To ask what you think of SAHMs?

[HarryHarryHarry]

For the past 3 years I have been a SAHM. I never imagined that I would be one but I actually quite like it. Eventually I plan to go back to work but it could be that I just work unskilled-type jobs instead of having a proper career. I really don’t know what my options will be when the time comes. I might just stay home and focus on my writing, which is my real passion, or I might go back to university and retrain in something. (We are lucky that we can currently afford to get by on just one parent’s wages). Recently though I have been wondering what my children will think of me when they’re older. Especially my daughter. Am I a bad example to her?

If your mum was a SAHM, did you have any thoughts about that?

People should do what works for them! I’m work haven’t yet missed any sports day and always there when needed for my children. I also due to having always worked luckily now to request flexi time request for working part time hours to do school pickups. I also have a husband who puts in as much effort as I do for our children and helps with pick ups (even though he is the far higher earner) it’s a joint effort and without us working together it be harder.
But I’d never judge a SAHP it’s not my business. Though something I read early clicked with me one of my daughters friends has a SAHP & I think she is the only one out of her friendship group - can’t wait to go to uni to escape her mother’s control she finds her quite suffocating. Recently a huge argument at their house when the younger daughter turned around and said I don’t see the point in homeschooling I’ll be like you Mum a SAHP - the Dad was the one who basically insulted the mum by saying no it’s worthless :( that was sad. Turned out he was very stressed as he had no choice but to keep working and was constantly worried as all the finance responsibilities where on him - but that’s an issue with their relationship they should have had an open conversation about what worked for them both.
But in the end do what makes you happy and stop passing your judgement onto others - I mean that both ways to justify your own choices- as females own them without putting anyone else down.

I can't believe people hold back respect for their own mothers based on the fact that they were SAHP.

And as for saying that sahm must be thick or unimaginative because they are a sahp...well that's about as accurate as me saying that those mothers who go to work are neglectful of their children. Neither statement is true or accurate so there is no need for the snide comments based on the intelligence of a whole group of people who just happen to stay at home whilst their children are small.

TrickQuestions

I haven’t seen anyone saying SAHMs are thick.

I am just noting from personal experience that I have seen a number or clever and driven women who have found being a career SAHM rather limiting after a certain point.

It doesn’t suit everyone to have your life purpose defined by raising children. It doesn’t mean you are thick if you are ok with that. But it’s a definite phenomenon that after a certain point many women crave more purpose and other kinds of stimulation. I don’t think there’s anything controversial about that.

I haven’t seen anyone saying SAHMs are thick.

There was one (I think it said "bit dim and unimaginative", much like the comment itself), but I think it was a plopper.

@TrickQuestions I read that comment I think the poster may have used the wrong wording. I don’t think SAHP lack imagination however I do get where that poster is coming from.

Personally if you are a SAHP to children 0-7 years I can understand beyond that I would wonder what exactly are you doing everyday!

Obviously people’s circle of friends vary but I would find it a little boring and lonely! I like going to work for the interaction side too.

I love being a SAHM! It definitely works well for our family - especially now with home learning. My husband can focus on work and I can do the lessons during the day and clean/get household things done in between. Then we can all have dinner together and relax in the evenings. There is no stress, no juggling childcare, if someone is sick I'm here to take care of them. I actually do really like hanging out with and playing with my 3 children. Some of my friends would be SO bored with endless kid time and play dates but it suits me! I was lucky enough to buy a house when I was 24 which turned into a rental once my husband and I got married so that is my income/back up plan just in case anything ever happened with my husbands job. I'm also doing a Masters degree and have 10+ years professional work experience behind me so I can go back to work (part time) one day. Anyways my advice is do what works best for you and your family, have savings and contingencies in place and try to live without regrets. Do I stalk LinkedIn and sometimes beat myself up when I see former colleagues progressing way further ahead in their careers than I ever will? Of course!!! But I made a choice and I have to remind myself you can have it all but you can't have it all at once.

chel I answered in an earlier post 'what I did at home all day when I was a SAHM' and was then sneered at for 'being able to do all that and look after my DC ' .

Everyone's set up is different - my DH never saw my role as being 'chief child carer and housekeeper' he was/is fully involved in raising our DC and doing housework/cooking/home admin etc etc. In fact he probably did more than me 'pro-rata'- I often see the comment on here "do both parents have equal 'free time' ?" I had plenty of 'free time' as a SAHM. My home was no show home, some of the comments on Mumsnet about how much housework people do all day are totally over the top. Being a 'stay at home mum' doesn't literally mean you stay at home all the time (pre Covid of course!).

Let's be honest though, there is a huge difference between women who have made a conscious decision to be a SAHP, are comfortably off, have a decent partner who does his fair share of parenting, housework etc has the confidence & resources to make a social life/volunteer etc to have a "life of their own" and someone who is stuck in poor housing, very limited financial resources and a dead beat, controlling partner. .

@MummaBear4321

I have to say, as someone who is considering being a SAHM after my mat leave finishes, I dont understand the idea that I suddenly become financially reliant on my DH. Yes, he will bring home the money, but I dint lose my qualifications or experience just because I choose to be a SAHM. If DH left me I would be able to go straight back to work. I dont lose my ability to earn money, we would just be choosing as a couple to drop a wage. We have joint accounts, joint savings, and all our money is 'ours'. We never keep track of individual money. When DH decided to retrain and go into a new career nobody said he was silly for being financially dependent on me for over a year while he trained.

Absolutely but it can't be easy trying to find a new job in that scenario especially juggling child care, depending on how custody would be etc

@Ragwort I may have missed every single comment on the thread apologies!

I wasn’t sneering by any means that’s why I highlighted children’s ages below 7 years of age. Even with a good partner I would struggle to fill my time during school hours and I think once children are in year 6 people saying I cook and clean all parents do things like this regardless of their job status.

I know it doesn’t mean your at home all the time but not everyone has the same schedule people are at work and have other commitments so I don’t think it’s as simple as always meeting up with friends either.

@dontdisturbmenow

Being home for them' prior to the pandemic would include things like being available to look after them should they fall ill and need to stay off school So a handful numbers of days a year?

Being able to take them to and from school
Which you can still do working, one or the other and even if they are in clubs, you still take them to the clubs, so not that different.

Being able to pop to the school in under 10 minutes to drop something off that they may have forgotten
My kids learned quickly to take responsibility. I found it do sad to see how many kids starting secondary school regularly forgetting things because ultimately, they were just used to mum bringing it later.

Being able help out and involve myself with any help the school needs
That doesn't always make the kids happy, at least not in Y5 or Y6. My friends kids hated that their mum worked in the school too and were involved in things.

Not needing to worry about childcare during school holidays
That certain is true!

I was merely replying to someone who asked me to define what 'being at home for the children' meant so I listed some specifics. Of course some working parents are able to take there children to and from school but I know a lot who can't and rely on childminders or grandparents to do it for them. Thankfully my children haven't been off school much due to illness but I am still pleased to be able to be there to collect them straight away if it does occur. It is something that is important to me personally. In regards to me taking things down to school that the children may have forgotten, I am personally talking about my primary aged children and once in a blue moon things are forgotten. (By both them and me. We are generally very organised but you know we're only human. I would hope that by the time my children are in secondary school this wouldn't be an issue. Don't get me wrong I'm not heavily involved in helping out at school and I'm not someone who volunteers for everything but I am happy that I can be there to help if needed. Most of what I do is behind the scenes and my children are probably completely unaware that I do anything to help so currently they are not affected. With schools being closed because of the pandemic me being a sahm has been an advantage and I'm not going to apologise for focusing on the positives of 'being home for the kids'. My role within my family makes us happy.

My Mum was a ceiling-smashing career woman; she started work as I turned 4 and had a fabulous life (as did I by association). She made it to all school events, including Saturday sports, as well.

I grew up really proud of her achievements and vowed to work just as hard. NB: I chose not to have kids, so I wasn't thinking of my impact on them.

I view SAHMs as a bit sad, if it's beyond the toddler years; I wonder what self-worth they must have, and judge that they rely on someone else for money. I do believe they often support their OH's career, but I don't think it should be a forever 'job'.

I love being a sahm so much and being a mother has always been my one and only big dream. I love everything about it. I couldn't care less what anyone else thinks and would never judge a working mum. There are pros and cons to both and different things suit different families.

I guess I'm lucky that I can work and be around for the school run, look after my DD if she is ill, see her in school plays etc etc. Do what works for you, I don't get the whole SAHM vs working mums judging and its quite sad that it goes on.

I would struggle to fill my time during school hours
This kind of comment is almost always posted by working parents on these threads yet it's the SAHP who are labelled unimaginative

@Twobrews maybe your on the defence. I stayed at home for 14months with DS... worked nights (2) a week so I have spent a LOT of times with DS before he started school.

Once a child is over 7 parenting is no where near as demanding newborn and toddler stages. 9-3 Monday - Friday is a lot of time... that’s my take as a part time working mum!

Being able to take them to and from school
I’ve rarely dropped off, but do collect from Afterschool. I don’t think it’s particularly significant

Being able to pop to the school in under 10 minutes to drop something off that they may have forgotten
Bags all packed night before,and if something is forgotten, tough titty nothing can de done. They’ll need to learn to not be ditzy

Being able help out and involve myself with any help the school needs
I’d rather gouge my eyes with rusty nail that get involved with the PTA cabal. Quite frankly I do not want to help because of PTA it’s a clique that’s badly run and always a drama. Full of histrionics and falling outs

Not needing to worry about childcare during school holidays
I have never worried I’m organised my childcare is sorted in advance for the school holidays

I could easily fill the school hours but if I'm honest, it would be to my benefit more than my family's.

I’d rather gouge my eyes with rusty nail that get involved with the PTA cabal. Quite frankly I do not want to help because of PTA it’s a clique that’s badly run and always a drama. Full of histrionics and falling outs

Me too and think only the kind of women who wish to do the pta crap, usually to keep themselves busy, feel important, and make friends, are the sort to see it as a benefit. Everyone else would rather run in the opposite direction. And keep running.

If you woh and can't comprehend that some people are perfectly capable of happily filling their days without being directed by am employer, then you are the one who lacks imagination, not the sahp!

Sah is not 'sad' if it's your choice and suits your family/personality. I don't see why it's better to have a job that you don't want or need just for the sake of it.

Not everyone has a thrilling career - lots of people just have ordinary jobs and even in dual income households, you can be up shit creek and unable to pay the mortgage if one person loses their job. Life is risky - people should just do what suits them for the most part.

Having a job does not render a person as more interesting. I did meet a bum doctor at a wedding once and fair play, he had some funny stories - the woman who worked as a buyer for a retailer, not so much!

If you woh and can't comprehend that some people are perfectly capable of happily filling their days without being directed by am employer, then you are the one who lacks imagination, not the sahp!

Do you not work? Because you’d have to be generally quite incapable or in a very manual role to be directed by your employer. Most folks who work don’t need to be directed, they are employed to do the job and do it.

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

I could easily fill the school hours but if I'm honest, it would be to my benefit more than my family's.

I agree

Pre covid i did a lot of stuff for my own benefit, certainly didn’t spend hours doing housework

@Bluntness100

I’d rather gouge my eyes with rusty nail that get involved with the PTA cabal. Quite frankly I do not want to help because of PTA it’s a clique that’s badly run and always a drama. Full of histrionics and falling outs

Me too and think only the kind of women who wish to do the pta crap, usually to keep themselves busy, feel important, and make friends, are the sort to see it as a benefit. Everyone else would rather run in the opposite direction. And keep running.

In fairness I think that depends entirely on the PTA. When my elder child was at primary school I became involved with the PTA and we had a sensible chair who just got her head down and organised stuff, accepted all help, thanked everyone, the money rolled in and all was good. She was replaced by someone who thought that chair of the PTA was a role on a par with principal, and who drove away every volunteer except her best friend, then moaned that no one would help. Prior to her arrival, I had thought that tales of the PTA clique was an urban myth. Now I'd rather shite in my hands and clap than ever get involved again.

While I'm here, when I was a wohm I had a lot of family support, from my own mum, who some of you would have looked down on - remember a lot of wohp can only do what they do because of the invisible support they are receiving.

I also dodged the PTA and am not a clingy mum who won't have a life once the kids though - I'm looking forward to my child free holidays, a tidy house and a fridge that stays stocked for more than 10 minutes

Bluntness everyone in work has their role directed to some degree by their employer. I don't mean them breathing down your neck telling you what to do minute by minute. I used to be a teacher - my employer wasn't in the classroom with me but I still had to do what they wanted.

Being able to take them to and from school

I take them to school everyday and I pick them up from after school club (a much more pleasant experience than from the school gates I have to say)

Being able to pop to the school in under 10 minutes to drop something off that they may have forgotten
I haven't needed to do that in the 7 years mine has been at school but maybe that's because they know to take what they need because even when I'm working from home I wouldn't pander to that.

Being able help out and involve myself with any help the school needs

I'm school governor (which the skills and contacts from career support)

Not needing to worry about childcare during school holidays
I can see why this sounds like the most difficult bit, especially if you have no outside support, but DH and I manage this just fine, we do get some help from family in the summer holidays admittedly.

Honestly can't think of a single thing a SAHP does that me or DH don't manage to do, and no I genuinely don't find life stressful or a balancing act, I work very flexibly (note: that does not include home schooling which is a bitch but hopefully temporary!)