AIBU to be upset I got nothing from work? (Miscarriage)

[LowestEbb]

I worked with this team for a year. We regularly gave leaving cards/sympathy cards etc.

I applied for another role and was due to start there on the Monday. Last day with old team was on the Friday, so just 2 days before my MC.

On the Sunday I went to A and E with bleeding and it was discovered my baby had no heartbeat, measuring 10 weeks but thought I was 12. Devastated isn't the word.

They knew I was pregnant (public service so changes what role you do, plus I had severe sickness)

I'm still in the work whatsapp chat and someone has just message thanking them all for their card as her nan died, another has replied 'Hope you're okay'

I got nothing, either for leaving or for my miscarriage, 4 weeks later.

I thought I was well thought of and they were my friends.

I wondered if it was because I'd left the team, but it was only a day after and I've had flowers and cards from numerous teams I've been on before, one I left 2 years ago.

I really don't know if I'm BU or just over sensitive.

Just a card would have meant a lot in the darkest moments.

AIBU????

I would imagine a miscarriage would be much more upsetting than a grandparent passing away in most cases. For context I’m childfree, mostly by choice (we’re not all heartless bitches) and I just had a grandparent die. Work colleagues told me they were sorry for my loss but to honest I haven’t been upset at all and would have been embarrassed to receive a card.

We’ve had colleagues that have had partners die, including one poor woman in her 20’s who’s partner died very tragically in an accident not long after they had bought a house. We did a whole of office collection for her and a number of staff attended his funeral. Very different to a grandparent’s death.

Best wishes and I hope you feel better soon

So sorry for your sad loss OP

Unfortunately as early miscarriage is so common I suppose a lot of people just don’t think to acknowledge it in any ‘formal’ way. I had a missed miscarriage at around the same stage as you some years ago and although my work back then were sympathetic they didn’t send a card or anything - I think they felt a bit awkward and didn’t know how to approach it. That said, I didn’t have any very close friends at that workplace and probably only a few of them knew about it.

The thing is, you mentioned the card your DH received contained the usual ‘platitudes’ - so I wonder if you had received one you’d feel it just contained trite messages which did nothing to actually help? But I can understand it’s the gesture that counts - if some colleagues were good friends I’d expect them to get in contact directly to express condolences. But as others have said, people don’t always know what to say - and perhaps they’re not sure if you know they know about the MC, if that makes sense?!

Anyway, condolences

Are you sure the team know? As a manager I wouldn't dream of telling people their colleague's private medical info.

Sad to say, but miscarriage is so common, and usually so private, that most people would feel they were overdoing it and being intrusive if they produced something ceremonial to mark the occasion.

I definitely think you should have got a leaving card. Close friends should acknowledge your sad loss.

However I don’t think a miscarriage needs wider acknowledgment. If it’s too early to celebrate being pregnant it’s too early to commiserate. It’s why no one announces pregnancies before 12 weeks because really so many don’t make it.
Someone’s Nan dying is a lifetime of memories for that person. Yours are what if’s. Two different things.

Sorry about your MC.
I have had two and would never of thought about anyone sending me a card or flowers or anything. Likewise I would never have thought about sending either to any of my friends that have had a MC. Not sure why you would expect your work to send you a card.

So many insensitive posts on here. A person grieving a miscarriage doesn't need to be told that it's really common or that it's not the same as someone dying.

@LowestEbb I have struggled with feeling like my miscarriages have been swept under the carpet so can understand that you would like it to have been acknowledged in some way. However, as a pp said, I just don't think it is the common practice to send a card after a miscarriage so please don't take it personally or think that they mean to be insensitive.

I'm sorry for your loss , wishing you all the best xx

You lost a baby, I get this, I have too. I didn’t get, and really wouldn’t have wanted a card or any conversation about it. Especially from work. This is not generally an event anyone comments on, but when you see people they are sympathetic. Not sure why you didn’t get a leaving gift

You can call them out on it In a sly way by saying “ sorry I was so consumed by my own grief that I didn’t send you a card x ( insert name of person whose nan died), hope you and the family are keeping well”.

YANBU to be upset and your feelings are valid.

However, I don't think it's the norm to recieve cards/flowers with an early miscarriage (maybe because it's not usually announced at that point). Maybe your colleagues didn't know if they were supposed to know or not? Or didn't want to upset you more by bringing it up? I'm sure there was nothing malicious behind it.

Did you actually announce the pregnancy or did the manager let people know quietly? If the former then I'd expect a text from colleagues to say they were thinking of you but if you didn't announce it then I wouldn't have said anything if I were them.

Sorry for your loss xx

I’m very sorry for your loss, YANBU.

They may not know what to say etc but it’s deeply insensitive. A card and flowers would’ve been a nice gesture.
When someone went through this in our workplace and she didn’t even know she was pregnant, we still sent a card and flowers. She was very upset and went sick, only a few of us knew how affected she was by it.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. You have every right to feel how you feel, I think I would feel the same. I hope and imagine that it is a case of people not knowing what to do or say rather than any ill feelings towards you. Unfortunately most people don’t know what to do when there’s a death.

I have learnt something from you. If I ever find out someone has had a MC, I will make sure to acknowledge it somehow. Sometimes it’s the little things that make a big difference.

Take care of yourself and ignore the harsh comments

I'm very sorry for your loss OP

•You can call them out on it In a sly way by saying “ sorry I was so consumed by my own grief that I didn’t send you a card x ( insert name of person whose nan died), hope you and the family are keeping well”.

Jesus, do not do this.

I definitely think card / flowers for leaving should have been sent. I really don’t think a recognition of a miscarriage should be expected. It would be highly unusual. I have had 5 m/c and would have been mortified at any cards etc. A text from people I had told would be nice but I think that it shows people have very different views around recognising a mc

Good god,mn at its worst @LouiseTrees
The awful scripted put downs that are supposed to be really eviscerating
In fact they are just stilted,unnatural and don’t represent any natural conversation
That’s really awful advice and too provocative confrontational

I am sorry that you are getting some really horrible replies. Mumsnet is full of nasty bullies with issues.

Your workmates should have got you a card when they found out the news. Did anyone show any caring, such as a call?

I am so sorry about your loss.

I've had 7 miscarriages/ectopics during my employment - the first one being at 12 weeks and a card and flowers was organised but I was stillIn my job - all the ones after that I didnt and I was glad to be honest - I didn't want to see it on the mantle piece every day nor watch some flowers die

I’m so sorry for your loss. No I’ve never heard of anyone receiving a card/gift for a miscarriage. For anyone who might know I would expect a text/call/pop by for a cuppa and a shoulder (pre covid) so I’m sorry if you didn’t feel supported in that way.

Also you hadn't been with them long 🤷‍♀️

OP I am very sorry for your loss but unfortunately I think miscarriage is so common and so many of us have been through it and everyone is different and reacts differently. I'd have hated flowers and fuss I just wanted to get over it. My boss knew but never mentioned it as obviously I didn't want to discuss it but I know he was extra nice to me for the few months afterwards. For me it was just one of those things that happen and not a huge personal tragedy.

Haven’t read all the posts and I don’t want to coz people on mumsnet are harsh as fuck and tbh absolute dicks. OP, I hope you’re okay and I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you love. ♥️ I know this must be such a difficult time 🙏🏼

@LouiseTrees that might be the worst advice I've ever read on MN.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP

@LowestEbb

Can PP's please stop calling it a miscarriage card. Thats obviously not what I mean.

My DH got a huge bunch of flowers and a nice card with the usual 'Thinking of you' platitudes from his work.

They knew about my MC cos I guess my team leader had to inform them when the inevitable baby didn't arrive in 9 months.

How long ago did this happen? If they didn't find out until you were technically due then I wouldn't expect a retrospective acknowledgment months after the fact.

You definitely should have got something for leaving the team though.