Desperately trying not to go down the rabbit hole of feeling suicidal

[Hatstrategicallydipped]

AIBU in asking you to cheer me up?

I know you don't know me and don't care, but if anyone could cheer me up, I'd be very grateful.

I'm not suicidal at the moment, so that's where I want to stay.

@apalledandshocked

Or very sweet tea if you absolutely cant eat anything! That might stimulate your appetitie a little as well. Out of interest, when you say you have no appetite. Is it actually that you dont feel hungry at all/the thought of eating makes you feel sick. Or is it that actually you are hungry but you dont feel like you deserve food at this point? I think in either case eating a little of something will help.

Literally don't feel hunger at all.

You dont need to be prescribed iron. You can buy it over the counter (or online) and its not that expensive (same as vitamin D) obviously you dont want to go OTT with it since too much iron is a thing but it isnt a controlled medication, and it definately helped me! Particularly as scoffing a load of spinach/steak doesnt sound feasible for you right now!
Best taken with orange juice by the way. Vitamin B makes me feel sick if I take it without food. I actually suspect though a lot of the nauseau may well be the nauseau you get when you dont eat and you go past hunger into food making you feel queasy.

Sending you good thoughts. Could you try build up foods or drinks like Complan or calorific foods you enjoy?
Been there before and came out the other side. It's shit but it will get better .

Ah I feel sad for you, wish I could give you a hug 👐.

Am off to bed, I'm in Scandinavia so an hour ahead of you, but wanted to say hi.

Could you possibly eat nuts or almonds? Please think kindly of yourself, perhaps promise yourself that tomorrow you will do one selfcare thing and maybe two the next day?

Sending peace .

you've got a chance now to pull back from this, while you recognise it. Before it descends further.

Can you eat a little something and take your vit B with it tonight.

You really need iron too. I won't list the foods that have it as that would be too much I expect. A supplement is the best short term thing. Can you login and message the gp tomorrow to request it? Getting your iron levels up will really help with that wiped out feeling of fatigue.

Just eating something is a start. And not too overwhelming. What is your favourite food?

I keep cross posting because people are active here in supporting you which is great.

I'm going to sleep shortly but will check in in the morning.

Do keep talking about food if it makes you hungry!

Hi, I really feel for you; the emotional and physical pain of being suicidal cannot be underestimated.

I am not making this about me, I I just want to show I truly understand. I also feel suicidal and have just come home after a 2 week hospital stay. I had no calls, texts, anyone missing me etc and when I got home there was no-one there to welcome me.

I wish I could bundle up a boxfrl of love, but hugs and inspiration.

Mind is a great resource, 999 tend to be shite with suicidal patients. I truly wish I could help support you but I'd probably make you worse.

I hope you can find someone who is able to help you xxxxxxx

Welcome home @Locc, hope you feel better .

@Locc to you too!

@Hatstrategicallydipped

"Potatoes and carrots and meat would be my ideal "
Do you mean as lovely meaty stew with a buttery baked potatoe on the side soaking up the meat juices. Or a really well made shepards pie with the topping all fluffy and crisp. You are making me hungry!
Maybe have it as a plan to cook as soon as you have the energy/focus to do so? In the meantime eat something that will build your energy up so you get there - even just a "baked" potatoe done in the microwave with an extremely generous amount of butter on top.

Donald Trump has had his Twitter Account permanently suspended! Now that HAS to cheer you up!

Life is going to be boring with Biden though...after this circus.

Moderna vaccine approved for use here.

What do you get if you criss a fish & an elephant??

Swimming trunks!

..I'll close the door behind me...

Big hugs x

You're an absolute genius. I dragged out a frozen meal I had and then read your message about Vit B so have taken that now. I know that it helps with energy - which food will do also!! Now, if only the elusive sleep was within my grasp!

@giantangryrooster

Ah I feel sad for you, wish I could give you a hug 👐.

Am off to bed, I'm in Scandinavia so an hour ahead of you, but wanted to say hi.

Could you possibly eat nuts or almonds? Please think kindly of yourself, perhaps promise yourself that tomorrow you will do one selfcare thing and maybe two the next day?

Sending peace .

I ate today. tomorrow I will wash (sounds ridiculous but it's so hard for me for some reason).

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants

Donald Trump has had his Twitter Account permanently suspended! Now that HAS to cheer you up!

Life is going to be boring with Biden though...after this circus.

Moderna vaccine approved for use here.

What do you get if you criss a fish & an elephant??

Swimming trunks!

..I'll close the door behind me...

Big hugs x

Permanently suspended? It was just 12 hours? What a loss of entertainment, though observing someone being insane and half the world not realising that that is what he was is probably not ethically right.

Biden has the Irish drop - he could be saving it for now to let that bit of randomness out. Lots to come with him I suspect.

Yes - your joke was shite. But I loved it and thank you.

@Locc

Hi, I really feel for you; the emotional and physical pain of being suicidal cannot be underestimated.

I am not making this about me, I I just want to show I truly understand. I also feel suicidal and have just come home after a 2 week hospital stay. I had no calls, texts, anyone missing me etc and when I got home there was no-one there to welcome me.

I wish I could bundle up a boxfrl of love, but hugs and inspiration.

Mind is a great resource, 999 tend to be shite with suicidal patients. I truly wish I could help support you but I'd probably make you worse.

I hope you can find someone who is able to help you xxxxxxx

Hi Locc and thank you so much for taking the time to message me when you obviously have enough on your own mind! I will check out Mind - it's not something I've tried before. I too have nobody apart from family who I can't tell how I feel. So I live alone and can't tell anyone. Me and you will get better please God?

Hi OP,

Sorry you're having such a rubbish time. Do you know how anaemic you are? Has your GP made any suggestions to treat the anaemia?

If you aren't managing to eat often, how about a nutritional drink such as ensure to supplement what you are able to eat ? And could you buy a few ready meals that you can just bung in the microwave? Or a loaf of bread and some beans, peanut butter, jam... when you're low on energy things on toast are really convenient and you get quite a few calories in without having to eat a huge amount that way as well.

If you can't manage a shower/bath, perhaps just a wash at the sink?

No suggestions for sleep I'm afraid other than if you can nap in the afternoon then have one. I've struggled to sleep my entire life so these days I just sleep when I can regardless of if that happens to be a socially acceptable time or not!

I'm not terribly anaemic. I have the exact figures. My psychiatrist gave me the figures. My GP does nothing unless you contact them. Not even when contacted by services such as psychiatry.

Haemoglobin 112.9g/ltr (should be 120 min)
Mean cell volume 81.8 (should be 86 min)

Neutrophile - 7.9
White Blood Cells 11.9 (both of those indicate an infection)

Remainder of bloods normal apart from magnesium 0.6 when it should be 0.7 minimum, but for some reason it's always low with me - so far as being 0.2 and was hospitalised after sort of seizing up - arms/legs/hands just contracted (painfully) - that was about 9 months ago though. I was on magnesium drips and they discharged me when it got up to 0.6, so I'm not too concerned about that - though my doctor friend tells me that I should be.

So not terribly anaemic, but at the same time not good, not normal range and unlikely to get better when I'm not eating.

There are some lovely people about OP. You're never truly alone. I'm glad you've had some food. No pressure with the washing, take it slowly. As someone suggested, a sink wash could be something to try.
I hope brighter days are ahead for you

I had been taking magnesium supplements (prescribed) for months but stopped taking them mid December when my mental health/eating went haywire. I eat walnuts as snacks. I don't know why my magnesium is never normal. The doctors say diet but I was eating really well, taking magnesium supplements etc for about 6 months, so I don't know why they're still not in the normal range.

Is this a chicken and egg situation?

You are concentrating on the need to eat, and of course it is essential that you do that. The other side of it is why can’t you eat. I feel it is also essential to address that issue.

You are experiencing as many others are the lack of help from professional services. This is a serious problem, and realistically won’t be solved any time soon.

You can look for alternative kinds of help. This is your only option.

I see you have family, is that an area you could explore to identify someone who could provide a listening ear? People who may have been too busy in the past may be able to be available to you now.

A PP mentioned Mind. They are a brilliant organisation and I would second that recommendation and definitely pick up the phone and ask for help.

Self help is also something you could concentrate on. Not just on the need to eat and wash.

Make a list of the things you liked to do and gave you pleasure in your past life pre illness. Access one of those things a couple of times a day even if you’re not feeling it. Regain familiarity with wellness.

Crosswords, drawing, reading, music, favourite programmes, crafting etc.
It will feel alien at first as you do not feel you. But practice is key.

You are not alone, people do care, reach out and ask for help.

I wish you strength to do that.

Ah OP, I've been where you are. It is so scary to feel yourself being 'mad', isn't it?

But you take the tiny, tiny wins. And they get bigger. So maybe your tiny win is that you ate, and took vitamins, today.

And tomorrow your win is that you wash, and maybe even eat and do vitamins as well. If that's 'all' you manage (I know it can feel like climbing Everest in flipflops) then fuck it, that's a win anyway!

And if you manage another little win (order iron tablets off internet? Brush teeth? Clean bedding? Clear one surface, if you're a messy depressed person like me who ends up in a tip?), even better.

If you can, make a list of some tiny achievements you want to make, daily or generally. You can make it here (but don't worry you're not accountable to us - these are achievements, not expectations) or just on your phone. When you do one, you can look at that - positive proof you have control. That no matter what your brain chemistry is doing, no matter what triggers are thrown your way, right now you have a tiny bit of control that you exercised in an act of self love and care that you absolutely fucking deserve.

❤️❤️❤️ Good luck. I know what it feels like to only be able to contemplate time in seconds or minutes in front of me because anything else felt unbearable, and this is how I cope - a tiny win in getting off the kitchen floor. Hours of blank staring at a wall later, a tiny win in putting a clean jumper on. The next day, a win in washing my face and brushing my teeth. One at a time.

I have family who are part of my problem lol. The other part (my children) I do not want them to know. I'm Mammy etc. and they're young adults and do not need to know that their mother has gone doolally! They cheer me up when they call, but that's not too often. They're busy with their own lives.

A lot of it is a lack of energy to do anything which has probably precipitated this current descent into madness. There is the fear of COVID along with all of my usual supports being obliterated. So it's just me, myself and the voices in my head haha! I'm afraid to try to sleep as that's when I can hear them. It sounds like two people arguing in the distance VERY LOUDLY in my head when I try to sleep. So as well as not eating, I now have not sleeping to add into the mix!

Can you sleep with some kind of noise on? I find shit TV instead of music better - voices can break through music easier, if you watch something with loads of dialogue (Brooklyn 99? Gilmore Girls? A football match haha?) then it's easier to focus on their speech patterns, even if you're not focusing on the actual plot, than any other voices!

One thing at a time is absolutely where I'm at right now. One thing a day even. I made it to the dentist on the 4th. I didn't brush my teeth yesterday or today as it can make me vomit, so I avoid it.
I often wonder how the fucking hell I managed to hold down a full time job and rear two children? Up, coffee, cigarette, shower, coral kids, out door, childminders, work, home, feed them, bed, etc.

Now I can only manage cigarettes! How bloody ridiculous. It's pathetic and I have no sympathy for myself as I feel like I need a bloody good boot up the hole.

My Dad is 70 and works upwards of 12 hours a day still. We were always reared to be hard workers and I am, but I just can't bloomin do anything. It's frustrating.
Achievement for today: Did not need to call 999.