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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Desperately trying not to go down the rabbit hole of feeling suicidal

173 replies

Hatstrategicallydipped · 08/01/2021 18:30

AIBU in asking you to cheer me up?

I know you don't know me and don't care, but if anyone could cheer me up, I'd be very grateful.

I'm not suicidal at the moment, so that's where I want to stay.

OP posts:
whoamongstus · 09/01/2021 04:07

'Did not need to call 999' is absolutely a win! I'm all for needing a good boot up the arse when depressed (personally! Not got everyone ha) but you've gotta be at a certain level of being ready for it.

So no tough love here. But you know you are capable of running a 'normal' and busy life and that while your brain might be fighting you right now, you still are able to do all those things. Just maybe not today - build your tiny wins up!

Tonight, try falling asleep on the sofa to some mindless TV. If you don't fall asleep, fine. But don't go and lie in bed and feel like a failure cos you're not sleeping, that's no fun at all haha - just put some shit on TV, drag your duvet to the sofa, be comfy. If you sleep, nice one.

Tomorrow, do washing your face and put clean clothes and check in on this thread if you can. ❤️

Original poster
Hatstrategicallydipped · 09/01/2021 04:12

My lovely police officers have probably saved my life. I've had quite a few of them as unfortunately when you call and say you're suicidal (via whatever means), they send police around to sit with you until an ambulance comes. They've all told me that I'm lovely and that if they see my address coming up they will respond personally to the call out (don't know how it works in practice). I don't think I'd be alive if it wasn't for the police. I'm not saying that lightly. And I hate them generally Grin

OP posts:
indecis · 09/01/2021 04:15

Things that may or may not help!

  • I don't know anybody who is ok at the moment, not to diminish how you feel, but this helps me feel slightly less isolated when I've been at my lowest
  • The sheer fact you're getting through each day makes you incredibly strong. You're so much more than your brain is letting you believe
  • Find a recipe book, find a recipe, go and buy what you need and cook it. Even if you don't eat it and it ends up in the bin it's a good distraction for a bit. Or make a cake, give it to your neighbour / the postman / the police if you do need to call them. Or find a nearby homeless shelter, that's where my uneaten Christmas dinner ended up!
  • Always try and keep in mind the police or any helpline you may try is full of very kind people who desperately want you to want to live
  • Picture a future that could conceivably happen. Anything really, however small. If you're even anywhere remotely near as stubborn as me, you'll want to find out if it might happen

There's no easy answer to this, it's a battle. I've been there, still am sometimes and I can only apologise if any of the above sounds flippant, it's just what helped me. The second point is probably the one I hope you believe the most - forget what everyone else is doing, you are surviving each day. It makes you incredibly strong, incredibly brave and incredibly important to this world.

Original poster
Hatstrategicallydipped · 09/01/2021 04:16

I feel awful about calling 999 but 111 invariably tells me to call them which isn't much help. The alternative has been suicide (some attempts over the Christmas period) and mostly just the police sitting with me until the ambulance arrives or else driving me to A&E. I don't think that they get any credit for the work they do for mental health services. They're not trained for it but have to do it. They're my heroes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hatstrategicallydipped · 09/01/2021 04:18

Indecis - far from sounding flippant - your points were all relevant to me and seem achievable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hatstrategicallydipped · 09/01/2021 04:20

Well apart from going to the shops to find ingredients for a recipe. I'm a shit cook and haven't left the house for 3 weeks.

OP posts:
whoamongstus · 09/01/2021 04:22

I'm glad you've had good supportive coppers - it makes such a difference when you're feeling that desperate just to remember people do give a shit.

You're actually doing so, so well. You know when you need to call for help. You are able to assess how you're doing in terms of taking care of yourself. You're seeking contact here and asking for support. These aren't little things, these are signs that you are fighting for yourself. That's no small thing. Be proud of that!

indecis · 09/01/2021 04:27

Ah good, didn't want to make it sound as though baking a cake would solve all your problems! I can't stress enough what has got me through some truly awful times, and out the other side - you have survived. Leaning on the police / ambulance service doesn't make you weak, it just means you can't always do it alone. With help or without (and both are completely fine) - you have survived, you're probably more resilient than 10 other people combined and why not just see how many days you can keep going for because why not? I'm willing to bet you're strong enough to survive another 1 / 10 / 50 years because however hard you try, that resilience is buried somewhere in you.

Original poster
Hatstrategicallydipped · 09/01/2021 04:28

It's a day at a time. This is the first day in about 10 days where I haven't had some intervention.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hatstrategicallydipped · 09/01/2021 04:30

And that is thanks to you lovely ladies. I'm very grateful. I get strength every time I achieve something small, so my aim is to not need 999 today either. Please God!

OP posts:
indecis · 09/01/2021 04:33

Oh, and cook some shit food, throw whatever is in the fridge or freezer in a saucepan and see what happens. You might even make yourself smile a tiny, little bit at the absolute state of the end result or you might be the next masterchef! Add lots of salt and pepper a la Gordon Ramsey, take a picture of the very salted and peppered disaster (make sure it's Instagram worthy!) and then pop some fresh herbs on top, put it on the side, or in the bin, and find the next thing that might make you smile even a tiny bit. You'll find it. One step at a time x

whoamongstus · 09/01/2021 04:34

I think you can do that, OP. I'm sending you very good thoughts ☺️

And, if it makes you smile: I'm awake because my cat was shouting. Came downstairs to find out he's shouting because he's caught me a leaf and he's sat there proud as anything with it. Idiot. So now I'm watching shit crime dramas to try and fall asleep again while my stupid furry pal parades round the living room with a leaf in his mouth haha!

indecis · 09/01/2021 04:37

Usain bolt, first example I can think of, probably wants to beat his 100m sprint record today. You want to get through a day without calling 999. No question in my mind who's put more effort in to achieve their goal by tonight - you by a country mile. I'll stop commenting constantly now! Not sure if there's a private message thing on this? But feel free to get in touch, now or whenever, if you want to

Original poster
Hatstrategicallydipped · 09/01/2021 04:37

@whoamongstus

I think you can do that, OP. I'm sending you very good thoughts ☺️

And, if it makes you smile: I'm awake because my cat was shouting. Came downstairs to find out he's shouting because he's caught me a leaf and he's sat there proud as anything with it. Idiot. So now I'm watching shit crime dramas to try and fall asleep again while my stupid furry pal parades round the living room with a leaf in his mouth haha!

PMSL. I absolutely adore cats and you have actually made me laugh out loud (hope I didn't wake the neighbours!). What a prize twat cat you have!!
OP posts:
indecis · 09/01/2021 04:38

@whoamongstus

I think you can do that, OP. I'm sending you very good thoughts ☺️

And, if it makes you smile: I'm awake because my cat was shouting. Came downstairs to find out he's shouting because he's caught me a leaf and he's sat there proud as anything with it. Idiot. So now I'm watching shit crime dramas to try and fall asleep again while my stupid furry pal parades round the living room with a leaf in his mouth haha!

A leaf! You must be such a proud parent ;)
Original poster
Hatstrategicallydipped · 09/01/2021 04:39

@indecis

Usain bolt, first example I can think of, probably wants to beat his 100m sprint record today. You want to get through a day without calling 999. No question in my mind who's put more effort in to achieve their goal by tonight - you by a country mile. I'll stop commenting constantly now! Not sure if there's a private message thing on this? But feel free to get in touch, now or whenever, if you want to
Rome wasn't built in a day. I'm a run before you can crawl type and always land flat on my face. I'm trying to just get that one goal of not calling them achieved. I hate doing it and though they are lovely, I know that they have other work to do as well.
OP posts:
whoamongstus · 09/01/2021 04:47

Hahaha yep he's a little shit and I have currently got a handful of treats hidden in my dressing gown pocket which I keep throwing to make him drop his precious leaf... he just drops it, eats the treat in a panic like it's about to be made illegal, and then immediately picks up this fucking leaf again hahaha. I don't know what it is but it has mud on it and every time he gets his stupid jaws round it disintegrates a lot more 😂

And not calling 999 is a good goal for you but don't forget if you need to call them, you need to - so it's not wasting their time! Don't ever not call if you need to because you feel bad.

But little steps. Today, you won't need to, fingers crossed. Are you comfy and warm right now? Have you drunk any water in the last few hours? If you can make comfy and semi hydrated happen at this time of morning I'd say you were onto a good start.

indecis · 09/01/2021 04:51

Why do you hate it? You shouldn't. I'm about 99% sure they'd rather sit with you instead of having to break up yet another covid breach party or sit in a police car on a random side street in case somebody speeds past! They have crimes to deal with of course but I bet it's quite a nice relief to just sit and have a chat in a warm house occasionally. If you can, put yourself in their shoes, if it were me I'd genuinely feel like helping you made my job worthwhile

Original poster
Hatstrategicallydipped · 09/01/2021 04:52

An eg. of the police. Probably because they DON'T have the training which would tell them not to get personal with 'patients'. He showed me a photo of his wife on his phone and myself and the other copper spent the evening saying that he was punching above his weight and telling him to get rid of his woeful beard (me). It was banter, just that, but it kept me alive. I show them pictures of my children, bore them to tears with tales about my children, go on and on about my children and then drive them crazy with Irish music. I'm sure that far from responding to my address, they pretend they're on a very important mission rather than having to attend to me.

There was a 'professionals' meeting held about me today and one of those was from the 'high intensity A&E usage' team or something. They have somehow come up with a police liaison person who will deal with me instead of me taking up police time, until another service can become activated. Not sure how that will work and am really hoping that I don't need to call the poor fuckers again. Until I can get myself out of this hole.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hatstrategicallydipped · 09/01/2021 04:59

@whoamongstus

Hahaha yep he's a little shit and I have currently got a handful of treats hidden in my dressing gown pocket which I keep throwing to make him drop his precious leaf... he just drops it, eats the treat in a panic like it's about to be made illegal, and then immediately picks up this fucking leaf again hahaha. I don't know what it is but it has mud on it and every time he gets his stupid jaws round it disintegrates a lot more 😂

And not calling 999 is a good goal for you but don't forget if you need to call them, you need to - so it's not wasting their time! Don't ever not call if you need to because you feel bad.

But little steps. Today, you won't need to, fingers crossed. Are you comfy and warm right now? Have you drunk any water in the last few hours? If you can make comfy and semi hydrated happen at this time of morning I'd say you were onto a good start.

That leaf was clearly hard got! He brought it home to show you what he had achieved! Minutes spent chasing it! Of course you're sucked in and are giving him treats. Like a bad mother
OP posts:
whoamongstus · 09/01/2021 04:59

Ah but that's not your fault, that's an underfunded police and health system who don't have the capacity to be able to attend to everyone they'd like to, as they'd like to. It sounds like the actual officers are good and warm and caring and probably thought about you as they headed to their next job - hoping that the banter and laughter was enough to help, even if they couldn't do more.

I hope the liaison officer is as good and human as those officers, but I also hope for your own sake you don't need them! The fact that you talk about getting yourself out of this hole shows me that you want to, that you know you can, and that you see a way forward. That's amazing.

You concentrate on what you need, day by day or hour by hour. And you work forwards it. You can and you will, and this thread is here to check in with us, too.

indecis · 09/01/2021 04:59

I've never known the police who actually attend calls to be anything apart from personable and warm and overshare enormously about their family etc. It must be the best welcome distraction from whatever else they've dealt with that day! If you need to ignore the "professionals" and call 999 then do. If you're not ok with being given a liaison person then try to push back, explain what would actually help. You don't have to accept it, there's no harm in asking for a different approach (worst case scenario they say no and you're no worse off). Bore everyone to tears with your kids as well, I do! It reminds me how proud of them I am, how amazing they are, and hopefully it will remind you how incredibly impressive you've been for years.

indecis · 09/01/2021 05:00

@whoamongstus

Hahaha yep he's a little shit and I have currently got a handful of treats hidden in my dressing gown pocket which I keep throwing to make him drop his precious leaf... he just drops it, eats the treat in a panic like it's about to be made illegal, and then immediately picks up this fucking leaf again hahaha. I don't know what it is but it has mud on it and every time he gets his stupid jaws round it disintegrates a lot more 😂

And not calling 999 is a good goal for you but don't forget if you need to call them, you need to - so it's not wasting their time! Don't ever not call if you need to because you feel bad.

But little steps. Today, you won't need to, fingers crossed. Are you comfy and warm right now? Have you drunk any water in the last few hours? If you can make comfy and semi hydrated happen at this time of morning I'd say you were onto a good start.

I agree on that, you're being played Wink
whoamongstus · 09/01/2021 05:02

And I have told Bodger he's not allowed any more treats so now he's placed the leaf on the coffee table as some kind of warning and he's loudly cleaning his bumhole. I hope that image makes you happier than it does me right now 😂

indecis · 09/01/2021 05:04

@whoamongstus

And I have told Bodger he's not allowed any more treats so now he's placed the leaf on the coffee table as some kind of warning and he's loudly cleaning his bumhole. I hope that image makes you happier than it does me right now 😂
Bodger! Great name choice. I'm picturing it (trying not to of course) and remembering why I don't have pets!