay in work are now in senior positions with high pay and flexible jobs. She cannot hope to get anything more than a position well below her qualifications when she left the work force with no flexibility or a pt job that pays laughable wages.

I think a long term SAHM can feel pretty useless once the children fly the nest. Personally, I won't find much meaning to a life of hobbies and dabbling - sounds like groundhog day. It is early retirement when you are only in your early 50s. Well, the SAHM's job is in effect done once the children are gone.

I agree with the poster that the opportunity cost of not earning anything over 15-20 years is vast, not to mention the lost pension. It seems like such a waste to have an economically inactive life.

This. Exactly this.

It’s a tired and lame trope to suggest working mums are envious & bitter
Really I’ve never had a dot of guilt,or twinge of regret about working
Doing exactly what I want to be doing,I don’t envy sahm in the least

I am disappointed that there are people who because they can, choose not to undertake paid work. If you use roads, local facilities, use the NHS, your children or those who you might know attend state schools, that all costs money. Paying a bit of tax helps contribute to what you use.

@zatar

I haven’t read this thread because it will be the same as all the others, but you can’t help but notice that some people seem to have a real bee in their bonnet about SAHMs and I just wonder why? Why comment ad infinitum about a lifestyle you have never experienced and doesn’t affect you in the least?

Why comment? Because people want to share their experiences and maybe help others to see a slightly wider picture.

Many women who are now working outside the home have been SAHMs at some point and so can see both sides and have interesting experiences to relate.

@zatar

Lipstick - yes but you must realise that there is no such thing as a typical SAHM, any more than there is a typical mum who has a job of some description or other. I can’t imagine making sweeping statements about WOHMs because what would I even mean and who would I be talking about? Someone who works a few hours in a cafe or someone whose work consumes their life? Someone who earns £8 per hour, or someone who earns millions? Someone with 1 child, or someone with 5? It’s totally obvious that there is no such thing as a typical WOHM and the same goes for SAHMs. It’s like people have a fixed idea about SAHMs; or they can only imagine it in terms of their own circumstances or relationship and they project their own experiences into SAHMs as a whole - eg. My DH wouldn’t have wanted me to be a SAHM therefore SAHMs are not valued. Or, my income mattered in the context of our family and I needed to work so therefore all SAHMs are financially vulnerable. This kind of thing. I wonder if they’ve ever met any longer-term SAHMs and / or their DHs? If they did, they would maybe come to understand that most of their concerns are total non-issues in the contexts of couples where one is SAH.

Well, to be fair, working mothers do still know what parenting involves.

To address the tax comment, I once worked out that if DH and I earned his wage between us we would, as a couple, pay less tax and would have been entitled to full family allowance (or whatever it's called these days). We were actually penalised in tax terms for me having been a sahp.

I think it's about doing whatever works for your family. I stayed home for the first year with both dc, then went back to work p/t (I was lucky enough to have dm and MIL local and both happy to help with childcare)

I tend not to see the point of staying home once the dc are in school f/t, but each to their own 🤷🏼‍♀️

My primary thinking is around risk
Not being able to get a job and provide for family if shit goes down
I think it’s very risky

My kids are older 2 grown up now, one still teen at home.
They were all glad that we were able to focus on them, because they always need something.
As they got older and needing us less, I have so many interests and hobbies there's no time for a job.
I left my career after ds1 was born, best decision I ever made, but we are all different.

Sahm also know what woh involves - most of have done it. It's a rare woman who goes straight from school into sah parenting

My mum was a SAHP until I was in middle school so I have no strong feelings one way or the other. I think SAHP are equally valuable to working parents, they're different roles and it all depends on your family set up. I think whether someone is a good role model doesn't depend on what they do but more about their attitude if you see what I mean?

“This. Exactly this.“

Yes Arrive - that generalisation must happen all the time Because non-SAHM posters on MN do need to put other people’s lifestyles down (I wonder why)?

Or guess what, this can also happen -

The SAHM has had a great life and doesn’t regret a day she has had the privilege to focus on her children and the things that she prioritises in life. Believe it or not, she has not spent 20 years cleaning as a drudge because they have used paid cleaners. She is more prepared for the children “flying the nest” because her life has not revolved around a job and she has had more time to pursue other interests and hobbies of the non-work variety and has grown into this lifestyle. So no retirement ‘shock’ because her life pattern has already evolved beyond a job. No regrets and she would do the same again. Because of the way that she and her DH have organised their lives, they are financially in a far stronger position in terms of wealth and assets and the whole family is aware they are healthier and happier as a result. As the children go to uni, the DH takes a step back from work too (or retires) and the couple can enjoy their 50s / 60s travelling and doing whatever the hell they want.

Because this scenario is exactly the case for all the SAHM couples I see around me. The women are energised, look amazing in their 50s and know exactly what they’re about. The DHs are only semi-working by then, if at all. They are loaded, frankly and they feel they have earned the time to enjoy it while they can.

Sorry, but I’m just telling it how it is.

I dont think anything about mums wanting to be at home but I do think you are much more vulnerable if you split up.

My DM was a stay at home mum but she was never there, never took me to school or picked me up never came to sports days, only came to parents evening with my DF, showed very little interest in me. I resented her for not working when she used me as an excuse but didn't do anything with me. I also resented her willingness to spend the money so we went without stuff other families had and that had she have worked we would have been very comfortable.

Like alot of people who refuse to work she was obsessed with money and felt that she had a bad hand in life.

Interesting thread. Both come with stress. I find it hard juggling apts and time off. Doing full time but would love day less. Hard keep on top of it all housework etc. We both in at 6.

yearin why is it accept for your DM and DMIL to provide childcare ? Are they retired? Would they not want to be enjoying their retirement? Do you expect to be a childminder for your own DC in the future - how does that match up to your own wish to have a career?

Not being goady, just genuinely interested. I would be appalled if my DS assumed I would provide childcare for his DC - I have been a SAHM. At the time it was the best choice for me but I have no wish to be a childminder in the future.

I am of an age when I could be a grandparent, I am still working as are many of my contemporaries, some of my friends who are grandparents feel totally exploited by their adult DC who expect childcare but sadly haven't got the guts to say 'no'.

Yawn.

@zatar

“This. Exactly this.“

Yes Arrive - that generalisation must happen all the time Because non-SAHM posters on MN do need to put other people’s lifestyles down (I wonder why)?

Or guess what, this can also happen -

The SAHM has had a great life and doesn’t regret a day she has had the privilege to focus on her children and the things that she prioritises in life. Believe it or not, she has not spent 20 years cleaning as a drudge because they have used paid cleaners. She is more prepared for the children “flying the nest” because her life has not revolved around a job and she has had more time to pursue other interests and hobbies of the non-work variety and has grown into this lifestyle. So no retirement ‘shock’ because her life pattern has already evolved beyond a job. No regrets and she would do the same again. Because of the way that she and her DH have organised their lives, they are financially in a far stronger position in terms of wealth and assets and the whole family is aware they are healthier and happier as a result. As the children go to uni, the DH takes a step back from work too (or retires) and the couple can enjoy their 50s / 60s travelling and doing whatever the hell they want.

Because this scenario is exactly the case for all the SAHM couples I see around me. The women are energised, look amazing in their 50s and know exactly what they’re about. The DHs are only semi-working by then, if at all. They are loaded, frankly and they feel they have earned the time to enjoy it while they can.

Sorry, but I’m just telling it how it is.

This is absolutely hilarious!

Oh that’s nailed it @YouJustDoYou
All these women posting,you just rock up with a casual as you like yawn
What a contribution

Lots of women are vulnerable if they divorce. My friend has always worked. She got screwed in the divorce because he is self employed and can hide a lot of his earnings. One could conclude that's it's men who make women vulnerable, more than sah or not!

I love @zatar description it’s like Jackie Collins mini series all these well preserved rich dears wafting around in a fug of mo malone as they travel and do whatever the hell they like,with all that wealth and assets