To ask what you think of SAHMs?

[HarryHarryHarry]

For the past 3 years I have been a SAHM. I never imagined that I would be one but I actually quite like it. Eventually I plan to go back to work but it could be that I just work unskilled-type jobs instead of having a proper career. I really don’t know what my options will be when the time comes. I might just stay home and focus on my writing, which is my real passion, or I might go back to university and retrain in something. (We are lucky that we can currently afford to get by on just one parent’s wages). Recently though I have been wondering what my children will think of me when they’re older. Especially my daughter. Am I a bad example to her?

If your mum was a SAHM, did you have any thoughts about that?

I have a mixed view, I suppose, that’s coloured by the relatively few SAHMs I know.

I think it’s sad when their refusal to work (seemingly because menial jobs are “beneath” them yet they are not qualified for anything else after years out of work) means they are stuck in a marriage that’s dead in the water. I think it’s a bit of a waste of an excellent education (although so are many people’s career choices, it’s true!). I think it’s likely that one will be taken for granted by the spouse and children, which is grossly unfair but not unexpected. And I think it’s unfortunate when women haven’t managed to achieve their dreams due to enabling everyone else in their family instead (could also be true of someone WOH, though). I’m certainly not that selfless!

Having said that, it must be wonderful to be an emotional and physical support for your family, in a way that takes more time than someone who works OOTH can give. However, my mother worked all my life and we are close and I admire her very much, and never felt lacking.

Total truth be told, 100% honestly... I think it’s a bit of a cop-out (assuming that one isn’t caring for dependents with higher needs, or has health problems that prevent work) and not a choice I can imagine making for myself. But, each to their own!

@lborgia
'I can't think past the basics elements, or get joy from any of the things that make being at home interesting.'

Why did you have children if you don't find it at all satisfying or interesting to spend time with them ?

@Margotshypotheticaldog - bingo.

I have a lot of respect for SAHMs. And I applaud you if you can afford it and absolutely works for your family. It would really make family life for me much easier. It's very stressful have two full time parents albeit working from home. However the fear of having to possibly fund two children at University at the same time, the deposits needed for our children to fund their first homes, we are literally talking huge thousands of £ in the South plus a decent enough pension. Honestly if you do the maths, it's pretty horrific if you haven't been saving since your twenties.

Pension poverty is serious issue.

I think giving up 10 /15/20 years of loss earning you could potentially be kicking the debt ball further down the line when you're least able to physically and mentally work.

So for that reason alone, I choose to work and ensure I have financial security for life.

@Goostacean I don't think it's a cop out. It's putting your family's needs above your own and I respect it so much. I'm not a SAHM by the way.

I'm a sahm now. My mum was a widow and worked full time growing up (was a teacher though so I saw her lots during my holidays). I'd never planned on being a sahm mum myself, but I love it. I want to do something eventually, but I have lots of creative interests, so hoping to pursue those if I can, or would love to study more.

I'm sure there will be plenty of people who come on here to say what terrible decisions we've made etc etc, but I feel very lucky to have this time with my kids, and especially with the last year we've had, I've been able to home school them without having to juggle other work etc, and they're both doing really well.

I think there is such a nasty belief out there, which comes out on threads like this, that if you're a sahm you're just some boring non-person, who only has her children and housework as interests, and your poor husband is going to find you so boring he's going to have an affair and leave you. I find it exasperating. And ridiculous, as I know when I was working full time, i worked long hours which took me away from the family, and ate into time at weekends etc. Now we get to spend decent time together, and really enjoy it. I find it frustrating that so many people seem to asses another's worth based on the paid employment they do. I feel very lucky to be in the situation we're in currently (we're not rolling it in financially, we made the decision to live on one wage and cut our cloth accordingly). But the family time we have together, and getting to spend so much time with the kids is so worth it to me

To be honest I really admire SAHMs to pre-schoolers. It’s relentless. I was grateful to have a good job to return to after mat leaves being able to speak to adults, have a coffee, get a bit dressed up etc. They deserve a medal.

I agree with PP that some people have outdated views of what it’s like to be a WOHM (excluding Covid related WFH) for people in white collar roles. I work 35 hrs a week. I’ve never missed a sports day. Either DH or I will attend every school event. In the rare event one of the kids is ill, the school will try either one of our mobiles and we’ll just pack up the laptop and go to the school. Our organisations would never say we can’t collect sick kids. We have carers leave for more long term illness but have thankfully never required it. The kids go to out of school activities. The clothes still get washed, the house isn’t showroom clean but is clean and my kids eat as well as the kids of my SAHM friends who don’t cook from scratch every day.

I changed career after first mat leave after studying whilst on mat leave. Initially we were paying more on childcare than I earned which stung especially when I was junior and sometimes disrespected by more senior colleagues and still has to juggle everything (we were knackered) but we knew it would work out long term. I’m now in a management position with flexibility, lots of perks too. The kids have a nice life and lots of opportunities and we know we can help them out when they get older.

@thepeopleversuswork

I'm going to be brutally honest and I may get my arse handed to me for this: I lost a degree of respect for my mum because after she had us she didn't really ever have anything much in her life other than her marriage and children.

I don't judge her exactly for it: it was the 70s, it was much harder to go back to work after children than it is now and she had her reasons. And she was very a very loving mother.

But after a certain point it was very clear that she resented the fact that there was nothing else in her life other than being a wife and mother but she didn't ever do anything about it except think wistfully back to her previous career. She was obviously unfulfilled and to some degree unhappy.

There are plenty of valid reasons for a woman to stop working when looking after small children and a lot of people don't have a choice. But I do think that to essentially give up everything other than motherhood and children does limit and reduce women in some ways. Not everyone is cut out for a career path and not everyone can work full time. But I think you need to something else in your life aside from your family to be properly fulfilled.

You are also very vulnerable if you are wholly dependent on someone else's income. It's a gamble and I would have reservations about setting the example to my daughter that I have none of my own income.

I agree. A woman should go back to work and show her children that it's important to be financially independent.

Forgot to add that I took a years leave then had nanny share for 2 years until the kids were 3 and went to nursery.

I realise you were trying to be rude, but I'll answer to the best of my abilities.

It's not about the children.

I love my children, love talking to them, being with them, watching them grow, change etc. etc.... but for some reason when you sign up for children, apparently this also comes with a huge side order of domestic drudgery. I do not have a natural affinity to child care so, whilst I was happy to do what they needed, I did not get unmitigated joy from being solely responsible for them 16 hours a day.

I don't think children are only allowed if you enjoy all the facets of teaching, or early childhood development.

I loved baking a cake with my kids, but loathed being the person who had to keep on top of the laundry.

I wanted to be the one who looked after my children when they were sick, or sad, or celebrate with them, but I do not enjoy being responsible for food, cooking, keeping everyone alive, and the wheels turning on the family juggernaut.

Now that I have to be home because of their special needs, I in no way object to that part, but I do mourn the loss of any other accomplishments, and being known for anything other than being "Mum" to school, doctors, etc.

I still hate the automatic lot of the sahm that we're responsible for all things domestic.

Looking after/ loving your children, and being domesticated do not always go hand in hand.

Im a SAHM/housewife...whatever

Its been years now and to be honest that part of it was a bit of an accident, things just kept happening and the goalposts for any return to work kept getting shifted

I do advise dd and her friends and younger women i know to continue to work or have a game plan for returning

Ive enjoyed my life and regrets are pointless, but i could have done more tangible things...

Will be looking for a part time office job towards the end of this year...but i am fit for nothing 😄

My mum was a SAHM for 10 years.

I have total respect for her and other SAHMs as its bloody hard!

The only thing that's ever pissed me off with SAHMs is during lockdowns and homeschooling when the odd one i know has been complaining over social media about how hard it all is.

Here I am, working a 40 hour week from home, trying to manage my team, sort annual budgets, homeschool and do all the other daily tasks we all have.

That bugs me a bit. But its not SAHMs overall, its more those select few trying to garner sympathy

@weaselish

SAHM for very small kids - ok.SAHM for older kids - a bit lazy? Being honest tbf but for secondary kids, what do to DO all day?

I asked in the past and was told that was a rude question. And wasn't given an answer. Hmmmm...

Everyone can complain about whatever they like. The pandemic has been hard for everyone. Why is it a competition for who's life is harder ? Also not everyone has the same resilience or abilities as you to manage like you can. For some people even basic things are really hard.

My mum was but it was not unusual in the 1960s and 70s when I was growing up. Most women do not have the choice because of economic circumstances nowadays.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

'Being home for them' prior to the pandemic would include things like being available to look after them should they fall ill and need to stay off school. Being able to take them to and from school. Being able to pop to the school in under 10 minutes to drop something off that they may have forgotten. Being able help out and involve myself with any help the school needs. Not needing to worry about childcare during school holidays.

My mum worked FT I have no experience of a sahm and I work FT
I think it’s important for our daughters to see women work And in workplace

My best friend was a sahm with no career aspirations. It wasn’t for me but worked for her and her high earning dh who often needed her at the drop of a hat. They divorced this year and she’s spent all that time trying to get a job / training etc. I really feel for her but it does prove what I’ve read on here about not leaving yourself vulnerable. I’ve always been career driven but I don’t judge others do aren’t - we’re all different.

My mum was one when we were little and I too loved it. She had a very full life though and we weren't her sole focus. She went back part time eventually and then full time when we were at secondary but negotiated her hours so she could finish in time to pick us up from school and be there in the evenings as she thought it was important.

Being a SAHM doesn't always leave you vulnerable. People always say that on here and in many cases it's true, but if you've planned it properly it doesn't have to be the case. I was a SAHM for five years and I haven't been disadvantaged at all, quite the opposite really. I found the first couple of years VERY hard and contemplated going back to work many times but I'm glad I stuck with it. It's paid off massively with my DC and also I completed a masters part time which wouldn't have happened otherwise. If you aspire to be a writer then being a SAHM is ideal. Just plan for eventualities.

Also, I know it’s not all SAHMs who say this, but when some talk about it being a full time job because they manage budgets and household admin that really gets my goat. Literally everyone does this. How much time does it really take to set up a direct debit or transfer money into a savings account?

@Glenorma

When I was little I liked having my mum available to pick me up from school and look after me. It only became a disadvantage when I was older and didn’t need or want that level of care any more, but she still had nothing else in her life other than being a mum. It made it very difficult for me to grow up and live my own life because I felt like I was just ditching her and she was left with nothing. If she’d had a job and hobbies I’d have felt a lot better about leaving her to it and living my own life.

Have a few friends that feel the same. They all moved some distance as the interference in their adult life and the dependency on them became too much.

For me, I can’t imagine telling my children to work hard at school and supporting their education so that they aim for the stars in something that makes them happy if I wasn’t working and didn’t plan too. Children tend to copy their role models in the main and I wouldn’t want mine to think not working was ok and that others will pay their way in life for them.

Iv seen too many women become vulnerable/lonely /depressed /begrudge their partners working because they decided /were made to become SAHM. I work from 5am to 1pm so I still get to see my kids, have my own money etc.
But if it works for you do it.

If I'm honest , not that I would ever say this in RL, I always assume they are a bit dumb and unimaginative, especially if the children are older

If I'm honest, whenever I read comments like this, I always assume that the poster must be incredibly ignorant to make judgements about groups of individuals based on one thing they have in common.
Either that or they are so unimaginative they can't have a conversation about subjects unrelated to their paid work.

So there really are 2 types of freedom,
The freedom to, and the freedom from 😕

@Margotshypotheticaldog

I wonder how many posters here have a set up where the father is the stay at home parent? Or know anyone in their circle of acquaintance where the father stays at home? I don't know any. Zero. Maybe that's just where I live.
But I can't help wondering, if it's all that desirable, why aren't more men doing it?

Actually I do. One of the female partners at my previous law firm had a stay at home husband. She was by far the higher earner when they met, so it made sense. Everyone envied him