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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How do I say no to her...

762 replies

freshmonth · 07/01/2021 23:33

Hello,
So ive name changed as this could be outing.

We have our friend coming round Saturday who works in construction, to begin some paid work for us that we've had booked for 5.5 months.

His partner has been my on / off friend for many years, since school but is very prone to snapping / arguing and kicking off at every single thing.. very petty at times.

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round.

This morning I woke up to a status on social media complaining about being alone all weekend and how selfish certain friends are not to think of her or invite her out. Floods of comments came in under her post about how 'you can come to my house hun' or 'if I didn't have covid you could come to me, always welcome. You know my views on lockdown' etc etc. Shocking to be honest. I know this is about me and my partner as we have her partner round to do the work. I didn't retaliate.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a huge paragraph text to me, saying that it's so unfair she's alone all weekend, all by herself and that she feels nobody considers her feelings.
Stupidly - and I take full responsibility for this - I said she can come too. I can't be dealing with the arguments. 🤦‍♀️

I FULLY follow the rules r.e covid, haven't broken a single guideline so far, and definitely don't plan to. I don't know what came over me in that split second and honestly as soon as I sent the message I instantly regretted it.

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

Im now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know she sees more people than I'd like to even think about, lockdown or not. Guidelines don't seem to matter to her. Her partner is very careful r.e covid and works most of the time to provide for them both with full PPE. Would wear this whilst in our home, too.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable her coming and feel a complete dick saying she could. I've just recently had a miscarriage and I'm still struggling tremendously. I didn't want the arguments and the grief from her on top of my own. Nobody knows about our loss, other than close family who have been our support..

I don't know how to say no to her. I know her argument would be 'if my partner can come it's no different me coming we live together' although this is true, we are in NATIONAL LOCKDOWN and should not be having her here.
The fines are extortionate. More than I care to think about and not something we can afford..

What do I do? I don't know how to let her down gently enough not to cause an argument. I just don't have the strength in me to deal with it right now.

OP posts:
Summersun2020 · 08/01/2021 09:55

Well done OP Flowers you don’t sound pathetic at all-easy to see how shes blindsided you, especially given your current circumstances. I would ignore any “kicking off” messages she sends and block her on social media- she sounds like a nightmare.

polkadotpjs · 08/01/2021 09:56

For what reason has she "kicked off" at you in the past? Perhaps if you told us we could support further on why she is so very wrong to behave like this and help set you free from her

Scaredykittycat · 08/01/2021 09:57

Sending hugs xx

Hopeisnotastrategy · 08/01/2021 10:02

@2pinkginsplease

I would message her back and just say she caught you off guard and the more you have thought about it the more you have decided you can’t have her over due to rules and guidelines.
This, and stick to it.
freshmonth · 08/01/2021 10:04

I can give some examples.

  • last year DP went away for work and I had longer shifts in my job at that point in my life. A close friend of mine within our circle came to stay with me for two weeks as the dogs needed regular letting out and walking, and I wasn't going to have my DP home to be able to do that. 'Friend' went BALLISTIC. I mean mad. I was driving home from work one day and had text after text after text. Got into the house and had 54 text messages asking why I'm leaving her out, why can't she stay with me with her kids, why didn't I choose her, we are going to have fun and pamper night etc without her.. blah blah blah. She got extremely riled up and some awful things were said about me and my partner. Really hurtful. I remember that day so well as I was in floods of tears, honestly I close to a breakdown and was also missing the support of DP.
  • another time she chased me and my friend up the road and all around the town we live in, because she was adamant that we were going for a meal out without her. In reality I was dropping my friend off at work as her car had a flat battery. She was tailgating me, swerving and trying to get my to pull over.

This is just two of many instances. It makes me look terribly weak, why i didn't cut her off the first time I don't know. I'm just a weak person. I don't have a backbone I don't stand up for myself.

OP posts:
lemonsquashie · 08/01/2021 10:04

She sounds pathetic. I'd say you feel unwell, cancel and book somebody more professional to do the work

violetbunny · 08/01/2021 10:06

Just block her. What's the worst that could happen? She might go and have a rant but I guarantee you're not the only one who knows what she's like (and will therefore not take it seriously).

CleverCatty · 08/01/2021 10:06

rather than getting into an argument with her - I'd invent something nasty like sickness bug.

I'd also distance myself much more from her in future - she sounds nuts - chasing you and your friend around town in a car?!

HermioneWeasley · 08/01/2021 10:07

This person is not a friend, they are at best an attention seeking drama queen, and at worst an absolute user.

Ignore her from now on. If her DP doesn’t want to work for you because she throws a step, you’ll have to find someone else, but I wouldn’t put up with it any more.

Also, I’m very sorry about your miscarriage, it’s really hard and I’m not surprised she blindsided you.

citycitycity · 08/01/2021 10:09

You need to drop her as a friend!

Darkbloom · 08/01/2021 10:13

She sounds awful OP. Have you had any reply from her yet?

freshmonth · 08/01/2021 10:14

No, no replies yet. I have a feeling her partner will wait until he's finished his working day before telling her she can't come.
She has a tendency to call him non stop and kick off at him about everything too. To the point he's stopped taking his mobile with him when doing jobs.
🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Meowchickameowmeow · 08/01/2021 10:15

She sounds seriously unhinged, like way beyond a drama queen and into psycho territory. Block her before she has the chance to send anything, stop being her verbal punchbag. She can only treat you like this if you allow it.

AvoidingNextdoorNeighbour · 08/01/2021 10:15

This morning I woke up to a status on social media complaining about being alone all weekend and how selfish certain friends are not to think of her or invite her out.

"Hi (ex)friend, when my hand was forced into inviting you to my house during lockdown to accompany your DH on a paid job, I hadn't realised you'd been calling me to fuck publicly on Facebook. Unfortunately I'll need to cancel this weekend. DH and I will find an alternative builder but I'm sure your DH will understand that his wife can't go around publicly calling his paying customers selfish etc."

And just fucking end it. She sounds like a horrible, horrible "friend"!

sunsetorange · 08/01/2021 10:16

OP I had a friend like this in high school. She was pushy, mean, self centred and arrogant. She could also be lovely at times - the lovely times weren't worth it. It was worth her wrath, if you like, to get away from the friendship. We haven't spoken in over 8 years now and my life instantly got better.

You really do not have to put up with this outside school. You are not bound to see her every day. Why are you scared of her? block her if she threatens you. You are an adult. You can tell someone you do not want to see them this weekend.

torquewench · 08/01/2021 10:17

She has kids? So would it be her and her kids coming round while her dp is working? Oh. My. God. She's batshit. You'll never please someone who's like this, so do yourself a favour and stop trying. Right now.

PatchworkElmer · 08/01/2021 10:18

Flipping heck. She’s not your friend.

saraclara · 08/01/2021 10:20

@freshmonth

I can give some examples.
  • last year DP went away for work and I had longer shifts in my job at that point in my life. A close friend of mine within our circle came to stay with me for two weeks as the dogs needed regular letting out and walking, and I wasn't going to have my DP home to be able to do that. 'Friend' went BALLISTIC. I mean mad. I was driving home from work one day and had text after text after text. Got into the house and had 54 text messages asking why I'm leaving her out, why can't she stay with me with her kids, why didn't I choose her, we are going to have fun and pamper night etc without her.. blah blah blah. She got extremely riled up and some awful things were said about me and my partner. Really hurtful. I remember that day so well as I was in floods of tears, honestly I close to a breakdown and was also missing the support of DP.
  • another time she chased me and my friend up the road and all around the town we live in, because she was adamant that we were going for a meal out without her. In reality I was dropping my friend off at work as her car had a flat battery. She was tailgating me, swerving and trying to get my to pull over.

This is just two of many instances. It makes me look terribly weak, why i didn't cut her off the first time I don't know. I'm just a weak person. I don't have a backbone I don't stand up for myself.

You and your friends ALL need a strategy to deal with her. You're not the only one who is letting her get away with behaviour that actually has me questioning her sanity.

What do the others think? Do you back each other up when she goes off at one of you? You need a collectively agreed policy on how to respond to her, really.

If she kicks off at you about this, I think (and I wouldn't normally say this) that your husband and hers need to have a conversation about her welfare (and yours). Because she's threatening you, and she honestly doesn't sound well.

81Byerley · 08/01/2021 10:21

@freshmonth Having just read your last post, I'm absolutely horrified. If she kicks off again having been told no by your husband, I would just say "I'm not putting up with your childish toxic behaviour any longer. Ask your DP if he still wants the work, and to let us know if he doesn't so we can employ someone else."
You have enough to worry about in your life without all this drama. I'm so sorry about your miscarriage, it's an awful thing to have to go through, and you're grieving.

Thehop · 08/01/2021 10:22

She’s flipping nuts. Block her everywhere. Use the brick wall @StrippedFridge posted about. Please protect yourself and be rid of her once and for all. Imagine how amazing that will feel!!

LudoTrouble · 08/01/2021 10:23

She's abusive.

She is abusing your friendship.

TechnoDino · 08/01/2021 10:25

Having read your latest update, I would try to reframe this weekend’s potential drama as an opportunity.. an opportunity to bring things to a head and draw a line. When she kicks off, block her. Don’t engage. Ever.
Her unhinged behaviour is NOT your problem.

pilates · 08/01/2021 10:26

Well done op. It will be liberating to end the friendship with her. Please look after yourself and switch off social media. 💐

SingToTheSky · 08/01/2021 10:26

She sounds absolutely awful. I hope her DP doesn’t stay with her TBH, it doesn’t sound like he’s happy with her either

YoniAndGuy · 08/01/2021 10:27

This is the end of this 'friendship' with this utter loon and you should be relieved. However, you absolutely don't have to weather any of the storm and there is no reason to, because you know that a. there is no point in any discussion, she's unable to respond as a normal person so what is the point? and b. you know you don't want her in your life.

So it really, REALLY does not matter what she texts you or what she does. You have taken yourself away, you have flown out of the pit where she's flailing about and there is nothing she can do about it. You don't have to reply. You don't have to respond. You can let her - and everyone - know via your DP that you are done and cannot handle her irrational behaviour and abuse any more and you wish her well but you'll no longer respond to her. It will only be a matter of time, I think, until other people join you... maybe even her poor DP. BUT. She can't get to you. She's been chopped off. She's gone.

Try and visualise it as something like that - it will really help your anxiety. Picture a large pit. You are all little birds, every one of you. Your DH is already perched slightly out of the pit, looking at everyone in it, slightly pityingly. Other friends and her DP are in it, but all fluttering a bit nervously and looking longingly at the edge of the pit and the blue sky. She is in the centre of course - cawing, bullying, crashing around screaming and hurting everyone else as they try and flutter out of her way and keep a 'peace' that can't possibly be kept. She doesn't have wings... the 'pit' is her and her personality and she can't fly away from it. Others, however - all of you with your little wings... you all have the choice.
Today, you have broken. You've flown up, out of the pit to sit beside your DP. He puts his arm (wing!!) around you and you join him out of the mess, both of you looking pityingly at the carnage below. And suddenly all the others start looking a bit more longingly at the blue sky outside...

Pictue that! Keep picturing it. This is what has happened. SHE HAS NO POWER. Let her respond, read the messages, then hit delete.

I don't think she's going to last long in either her relationship or her friendships.

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