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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset I got nothing from work? (Miscarriage)

300 replies

LowestEbb · 08/01/2021 18:53

I worked with this team for a year. We regularly gave leaving cards/sympathy cards etc.

I applied for another role and was due to start there on the Monday. Last day with old team was on the Friday, so just 2 days before my MC.

On the Sunday I went to A and E with bleeding and it was discovered my baby had no heartbeat, measuring 10 weeks but thought I was 12. Devastated isn't the word.

They knew I was pregnant (public service so changes what role you do, plus I had severe sickness)

I'm still in the work whatsapp chat and someone has just message thanking them all for their card as her nan died, another has replied 'Hope you're okay'

I got nothing, either for leaving or for my miscarriage, 4 weeks later.

I thought I was well thought of and they were my friends.

I wondered if it was because I'd left the team, but it was only a day after and I've had flowers and cards from numerous teams I've been on before, one I left 2 years ago.

I really don't know if I'm BU or just over sensitive.

Just a card would have meant a lot in the darkest moments.

AIBU????

OP posts:
pelosi · 08/01/2021 23:27

His work mate sent me personally a nice candle, I've met her once.

I don't think I would want anyone to send me a candle after a miscarriage. OP, you say you can't move for the flowers in your house, so you are getting lots of support and acknowledgement elsewhere, I would focus on that.

Miljea · 08/01/2021 23:29

[quote Scottishskifun]@Miljea that's your view point and you're entitled to it but as someone who had a MMC at 14 weeks, had a traumatic miscarriage on Monday night in which I held my very tiny but formed 9 week baby it's not a collection of cells to me nor is my baby's cremation.

You have dealt with your losses your way but don't think that others aren't pure and utter gut wrenching grief.[/quote]

The point of this post is whether you would have felt sad and angry that your workplace hadn't acknowledged your miscarriage.

I, and I suspect quite a few others- would regard it as being a private matter; not one to be pondered upon by 'Kevin in Accounts'.

Obviously, and obviously sadly, your pregnancy loss was a huge blow to you; I'm genuinely sorry. But I was responding to the 'OK, let's make this clear....' remark, as if her experience and perception was the only one.

It isn't.

Scottishskifun · 08/01/2021 23:37

@Miljea the OP is grieving (as am I) they are on a team WhatsApp so hardly just Kevin in accounts as you put it.

Yes it's personal but not acknowledging someone's grief is shitty too.

jamesfailedmarshmallows · 08/01/2021 23:46

Sorry for your loss OP, but when I had 2 (early) mc's it wouldn't have occurred to me that people should acknowledge it with a card or flowers, especially not my work colleagues. Someone (who had had a MC) actually sent me a sympathy card, which at the time felt really weird to be honest.

Would totally have expected them to acknowledge you leaving though.

sortmylifeoutplease · 08/01/2021 23:46

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

I received something from a client I was working with, but not from the company I'd actually been working for, so yes and no. It is a bereavement, a true, valid and real loss, but people often don't know how to respond. Miscarriage should be treated the same way as any other loss. To do otherwise feels likes people are minimising the loss, although I doubt this is intentional and more that people don't know what to say.

Viviennemary · 08/01/2021 23:46

I would expect individuals to say they were sorry if they knew about it. But I didn't think group cards were usual when somebody has a miscarriage.

Baileys123 · 08/01/2021 23:53

I had so many flowers and cards when I had a loss and I didn't want any of them Sad I thanked everyone but the reminder of why I had them was very difficult to live with every day @LowestEbbtill haven't opened the cards. I'm so sorry for you're loss but you can still honour your angel yourself😇 %%%%

PurpleMustang · 08/01/2021 23:56

The main reason for waiting for the 12 scan to check all is well before telling people is because 1 in 4 don't make it to 12 weeks. If you told work prior to this that was your choice but in fairness a lot of people don't want to know before the 12 just in case as it is so common. Not to sound rude but if every one that was a miscarriage was acknowledged with cards and flowers in a busy office that would be often. Its fine if you told close family and expect support from them but other than maybe a thinking of you card I think more would be too much.

PurpleMustang · 08/01/2021 23:57

And don't post in AIBU and then not be happy when people disagree. You need a softer group otherwise

Happygogoat · 08/01/2021 23:59

Have you sent miscarriage cards to colleagues in the past, OP?

Nothing for leaving is unreasonable but sadly with the stigma around everything they maybe thought best to say and do nothing. I don't think malice was intended.

Sorry for your loss. X

TrixieTrouble · 08/01/2021 23:59

They could have arranged to send you flowers. I know this was the done thing at work over 30 years ago, a woman received flowers after a miscarriage. YANBU. Flowers

Scottishskifun · 09/01/2021 00:00

@Youseethethingis thank you. Yes I have nothing against abortion and believe in a woman's body a woman's choice.
I said up the thread that it's words of support which mean more and I don't want all my colleagues to know but some of my colleagues do know and have offered support.

My biggest issue is that pregnancy loss is a taboo subject that its somehow wrong that some experience grief with it and that it should not be acknowledged or spoken about even if in the case of the OP they are experiencing grief around it.

TrixieTrouble · 09/01/2021 00:12

Also, sorry for your loss OP Flowers

Emeraldshamrock · 09/01/2021 00:12

I personally wouldn't ignore it either how could you if you knew the person was chatty excited to be pregnant.
I wouldn't buy flowers but I'd offer my condolences.
Keep positive OP Flowers

Youseethethingis · 09/01/2021 00:19

I agree that the taboo is the biggest problem. It’s almost as if some people can’t see they have a right to grieve. And others seem to think that anyone who doesn’t fall apart didn’t really care that much anyway.
One of my closest friends wife lost a baby in 2019 and another in 2020. In between which I got pregnant with a and delivered stillborn DS2. So i didn’t want to tell him I was pregnant then he didn’t want to tell me his wife was pregnant had miscarried again then DS2 was born...
I wasn’t suppose to know they were expecting, but I’ve known him a long time and can read him like a book. So I knew.
My Christmas card this year read “to Friend, to Mrs Friend,star, star, from Yousee, Mr Yousee, DS1 and angel DS2”.
I wanted to acknowledge our babies, even though he says that my loss was the greater. He lost two children, I lost one. The experience is different for sure, but the loss is the same.
I wanted to let him know I remembered and acknowledged his babies, without rubbing his wife’s face in it. I hope I did the right thing.
It’s no wonder work colleagues would shy away from the whole thing.

babysnowman · 09/01/2021 00:27

@PurpleMustang You really feel the need to tell a grieving woman that she posted on the wrong board??

Ffs

Scottishskifun · 09/01/2021 00:36

@Youseethethingis ❤️. You did the right thing and sorry for the loss of your son.

Yes and different people cope differently I completely get that. I have always taken the steer of friends with loss and I did the same telling some of my colleagues directly. They can read me and I knew them just receiving emails to say I wouldn't be in they would check in with me that everything was OK anyway as we are friends.

Yes it is a minefield and a difficult one but taboos are broken down by talking about things 🙂

elliejjtiny · 09/01/2021 00:38

I'm so sorry OP Flowers

I've had 2 miscarriages, both really awful times. One of my rainbow "babies" is yakking away to me about David Bowie as I type this post.

I got 15 cards when I had my first miscarriage, 3 when my Dad died and none with my 2nd miscarriage. I wasn't bothered about cards when my Dad died but it was lovely having cards with my first miscarriage and I missed that with my 2nd miscarriage.

RavingAnnie · 09/01/2021 00:47

I'm sorry for your loss and that your miscarriage was not acknowledged. When the same thing happened to me, my HR dept at work arrange a huge bunch of flowers and a nice message, so it's not an unreasonable expectation. It was gratefully appreciated - I was really touched. Sorry others were not so thoughtful

Leagueofgentlemenfan · 09/01/2021 13:49

I'm so sorry. Things like this used to happen to me a lot and it would really get to me. So much so that I don't let people close to me anymore and don't tell anyone anything

DedlyMedally · 09/01/2021 13:55

Colleagues aren't your friends, they're colleagues.
I'd sign my name in a leaving card but something as personal as a miscarriage isn't really in my remit, it's not really something I'd think to get a card or console a colleague for.

rawlikesushi · 09/01/2021 13:56

I have never received or given a card or gift for a mc. I honestly didn't know that it was a thing. It is devastating but sadly also a very common thing. OP, I think you will find that several other women in your workplace will have experienced a mc, although you were never made aware of it.

I'm surprised you didn't get anything for leaving though. Is your team coping with a lot of rapid covid-related changes that might have taken their focus? Are you moving to another dept that means they'll all still see you around?

Bookworming · 09/01/2021 15:51

I too have never given a card for a miscarriage, nor seen this done in the work environment.

I'm sorry for you loss, but I don't think the lack of card was a slight, possibly it was discussed and thought it was not appropriate.

The lack of leaving card was unkind and odd though, did you get on with the team?

Winterwoollies · 09/01/2021 16:56

I think sadly, this being a parenting forum, there is a concentration of women who have experienced miscarriage, multiple losses, very late losses and even still birth. The majority of us who have experienced loss wouldn’t expect or would feel uncomfortable receiving an ‘acknowledgement’ of the loss. I know I would feel extremely awkward receiving something, even a card, unless they were very close friends or family.

People aren’t being ‘horrible’ OP, they’re just speaking from their own personal experiences and viewpoints. No one has said you shouldn’t feel heartbroken or devastated, lots of us have been there, it’s just that most people don’t agree with the physical acknowledgement aspect that you were hoping for.

PlanDeRaccordement · 09/01/2021 17:02

It’s hard to know what to say because I have had a MC myself, but also I have several friends who had announced pregnancy and then went on to have an abortion, but told work it was a MC due to the stigma. So that also complicated how people react to a claimed MC.