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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you think of SAHMs?

999 replies

HarryHarryHarry · 08/01/2021 21:31

For the past 3 years I have been a SAHM. I never imagined that I would be one but I actually quite like it. Eventually I plan to go back to work but it could be that I just work unskilled-type jobs instead of having a proper career. I really don’t know what my options will be when the time comes. I might just stay home and focus on my writing, which is my real passion, or I might go back to university and retrain in something. (We are lucky that we can currently afford to get by on just one parent’s wages). Recently though I have been wondering what my children will think of me when they’re older. Especially my daughter. Am I a bad example to her?

If your mum was a SAHM, did you have any thoughts about that?

OP posts:
Twobrews · 09/01/2021 15:23

Me too and think only the kind of women who wish to do the pta crap, usually to keep themselves busy, feel important, and make friends, are the sort to see it as a benefit.
What about the Men on the PTA?

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 09/01/2021 15:26

Men in the pta? None.Nadda. Few women with moustaches mind

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 09/01/2021 15:27

It seems that financially and mentally you are happy being a SAHM and you have purposeful interests to keep you occupied so I don’t think your children will turn around and berate you for not working.

Eileithyiaa · 09/01/2021 15:28

I have a lot of respect for SAHMs. I couldn't do it. I really struggled on maternity leave and felt like I was going round the bend.
I went back to work after 9 months.
It made me feel a bit like a failure in that I was missing out on things and why didn't I want to spend every waking moment with DD? I felt guilty.

Eventually I come to terms with the fact that we all benefitted from me working. I'm a better mum for it, I'm happier and nicer to be around, I cherish the time spent with her in the evening and at weekend and I appreciate the little things more.

By Sunday evening though, I am more than ready to park being a "mum" and get back to the grindstone.

As long as you're happy, you're DC are happy and healthy then you're winning and don't worry about what anybody else thinks Smile

Bluntness100 · 09/01/2021 15:29

What about the Men on the PTA?

I’m sure they exist, but in my daughters three schools there was not one. And the same for my friends kids schools.

CounsellorTroi · 09/01/2021 15:29

I'm also doing a Masters degree and have 10+ years professional work experience behind me so I can go back to work (part time) one day.

The longer you stay out of the workplace, and the less recent your work experience becomes, the harder you will find it to go back. Just saying.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 09/01/2021 15:33

Very much so,people move on,direct workplace contacts change your significance and personal contacts decreases

lurch3r · 09/01/2021 15:37

If it puts your mind at rest, I've been a full-time out of the home working mother for my DC's childhood. DD (20) told me recently that there was no way she was up for that if she had children. I told her that I was trying to be a good example and she laughed and said, 'more like a terrible warning'. My point is, we can't win. If you can afford to be at home and you like it, go for it. This mum wouldn't judge.

MsConstrue · 09/01/2021 15:37

I never think about it in real life and my overriding view is each to their own - do what suits you best.

But yes I would say you are setting a bad example to your daughter. and yes you are putting yourself at massive financial risk if or when you split up. And yes you are risking getting stuck in that position the longer you are out of the job market. And yes I judge and have less respect for you that you feel fulfilled being a sahm because it's so fucking boring, and dull and don't you need more stimulation in your life. And I also judge you for giving your H all the financial and other power and becoming a stereotype. But presumably you don't care what I, a stranger on the internet thinks, and why should you?

Twobrews · 09/01/2021 15:37

Men in the pta? None.Nadda.
There's a pretty even split at my kids school. Barely any SAHP, they're usually too busy with pre schoolers to help, then go back to work. It's predominantly part time workers or full time who do school friendly hours.

Eileithyiaa · 09/01/2021 15:38

[quote stufftosay]@AlternativePerspective I don't think it's OK at all to stick your child in a nursery from 6 months or age from 8-6, 5 days a week. I think it's really sad. I wouldn't want to do it with mine and have only returned because I work from home and have a nanny and my hours are flexible. If I had had to stick my baby into a nursery, I would not be back at work. No way. [/quote]
Coming from a very privileged position, surely you realise that no all women have this choice?

Bloody nanny ffs.

Bluntness100 · 09/01/2021 15:40

@lurch3r

If it puts your mind at rest, I've been a full-time out of the home working mother for my DC's childhood. DD (20) told me recently that there was no way she was up for that if she had children. I told her that I was trying to be a good example and she laughed and said, 'more like a terrible warning'. My point is, we can't win. If you can afford to be at home and you like it, go for it. This mum wouldn't judge.
That’s odd my daughter has the opposite view. She learned if you want nice things, you need to work and pay for them. She’s now 23 and a trainee lawyer.

She had a child hood where she had all the advantages, but she appreciated we worked to provide those for her (and us) and her view is she wishes to do the same.

I’d be horrified if my daughter thought my life was a “terrible warning” and feel so sad for you. 💐

SecondhandTable · 09/01/2021 15:43

My DM actually did work and study PT on and off throughout my childhood. She had a career as a nursery practitioner for a while and worked in admin other times, she also did various volunteering jobs on and off. For the most part this was during school hours and small amounts of evening and weekend work. So she was still the main caregiver and any income she earned was a pittance compared to my DF who was the breadwinner and after further study massively ramped up his earning potential and began to work abroad a lot too.

I love her and respect her and she made the decisions she thought was best for the family but I do think my DF probably influenced her as I doubt he would have wanted her to have a career tbh. It was convenient for him that she was around to do the childcare when he was suddenly put on night shifts or told he would be going abroad for 10 days next month etc.

The main thing I've taken away from all these experiences is not any judgement of SAHMs or of women who massively reduce their career/earning potentials after having DC is as PP have mentioned the insecurity. I recently found out in adulthood that my DF had an affair when I was younger and I have a half sibling that I've never met or known about. My DM basically said she didn't separate from my DF because she thought it wouldnt be the best decision for me materially - because she would have had very little/no income of her own and I guess our living standards would have changed a lot depending on whether my DF funded us equitably or not. I feel she felt she had no choice and if she'd had her own well paid career etc I do wonder whether she'd have made a different decision. Likewise all the people I know now in adulthood with small children who complain all the time about lazy AF partners who don't pull their weight, they all rely on their partners financially for their current living standards and have no jobs/careers of their own. I always wonder why they put up with that behaviour and then I noticed that's what they all have in common.

Bluntness100 · 09/01/2021 15:49

My DM basically said she didn't separate from my DF because she thought it wouldnt be the best decision for me materially

I mean this gently but feel that’s unfair of your mother to put the blame on you like that. Like she did it for you. Your fathers role was to fund you. Not her. Also did she leave when you were in your late teens?

If the answer is no, then it’s highly likely she did it predominantly for herself. Many women stay for the lifestyle.

But saying you did it for the kids I think is not on. Particularly not if you’re not working to get yourself into a better financial position so you can then leave.

RufustheSniggeringReindeer · 09/01/2021 15:49

@Twobrews

Men in the pta? None.Nadda. There's a pretty even split at my kids school. Barely any SAHP, they're usually too busy with pre schoolers to help, then go back to work. It's predominantly part time workers or full time who do school friendly hours.
There were a couple in the infant and junior school not many...

And obviously i assume they were there for the same reason as the women , you know...making friends, trying to appear important, that sort of thing

(Disclaimer...I don’t actually think that)

notacooldad · 09/01/2021 15:50

I don't have strong feelings about other people being a SAHM if they want to.
However it wasn't for me.
As others have said you are vulnerable. Over the years I have saved the family financially when life went on a different route to what me and D h had planned.

SatyajitRayFan · 09/01/2021 15:50

I think SAHMs put themselves and their children in a very vulnerable position. Life can be very unpredictable as this recent, very unfortunate thread shows
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4130403-Advice-for-divorcing-SAHM

WaterOffADucksCrack · 09/01/2021 15:59

I get to take my children to and from school, I can attend assemblies, school plays and be at home with them when they are poorly. If my children were ever to compare me negatively to a parent who works then I would happily remind them of these things. I'm able to do these things whilst working full time as I built my career as a single parent somewhere which suited me and recognised what I bring to the table. I don't get very good pay but I have the flexibility I want.

Someone once asked me about which strong women had inspired me and I instantly thought of my grandma (now 80) who worked and raised children whilst her husband worked abroad for years. I always felt sorry for my sahm as I don't believe she really wanted to do it and only ended up ok financially because my dad was so generous in the divorce (even though she cheated and treated him terribly for the final years.

Sceptre86 · 09/01/2021 16:02

My mum was a sahm. She is and has been a great mum but always put us first and sacrifices a lot of herself for us. In some ways I envy that she could be at home with us when we were little and not have to rely on nursery care. She got a part time job two years ago and I couldn't be more proud of her. She has her own independence now, her own money. I would not want to be a sahm. My career is important to me and I did not study so hard to be a sahm and in some ways waste my skills. I also think that I can be a good role model to my dd by showing her that education, work and a career opens many doors for you and gives you so many more choices. I also think it is important to not rely on a partner for income. If my dd chooses to be a sahm that is fine but I would want it to be her choice.

Being a sahm mum is not for me but I don't judge anyone negatively for being one, whatever works for your family.

ChalkDinosaur · 09/01/2021 16:02

My mum was a SAHM until I was 7 (she went back to work when my brother started school). Honestly I don't think I had (or have!) an opinion of it either way. If you're lucky enough to have the choice then I think the option that makes you feel happiest and most fulfilled is the best one (for you and your kids).

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 09/01/2021 16:04

I’ve missed assemblies,plays,sports day. It clashed with work. I’m not perturbed by this neither were the kids

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 09/01/2021 16:04

I can attend assemblies, school plays and be at home with them when they are poorly

Amazingly working parents can do those things too Hmm

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 09/01/2021 16:09

My dp he attended sports day,assemblies etc. Or we did it on a rota if I had adequate notice

Bluntness100 · 09/01/2021 16:10

I also think that I can be a good role model to my dd by showing her that education, work and a career opens many doors for you and gives you so many more choices

I agree with this, I said to my husband at the start he’d always know I was with him through choice and not because I had to be.

However as said, very few stay at home mums encourage their daughters to be the same as them. The ones I know are also hugely proud of their own adult daughters achievements.

I’ve also never met one who encourages their sons to be stay at home dads. More to take shared responsibility

In general it is never something that’s given my any parent as something to aspire to.

YouJustDoYou · 09/01/2021 16:13

My mum was a SAHM until I was 7 (she went back to work when my brother started school). Honestly I don't think I had (or have!) an opinion of it either way. If you're lucky enough to have the choice then I think the option that makes you feel happiest and most fulfilled is the best one (for you and your kids)

Hear hear.