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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not send DC to nursery if I can’t attend the settling in session

142 replies

sanpelly · 08/01/2021 12:44

DS Is due to start nursery on the 3rd March whilst I return to work 3 days a week.

He will be just over a year old when he starts.

I spoke to the nursery this morning as we need to arrange some settling in sessions.

The nursery have advised that due to the current lockdown they are not allowing parents to attend and a member of staff will instead collect DS at the gate and take him for the settling in sessions.

I’m really not comfortable with this. Due to the pandemic and restorations, DS has never spent any time away from me.
He’s never been “looked after” by anyone other than me or DH.
He hasn’t even played with any other babies.

DH said it’s fine for him to have the sessions without us but I’m just not comfortable to let a stranger take him and put him in a new environment without having me or DH there.

They don’t know when they will be able to allow me to attend but have said once lockdown eases they will rethink their policy.

Im considering asking work if I can take some leave for a few weeks and delay my start date in hope that by mid March they will allow me to attend.

AIBU? Should I send him to settle in without me?

OP posts:

yukka · 08/01/2021 20:31

Op I had to do this in August, dd was 11 months and been at home for 6 months by then. I had to drop off for 3 half hour sessions then collect. The sessions were in the garden on their own as baby wasn't allowed inside the building till her actual first day.

I was a wreck.

First session dd cried most of the way through.

Second session I sent her with a clear bag that had some snack and drink, her fave teddy and I had made a little photo book of family (as she wasn't getting to see them anyway) and labelled the pictures 'mummy' daddy, grandma etc etc. The nursery practitioner said this was brilliant as she was able to go through the pictures and point everyone out and it represented familiarity. She only cried a little.

Third session I did the same, she cried when I collected her.

I was so proud of how she had handled it. Kids are so much more resilient than we think. It was much much worse for me worrying about her than it was for her.

The best thing we did for her was to carry on with the plan. She loves nursery so much and is really thriving. With all the lockdowns its the one thing she's been able to continue.

So my personal advice see if you can send in some things from home, and take a deep breath. You will both cry and you'll both get through it.

Wakeupin2022 · 08/01/2021 20:33

Really depends on the child!

I moved house when my eldest had a settle session. She was always one for taking things in her stride & no issues.

I waited in reception when DS was there & had to take him away early as he was so distraught!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/01/2021 20:35

He’ll be fine ! Humans are social
The staff are kind
Go to work

Megan2018 · 08/01/2021 20:41

We were allowed inside for our sessions in October-only 2 but I’d have refused to send DD otherwise and delayed my return. As it turned out she was fine and settled easily despite never being left with anyone due to Covid.
Don’t do anything you aren’t comfortable with @sanpelly.

Noconceptofnormal · 08/01/2021 20:47

I understand your concerns OP and my 15 month old won't start nursery until I can settle him in properly. But I'm not in your shoes, I can can delay until I need to.

I don't agree that settling in sessions are for parents not the kid. I would not continue with a nursery where this was their stance as it shows insufficient knowledge of child psychology.

The child gets used to an environment with the parent there as a safe base, which allows the child to feel safe and comfortable whilst getting used to it. It also signals to the child that you the parent are OK with him / her being in the setting as they have brought them in to the environment, rather than just being handed over at the door.

NerrSnerr · 08/01/2021 20:52

Neither of my children were lockdown babies but they'd never been left with anyone as we don't have anyone to leave them with. It took about a week for both of them and they settled.

Rubinia · 08/01/2021 20:58

My DS started with a CM in September. I was not allowed in for settling. She came out and collected him and brought him back an hour later. He'd never been left with anyone.
He had a blast! No issues at all with settling. I think he just loves seeing the other babies.
It's hard but may not be as bad as you're expecting.

Givemeabreak88 · 08/01/2021 20:59

Oh I thought it was just me! My 3 year old was going to start preschool in September gone but I decided against it as there was no way on earth I was going to hand her over to strangers at the gate that neither of us had met, nope no way! Don’t care what others do but I wasn’t going to do it, I’m a lone parent and she doesn’t go with anyone else but me so she wouldn’t have liked it either. I don’t have to send her as I’m a sahm so I decided against it. Obviously if people need to work that’s different but given the choice I decided I wasn’t happy to do it.

SnackSizeRaisin · 08/01/2021 21:09

IMO settling in sessions are really important. The child gets to know another adult before you leave them, and they have some fun in the nursery environment before dealing with the upset of being left. Secondly but equally important, you get to know the staff that are going to be looking after your child and see what the other children are like with them.

We started our 1 year old in August and were made to leave after 10minutes. She screamed non stop for 20 minutes and was very upset for quite a while afterwards. The nursery told us that this was normal and that if we wanted to use a nursery our child would cry. This didn't sit right with me so decided to keep her at home a bit longer. In November decided to try a different nursery. They were the complete opposite and in spite of being much more covid conscious in other ways, allowed 4 settling in sessions of which I stayed for at least 30 minutes of each one. It was an amazing difference - only a few seconds of crying on drop off the first couple of sessions and now after only 8 sessions she is going in smiling.

I think a lot of nurseries just don't like parents staying and are using covid as an excuse.

If you can wait a bit I would, or try a different nursery. By spring you might be able to do settling in outside at least.

pleasestoprainingplease · 08/01/2021 21:12

I took on a new little one in December, lockdown baby. Only with mum or dad and usually in the house or in the pram. Baby was handed over. I told mum I will send videos and pictures. This mum had left a month before starting back to work so she could collect baby quickly and get used to me and dropping the little one off etc. The first day I was only having her an hour, but she ended up staying 4! She was so happy and content and it was good I was getting to know her too.

Baby has been one of the easiest to settle, I've also had a two month old and a 4 month old before and also so easy, the younger they are the easier it seems to be. They like to feel safe, secure, happy, fed, warm and clean with lots of cuddles they don't know the time.

Honestly I will really struggle to do long drawn out settling in again. It's so counter productive most of the time.

My son started school in sept 20. last sept he was in nursery and all the parents could walk in and help with coats and settle kids. Honestly it made the children who were usually calm get anxious. Why are those children sad. Why does their parent/carer look worried etc. This year in reception we weren't able to settle & wow what a difference it made. All the kids just got on with it so well.

Anyway just came on to say that your baby will probably settle really well and that's is really hard for us as parents to think they will cope. But they really do. And if your little one does struggle then I'm sure they will let you know and maybe they can discuss other options.

As a previous poster has already stated, it does say in government guidelines that parents can visit settings, but I understand why some are not keen.

Goodluck

Bumarse · 08/01/2021 21:15

I completely understand your concerns as I felt the same when my DS started last year in the middle of the pandemic, he has SN and I was sure he wouldn't cope without me being there.

He was absolutely fine and didn't give a backwards glance when I left.

I'm sure he'll be just fine.

SnackSizeRaisin · 08/01/2021 21:16

The staff are kind
Go to work

Sorry but you don't know this and your child is too young at 1 to tell you. There are plenty of suboptimal nurseries out there and Ofsted cannot tell the difference. Many nursery staff are poorly trained, underpaid and inexperienced. It's your job as a parent to make sure the staff are nice. You cannot do that by handing a baby over at the door. If you know them personally or have good references of specific named staff from other parents who do know them that would be different of course.
Staff at the first nursery we went to gave up on trying to comfort my distraught toddler and left her to crawl about crying. It was heartbreaking.

Givemeabreak88 · 08/01/2021 21:18

Not all children are fine though, my son hated reception when he first started and this was before Covid, he use to scream his head off when it came to leaving him, it went on for about 6 months and I spoke to the school many times about it as they were very pushy for me to keep him there, they use to lock him in the gate and he would be screaming and crying to get to me but they insisted it was for the best. He still hates school now and would rather not be there given the choice.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 08/01/2021 21:30

I had never heard of "settling in sessions" until I read about it on mumsnet. I sent three to nursery/daycare and never hung out for days to watch them.
Pick one you like and feel comfortable with.
Tour the facility and meet the workers.
Pay the fees and drop them off. (Don'lt forget the extra diapers and wipes!)

SnackSizeRaisin · 08/01/2021 21:36

had never heard of "settling in sessions" until I read about it on mumsnet. I sent three to nursery/daycare and never hung out for days to watch them.

Presumably you are in America. Conversely in Germany the whole settling in thing goes on for weeks!

4Mongrels · 08/01/2021 21:36

I didn’t attend my children’s settling sessions as nursery felt they worked better without a parent being there.

My son was 1.5 and had only been with me and DH as we had moved areas and knew nobody.

I spent the time worrying in a coffee shop across the road (he went for two hours) but he had a ball!

Laureline · 08/01/2021 21:36

Zero “settling in” done at our nursery here in Lisbon, and my daughter loves going there, and has loved it since day 1. Her sister is 8 years older, so she’s thrilled going there every morning.

LouiseTrees · 08/01/2021 21:40

My daughter was born November last year so when she was old enough to go out we were already locked down. We weren’t allowed in for settling in. She settled in fine but then there were a couple of times the nursery had to close because a baby was sent in with Covid but had been symptomless. So I had to take more holiday then. We’ve now decided to make alternative arrangements. It was a great nursery but we just decided risk is lower if we have grandparents watch her.

Ohalrightthen · 08/01/2021 21:40

@sanpelly

I’m interested to know if the posters who have said “baby will be fine”.... Are your babies lockdown babies? My son was born right before lockdown 1. He’s literally never been left with anyone before.

DD had never been with anyone but us. We left her at nursery just after Lockdown 1, aged 10m, weren't there for settling, and she LOVED it. Nursery says they never let the parents come in for settling, it only stresses the kids out.

Ohalrightthen · 08/01/2021 21:41

@Givemeabreak88

...this is why nursery is recommended from age 3ish, because otherwise when you send them to school they freak the fuck out.

Porcupineintherough · 08/01/2021 21:52

That's a very simplistic view @Ohalrightthen unless you see the point of nursery bring to teach unhappy kids to suffer in silence. Some children are not ready at 3, some are not ready at 4, some are not ready at 5. Some are never really happy at school at all. With those unlucky few, we can make them go, we can insist they tolerate it, but we cant make them like it.

Ohalrightthen · 08/01/2021 21:55

@Porcupineintherough

That's a very simplistic view *@Ohalrightthen* unless you see the point of nursery bring to teach unhappy kids to suffer in silence. Some children are not ready at 3, some are not ready at 4, some are not ready at 5. Some are never really happy at school at all. With those unlucky few, we can make them go, we can insist they tolerate it, but we cant make them like it.

The point of nursery is to get children used to being away from home and around other children in an unstructured, more comforting setting, so that when they enter the much more structured, less play-focused setting of school, it isn't a huge shock.

PurpleMustang · 08/01/2021 22:00

I think you need to think of this another way around. Say the world was fine and you were able to attend the settling in sessions, you are saying about being there as else he will be with strangers, how long are these sessions? Realistically how much actual physical time would you be in the room with him? Presuming you would go for what 2 sessions on a morning for a couple of hours so let's say 5 hours. Thats it. Your son would of known you in that room for 5 hours. Honestly if you are trusting these people with your child there will be much bigger things that come along that you will worry about. They will have a different routine to you. Is he eating enough there? Sleeping enough there? Behaving? That 5 hours with you there will not help him. Mine had a settling in session at 2 yrs old. Never really left him with anyone beforehand. Went to work full time. I wasn't allowed in for his settling in sessions, didn't even think it odd or query it. I was in the building for a bit to start filling out info for them foe the first one and then left and went back. Maybe ask for some extra sessions for him beforehand if they can with ratios to help him get used to the routine.

Flyingwiththecanons · 08/01/2021 22:02

Givemeabreak88 · 08/01/2021 22:02

I don’t think it is much different from nursery actually in the beginning, when he first started it was only half days and that was for around 2 weeks before it was full days so plenty of time to “settle” what’s the difference between 3 and 4? Most don’t start reception full time straight away it was 9-12 here for the first few weeks, he still hated it, and hates school now even in year 2 and I don’t like sending him but he knows he has to go. I wasn’t going to put my youngest through that and luckily I had the choice not to send her.

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