AIBU to be upset I got nothing from work? (Miscarriage)

[LowestEbb]

I worked with this team for a year. We regularly gave leaving cards/sympathy cards etc.

I applied for another role and was due to start there on the Monday. Last day with old team was on the Friday, so just 2 days before my MC.

On the Sunday I went to A and E with bleeding and it was discovered my baby had no heartbeat, measuring 10 weeks but thought I was 12. Devastated isn't the word.

They knew I was pregnant (public service so changes what role you do, plus I had severe sickness)

I'm still in the work whatsapp chat and someone has just message thanking them all for their card as her nan died, another has replied 'Hope you're okay'

I got nothing, either for leaving or for my miscarriage, 4 weeks later.

I thought I was well thought of and they were my friends.

I wondered if it was because I'd left the team, but it was only a day after and I've had flowers and cards from numerous teams I've been on before, one I left 2 years ago.

I really don't know if I'm BU or just over sensitive.

Just a card would have meant a lot in the darkest moments.

AIBU????

I’m sorry for your loss and you are obviously upset. I don’t see why you think your work mates would have known. You told your boss. Your boss can’t inform them of your personal medical situation- that would put your boss in serious trouble. Have you misunderstood something?

@babysnowman

So many insensitive posts on here. A person grieving a miscarriage doesn't need to be told that it's really common or that it's not the same as someone dying.

@LowestEbb I have struggled with feeling like my miscarriages have been swept under the carpet so can understand that you would like it to have been acknowledged in some way. However, as a pp said, I just don't think it is the common practice to send a card after a miscarriage so please don't take it personally or think that they mean to be insensitive.

I'm sorry for your loss , wishing you all the best xx

You lost your potential baby and I get that’s devastating given that you’ve said you were upset on here. But why should anyone else know what that means to you? Early miscarriages are very common. How do they know you weren’t ambivalent or thinking pregnancy a mistake. Why would your colleagues assume something so personal given it’s just a year.

Sounds pretty grabby to me

I've had 6 miscarriages and I've never received any flowers or sympathy cards. I'd have been quite surprised if I had.
In my experience people are split into 3 groups, the first group, thankfully rare, think that miscarriages are 'nature's way' and are largely unaffected. The second group, and this includes me, are sad and view it as a bereavement, but one that will eventually fade. To the third group, a miscarriage is a devastating loss, and will result in lifelong grief for loss of a child.
It's impossible to know which of these groups any person will be until it either happens to them or to someone they know.
Either way, very few of us know how to approach people who are grieving, and what the right words and actions are. So they, and me, often say or do nothing.
I am sorry for what you are going through, and I am also sorry that other people don't know what to say or how to act.

It's a really hard one. People deal with a MC in so many different ways. Some talk about it, some want to grieve and acknowledge and some don't.
I don't think work colleagues would think so send anything over a Mc because it's so deeply personal. When a person dies, it's the done thing to send sympathy cards.
A miscarriage seems very different, a very tragic loss but not one it's appropriate to send a card over. I wouldn't ever think to send something.
I've had 2, and didn't tell anyone for years. I didn't want the fuss of messages. However I know lots of women who've had one too. I would always text, call and check in and see how they are doing, but I don't think a card is common or "socially acceptable ".
I'm so sorry for your loss. I absolutely don't think it's anything they have against you, more they don't know what to do or say. Sending love x

@Pugdoglife

They were wrong not to get you a leaving gift/card.

I think with the miscarriage it's more to do with society's attitude to miscarriage being "just one of those things" people don't acknowledge how devastating they are and people shy away from talking about them. I'm sorry for your loss and hurt.

I don't think it's because we think it's just one of those things. I think it's because it's considered a very private thing that people may not want to talk about. There have been others on the thread saying they wouldn't have wanted their miscarriage acknowledged.

@miserableannie

Sounds pretty grabby to me

Your username is most apt.

I'd just started as leader in a new place of work when one of my team had a miscarriage - I personally sent flowers. Sorry you were treated poorly

I had a miscarriage last year and received flowers off close friends. I don’t think I’d expect anything to acknowledge the miscarriage off work colleagues as many people don’t know what to say or understand that for you, life has changed and you’re anticipating your future with a new baby. Miscarriages are relatively common, 1 in 3 I believe, but are still widely not talked about so I don’t think you can be upset they didn’t send you miscarriage flowers.

I'm so sorry for your loss I hope you're taking care of yourself OP

I've had 2 CPs, an early miscarriage and a miscarriage at 16wks. It's sad but one of those things (for me) certainly not remotely comparable to someone losing a family member.

I think most of my friends have had a loss actually, we've met up, friend has cried, shared a bottle of wine then been there for their successes luckily.
I find it really odd to expect cards and presents off colleagues for something like that, I would find that really inappropriate.

We did have a colleague who horrifically suffered a stillbirth and of course we sent flowers and a card for that.

It's not remotely 'grabby'. The OP hoped for a card, not a diamond ring!

I received flowers from my team when I suffered an MC when my own family were shitty to me about it. YANBU.

My work doesn’t normally do leaving cards for internal moves; we might all go out to lunch, but obviously wouldn’t expect to do that in current times. Many people probably feel the same.

Pregnancy loss is terrible for the parents, but there are as many ways of dealing with it as there are women. For many it’s intensely private; many women tell nobody before the 12 week scan, so nobody would even know they had been pregnant. Your colleagues may not have known how to react. A lot of people around you find it very hard to talk about, for a whole host of reasons, many of which are for fear of saying the wrong thing.

I have lost seven early pregnancies and didn’t tell colleagues except for one time when I made it to ten weeks, because I needed a risk assessment for a work activity. I would not have expected to get flowers or cards from the people who knew. I’d certainly have been uncomfortable if they’d felt they had to do it every time! So many early pregnancies end in loss that I don’t think it’s realistic to expect colleagues to feel it’s as significant as it undoubtedly is for the mother.

I’m very sorry for your loss. The world must feel like a very unfair place right now. But I’m not sure I would judge your colleagues too harshly.

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Right let’s be clear It is a death, it’s a bereavement,a baby that was wanted who unfortunately didn’t make it Because people find it hard to discuss doesn’t mean it should be ignored,Unacknowledged It’s okay to say there are no adequate words and offer an acknowledgment

Well, I experienced two pre-12 week miscarriages.

I now realise 😉 I am totally at odds with many on MN, in that, though sad, my perception was that I'd lost a foetus, more or less a bunch of non-viable cells. I didn't feel I'd lost 'a baby'. Something went wrong.

I could say 'Let's be clear, many women regard early pregnancy, with its attendant risks- as private, usually something between you and your husband; not something Kevin from Accounts needs to ponder'. And, in reality, Kevin really won't care about a happy birth!

Early loss is really common. It doesn't make the loss any easier for a women who regards that loss as the death of a baby; I get that, but please don't assume all women feel the same.

And, personally, I'd've felt embarrassed if I thought that 'Kevin' might imagine me bleeding out a 'baby'. Nope.

No 'leaving' acknowledgment is a bit sad, but in my NHS team, right now, people in their 60s with 30 years' service are barely being acknowledged.

But a miscarriage acknowledgment? - it isn't what our culture does.

Let’s be clear I’m rising to your asinine post
Try harder

Lol Let’s be clear not I’m rising to your asinine post
Try harder
You’re too desperate for a bit of argy bargy

I'm sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is a taboo subject as it is very personal to the individual.
When I had a mc sounds awful but it didn't really affect me as I had a DC
It might have bothered me getting a condolence card

We sent a card and flowers when a colleague had a miscarriage. It seemed wrong to do nothing.

I can’t believe people think you are being unreasonable. If I found out someone I work with had a miscarriage, at the very least I would send a heartfelt message. I wouldn’t just ignore it

@Miljea that's your view point and you're entitled to it but as someone who had a MMC at 14 weeks, had a traumatic miscarriage on Monday night in which I held my very tiny but formed 9 week baby it's not a collection of cells to me nor is my baby's cremation.

You have dealt with your losses your way but don't think that others aren't pure and utter gut wrenching grief.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

We have always sent flowers for deaths, births and other milestones in between. I lost 3 grandparents within 18 months of each other. I got nothing.

In my case I put it down to me being the one that normally does the sending so they just didn't think. But it was still upsetting and it still hurts a bit with each bunch I now send.

Sometimes people are unable to think outside their own lives for many reasons, some valid some not so much. They may have thought of it after the fact but it was too late by then..

Aside from there probably being fewer work cards ATM anyway, for things that there normally would be, I don't ever recall being asked to sign a work "condolences on your miscarriage card".

I imagine that the team felt a bit awkward about a 'goodbye and good luck" card on you moving to your new role under the circumstances.

I have probably worked alongside women that have had miscarriages that haven't been public knowledge and I had no idea, one or two where it was sort of known, but not really public - and those where it has been known, or I have been aware, its generally left to people to express their condolences privately.

My sympathy , it must be hard, and particularly unfortunate timing just as you move into your new role.

@Scottishskifun
So sorry to hear of the loss of your little babies 💜
This is where the miscarriage and abortion tribes clash worlds. One woman’s cluster of cells is another woman’s precious, beloved child.
It wouldn’t be the worst thing if each side could acknowledge the feelings of the other.

@CoRhona I don’t know a single person that wouldn’t feel as sympathetic for someone who had had a miscarriage as someone who’s family member had died.

This lady was carrying her child.

Of course people look at it the same way. Most people would give their best wishes and condolences to someone in OP’s position.

I’m sorry that this had happened to you OP, and I’m sorry the first comment on your thread was awful. I can understand being upset over your co-workers but I’d try not to read too much into it. Focus on yourself and your family for now you all have grieving to do and I wish you all the best