To not send DC to nursery if I can’t attend the settling in session

[sanpelly]

DS Is due to start nursery on the 3rd March whilst I return to work 3 days a week.

He will be just over a year old when he starts.

I spoke to the nursery this morning as we need to arrange some settling in sessions.

The nursery have advised that due to the current lockdown they are not allowing parents to attend and a member of staff will instead collect DS at the gate and take him for the settling in sessions.

I’m really not comfortable with this. Due to the pandemic and restorations, DS has never spent any time away from me.
He’s never been “looked after” by anyone other than me or DH.
He hasn’t even played with any other babies.

DH said it’s fine for him to have the sessions without us but I’m just not comfortable to let a stranger take him and put him in a new environment without having me or DH there.

They don’t know when they will be able to allow me to attend but have said once lockdown eases they will rethink their policy.

Im considering asking work if I can take some leave for a few weeks and delay my start date in hope that by mid March they will allow me to attend.

AIBU? Should I send him to settle in without me?

I've worked in early years for a couple of decades.

IME settling in sessions were so difficult as it's confusing for the child to have a parents for a bit and then leave. It usually lengthened the time a child took to settle. Understandably the parents feel anxious and then the child picks up on it.

To me it's like taking a plaster off slowly vs ripping it off, it's just easier on everyone to speed up the process. Distracting is much easier with no parents.

We had new children start in 2020 and it was so much easier.

It isn't this current tighter lockdown, if they are anything like my school they won't have allowed parents onsite since March and won't be about to anytime soon.

I agree with a PP that the settling in is more for the parent than the child. Nurseries are used to children being away from their parent often for the first time, the settling in won't make much a difference. As you have seen inside previously and were happy with it I would still put them in nursery.

My dd started nursery at 10 months (before COVID) but I still didn’t stay for her sessions. She was absolutely fine. I wouldn’t delay, by mid March you still won’t be allowed in as things will in no way be back to normal.
By the way my dd is now 2 and keeps asking to go to nursery on the days she’s at home because she loves it. I wouldn’t change her going there for anything

I’ve never attended a settling in session at any setting with my kids
Hand over and run is the standard and they are very experienced at supporting the child in a new setting
The first session is usually quite short

They won’t let you in in a month from now or two months of probably three months based on how things currently are you can’t just stay off indefinitely can you?

It's no good strangers telling you your child will be fine ( he will! ) but if you have to work he has to go to childcare. If you can afford not to work stay home and look after him , that's totally your choice.
I totally understand your concerns 100% , every mum would feel the same , but these are different times

None of my kids were ever left with anyone at that age, that's not a covid thing. Could they so a meet and greet elsewhere so the face is familiar?

My lg started nursery in October at nearly 8 months old. It's easy to say now but I think handing over at the door meant that she settled far better. It's very brief as there's usually a queue for drop off but the staff have been incredible. They're more than happy to have a chat on the phone or via the app - it's all about limiting face to face contact. DD loves it and I'm happy they're doing all they can to keep everyone safe.

@Brunt0n

One of the worst thing you can do as a parent is project your own anxieties on to your kids...

I’m not projecting my anxieties onto my son.
His feelings and happiness are important to me (I’m sure all parents feel this way) and i don’t want him to just be thrown into the deep end being handed over to a masked stranger and taken to a room where he doesn’t recognise anyone.
Even if there are toys and other children, he will still be in unfamiliar surroundings and with strangers.

@hayleysmiles

YABVU why do you think that you deserve special treatment?

I haven’t suggested that I deserve any sort of special treatment 🤷🏻‍♀️
I don’t feel comfortable sending my son to a nursery if I can’t attend the settling in session with him.

My dd started nursery at 9 months. Lockdown happened when she was 14 months. Nursery then closed down and the only nursery I could find which could accommodate my days wouldn't let me view it as it was right through the middle of lockdown. Her settling in session was supposed to be one hour with me in the garden but it was hammering down with rain and so we had to end the session after 15 mins. Second session was also chucking it down so she just went in with her keyworker. To date I've never been inside the nursery and have only seen the inside via pictures. My dd is fine, it took a couple of weeks to settle but she loves it now.

Of course YABU and ridiculous, what difference will it make to your child? My son (13months) started nursery 2 weeks ago after 3 settling in sessions (none of which I was present for) and has absolutely loved it. It’s more beneficial to them to have a settling in session without you there, get used to being without you for a smaller amount of time before being left for a full day.

How long are the settling sessions? And how many? In your shoes I’d want 3 at least and only about an hour long. He will be upset or at least confused at first but then you come back and he’s pleased. then you leave him and come back again and he sees a pattern then again and he starts to learn that you WILL come back. I don’t think the length of time he spends there each time is as important as the going and coming back bits.

Well realistically, if you don’t feel comfortable sending him to nursery, then you’ll need to find a nanny or a childminder, or stop working 🤷🏼‍♀️

One thing I would say is, would you be happy if other babies parents were in his room to settle their children in? It sounds like your nursery are taking things very seriously and doing everything they can to stay safe and open for parents and children.

I would also say that putting children into nursery and going back to work is always a scary, anxious time for mums, but it will be ok. I’ve done varying amounts of settling in with 3 dc and I don’t really think it makes any difference in the end

It depends on the individual child, when my son started nursery (not during covid times) he screamed for his entire 45 minute settling in session, he also did the same for his one hour settling in session.

I then started attending his settling in sessions but didn’t really interact with him, we did that for about three weeks before I slowly retreated until he had short sessions without me there. He ended up loving nursery and on some occasions cried when it was time to go home.

My dd started nursery 2 years ago and i never stayed for settling sessions?? I just dropped her off and came back 2 hours later.

Why would you stay?

Its completely your choice OP, you know your little one better than anyone else. A friend of mine had to do this back in March and her DD got on great. Tbh from my experience with nursery I found 6 months was a breeze (my daughter went in at 10 months) It was actually only when she reached about 16 months that separation anxiety and odd bout of tears kicked in. I can imagine after the last year you must be super anxious and goes without saying the 1st time you are going to leave you child it is such a wrench but it does get better and you will get to know staff and the days go on. There is so many good aspects to it (interaction and developments) that this usually makes up for the negatives. Best of luck

My Ds (was 14 months) started in October. He was meant to have 5*40ish minutes settling in, with us attending the first 2, then leaving a bit the next 2, then having the whole session on his own.

I was allowed in for the first one, wearing a mask, but they give you paperwork to do to make you boring to your kid and the room more exciting - he didn't look at me for 30 minutes! My partner was going to the second one, but they said he'd settled in so well to just drop him off! So we did. Honestly me being there was, In hindsight, 100% for me, but I wouldn't insist on it given my time again.

My oldest was never left with anyone else until he went to nursery at 10mo - he was ebf, had a very rocky start to life and we don’t have a lot of family that could look after him. I had to go back to work though, so we did 3 settling in sessions - the first about an hour, where I was in the building but upstairs filling in paperwork, and the other sessions 2 and 3 hours where I’d left. I didn’t stay with him for any of these, as the staff had said it can potentially be more confusing if you’re there at first then not, so we went with handover, and quick goodbye kiss. Yes he did cry for a couple of minutes, but settled very quickly and learned quickly too that when I left him there, he got tons of attention, fun stuff to do, and I’d always come back for him. Staff had always said I could ring at any time to see how he’s doing.

Both of my children have attended nursery and I now work in eyfs setting.

Have you had a look at the guidance for nurseries? We are not allowed to have settling in sessions as we used to, with parents and child invited into a session. But there are other things that can be done, and are suggested in the guidance. You can go inside when the session is closed, for example. Have a look at the guidance and have a think about what sort of settling in activity might make you more comfortable, and request that. For example, a couple of meetings with you and your child's key worker in the garden as PP have mentioned, which is completely allowed under current restrictions.

I do understand the "they'll be fine" comments. And eyfs staff are very skilled in supporting children settling in. But I don't think I would be happy to hand my lockdown baby (or either of my 'normal times' babies) over to someone without seeing them interact with my child first. The transition is important.

Yeah maybe nursery isn’t for you right now - but can you take more time off work?
All new children starting now are lockdown babies so it’s the same for everyone !I work at a nursery and we absolutely hate taking children in at the gate it’s not what we do! But we have no choice at the moment unfortunately- but have to say the babies do tend to settle faster without the parents there - they tend to be a bit teary at handover but once they start playing with the toys and other children they settle down!

We’ve been told by the learning trust it’s unlikely we will be allowed have parents come in for a very long time - so if you are waiting to be allowed to to attend sessions you could be waiting forever

I’m confused by the comments from nursery staff saying they aren’t allowed to have parents in for settling in sessions because the government guidelines (I posted a link and screenshots on the previous page) clearly state that they can, provided they adhere to the system of controls.

My one year old has never been with anyone else either. No groups, soft play or babysitting by anyone. Started nursery this week (two short settling in sessions without me) and already happily blowing kisses (the traitor) to his key worker when he leaves.

I really don’t think nurseries will be allowing people inside and definitely not when children are there for months.

Our learning trust has said absolutely no parents allowed come inside to settle or otherwise during operational hours (ie when all the other children are there)

We are trying to get permission from them to allow even a short session in the garden area as we were doing pre Christmas! We are operating in bubbles at the moment so i don’t think having a parent join then bubble for half an hour outdoors would be a huge deal either

He will be fine