To not send DC to nursery if I can’t attend the settling in session

[sanpelly]

DS Is due to start nursery on the 3rd March whilst I return to work 3 days a week.

He will be just over a year old when he starts.

I spoke to the nursery this morning as we need to arrange some settling in sessions.

The nursery have advised that due to the current lockdown they are not allowing parents to attend and a member of staff will instead collect DS at the gate and take him for the settling in sessions.

I’m really not comfortable with this. Due to the pandemic and restorations, DS has never spent any time away from me.
He’s never been “looked after” by anyone other than me or DH.
He hasn’t even played with any other babies.

DH said it’s fine for him to have the sessions without us but I’m just not comfortable to let a stranger take him and put him in a new environment without having me or DH there.

They don’t know when they will be able to allow me to attend but have said once lockdown eases they will rethink their policy.

Im considering asking work if I can take some leave for a few weeks and delay my start date in hope that by mid March they will allow me to attend.

AIBU? Should I send him to settle in without me?

Your LO will fine

With nursery settling in, even in 'normal' times you wouldn't necessarily be allowed to hang around on the premises

DC1 did nursery settling in at almost 7 months, the length of time did increase gradually but I don't recall ever being there for the duration.

Honestly, it may not be what you're expecting but during Covid times it's completely understandable that nursery does not want anybody else coming into the premises.

You could go ahead and not let them do the settling in but what will you do for childcare then? Whichever setting they are in some sort of settling in time will be required

My 4 boys have all been to nursery
Settling in didn’t involve me
My 2 older boys went to one nursery then ds2 3 & 4 went to another one as we moved so v similar settling in sessions started with an hour then 2 then a morning or afternoon until they felt they were happy settled and could cope without me. Is it not worth trying to see how your baby gets on?....

He might absolutely love it, if so they’ll tell
you and if he struggles they’ll cuddle him and make sure he’s ok until you pick him up and discuss if he needs longer to settle or not?...he may not be suited to nursery or it might just take him longer due to the e circumstances. The staff are usually very nice and professional I’ve had experience with the 2 nurseries my 4 boys and staff were always lovely and caring and the boys have good memories going. You worry the same whether it’s your first or fourth too, they are your baby.

I never attended my child's settling in sessions. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it.
I dropped her off and sat in the car whilst she tried it out.
By staying with your DC you are making it a bigger deal then it needs to be.
If you trust them to look after your child then you need to trust them with the settling in sessions too.

I think you've had an exceptionally tough start to motherhood given your DC was born right at the beginning of the pandemic. I completely get that they won't have left your side, you won't have been to groups or anything like that. This must be really hard for you.

That said, I wouldn't delay his start. What I would do is talk to nursery openly about your worries and try to come up with a plan, ie could you drop him to the garden for half an hour, then an hour. Then have the first 'settling in' away from you to only be an hour. Then build up from there.

He will be fine and he will settle, but I completely understand how you feel. FWIW I was very quickly and firmly ushered away from DS first settling in session might only remember cos I cried all the way home 14 years ago so you wouldn't normally get to linger.

I wish my DD could attend the settle sessions alone! We're all having to self isolate for 10 days before I can go in with her. Babies are very good at adapting :)

@AppleKatie

Honestly I reckon it will be easier on your baby this way.

The ‘settling’ in thing always feels more for parent than the child. (I speak as both a parent and teacher!).

It’s feels weird OP because it isn’t what you were expecting but it will be fine!

This is so true. A friend who was the receptionist at a Primary school used to say the parents, mainly the mothers, were the biggest problem when children first started school, the children picked up on their anxiety and went quickly from very excited to very weepy. She also said there were generally two types of mother, one came out in floods of tears and needed vast quantities of Kleenex and coffee, the second came out, threw her arms in the air and did a little jig of delight.

I wasn't allowed to attend settling in sessions at nursery either due to covid at about 20 months and I think it actually worked better for us. They send daily pictures on an app and she gets in the car and says how much fun she has had at nursery. I did a lot of research on nurseries in our area to settle my mind, but I still
Cried in the car driving off the first few times I left her 😕

I am a baby room manager and feel so sorry for parents at the moment. It’s so so hard on them.

What I will say, is that babies seem to be settling far quicker now than they did the old way even though the first sessions/visits are so tearful.

Give your baby something of yours to smell, like a tee shirt you’ve slept on or something. By all means delay if you can but I can’t see this situation changing this year.

@ElectricMistofelees

I’m in exactly the situation and we decided against her starting. After hardly leaving my side for a year I don’t think just waving her off with a stranger would work for either of us. I was really worried but when I spoke to work about they were amazing and very understanding! Good luck x

@ElectricMistofelees

Did you extend mat leave or take holiday?

I disagree with many PP above. Of course you're worried, your child hasnt spent any time away from you. It will be a completely new experience for them and a scary one at that. I had the exact same reservations whrn my DD started nursery in Oct. I talked to the nursery about the importance of her knowing who she was walking away with and we agreed that her key worker could.come meet us outside for half an hour or so and get to know her. And then staggered the settling sessions. So an hour that day and the next and then 2 hours etc (she started full-time the week after). Could you talk with nursery about some sort of compromise like this? It is important you're happy with the set up as your child will definitely pick up on your anxieties if you're not happy

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, OP. I had the same issue in the summer when my son started nursery. The nursery he was registered at introduced new Covid protocols that said there would be no settling in sessions and all children would be handed to a masked member of staff at the gate. I wasn’t prepared to hand my 11 month old - then at the peak of his separation anxiety - to a masked stranger.

So I looked around for a new nursery that was taking a more child-centred approach, and found one that was happy to do settling in sessions outdoors. They also allowed parents in the building before 8am (when other children start to arrive), provided you kept your distance from staff and left before the other children arrived at 8am. Those seemed like good compromises to me and I was happy with that. It turned out to be the best decision we’ve ever made - their flexible, child-centred approach to settling in is reflected in everything else they do and I couldn’t be happier with it as a setting. I guess outdoor settling in isn’t such a realistic option now, although I understand most nurseries are doing a lot of outdoor play as a Covid measure.

Anyway, unlike the summer, the government’s guidance to early years settings for the lockdown does say that parents can continue to settle new children - screenshot attached.

They cry anyway when you leave is my experience

@sanpelly I have done a mixture of things. Reallocated some leave and my employer has allowed me to work more flexible hours and we have a good understanding of what would happen if I have short notice changes of plan. They initially said "oh yes, we understand everyone is juggling things at the moment" but I went back quite firmly and said I didn't think I could look after a 1 year old and work at the same time - I wouldn't be working! Once I pointed this out they were a bit more engaged and we put lots of flexible options in place. They have been great, but I know not everyone has that.

I'm quite surprised at the number of people saying it'd be ok to leave them. Due to the last year, I have barely left her sight (not out of choice!!) so I do think it's worth trying to manage it in a balanced way. I completely appreciate all of the people saying "you're only there 20 minutes" but it is still 20 minutes that they see you in that environment reassuring them that it's ok. They may not be crying, but to be honest I know that I can distract her from crying over something fairly easily, it doesn't mean that it has stopped bothering her. I think you know your situation best and what you will both be ok with x

I’m a childminder. No parents have been in to my setting since March. Parents stand at the front door And I bring their child to them. We have a brief chat and off they go. I have allowed new parents to visit to meet me after work, but I felt that wasn’t ideal really and certainly would not have allowed them in while I was working.

This is covered in the guidance from government and I would be really surprised if you found a setting willing to let you in for settling at this time. I don’t think it will be much better by March either. Maybe by the summer? Depends how the virus goes and how quickly we get through I guess.

I think you should be seeing this as the nursery keeping your child safe. Would you be happy for other parents to be brought in to the setting while your son is there? For him to be passing things to the other parent. The parent potentially touching things that your dc is going to pick up and mouth? It’s just an extra infection source that settings really don’t need.

Sorry, just following on from my previous post - the previous screenshot was from the lockdown guidance for education and childcare settings, but I thought I’d share this screenshot is from the main guidance for Early Years settings as well. It says the same thing but with more detail.

Both documents are available here: www.gov.uk/government/publications/coronavirus-covid-19-early-years-and-childcare-closures

So you could draw their attention to the guidance.

My personal view is that a good childcare setting would a) be aware of the government’s guidance on this and b) would try hard to think of safe and effective ways to offer settling-in sessions. It raised major doubt in my mind when the previous nursery my son was registered at took the hardline approach. I see another poster has said her nursery wouldn’t even allow someone in to service the fire extinguishers - that would ring major alarm bells for me (no pun intended). Any nursery that was prepared to compromise on fire safety wouldn’t get my business!

@insancerre

I get that you are anxious but he will be fine The nursery staff are experts at what they do and will have settled in hundreds of children between them No nursery is going to let you in, I’m afraid It’s just not worth the risk to the staff My nursery has a no visitors policy and has done since March, even the fire extinguisher service man wasn’t allowed in, it’s essential visitors only, no parents, no show around. FWIW we have had loads of children start who have all settled very well

Crikey, I would have thought the fire extinguisher being serviced was essential!

Mine started back in July, under the same setup. I hated it but he did really well. He loves nursery now.

Definitely harder for mothers than the babies I think!

The settling in is for the parents, the baby just gets on with it. They'll probably cry for about 3 seconds until they can't see you anymore and then they'll be distracted by all the new things. You'll have the obligatory cry in your car, then you'll be fine.
You can call as soon as you like to check on him.
Besides which, the older you leave it the more difficult it becomes.
Give it a go, in the unlikely event the baby is unhappy you can always go and get them.

I’m interested to know if the posters who have said “baby will be fine”....
Are your babies lockdown babies? My son was born right before lockdown 1.
He’s literally never been left with anyone before.

@sanpelly

I’m interested to know if the posters who have said “baby will be fine”.... Are your babies lockdown babies? My son was born right before lockdown 1. He’s literally never been left with anyone before.

My daughter had literally never been left with anyone before either because our families are hundreds of miles away. She was fine. Your baby will be too. One of the worst thing you can do as a parent is project your own anxieties on to your kids...

My baby was born in June so we have been in lockdown most of the time and hasn't interacted with any babies or left me for any period of time.
I thought he'd be a nightmare to settle but has been absolutely fine so far.

My second is a lockdown baby and will be starting nursery in March having barely met anyone.
I trust the nursery staff. I know he will be fine.

Hi OP, my DC has just had his settling in sessions after delaying his start date for 6 months due to covid. DP and I both work from home and DC hasn't mixed with other children for nearly a year. We dropped him off at the door and he had an amazing time. You child will be fine. You can ring up and check throughout the day if you need to.

I understands your concern & have not been in the position with having a baby in lockdown. But when my son started nursery 2 years ago, he was 8 months old. I expected to be there for his first settling in session. But after going in, I was told they prefer for the child to be left alone in the room, as it helps them ease in better. So I went into another room, filled out paperwork & then he was left for an hour. On his second settling in, I literally just dropped him & went for 2 hours. I think it will be so much harder on you than your child.
I completely understand your worries, but I think the longer you leave it for them to start, the worse it will be

YABVU why do you think that you deserve special treatment?