To ask what you think of SAHMs?

[HarryHarryHarry]

For the past 3 years I have been a SAHM. I never imagined that I would be one but I actually quite like it. Eventually I plan to go back to work but it could be that I just work unskilled-type jobs instead of having a proper career. I really don’t know what my options will be when the time comes. I might just stay home and focus on my writing, which is my real passion, or I might go back to university and retrain in something. (We are lucky that we can currently afford to get by on just one parent’s wages). Recently though I have been wondering what my children will think of me when they’re older. Especially my daughter. Am I a bad example to her?

If your mum was a SAHM, did you have any thoughts about that?

I think SAHMs put themselves and their children in a very vulnerable position

Only if the sahm/sahd doesn't have their own money in the first place.

I get to take my children to and from school, I can attend assemblies, school plays and be at home with them when they are poorly. If my children were ever to compare me negatively to a parent who works then I would happily remind them of these things
Me and my husband did exactly the same and funny enough we both managed to work full time as well.🤷‍♀️

Me and my husband did exactly the same and funny enough we both managed to work full time as well

Good for you! But shock horror, not every one can actually do that.

I don't think being a SAHM is a good choice, sorry. I mean - I'm sure its more comfortable daily life, but then I see all these threads here about "my DH cheated on me, I want to leave him, but he's got the house, pension, savings, and I have nothing, no job, I'm SAHM, what should I do". We live in a material world, and in order to exist (eat, buy clothes, pay for your home) you need money. And by being a SAHM you are making someone else responsible for your existence. What if he leaves you? What if he gets hit by a bus? I would never ever give anyone else this kind of power over my life. Unless, of course, I am so financially well off on my own that I don't need to earn anymore, but that's a completely different story.

God I hate these threads, they are so pointless. Let's just rip each others choices to shreds and make everyone feel worthless. It's not like there are more important things going on in the world!!

@YouJustDoYou

I think SAHMs put themselves and their children in a very vulnerable position

Only if the sahm/sahd doesn't have their own money in the first place.

Not many people have their own money without earning it. Is that news to you?

@YouJustDoYou

Me and my husband did exactly the same and funny enough we both managed to work full time as well

Good for you! But shock horror, not every one can actually do that.

You're the same person who just made a comment about SAHPs being vulnerable only if they aren't independently wealthy. I don't know what your circumstances are, but from what you're saying, it doesn't sound as though they apply to most people, to say the least.

God I hate these threads, they are so pointless. Let's just rip each others choices to shreds and make everyone feel worthless. It's not like there are more important things going on in the world!!

Yep, this.
I always tell myself not to open these threads, but I get drawn in thinking there might be a reasonable discussion. Then I come away feeling shit.

Me and my husband did exactly the same and funny enough we both managed to work full time as well

Good for you! But shock horror, not every one can actually do that
No but many parents can between them.
Even though I never missed a sports day etc I think my kids qmwkikd have preference missing a two hour activity than facing losing the home/ been completely skint and struggling because mum stated at home and dad was made redundant. Fortunately because I worked we had enough savings to carry on until thinks improves without the children noticing something was wrong.

I haven’t RTFT. When I got married, I was adamant I wanted to be a SAHM even when my (then future) children were school age.

I was a SAHM until my children were nearly 2, and 7. Since then, I have been back at work a combination of FT and part time, as we couldn’t afford for me to continue as a SAHM and more importantly, I did want to get back to work in some capacity.

My feelings on it are mixed, to be honest. I have many friends who are SAHM of neuro typical, SCHOOL age children, with cleaners and other help who still find it hard to ‘do it all’ and I find myself really having to not judge. (Obviously any mental health issues aside).

I think that women have a pretty tough time juggling work and kids, and if you are able to be a SAHM, especially if your kids are under school age, it probably is beneficial BUT being at home with under school age full time with no partner support during the week (which was our situation) was HARD too.

I suppose it’s different for everyone. I finally feel like I have a good balance. My kids are 12 and 8 and I work 4 days a week, term time only. I appreciate that these kind of jobs are hard to come by, and am grateful every day!

Done to death

Shock!Horror! not everyone is bothered about missing every school events
It’s no biggie

I think SAHMs put themselves and their children in a very vulnerable position

But blanket statements like this conveniently ignore all the DC who would be vulnerable if both of their parents worked full time. It's somehow heresy on here to mention that. There's some great high-quality childcare available nowadays but not everyone lives close to it and not everyone has loving grandparents willing to step up and help.

I would like to ask this question - It does seem to me, that whenever there is a thread with SAHM in the title, it attracts the same posters making the same points.

If you are a mum who has always worked and your children are older now anyway, what is it about the SAHM lifestyle that you feel so strongly about that you have to comment on every thread making the same points? What compels you to do this? Particularly if your kids are grown up now anyway and it’s irrelevant if you are working or not?

Obviously MN is a free-for-all, but when I read these threads, what leaps out is people who have never been a SAHM, yet they have sooo much to say about it.

I mean, I’m a SAHM and if there was constantly threads about “WOHMs” (as if this means anything), I literally have no view whatsoever about ‘them.’ How would concern me? I don’t need to ask people to justify what they do all day; or making sweeping statements about this type of job is “work” but this job is not; or ask people how vulnerable their income is and so on and so on. I just can’t imagine why I would care to even give it a moments thought?

I was a SAHM for most of my kids life - my now grown up daughter reckons I was a bored housewife and should have worked.

My friend kept working in her professional career (we were juniors together) - she worked part-time. Her daughter resents the years of after school care and she wants to be a SAHM.

There is no right answer - hopefully we are all doing our best. It’s no one else’s business

Why are you continuing to read the same threads if your not happy with other people’s opinion.

The most vulnerable SAHMs in my opinion are the lone parents on benefits. I have met some mothers who, when their children get to a certain age, are no longer entitled to anything like the same level of benefits, and are expected to look for work. I'm a volunteer, and a few have come to work in the charity shop, after years of not working.

The children often have little or no experience of people going to work on a regular basis, and some of the mums struggle with the discipline needed to turn up regularly and on time. The end result can be an existence on single person benefits if they can't find work.

I haven’t read this thread because it will be the same as all the others, but you can’t help but notice that some people seem to have a real bee in their bonnet about SAHMs and I just wonder why? Why comment ad infinitum about a lifestyle you have never experienced and doesn’t affect you in the least?

@ThatsNotYourPassword

I was a SAHM for most of my kids life - my now grown up daughter reckons I was a bored housewife and should have worked.

My friend kept working in her professional career (we were juniors together) - she worked part-time. Her daughter resents the years of after school care and she wants to be a SAHM.

There is no right answer - hopefully we are all doing our best. It’s no one else’s business

^^. As a parent of teens I agree this is so true!

Whatever choices they make, mothers come in for such a lot of flack, from their teens, which is a natural part of DC moving away from their parents and establishing their own separate identities, from society in general, and on threads like this where women seem intent on shooting one another down,
while men , as long as they haven't abandoned their DC entirely, seem to escape the same degree of judgement.... .

I’ve no direct experience of trafficking or sex work I have opinions on both
I habitually post on those threads
@zatar I think you’ll find most of us on mn post about issues we may not have direct experience of but nonetheless will post about

One lady I know is adamant she'll never work again.
I do judge her. I think it's sad. Her husband disagrees with her, hes ready for her to do something. She doesn't want to study or volunteer.
She wants nothing to occupy her days.
The day will come when she's a boring old mare and has nothing to show for it.

Life has to be more than sitting at home.

In answer to your question OP, I do judge certain women for staying at home. I'm sick of hearing my friends moan about having no money, their career has gone to shit, they refuse to do a 'menial' job (can't be a teacher anymore but won't be a TA mentality!!) these women that are deeply regretting their choices .......
Its a big leap

Lipstick - yes but you must realise that there is no such thing as a typical SAHM, any more than there is a typical mum who has a job of some description or other. I can’t imagine making sweeping statements about WOHMs because what would I even mean and who would I be talking about? Someone who works a few hours in a cafe or someone whose work consumes their life? Someone who earns £8 per hour, or someone who earns millions? Someone with 1 child, or someone with 5? It’s totally obvious that there is no such thing as a typical WOHM and the same goes for SAHMs. It’s like people have a fixed idea about SAHMs; or they can only imagine it in terms of their own circumstances or relationship and they project their own experiences into SAHMs as a whole - eg. My DH wouldn’t have wanted me to be a SAHM therefore SAHMs are not valued. Or, my income mattered in the context of our family and I needed to work so therefore all SAHMs are financially vulnerable. This kind of thing. I wonder if they’ve ever met any longer-term SAHMs and / or their DHs? If they did, they would maybe come to understand that most of their concerns are total non-issues in the contexts of couples where one is SAH.

I mean say you had a certain job... I don’t know, say you sold insurance or something. Would it not seem bizarre to you if people, who have nothing whatsoever to do with insurance are constantly starting or contributing to threads with .. “What a boring life;” “That job leaves you financially vulnerable;” “That’s not hard work... Oh yes it is; oh no it isn’t;” “Only if you kids are pre-school / primary school / teenagers mind;” “My mother’s cousins brother’s neighbour once worked in insurance and now regrets it;” “Yes, but is she a model to her daughter?” “I think this is a waste if a life;” “Her husband must be x,y,z - they always are..” “she’s not fighting the patriarchy either..,,”

@zatar you’re absolutely tied in linguistic and theoretical knots with Christ knows what point you’re trying to make

How mn works is,one posts in response to whatever piques ones interest
Inevitably that is usually a habitual or recurring theme

God I hate these threads, they are so pointless. Let's just rip each others choices to shreds and make everyone feel worthless. It's not like there are more important things going on in the world!!

Amen. Why the fuck do people waste so much energy judging each other? Everyone has their own perspective and advice to impart and that's fair enough, but it all gets a bit personal!