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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Desperately trying not to go down the rabbit hole of feeling suicidal

173 replies

Hatstrategicallydipped · 08/01/2021 18:30

AIBU in asking you to cheer me up?

I know you don't know me and don't care, but if anyone could cheer me up, I'd be very grateful.

I'm not suicidal at the moment, so that's where I want to stay.

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 09/01/2021 21:05

Do the evenings always feel worse OP? Can you lose yourself in a film on Netflix? Or does it feel hard to concentrate?

DianaT1969 · 09/01/2021 21:06

Is there one friend who can come around and who would make you feel better?

giantangryrooster · 09/01/2021 21:27

Ha op, my ds is a physicist too Smile. Not one of my best subjects either (understatement). Why don't you ask them about their jobs and make them explain next time you speak? It's impressive how hard our dc work.

Wonder what your dd does to market, there are so many newish things in marketing, online to a great extent I suppose.

You need to be a little nosy to understand what they are on about Grin. How old are your dc, mine are mid twenties.

Eat op, eat.

bearlyactive · 09/01/2021 21:27

Hopping on here to add to the handholding. I can also tell you about my cat. A couple of years ago she brought us a mouse. Not an unusual occurrence, except it was alive, and she brought it into the conservatory, where it promptly disappeared. Cue much searching (soul-searching and otherwise because I'm terrified of mice). The first night, we put out a cracker for it, a nibble of which was gone by the morning. The next night, I put out a couple of chocolate chips, which disappeared. Bear in mind that this was in the middle of the summer, and our conservatory gets scorching hot. The next night, we sourced a humane trap. The next morning - bingo! Mousey got set free.

Throughout that whole sorry tale, of course, we kept the conservatory doors shut. DCat spent many an hour sitting by the closed doors looking mournfully through the glass. The one time we did let her in, she wandered around the perimeter of the room and buggered off again! We eventually deduced that the mouse must have hidden up the back of the radiator, because unless it was a SpiderMouse then it could not have hidden anywhere else!

Original poster
Hatstrategicallydipped · 09/01/2021 21:29

The evenings are always worst. I've had about 3 hours sleep for the last 10 nights and I'm not coping well. The poor brain can't cope.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hatstrategicallydipped · 09/01/2021 21:35

I do ask them but neither of their jobs are jobs that I can understand. Dd seems somehow involved in marketing for a media company. Ds told me his job title but I've forgotten it. It's a well known aviation company, or manufacturer of aircraft that he works for, but they're very junior both of them. Both early 20's. I'm sure they'll be successful. They certainly don't need their mother having a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
giantangryrooster · 09/01/2021 21:39

Assuming you are on some kind of medication can you contact your psychiatrist and get a review of your medication? Sounds as if you need something that will wind you down to be able to sleep. None of us feel good or think rational if we don't sleep for days Thanks.

accidentalchickenkeeper · 09/01/2021 21:40

Hiya. I've just read through your thread and wanted to drop in to say hi!
You sound so lovely and warm and the pride and love and you have for your children shines through in your posts.

I've had two pretty bad episodes and have had police involvement both times. They were amazing both times.

DianaT1969 · 09/01/2021 21:44

Sorry if this is a silly question OP, but have you prescribed sleeping pills?

giantangryrooster · 09/01/2021 21:48

They certainly don't need their mother having a nervous breakdown.

Of course they don't, but neither do you Wink. We all plod along as best we can, I'm sure you would be there for your dc if they had problems. And I'm sure they wouldn't mind a text or two a day.

What do you do for a living? Do you have the means to pay for a psychologist yourself or can you find any free services?

Cissyandflora · 09/01/2021 22:15

I’ve found the Hilaria Baldwin story really distracting and entertaining. If you haven’t watched everything about it on Twitter you could do that.

DianaT1969 · 09/01/2021 22:27

I feel there might be things that can help you sleep, such as a weighted blanket, white noise machine, magnesium as said before, and Epsom salt footbaths to absorb it through the skin. Sleeping tablets if your doctor will prescribe them. I know they might not be a good idea depending on your other medication High dose vitamin D too. But it all requires effort on your part to order them and I hear in your writing that you don't have the energy. Physical or mental. It would be great if you could try though. 💐

DianaT1969 · 09/01/2021 22:30

Actually, you can play long white noise tracks on YouTube on your phone. Maybe try that tonight?

Mum2jenny · 09/01/2021 22:41

Have you tried contacting the Samaritans
112123? They can be excellent for support.

c0ntent5 · 10/01/2021 00:09

I work in mental health, can I ask what supports you currently have both personally and professionally? Do you have a formal diagnosis, and do you have physical health issues delays to your mental health issues?
Sounds like you have a lot going on but breaking things down into manageable chunks can be much less overwhelming, and small achievements make you feel good Smile

Propsneeded · 10/01/2021 00:19

My friend's husband committed suicide during the first lock down leaving 3 children.

However low anyone feels...reach out and talk, seek help. The life for the left behind is awful

fancyginglass · 10/01/2021 00:37

I know how you feel and have been there - could you volunteer for those less fortunate? I know this will take a massive effort and might be too much for you but it might help you see how other people live? Just a suggestion.

user1471565182 · 10/01/2021 00:40

Now im off my medication I sometimes get these moments of self realisation where I know my MH could plummet, but I just dont take everything ( I mean life) so seriously anymore now Im in my 30s. Maybe thats a bit easy of me to say, but i just sort of think well maybe my life is a joke and it might be the same in a year, but I can do anything I want to improve it, ive got my freedom, no awful chronic pain and all those books ive been meaning to read for years with lockdown to do it. I ask myself what am I really dreading, and the truth is nothing.

Also remind yourself you're a good person, that also might sound a bit cheesy and light but it works when you get those pangs of past regret or urge to abuse yourself that comes with depression. Literally tell yourself 'im a good person and I dont deserve this feeling'.

AnxiousAlpaca · 10/01/2021 00:48

Flowers For you OP. I’ve been where you are recently to the point I was Googling things I really shouldn’t have been. I’m seeing a psychiatrist at the moment. This week has been really bad but I’ve not really been doing much to help myself Sad So I’ve tried to make myself a list of a routine I’ll try and follow next week to try to help.

whoamongstus · 10/01/2021 01:07

Hi again OP - popping in to check in, I'm sorry this evening's been a hard one again for you. Still, you're nearly a full day on from yesterday - that's an achievement :)

Your children sound lovely, and very bright - I know quite a few people who work in aviation engineering, it's not easy at all! I work in marketing, like your daughter, and I also have a 'hard to explain' job title: it's about 6 different jobs rolled into one, so I just say 'marketing' to my mum haha :)

Lack of sleep will definitely not be helping which always feels like a vicious cycle, doesn't it? Keep talking: we're here :)

(In latest Bodger the Cat news, he tried to climb the chimney before. He's never done that in 4 years, but today he tried it. Thankfully he's too fat and stupid and didn't make it far before I dragged him, massive bum first, out!)

BendyLikeBeckham · 10/01/2021 01:16

Hey OP. Just popped in to see how you are doing. Not so well I see.

Have they called you back yet? Please call the Samaritans and just talk. They will listen. And the human contact (and distraction) will do you so much good.

You are so deserving of happiness and a good life. Please give yourself the gift of one more day, and acceptance that you are worth more than how you are feeling right now. This too shall pass.

Flowers
caperplips · 10/01/2021 01:35

Thinking of you & hope you got through the evening ok. One day at a time x

Original poster
Hatstrategicallydipped · 10/01/2021 06:51

Well I actually slept a few hours during the night tonight. Makes a change from being awake all night long. Still tired and had a horrible horrible dream. It was that my sister went off and got married to my boyfriend (I don't have one lol) but it felt so bloody real.

Unfortunately I don't have friends nearby. I'm prescribed promethazine for sleep, but unfortunately it doesn't work anymore. There is hope that they'll admit me during the week, but I need to present Mon-Fri 9-5 for the correct team to be on duty to admit me. Obviously there's the looming chance of catching covid while in hospital, so I'm not sure about it, but I need to do something I think I'll be there first thing Monday morning - they were going to admit me on 27th December but there were no beds - so discharged under Home Treatment Team.

OP posts:
Hilarias · 10/01/2021 07:33

Good to hear from you this morning, Op. Been reading this thread while my toddler DS has been up since 5. So glad to hear you slept a little. Your descriptions reminded me of the months after his birth when I experienced proper sleep deprivation for the first time with hallucinations and hearing voices. No wonder it’s used as torture.

I hope the hospital stay works out for you. Please keep posting here, there are lots of us invested in you. You sound lovely and funny and clever, even with no sleep and being unwell. I’m imagining how brilliant you must be after 8 hours kip!

Also, better late than never but re the cat - I imagine it was a reLEAF to find he’d just brought in a leaf rather than something furry and wriggling. Wink Sorry, I’ll get me coat.

BlueSuffragette · 10/01/2021 07:42

Hi OP glad you managed to get some sleep. It sounds positive that you may be able to get support from the hospital. Your children sound like they are doing well with their jobs. Keep posting today. See if you can eat some breakfast this morning.