Desperately trying not to go down the rabbit hole of feeling suicidal

[Hatstrategicallydipped]

AIBU in asking you to cheer me up?

I know you don't know me and don't care, but if anyone could cheer me up, I'd be very grateful.

I'm not suicidal at the moment, so that's where I want to stay.

Hello Hats, I've just been reading your thread and thinking what a lovely person you are. Just wanted to post and say I'll be thinking of you today.
Things that help me:

• listening to relaxation/hippy type music on YouTube
• watching daft, happy things like Brooklyn 99, Modern Family, Death in Paradise
• lavender essential oil
• having a cup of tea with a bar of chocolate (twirls are my favourite) and letting the tea make the chocolate all melty in my mouth
• playing pokemon go (good for if you feel physically up to walking)
• bundling duvet round me like a cocoon
• looking through photos on my phone of my DS
• going somewhere peaceful for a while and just looking at lovely nature
• listening to cheerful stuff on the radio, certain presenters can be very comforting
• reading lovely children's books
• taking a good dose of vitamin d3, and spatone iron sachets with vitamin c in - I get a boost out of knowing I've done something good for myself and they're also a big help physically over time

Hope you find an idea here that might be nice for you to try at some point. PM me if you want to chat.
Xx

Thank you all for your lovely messages! I had two lovely paramedics last night but they agreed to wait if I can until Monday am and then present 'as suicidal'. Not that I'll have to fake it really, but 9am I'm probably going to be too tired to 'act'. The 'professionals' have all agreed that I need to pretty much 'fake it' to get admitted as I usually present in the middle of the night when nobody is on who can make a decision so I get sent home! One dude literally woke me up a few nights ago when the police brought me in an I was in a cubicle in A&E where I fell asleep. He told me at 4am - you can go home now. I hadn't had bloods taken, hadn't seen a nurse, hadn't seen a doctor, hadn't seen the mental health team - nothing. So I got up and went to go home. I was outside ordering an uber and this little doctor comes racing out asking me where I was going - so I explained to her that I had been told to go home! She went back inside, I got into taxi, then police came knocking at about 11am the next morning as she must have contacted them. I had been trying to sleep. They left me alone when I said that I was trying to sleep and wasn't suicidal. No idea who the dude was who told me to go home. Telling a suicidal patient to go home (and waking them up to do so) at 4am sounds like lunacy to me, but that's what it's like currently.

For sleep put on really light and fun audiobooks fairly loud, they infect your dreams. I accidentally left one on about the great terror in the french revolution the other night and had awful dreams but i'll usually listen to travel stuff or Wodehouse and it really helps for nice dreams.

Glad to see from reading this thread im not the only one who uses wodehouse and agatha christie as an emotional crutch ha

@Hatstrategicallydipped It sounds like the paramedics are on your side and know what you have to do to actually get help! Great if you can have professionals able and willing to help you like that - although of course it would be better if the system was set up properly and you didnt need to do all of that. Good luck for Monday!

I'm so sorry you're there OP. I've been where you are.
Sorry if this has been asked, but have you done a safety plan? I found an amazing site that helps you put together your own one. Mine has things like Call a friend, Do some Colouring, Hide the Car keys etc. Anything to get you through each second.

Remember, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Sending you all the love.

@user1471565182 Its so lovely being immersed in a world where the biggest problem that exists is some complicated jape involving a statuette and a troublesome pekinese! As a side note one of my work colleagues was complaining their next door neighbour was playing the Sound of Music repeatedly all day long and I said that that was someone who was not coping with lockdown. (I sometimes listen "to these are a few of my favourite things" repeatedly myself (and make up my own examples) when the news is too crazy. Which at the moment is kind of always...)

@Hatstrategicallydipped

No, my GP doesn't read letters. I'd have to submit a request via the online consultation service to ask them to read the referral letter and I lack the wherewithal to do that at the moment. I'm not eating and my appetite is at zero. I know very well that I need to eat, but am struggling to do so. I haven't been anaemic in years, but I'm now psychotic (or voices in my head appear loud), so the two are possibly related.

Could you manage to sip on some meal replacement shakes? I found them really useful when in a similar situation

Hi op, how have you been doing today?

Good luck for tomorrow.

I hope you’re okay tonight and that you get a sensible doctor seeing to you tomorrow. Don’t give up OP the system is horrible and limited but there are some good individuals in it. Keep pushing until you see one of them. I know it’s hard to do that and admission is often traumatic in itself but hopefully they can keep you safe and review your treatment. You’re not mad (I mean you’re not well obviously) but voices aren’t as uncommon with severe depression as people think. This is awful but it is treatable and you can improve! How you feel at the moment won’t be forever. It’s just so shit feeling like you do.

Also I remember a doctor saying to me (in what feels like another lifetime) that being underweight and anaemic I would feel the symptoms more. I can’t even remember if that’s right but I think it was. Try eating little and often. High calorie stuff like nuts if you can.

You will get past this OP and you sill smile again.

Have you considered phoning the Samaritans? I have trained as a phone operator with them and they care so much.... their role is to be there just to listen and not judge to help people feeling as you do now.

Do you have friends or family IRL to connect with? Can you at least keep chatting to us here?

I'm on another thread on here and some utter c.u.n.t has just warned other posters that I have 'mental health problems' having seen this thread. Christ, if only you knew what my day job used to be you'd laugh.
But if ever I thought that we had got to the point where mental illness wasn't perceived to be a reflection on your intelligence, well the proof is there for me now. Thick people exist.

@dragonsmoke

You will get past this OP and you sill smile again.

Have you considered phoning the Samaritans? I have trained as a phone operator with them and they care so much.... their role is to be there just to listen and not judge to help people feeling as you do now.

Do you have friends or family IRL to connect with? Can you at least keep chatting to us here?

I don't find the Samaritans helpful, but thanks for the suggestion.

Hi OP.

Just popping on to suggest playing a "rain sounds" playlist from Spotify when you try to sleep. I've been using that for just over 2 years now and I never get to the end of it because I've fallen asleep. My brain struggles to switch off sometimes and it's been at its worst since then.

Ignore some of the absolute idiots on here OP - some people are either very uninformed or deliberately use mental illness as a tactic to undermine someone. They can get fucked, to put it politely.

I'm glad to see you checking in tonight. You had anything to eat today? :)

Don't let some randomer's comment throw you. Focus on what you need to do right now - eat, rest, shower, eat again, have a cup of tea, keep chatting on here as much as you're finding it helpful.
Hope you get some more sleep tonight - tomorrow's the start of a new week & you will hopefully get the hospital help you need

Hello
Bit by bit
Day by day

Tell us what you are hoping for?
Your goals ?
Where you will travel to soon?

@Hatstrategicallydipped
Idiots, the number of adults who have/are experiencing mental health problems is huge (particularly this year). Without a shadow of a doubt the person who posted that will have dealt with a professional with MH issues recently or otherwise their boss; a relative; a friend; someone whose opinion they value etc will have MH issues and they wont have had a clue. Partly because, unfortunately, there is a huge stigma associated with it still. But I can be severly depressed and still extremely knowlegeable within my area of expertise and generally sensible. Ignore. And I wouldn't call them a c.u.n.t - cunts have warmth and depth.

You were made for a purpose. I don't know you but I love you! The creature of the universe does too, talk to Him! Let Him guide you...

On top of everything, I have asthma and I know that I've slowly been developing a chest infection over the past few days. I filled out the 111 form online and it said RING 999 (don't worry - I won't lol).

If I have covid (doubtful), then I've contracted it from my lovely emergency services.

Not sure what to do really. Pain in shoulders when breathing. Typical foul-tasting phlegm (sorry to be gross). No cough other than my usual cough, no temp, no loss of taste/smell.

My GP is utterly useless I guess that I'll now be treated as a suspected covid patient? God above.

[quote namitynamechange]@Hatstrategicallydipped
Idiots, the number of adults who have/are experiencing mental health problems is huge (particularly this year). Without a shadow of a doubt the person who posted that will have dealt with a professional with MH issues recently or otherwise their boss; a relative; a friend; someone whose opinion they value etc will have MH issues and they wont have had a clue. Partly because, unfortunately, there is a huge stigma associated with it still. But I can be severly depressed and still extremely knowlegeable within my area of expertise and generally sensible. Ignore. And I wouldn't call them a c.u.n.t - cunts have warmth and depth.[/quote]
In fairness to the idiots, I said that Professor Chris Whitty knows fuck all. You don't need to be a genius to work that out. How do I know? Because nobody knows fucking anything about covid! So they drew the attention to the fact that I have 'mental health problems' or however they referred to it. Utterly frustrating, but there's no accounting for stupidity. It knows no bounds.

@Hatstrategicallydipped

On top of everything, I have asthma and I know that I've slowly been developing a chest infection over the past few days. I filled out the 111 form online and it said RING 999 (don't worry - I won't lol). If I have covid (doubtful), then I've contracted it from my lovely emergency services. Not sure what to do really. Pain in shoulders when breathing. Typical foul-tasting phlegm (sorry to be gross). No cough other than my usual cough, no temp, no loss of taste/smell. My GP is utterly useless I guess that I'll now be treated as a suspected covid patient? God above.

I think given you have asthma and probably a weakened immune system as a result of not eating/sleeping properly (and stress) you should take this reasonably seriously and at the very least try to get tested asap. That said, every time I have been through periods of stress, or of not eating, or depression (or all three yay) I have developed either horendous tonsilitis or a bad chest infection (pre-covid). I think that its your body keeping score if that makes sense. So it could very well NOT be covid but you need to get it checked! Either way, it makes it even more important to get some nutrients into you.

@Hatstrategicallydipped Ah well, if youd been agreeing with the poster then they would not have thought your "mental health problems" invalidated your opinion!

OP, so glad to hear you got through another day and night. Did you manage to eat something and take your vitamin?

I love some of the suggestions here for little positive things, like twirl and a cup of tea. I could eat that now (if only someone would bring it to me, lol)

I use rain sounds on Alexa and also 'sleep music' on apple music or Spotify. I'm gone in 10 mins whereas normally I'm lying there, mind racing, can't relax, can't sleep, getting annoyed with myself, and so very tired but unable to switch my brain off. They really work.

What another PP said about being physically weak making mental symptoms worse, I think that is true. Even a UTI can cause delusions, confusion and hallucinations. Not saying that is your issue but it could exacerbate an already fragile mental health. Do try and look after your body, so in turn it can help your mind, is what I'm trying to say. Probably badly.

Anyway, hope tomorrow goes well and you get more help from the hospital and not fobbing off.