To ask what you think of SAHMs?

[HarryHarryHarry]

For the past 3 years I have been a SAHM. I never imagined that I would be one but I actually quite like it. Eventually I plan to go back to work but it could be that I just work unskilled-type jobs instead of having a proper career. I really don’t know what my options will be when the time comes. I might just stay home and focus on my writing, which is my real passion, or I might go back to university and retrain in something. (We are lucky that we can currently afford to get by on just one parent’s wages). Recently though I have been wondering what my children will think of me when they’re older. Especially my daughter. Am I a bad example to her?

If your mum was a SAHM, did you have any thoughts about that?

@Oly4

My mum was a stay at home mum and I didn’t appreciate it one bit. I think I would have had far more respect for her if she’d had an interesting job she enjoyed. I work and hope I’m setting a good example to both my daughter and son - that women can have a family, be a loving parent and still work. I don’t want my son thinking women are there to do the childrearing and a lot of the drudge jobs like cleaning and clearing up after everyone else

I'm a SAHM. I'm not the only woman my children know. Some work, some do not. They see women doing what they choose and know that they can do the same when they're older.

Their father teaches them that men look after children too by doing every bath and bedtime (when he's home), doing his share of the chores in the house, and in general understanding that they're his children too and thus his responsibility.

I'm not the only person who teaches my children.

My mum was a sahm and loved. She was an older mum. Her and dad made choice together as I was to be their only. It ws lovely. Have fondest memories of being picked up from school. We would sit and watch black and white films. Or play board games or cards.

@XelaM - yes, but that's the dream example. Very different being a sahm when you're just about managing on one salary, or, dare I say, a woman.

I'm sure he got a huge amount of kudos for being a trail blazer, and was not also carrying 100s of years of societal expectations and assumptions on his shoulders.

I'm making assumptions, but my experience of sahds is that they get an awful lot of extra help, and an awful lot of halo polishing from everyone else.

It depends. I know a couple of people who never went back to work, bar a few short stints of part time bar work, after their first child was born. Children all now grown up. I think that is a bad example to set.

wonder how many posters here have a set up where the father is the stay at home parent?

My DH had a SAHD who then wfh. This was the 80s/90s so fairly unusual. The big plus was my DH doesn't really see household tasks as gendered & does all the cooking, sees childcare as a shared burden. Even though he works & earns more my career isn't less important & he wouldn't take a job with less flexibility.

Wonderup that's a really interesting point. It's not just about setting examples /expectations for young women. It has to be about setting expectations for young men too.

I think stay at home mums are usually lucky as it means that their family doesn't need a second income. I also appreciate that it's a tough job and usually tougher than going to work but equally it must be lovely to always be there for your child/children. Having said that often single SAHM don't have a choice. Like my mum after divorcing she couldn't afford the childcare they used to have to both work and so she had no choice but to be a SAHM.

@CounsellorTroi

It depends. I know a couple of people who never went back to work, bar a few short stints of part time bar work, after their first child was born. Children all now grown up. I think that is a bad example to set.

Why is someone being a sahp setting a bad example? I'm not less of a person because im a sahm. I choose to see the positives of my situation just like im sure those who work see the positives of theirs. Maybe we do it to justify our personal choices but at the end of the day we are all parents trying to do our best for our children. I will be teaching my children not to judge others based on their employment status. I admire those parents who have children and also work because its a bloody hard job at the best of times but it does not make them better than me or vice versa.

My mum was a SAHM and then worked P/T in the 80s. It wasn't unusual then as divorce was not as common as it is now. A couple of my firends are now and enjoy it it.

I don't have any opinion, other then do a thorough risk assessment before becoming one. I think it leaves women in a precarious position should their relationship (including marriage) break down but everyone's circumstances are different. I don't think being a SAHM makes people any more at risk of being a bore than anyone else. Plenty of people drone on about their jobs!

@Margotshypotheticaldog yes I agree & actually I didn't really think much about it until we become parents & I compared us to other couples in our friendship group & noticed what other people say/do. When I see what some people are expected to do on here I am gobsmacked.

@Aquagirl19 👏

I'd love to think that there will be more sahds in future, but the ones I have had direct experience of so far have been problematic.

Of the four couples I know where the dad was a stay at home parent:

• two of the marriages ended in divorce
• one of dads lasted 18 mths but was unhappy and went back to work and the family employed a nanny.

- and the only one where the arrangement has survived, the dad had RA badly and he can't work, and the wife does the lion's share of everything out of necessity.

All of these were in the legal profession though which is famously hard on family life so my view of it could be skewed for that reason.

It is a real privilege to be able to be with your children when they are small, I think. I think SAHM in this respect are lucky to be able to enjoy being with their children and managing those years full of colds and minor illness without the stress of work.

However, those are difficult years for many marriages and long term, being out of work has massive implications should the marriage breakdown. As we tend to be in our 30s and later when we have children now, there is a danger for many women that they slip from carer of children to carer of parents. Consequently they wake up 20 years later with no pension, no work experience to fall back on and a cliched husband who has run off with the secretary. Age 50 onwards in minimum waged work following a marriage breakdown in particularly difficult and whilst my ex left at 40, I have seen a number of friends in recent years struggle as we’ve entered our 50s.

If you are a SAHM you really need to cover the ‘what if...’ bases. There is much that can be done to mitigate risk financially including paying into private pensions, part time work, own bank accounts with savings etc etc.

I'd love to think that there will be more sahds in future, but the ones I have had direct experience of so far have been problematic.

We know one, his wife is a lecturer. It seems to work well for them, they are very hippy eco friendly people and they don't place any value on the whole 4 bed, 2 nice cars lifestyle and seem to be very happy with their lot.

I grew up in the 60s/70s. My mother had me in her late 30s. She was pretty unusual for a woman born into a poor background in the 20s in that she went to university. She became a teacher. Had a break when she had children but went back part time and was full time by the time I started secondary school. I wouldn’t describe her as a feminist, there were certain jobs she thought weren’t right for a woman - but she did believe women should be educated and independent. She’d have been horrified had I become a SAHM.

@theantsgomarchin

I am a SAHM but have worked a long career in the past. What I find confusing is the sheer amount of posters who claim they feel like SAHM "lose" themselves when they become one. That their own mothers were bored and resentful because they had nothing else going on. But out of all my friends who work, there are very very few who are a) defined by their job and b) socialise in any way as part of their job. Essentially we are exactly the same, except they get up get dressed and go into an office (for example), whereas I get up, get dressed, and look after the children all day (pre school aged). Come 5/6pm we are all exactly the same.

I do find it insulting when people suggest that because I don't have a separate job to go to, that I am somehow lesser than those that do, or don't have anything else to offer. But why do I have less to offer than my friend next to me who has a job, but loathes it and is miserable?? Many many women arent defined by their jobs. But they're not judged in the same way SAHM are.

Conversely many women and men for that matter have studied/ trained and have fulfilling enjoyable careers and dont want to give them up.

Not sure why thats difficult to understand ?

The question I would ask is where are the men/ partners when children are discussed?
I had a fulfilling career and time with my DC as my DH took responsibility as well.
He asked and got a flexible contract which meant a parent was always at home.
I think my DC benefitted from us both looking after them.
We had the best of both worlds.

The " jealous and bitter" thing is always trotted out but like many I would be horrified to lose my career and be stuck at home.
Its always deemed a choice but lets face it often whether you SAH/ WOH is down to individual circumstances not individual choices.
Many WOHP have the flexibility/ circumstances that others have to have a Sahp to achieve 🤷‍♀️

When I was 14 my mum announced that she couldn't afford to buy me makeup, records, clothes etc and I'd need to get a Saturday job if I wanted that stuff. I got a job aged 14 and the freedom of making my own spending choices with my own money was utterly exhilarating.

I've never not worked since. I have no moral opinion either way on which parent does what or who earns what but for me, I could never do without my own income and bank account. It's fundamental to my sense of self.

So it would never be an option for me to stop working (health permitting etc) as I'd be miserable. I'm lucky though because I have a job I really enjoy.

The relationships board is chocka with women in unsatisfactory domestic situations who feel trapped because they don't have enough money or resources of their own. I understand that many people view marriage as two people becoming one unit with everything shared but I just couldn't put myself in that situation, no matter how much I loved someone.

I think SAHM are no different to WFHM as we are all just doing what is best for our families.

My mum was a SAHM I don't think any less of her for doing that. She was and still is a great example to me. Being a SAHM is such a small part of who she was/is that I don't even really think about it. It certainly didn't stop me having career aspirations- mainly as she and my dad have always told me I can do and be anything I want.

Being home for them' prior to the pandemic would include things like being available to look after them should they fall ill and need to stay off school
So a handful numbers of days a year?

Being able to take them to and from school
Which you can still do working, one or the other and even if they are in clubs, you still take them to the clubs, so not that different.

Being able to pop to the school in under 10 minutes to drop something off that they may have forgotten
My kids learned quickly to take responsibility. I found it do sad to see how many kids starting secondary school regularly forgetting things because ultimately, they were just used to mum bringing it later.

Being able help out and involve myself with any help the school needs
That doesn't always make the kids happy, at least not in Y5 or Y6. My friends kids hated that their mum worked in the school too and were involved in things.

Not needing to worry about childcare during school holidays
That certain is true!

I 5hink we are also lumping it all together yet there's a big difference to a sahm of preschool children compared to secondary kids.

@lborgia

I actually think the reason I'm bad at being a SAHM/ hate it do much is because I'm unimaginative. I like being part of a big industry/ company/ having a job that has no emotional component. It can be challenging, or boring, or frustrating, or elating, but it won't be the hamster wheel I feel home life to be.

I can't think past the basics elements, or get joy from any of the things that make being at home interesting. I also can't get past the point that I'm supposed to clean up for 4 people because I am the one who happens to be at home.

I didn't ask to be at home, and doing the domestic stuff is just so no one else has to.

I agree with this. I was a sahm for a number of years and found it mostly soul destroying. I also felt that I SHOULD actually be doing it, and I didn't have any outside support anyway so had to do it. I have no idea what dd thinks but it meant that I was ALWAYS there for her and her friends.

I also felt almost ashamed of my status ( or lack of it). I felt very judged, mainly by other women. Those other women mainly had support, so were able to maintain careers. One woman's mother would catch a bus at 6am, travel a 30 mile journey, take the kids to school, pick them up and then do the same journey in reverse (not every day, but pretty much).

I have no doubt that the mother of those children looked on me for being "dull and unimaginitive".

In fact, I am a highly-educated person who gave up a well-paid professional career to become a SAHM. I could afford to be a SAHM because I was financially secure through my own efforts. I'm not married and was not financially dependent on my partner and by then owned a house outright.

I'm back at work now, in a badly-paid charity job. I volunteered for two years before I got this job.

I'm not sure if I have regrets or not.

I did achieve something though, through a hobby, which I was able to turn into a money-making opportunity. I wouldn't have been able to do that had I not been a SAHM. I'm glad of that, at least.

I was a SAHM until my DC were 6 and 4. My ex husband's previous job was unpredictable and a lot of shift work so it made sense, and I really did enjoy being a SAHM, although it's not easy.

I had to go back to work when we separated and especially in the circumstances (leaving abusive relationship and a lot of stress) it was absolutely fantastic for me. A great distraction and the opportunity to make friends, gain a social life and feel like I had something of my own. I just felt more complete, still a mum but more like my old self again too. I started a new job six months ago and increased my hours to full time but in the future I will always be able to work at home for some of the week (although am desperate to be in the office). This will give me lots of flexibility with my DC. I don't feel I miss out with them being at work, I guess I was lucky that they were nursery and school age anyway when I went back to work.

I don't judge SAHMs at all, I was one for a long time. I do however think it's a precarious situation to be in for financial security and independence. When I had my children I could never have imagined my life would implode the way that it did, and I was very fortunate to find good jobs so quickly. I'm getting back on my feet financially and it was still a relatively short time in my life that I wasn't working. But honestly my head says that it's not a great decision financially. Just looking at the percentage of marriages that end in divorce shows why!

As long as you gave a husband that can pay the mortgage and support a good quality if life for the family then I think being a stay at home mum is great. I would oy look down on the choice of you needed state support to pay for your choice to not work.

We are very lucky because we work shifts (both full time) and that means that one of us is always at home, so this clearly makes a difference. However I really don’t know what SAHM do all day. We still have the same things to get done (ok the bathrooms don’t get cleaned as often as I would like) and in the main they do so what do SAHP do the rest of the time?

My main worry would be not interacting with other adults who have no other interests than their children. My mum always stayed at home. She now has no friends, no pension and no hobbies other than her grandchildren. I think that’s quite sad.

YouJustDoYou

"So only your career defines you then? How deeply, deeply sad."

I get what you mean: not everyone is suited to a traditional career and certainly people shouldn't be defined by their profession. People who judge others' value purely by what they do for a living are arseholes: and that stands for men and women.

But I have observed that women who are bright and self-motivated and have nothing in their life aside from their children and family do become quite insular, quite frustrated and often quite regretful.

I have dear old friend who due to personal circumstances hasn't returned to work after a very high flying career. She's very clever and has a lot of energy, very type A personality. For now she's a very very effective and loving mother but she pours all of the energy which previously went into her career into being a bit of a helicopter mum. She obsesses over parenting (things like school choices/food choices/extra-curricular activities) in a way which I think is borderline neurotic and sometimes makes her sound a bit nuts (think spreadsheets to list the perimeters of school catchment areas and music teachers and reading through clinical trials about different approaches to nutrition). Its kind of exhausting tbh.

At one level there's an impressive amount of energy going into parenting and I'm sure in some ways her kids have benefited from this. And they are still young primary age so need quite a lot of care.

But I can't help thinking this slightly neurotic energy will be better directed externally as her kids get older. What's supportive when your kids are five and seven is probably less helpful when they are 13 and 15. Partly because she risks making her kids feeling helicoptered and controlled and also because if she doesn't focus on something external as they get older she risks feeling very redundant.

In part it depends on personality. I think some women are better adapted to being a SAHM than others and some will feel genuinely fulfilled by their children and family. But when women who are ambitious and driven lose an external focus for that drive after having children its not always that positive IMHO.

My mum fell very much into the category of feeling underutilised and I saw how it chipped away at her self-esteem. I don't think that's necessarily the way all SAHMs feel but I do think its a risk.