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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset I got nothing from work? (Miscarriage)

300 replies

LowestEbb · 08/01/2021 18:53

I worked with this team for a year. We regularly gave leaving cards/sympathy cards etc.

I applied for another role and was due to start there on the Monday. Last day with old team was on the Friday, so just 2 days before my MC.

On the Sunday I went to A and E with bleeding and it was discovered my baby had no heartbeat, measuring 10 weeks but thought I was 12. Devastated isn't the word.

They knew I was pregnant (public service so changes what role you do, plus I had severe sickness)

I'm still in the work whatsapp chat and someone has just message thanking them all for their card as her nan died, another has replied 'Hope you're okay'

I got nothing, either for leaving or for my miscarriage, 4 weeks later.

I thought I was well thought of and they were my friends.

I wondered if it was because I'd left the team, but it was only a day after and I've had flowers and cards from numerous teams I've been on before, one I left 2 years ago.

I really don't know if I'm BU or just over sensitive.

Just a card would have meant a lot in the darkest moments.

AIBU????

OP posts:
Reallyhadenough · 08/01/2021 20:09

I am very empathetic towards your loss ( I have had several miscarriages)....but, you expect cards and flowers??? My brother died (he lived 33 years) I didn't get cards or flowers!!! And didn't expect them xxx

rwalker · 08/01/2021 20:10

I would be to worried about getting it wrong to send anything to a work colleague it's too personal

OhCaptain · 08/01/2021 20:11

I don’t think DH’s colleagues were kind. I think they were inappropriate and weird.

whoamongstus · 08/01/2021 20:11

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

I wouldn't send a card or flowers in that situation (from a work team).

I have, when team members I was friends with have suffered a miscarriage, given a text or call personally, but I don't think it's the done thing or necessarily appropriate as a work thing.

For one thing, when it was me, I would have hated receiving something from my workmates because I wanted to be left alone and to carry on as normal, and deal with it privately. I know not everyone feels like that, but it was the case for me - and I'd be wary of that with someone else.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 08/01/2021 20:14

It depends on the individual, what the feel is appropriate,what they want
There is no one way. Everyone is different and wants & needs differ

MimiDaisy11 · 08/01/2021 20:16

I don't know why a lot of posts are ignoring the OP not getting any acknowledgement for leaving. I think it's likely that that upset the OP and then it was further added to it by the miscarriage and seeing other people receive sympathy but none for her.

torquewench · 08/01/2021 20:16

Regarding your OP, Ive never received a card on the passing of either of my 2 grandparents that were alive when I was working, nor have i been asked to sign a card following the loss of a "nan", or following a mc (and theres been many) in 30 odd years of employment, so Id say its not unusual for you to not receive anything at such a sad time.

Condolences on your loss Flowers

emeraldcity2000 · 08/01/2021 20:16

Sorry for your loss op.
I also would have expected a leaving present but not a card re miscarriage. I had a first trimester miscarriage that started while at work. My boss and team were very supportive and that was the most important thing for me. A very close friend got me a bottle of gin.
I think there is not established tradition because the experience is so personal. For some people it it devastating and they would like it publically or privately acknowledged, for others it's a set back and they would find a card or gift overkill. So it's hard to know how to react. Even having experienced one, I wouldn't presume someone else's reaction and I personally wouldn't send a card or gift unless a very close friend I knew was struggling, ivf or TTc for a long time.
Good luck xxx

notinthiseconomy · 08/01/2021 20:20

OP, you're projecting your anger onto your old team because you need an outlet for your emotions.

They've done nothing wrong.

RosesAndHellebores · 08/01/2021 20:20

Very difficult op. As a woman who had countless miscarriages including one at 17 weeks and as an HR Director I don't think a team or organisation can do wright for doing wrong in these circumstances.

If miscarriage comes in on a fit note my team are aware they need to send links to MH support. Often the reason is "gynaecological" and we may know informally through a manager but to acknowledge causes data protection issues.

Add to the foregoing different wishes- some staff tell colleagues and work they are pg, some don't, and I had one employee cover up with baggy jumpers until 28 weeks - and it's a minefield.

I agree mc should not be the last taboo and that women need support. I say that from the bottom of my heart and 25-30 years on am still unsure if things would have been easier had others known or if it would have introduced another layer of complexity.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 08/01/2021 20:21

Yes pesky emotions,they leak and get out
How very dare the op feel emotional about leaving a post and a mc

alpinia · 08/01/2021 20:25

I'm sorry for your loss. It's a horrible form of grief that I'm sadly very familiar with.

The thing is, there is no established convention for appropriate condolences in the case of a miscarriage, particularly relatively early ones when many people haven't even shared their pregnancy news.

Some people wouldn't like to have their loss acknowledged, others might appreciate it. I'd have hated it if my colleagues even knew about my very painful three.

I notice you mention that your house is full of flowers and cards from other about your mc. Is that the usual approach with your family and friends? If so, I think that is quite unusual, baby loss is often a very personal, silent and (stupidly) taboo subject, but I can see you might expect something from your colleagues if it's the response you had elsewhere.

I wouldn't be too harsh on them, it's likely they didn't consider it appropriate, and also difficult timing to give you a congratulations you're leaving gift during a mc.

Glitteryone · 08/01/2021 20:27

I think it’s very entitled to expect something from your colleagues.

I agree with the first poster who said that people don’t class a miscarriage the same as someone dying.

I say all of this as someone who has had two miscarriages & one of them was quite far on (15 weeks).

whatsupbuttercupx · 08/01/2021 20:28

I had a miscarriage at 15 weeks and got moaned at for being off work by my colleagues (they knew about the pregnancy and the miscarriage)
Sorry about your miscarriage OP! I hope you have support in real life from close family and friends! I also definitely think that some people find the miscarriage conversation awkward and don't know how to approach it and may worry that it would remind you of the miscarriage by getting you a card or flowers and may think you wouldn't want that.
Sending you a hug 🤗

sarahc336 · 08/01/2021 20:29

I think they may feel uncomfortable to send a card as they may worry it'll upset you. When I had a Mc personally I'd have been mortified if my work sent me a card as I wanted people to not make it a centre of attention thing and was grateful when people didn't keep asking me about it. I think they think you'd prefer to be like tjay, it's a very personal thing really at the end of the day isn't it snd inthink a lot of people respect that. I am however sorry to hear of your loss Smile xx

Scottishskifun · 08/01/2021 20:30

@LowestEbb sent you a dm with links to a support forum. Virtual hugs.

Melabela10 · 08/01/2021 20:32

Sorry for your loss. It as others posters noted it’s not generally acceptable to send card tor miscarriage.

I8toys · 08/01/2021 20:34

YABU - sorry for your loss but should not expect flowers or a card for a miscarriage.

WiseOwlRelaxing · 08/01/2021 20:34

Everybody is continually fighting their own battle :-/

FedUp79 · 08/01/2021 20:35

Really sorry about your loss. Please don’t read too much into work colleagues not sending anything - doesn’t mean they don’t care but probably unsure about what to say. Focus your attention on looking after yourself and your DP.

Livelovebehappy · 08/01/2021 20:36

I think though if you’re in a group chat, talking about someone’s nan dying is different. But talking about a miscarriage, obviously that person is going to be very emotional and people don’t want to be that person who offers their sympathies on a group chat, to be met with anguish and sobbing. It can be uncomfortable for everyone. Obviously very sad to lose your nan, but it’s a different kind of sadness iyswim. I would be more inclined to offer sympathy privately for something like this. Maybe flowers, but not a card. Sorry for your loss op.

Dinocan · 08/01/2021 20:37

Miscarriage is extremely common, it’s the reason we generally don’t announce pregnancies until 12 weeks. I only know a couple of women who haven’t had one. It’s not acknowledged in the same way as a death or still birth because it is different, and I say that as someone who had a very physically traumatic 12 week miscarriage. Not giving you a leaving card is a bit off though. May I recommend the miscarriage association for online support.

Countdowntonothing · 08/01/2021 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nanbread · 08/01/2021 20:38

I had a miscarage 2 years ago in October, no one knew at work and the first they knew of my pregnancy was when I phoned in to say I was having a miscarage and wouldnt be coming to work. I dodnt get any cards or sympathies and it was pretty much just swept under the carpet.

Same, pretty much.

We didn't get any cards or flowers at all in fact, except from MIL. And a token gift from a friend of mine.

Maybe it would have been different if they'd known beforehand, maybe not.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/01/2021 20:39

When you are in grief things
Like this hurt and irk you enormously

I’m sorry it’s all so shit right now and this must hurt

They are callous , sending healing your way

I’d say that for MC I’d tend to send a kind message rather than a card . A card makes it feel more real
It’s a strange and confusing bereavement

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