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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not send DC to nursery if I can’t attend the settling in session

142 replies

sanpelly · 08/01/2021 12:44

DS Is due to start nursery on the 3rd March whilst I return to work 3 days a week.

He will be just over a year old when he starts.

I spoke to the nursery this morning as we need to arrange some settling in sessions.

The nursery have advised that due to the current lockdown they are not allowing parents to attend and a member of staff will instead collect DS at the gate and take him for the settling in sessions.

I’m really not comfortable with this. Due to the pandemic and restorations, DS has never spent any time away from me.
He’s never been “looked after” by anyone other than me or DH.
He hasn’t even played with any other babies.

DH said it’s fine for him to have the sessions without us but I’m just not comfortable to let a stranger take him and put him in a new environment without having me or DH there.

They don’t know when they will be able to allow me to attend but have said once lockdown eases they will rethink their policy.

Im considering asking work if I can take some leave for a few weeks and delay my start date in hope that by mid March they will allow me to attend.

AIBU? Should I send him to settle in without me?

OP posts:

insancerre · 08/01/2021 12:49

I get that you are anxious but he will be fine
The nursery staff are experts at what they do and will have settled in hundreds of children between them
No nursery is going to let you in, I’m afraid
It’s just not worth the risk to the staff
My nursery has a no visitors policy and has done since March, even the fire extinguisher service man wasn’t allowed in, it’s essential visitors only, no parents, no show around.
FWIW we have had loads of children start who have all settled very well

Marzipan12 · 08/01/2021 12:51

Yes in the current climate you would be unreasonable to expect this. I haven't bern allowed inside my child's school since last maech, we haven't had a patents evening. Parenta of kids due to start primary and secondary in September haven't been allowed to go in for tbe usual visits. The current year 7s didn't get to have their usual transition days last summer. The rules are there to protect the staff and children in the setting,I know it's inconvenient but that's how it is at the moment.

AppleKatie · 08/01/2021 12:53

Honestly I reckon it will be easier on your baby this way.

The ‘settling’ in thing always feels more for parent than the child. (I speak as both a parent and teacher!).

It’s feels weird OP because it isn’t what you were expecting but it will be fine!

Needallthesleep · 08/01/2021 12:53

YABU. He will settle better without you there. I’ve actually never known parents to be allowed in for settling sessions, even before Covid.

StacySoloman · 08/01/2021 12:54

You won't be allowed in by mid-March. Maybe into the garden but not into a room with staff and children.

FTEngineerM · 08/01/2021 12:54

I wrote a thread on exactly this a few days ago, go read the replies. Some nice messages.

Moneypenny007 · 08/01/2021 12:54

Its not going to be magically better by mid march. Perhaps do more sessions but shorter in duration to ease them into it. You can always wait outside in your car. However in my experience once the kid sees fun toys they generally forget you are there and it is easier on the staff to get to know the child too.

treeslets · 08/01/2021 12:54

I work in a nursery, generally parents don't stay for settling sessions anyway. They stay long enough during the first session to fill in some paperwork- maybe half an hour tops- then that's it.

Now, the child is taken inside then a staff member goes back outside to the parent to complete the paperwork.

HappyTimeTunnelDinosaur · 08/01/2021 12:57

I feel for you. The thing is this will probably make it much easier for your baby all round and help him to settle. It will be harder for you though, so I'd make sure your dh is on hand with tea and cake/chocolate/whatever comforts you, while you wait at home to pick your little one up.

Kanaloa · 08/01/2021 12:57

I really feel for you OP. I have both worked in nurseries and sent my kids to them and I would no way want to leave my kids at a nursery I hadn’t been inside. At the moment it’s such a difficult situation though. Do you have any alternative childcare possibilities?

OverTheRainbow88 · 08/01/2021 12:59

Some are allowing you to go in the outdoor space to settle- could you suggest this?

My son started last March and I couldn’t go in and I think he settled faster than his brother who we did a long drawn out settling in with me present

Meepmeeep · 08/01/2021 13:02

Send them - my child went off on their own for a settle session and had a great time. As soon as the nursery gets the green light to open I’ll be sending them in. Due to start this week but Nicola said no.

KnobJockey · 08/01/2021 13:02

Sorry to say but the chance you will be allowed inside by march is absolutely tiny. As in, as close to 0 as you can get. dd started nursery in September, I haven't been allowed in since then.

But he'll be fine! Start small, try an hour, sit in your car outside if you want.

PinkSnowAndStars · 08/01/2021 13:03

Mine started last June. He was just 2.

I couldn’t go in, so off he went alone.

He’s been absolutely fine. It won’t be better by mid March.

Roundtoedshoes · 08/01/2021 13:03

Can you ask them if they can do some half day sessions maybe the week before? Or start the same week as you intended, but just work in the mornings at first that way it won’t be so daunting for you both?

But in all honesty, children really are adaptable. And as insancerre says, they are experts and this won’t be the first time this has happened. We had a couple of settling in sessions (one for an hour with me, and one for an hour with the DC and me in the car park - our nursery is stingy at the best of times!), in ‘normal’ circumstances, but it was fine - I put DC in a week early before I went back to work (so I was there on the inevitable first day when they wouldn’t settle). They were fine after that.

It’s normal to be worried, but to stand a chance of
remaining open to all, they have to be strict, even if it’s hard for you.

Merename · 08/01/2021 13:04

I disagree with the above posters and would share your concerns OP. This is the most significant separation your child has experienced to date, with other unusual complications that he’s experienced far less socialisation/ non family contact than he would have. This is likely to be very stressful for him and you are absolutely not unreasonable to consider his feelings.

‘Settling better’ without you there, may mean he shows less distress externally, but doesn’t mean he doesn’t have internal distress that he can’t resolve in relationship with people he doesn’t know. It may be that children in this situation just show less attachment behaviour towards people whom they don’t look to to meet their emotions al needs. Children being upset and tearful about separation with main caregivers is an appropriate and healthy thing (although hard for us and the desire is often there to stop the distress as it upsets us, rather than hear the big emotions and help with them).

Having said all of the above, you and many other parents may not have the luxury of not needing external childcare and when this is the case, in my view, the likely stress for the child absolutely needs to be acknowledged, so that steps can be taken to support them with it. ‘They’ll be fine’ is a common narrative, of course they will be safe and physically cared for, but it’s easy not to acknowledge the big emotions infants feel about separation, and the role we as parents have supporting them in learning to handle their emotions rather than just squash them.

RizzleDrizzle · 08/01/2021 13:04

Ok I was going to say at a year, hay there’s nothing lost by not sending him and I’m usually one that’s pretty pro nursery .

But then you say he’s not even played with other babies, well now I go he’s absolutely needs to go, the reason I’m so pro nursery is that it’s socialisation it’s children playing with children their own age.

While some kids who haven’t had that experience do fine when going to school you can pretty much tell those that haven’t when it comes to school their just not used to other children. Now yes at one school is still a while off. Which is why until I read that I said at one yeah sure he doesn’t need to start yet.

Now I sort of realise that playing with other kids might have been difficult this year, so had it not been a pandemic would you have been doing mother and toddler groups, soft play, allowing babysitters etc or is it your choice that he’s not had any of these things?

That changes my answer because is if just you’ve just not been able to do these things then yes sure delay nursery, and start him mixing with kids with you there. If it’s cos you chose not to engage well, nursery is going to be a hell of journey for you as is school.

Thing is I don’t know even after March how quickly adults will be allowed in to settling in sessions? If you need to send him to nursery for work then i don’t think you have choice

user1493413286 · 08/01/2021 13:04

I’m in this situation and it’s far from ideal but I can see why they’re doing it and it will be ok. I don’t think you can expect that it’ll have changed by March as mine have been doing it since September

ArosAdraDrosDolig · 08/01/2021 13:05

I wouldn’t be happy with it but it’s realistically going to be a long time before they can let you in. Maybe a year or more. It’s going to be this or no nursery and you will have to make that choice.

Brunt0n · 08/01/2021 13:05

I didn’t attend any settling in sessions with my daughter back in September 2019, long before COVID was an issue. Kids are more resilient than you think and they will take your lead on this.

I don’t think a couple of weeks will make a difference in them letting you attend settling sessions either by the way, so you’re just delaying the inevitable.

IcyApril · 08/01/2021 13:05

I would ask them what their policy has been in the last six months so you get a realistic idea of whether that extra few weeks will make any difference.

I expected not to be allowed in when I took my son to his new preschool back in September but they happily showed me around.

Mumtoalittlegirl · 08/01/2021 13:06

It’s so difficult isn’t it. When DD first got settled into nursery I was there with her for a good 30 mins. She’ll be starting a new pre school soon and it makes me feel ill that I won’t be able to be there with her, but she’s 3 now and very confident so I’m hoping things will be okay.

I have to say though when I drop her off at the gate at nursery she never gets upset like she did when I used to go in and then ‘leave’.

It’s a difficult time without covid, but your little one would probably be upset whether you went in or not. My little girl took a good few sessions to get used to it. I almost think it might have been better to have someone have her in rather than me being inside and having to leave.

I really feel for you- personally I would go ahead with it. It’s a shit time and a shit situation but give it a good few sessions. Unfortunately covid isn’t going away anytime soon and it will be a lovely opportunity for your little one to play with other children, and take part in activities once they are settled in.

CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 08/01/2021 13:06

My ds started nursery last year in the 1st lockdown. They invited us in together before opening hours, so that he could enjoy the room and toys and play with me and his keyworker together. They then cleaned before opening. Then he had 2 short visits without me there before he had his first full day.

I already felt comfortable with the nursery as dd had done 4 years there and although she left a year before, many of the staff were the same.

I think they could try to find a way for parents to do a session if they are creative or flexible about it.

Original poster

sanpelly · 08/01/2021 13:07

@Kanaloa

@Kanaloa

I have seen inside. During the summer when the cases were very low, they allowed us to have a look.
We had to wear masks and was only allowed there for 15 minutes. We weren’t allowed to be around the children but were able to at least we the building and have a look at the rooms.

OP posts:

welshweasel · 08/01/2021 13:08

Settling in sessions are more for the parent than the child and don’t really help that much with settling in my experience. Once they start going for full days they soon settle. For various reasons my youngest didn’t do any settling in sessions and started full time. He was fine. I found it hard, but it’s always hard when you leave them. Send him, go back to work and be thankful you have a job!

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