To not send DC to nursery if I can’t attend the settling in session

[sanpelly]

DS Is due to start nursery on the 3rd March whilst I return to work 3 days a week.

He will be just over a year old when he starts.

I spoke to the nursery this morning as we need to arrange some settling in sessions.

The nursery have advised that due to the current lockdown they are not allowing parents to attend and a member of staff will instead collect DS at the gate and take him for the settling in sessions.

I’m really not comfortable with this. Due to the pandemic and restorations, DS has never spent any time away from me.
He’s never been “looked after” by anyone other than me or DH.
He hasn’t even played with any other babies.

DH said it’s fine for him to have the sessions without us but I’m just not comfortable to let a stranger take him and put him in a new environment without having me or DH there.

They don’t know when they will be able to allow me to attend but have said once lockdown eases they will rethink their policy.

Im considering asking work if I can take some leave for a few weeks and delay my start date in hope that by mid March they will allow me to attend.

AIBU? Should I send him to settle in without me?

I absolutely understand how you feel, can you wait in the car park?

I have had to do th8. Like you I was upset and did shed a few tears I was back in the car.
My son is 7 months and I had never been away from him and was worried how he'd be with new people. He's been absolutely fine and always smiles when we arrive.
We started by leaving him for an hour, then 2 and next week he'll be doing 3 before starting 2 days a week.
It's really really hard but my thinking is he had to get used to me not being there and he settled much quicker than my daughter's did when I stayed with them.
However I have no choice but to return to work, if you can wait a while then do what makes you happy. Just remember it could be months before they decide it's safe for parents to attend.
I think your son will be fine and these people get paid peanuts and do it because they love the job and are good at what they do.

It’s absolutely natural to be anxious about this, but realistically unless you’re prepared to wait for quite a long time I think you’re going to just have to bite the bullet. Nurseries haven’t been allowing parents inside since March, restrictions didn’t loosen after the first lockdown. They will have had plenty of experience now in settling children in this environment now. I would ask to have a chat with them about what they have been doing to help the settling in process when parents aren’t allowed inside. My second DS started at nursery last summer and had to be handed over at the door. We settled him over a longer period than we first planned, and started with an hour, built up to two hours, half a day then a full day, based on how he was coping. If you want to get back to work on schedule, and the process might take longer, you just need to get on with it!

@RizzleDrizzle

Ok I was going to say at a year, hay there’s nothing lost by not sending him and I’m usually one that’s pretty pro nursery .

But then you say he’s not even played with other babies, well now I go he’s absolutely needs to go, the reason I’m so pro nursery is that it’s socialisation it’s children playing with children their own age.

While some kids who haven’t had that experience do fine when going to school you can pretty much tell those that haven’t when it comes to school their just not used to other children. Now yes at one school is still a while off. Which is why until I read that I said at one yeah sure he doesn’t need to start yet.

Now I sort of realise that playing with other kids might have been difficult this year, so had it not been a pandemic would you have been doing mother and toddler groups, soft play, allowing babysitters etc or is it your choice that he’s not had any of these things?

That changes my answer because is if just you’ve just not been able to do these things then yes sure delay nursery, and start him mixing with kids with you there. If it’s cos you chose not to engage well, nursery is going to be a hell of journey for you as is school.

Thing is I don’t know even after March how quickly adults will be allowed in to settling in sessions? If you need to send him to nursery for work then i don’t think you have choice

@RizzleDrizzle

Why would I choose not engage? Of course it’s not my choice he hasn’t had any of those things.
It’s because of the pandemic and restrictions.

I wrote a similar thread last year.
I'd ask them to have a couple of short times in the garden with you there (hopefully this will be ok in March) then let him go inside on his own.

OP I sent my dd (she was 11 months old) to her induction sessions for nursery on her own in June, they sent me loads of pictures of her settling in and she’s had the same case worker since she started and she was absolutely fine, in fact she didn’t want to come home. I’ve still not set foot in the nursery though but I think it’s best as she only cried this week going in as she was off for Christmas for two weeks so her routine was off. If you tell them your dcs routine for napping and other things this will help with the settling in process

I had this exact situation back in September. My daughter has now been going 4 months and absolutely loves it she's so settled. Don't get me wrong there is occasions where I'd love to see what she's up to and how she interacts but sometimes you just have to trust people. The rules are there for a reason to minimise the contacts of everyone.

I can see why you're worried but I don't think you'll be getting in any time soon, so if you need paid childcare you don't have any option really.

Mine never had settling in sessions with me there and were just fine. I am sure they are used to looking after dc and settling them. Yours will not be the 1st starting nursery under these circumstances

Natural to feel this way but realistically you may not be able to go inside come mid March. It might be months and months before they change their policy.

So you could ask your employee to give you a few more weeks but there is absolutely no guarantee it’ll have changed and judging by everything we know, it’s really unlikely.

Which leaves you with a couple of options -
Suck it up and go with what they suggest
Ask for them to do a garden introduction and settling session
Ask them to reduce the first couple of sessions to 15/20 minutes and just wait in the carpark

You won’t be the first or last parent to worry about this, it’s really upsetting but it’s not going to resolve itself overnight so unfortunately you’ll have to make a choice about how to approach it.

It’s really unlikely your baby will be permanently affected by it though. Remarkably resilient especially when they see other kids having fun, lots of toys and music etc

Nursery settling in for my 3 was never with me present. This was years ago at ages 5-9 months.

I would feel exactly the same as you- but if you need your child to go to nursery so you can work you probably don't have the choice? I don't think waiting a few weeks is likely to make much difference to restrictions. I suppose you could see if a childminder is an option as they might be more flexible?

I haven't sent my son to nursery and I think it's nonsense that it's necessary at such a young age (or that you must do softplay, mother and toddler groups etc...).
I found during lockdown taking my son to playparks helped him get used to other children and I have a friend with a similar age child I will meet for a walk now and then. He was over 1 then. I think it's useful for him to see older children playing and other people out and about- luckily it is still possible. As I have other childcare when I work he will probably only go to nursery at 3 - or maybe when he is 2 depending how things work out. If it wasn't for the pandemic myself or his dad would take him to some groups.

I don't think his socialisation pre lockdown under the age of 1 then made much difference to him -although getting out and about helped me.

I really feel for you but agree with other posters that you'll just need to go for it, and it will be fine. One small suggestion though - would the nursery allow a couple of 5 minute zoom calls between you and the key worker when you're still at home with your child? Then when it's time for drop of you call tell them that you're taking them to see xx and it might be easier?

It depends on the nursery whether they will allow settling sessions. DD started a nursery last September and they allowed a single settling session, where I could stay in the room for an hour (wearing a mask). In normal times they'd usually do 2-3 sessions.They also did a home visit with her keyworker beforehand so she was already familiar with the staff. The settling and home visit was important to her even though she'd been to lots of toddler classes/stay and play and was used to being around other children. This was when case numbers were still low though (in London) and I don't know if they'd still allow it right now - at the time they said they regarded it as important enough for the child to outweigh other risks (they've had zero cases).

My daughter started nursery in October, and similarly we were not allowed to attend the settling in sessions. It did not bother her in the slightest, and even on the second session she was excited to go! To be honest I think it was better, I was able to get used to not being with her - and enjoyed my first coffee on my own in months! It’s always going to be emotionally hard, and a big change but I don’t really think I’d have gained anything from going in with her, and maybe if I had then she wouldn’t have felt able to go off and explore!

I’m in exactly the situation and we decided against her starting. After hardly leaving my side for a year I don’t think just waving her off with a stranger would work for either of us. I was really worried but when I spoke to work about they were amazing and very understanding! Good luck x

To be honest, you are usually only there for 20 minutes or so of the first session then filling in paperwork. I did for my first, but not my second.

If it makes you uncomfortable and you can avoid it though you wouldn't be unreasonable not to. You may find the nursery can't hold the place for you though.

Hi OP

I feel for you, as i went through this last year. All i'd say is I really doubt by March things will be any different.

My LG had hers in August when numbers werent too bad and mixing was less restricted and I still wasnt allowed in. I don't think nurseries will be allowing this at any time soon.

I know it's super hard, having a lockdown baby makes it harder as we haven't been able to leave our children with anyone else

But he will honestly be fine, my LG absolutely loves nursery now!

@insancerre
Wtf? Your nursery wouldn't let someone in to service the fire extinguishers? If I was a parent of a kid at your nursery I'd think you'd all lost the plot.

I work in childcare and we didn't have parents stay pre-covid for settling but they would go to another room and watch on cameras. Is that an option from home, if they have cameras? You could also phone for updates. I'd feel the same as you but he will be ok.

Why would I choose not engage? Of course it’s not my choice he hasn’t had any of those things.
It’s because of the pandemic and restrictions*

Great and I’m sorry you took offence but I’ve seen people furiously say that people shouldn’t engage with any sort child care/toddler interest of not on here but other forums and real life, I’ve seen parents who absolutely refuse to engage.

A friend of mine got told neither her or her mother would see their niece/grandchild again because while the parents were on a cruise the little girl stayed with them for two weeks and they took her to the local toddler group. (They did continue to see her but the mother was furious and stated that the only way the little girl was allowed to see her grandparents and aunt was if they promised never to take her again)

When my god child started nursery at one, and his mother put it up on Instagram she was told it was a shame, she shouldn’t have had him if she didn’t want to look after him that everyone should keep their child at home until their 6, because 5 is too young to start school. And yes I know this what the mother saying this actually did.

Now I see your a rational person who’s been prevented by covid, but my own experience I felt I had to ask

Sorry.

I haven't sent my son to nursery and I think it's nonsense that it's necessary at such a young age (or that you must do softplay, mother and toddler groups etc...).
I found during lockdown taking my son to playparks helped him get used to other children and I have a friend with a similar age child I will meet for a walk now and then.*

I count play parks and walking with friend the same way I would soft play or mother and toddler groups just some interaction with other children

I didn’t mention parks because I was just typing what came to mind at the time.

Op said her son hadn’t played with any babies

Yours had

Your LO will be fine, it will likely be easier for them to settle without you there as during settling in sessions parents can get quite emotional and clingy without realising.

Ultimately it's your choice and go with whatever feels right in your gut but don't feel the nursery can't look after your LO without you there. This isn't going to change anytime soon and your child may never go to nursery if they don't reintroduce settling in sessions. They'll be able to do the session and call you if they're really upset and you can try again another time, I doubt it would happen though.

YABU; it will be fine.

When I took my DCs for settling in I went into the room, gave them a kiss, said goodbye see you later and left them to it. Not really that different from handing g them over at the door.

The nursery staff are experts at this and will have done it numerous times.

I understand you being stressed but don't be.