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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How do I say no to her...

762 replies

freshmonth · 07/01/2021 23:33

Hello,
So ive name changed as this could be outing.

We have our friend coming round Saturday who works in construction, to begin some paid work for us that we've had booked for 5.5 months.

His partner has been my on / off friend for many years, since school but is very prone to snapping / arguing and kicking off at every single thing.. very petty at times.

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round.

This morning I woke up to a status on social media complaining about being alone all weekend and how selfish certain friends are not to think of her or invite her out. Floods of comments came in under her post about how 'you can come to my house hun' or 'if I didn't have covid you could come to me, always welcome. You know my views on lockdown' etc etc. Shocking to be honest. I know this is about me and my partner as we have her partner round to do the work. I didn't retaliate.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a huge paragraph text to me, saying that it's so unfair she's alone all weekend, all by herself and that she feels nobody considers her feelings.
Stupidly - and I take full responsibility for this - I said she can come too. I can't be dealing with the arguments. 🤦‍♀️

I FULLY follow the rules r.e covid, haven't broken a single guideline so far, and definitely don't plan to. I don't know what came over me in that split second and honestly as soon as I sent the message I instantly regretted it.

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

Im now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know she sees more people than I'd like to even think about, lockdown or not. Guidelines don't seem to matter to her. Her partner is very careful r.e covid and works most of the time to provide for them both with full PPE. Would wear this whilst in our home, too.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable her coming and feel a complete dick saying she could. I've just recently had a miscarriage and I'm still struggling tremendously. I didn't want the arguments and the grief from her on top of my own. Nobody knows about our loss, other than close family who have been our support..

I don't know how to say no to her. I know her argument would be 'if my partner can come it's no different me coming we live together' although this is true, we are in NATIONAL LOCKDOWN and should not be having her here.
The fines are extortionate. More than I care to think about and not something we can afford..

What do I do? I don't know how to let her down gently enough not to cause an argument. I just don't have the strength in me to deal with it right now.

OP posts:
StElsewhere · 08/01/2021 09:26

@StrippedFridge

Stop. Breathe. Think.

This is easy. She is a lunatic attention seeker. She WANTS THE DRAMA; she does not want to see you or to see him work. It is all about FB and the drama posting.

Give her the ultimate gift: cancel her with a short message then block her on all social media (or switch off your phone). Absolute bloody bliss for her. She can rant her heart out all weekend, wallowing in hun messages.

Her DP can hide away at yours working in peace.

You don't have to see any of it if you stay away from social media.

Everybody wins.

Everything about what this poster said is good IMO. It's the only way that will work because you need rid of this toxic person. If you send one of those waffley, "I'm terribly sorry but I've changed my mind" type messages you're giving her an "in". She'll just shoot through it and tell you not to worry, she'll be careful.... she's coming anyway. These people have the hide of a rhino. It needs to be short, sharp, the end... Block block block.
makingmammaries · 08/01/2021 09:26

Reschedule the work and tell the man his partner is making a fuss about being left alone and you can’t reasonably have her round because of the lockdown. Make it his problem to deal with her.

wildraisins · 08/01/2021 09:32

@freshmonth

Thanks all. I know I need to man up a little bit 🤣 We have a small circle of friends to which she seems to be the centre of. She shouts jump and we say how high.. it's just easier letting her do what she wants than to have to deal with the messages and phone calls. By messages; I mean paragraph after paragraph as to why we've done her wrong. 🤦‍♀️
She obviously has BPD or some other kind of emotional issue.

You know you don't have to be friends with her right? Just slowly start to disengage. She will have a tantrum, just let her. It's not the end of the world that she doesn't get her way (and also she's not a toddler!)

Meowchickameowmeow · 08/01/2021 09:34

@freshmonth

Thanks all. I know I need to man up a little bit 🤣 We have a small circle of friends to which she seems to be the centre of. She shouts jump and we say how high.. it's just easier letting her do what she wants than to have to deal with the messages and phone calls. By messages; I mean paragraph after paragraph as to why we've done her wrong. 🤦‍♀️
You know you don't have to read or engage with that shit, don't you? Wouldn't it be better to have no friends than this awful woman telling you off and bullying you?
MyCatHatesEverybody · 08/01/2021 09:34

@StrippedFridge

Find your anger. Find your agency. You do not have to take it.

You cannot stop her throwing the abuse.

You can stop catching it.

You can stop it smashing into you.

You can put a big wall between you and what she is throwing. Block her.

Make it a brick wall not a window.

It is a window if you read her messages and listen to flying monkeys but choose not to respond. That is hard.

It is a brick wall if you block her on everything and tell other people not to tell you anything at all about what she is up to. Media blackout for you. It will feel weird at first knowing she is flailing about on the other side of the wall shrieking about what a cowbag you are yet not knowing exactly what she is saying and thus unable to defend yourself. When you get used to it then it is bloody fantastic (I have nutty family members, I have had to do this).

I love this post.
Mix56 · 08/01/2021 09:36

Skipped to the end as this made me angry.
What about, 'i have now seen your sniping remarks on fb. Just to be clear, X (your husband) is coming to do some work which he is being paid for, H & I will be in another room, We are not having a party.
I have followed lockdown rules closely & see clearly that you have not.
I am afraid that you will not be able to come over, I am not going to be chatting, I am not going to allow my neighbours whispering & I cannot afford a fine, So any catching up will have to be done when this is over."

YesPleaseMary · 08/01/2021 09:36

I’d send this: “Kick off? Fuck off, more like. No fine is worth that. We are in the middle of a pandemic. Have a word with yourself.”

freshmonth · 08/01/2021 09:39

Thanks all.
I don't know why I'm catching myself sat here now in tears. I think it's just the overwhelming anxiety taking over me. I'm literally so jittery; every notification I get I think it's her.. I'm literally just waiting now.
The last time she kicked off royally at me I told her it's her last chance, I'm not dealing with it anymore so if it happens again she should be well aware of my previous warning.. I just feel so weak! 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I think the grief and emotion on top of the worry etc is just wearing me down.

OP posts:
NotSorry · 08/01/2021 09:39

@Mix56 She’s already responded

NettleTea · 08/01/2021 09:40

If she 'kicks off' I would be tempted to get your DP to question the husband about whether he actually wants the huge amount of work you are offering him

when his wifes behaviour comes down to him potentially losing what sounds like a fair bit of income, he might put a stop to it.

Im certainly not somebody who would suggest 'man - sort your woman out' in normal circumstances, but given she is queen bee in your group it may be better for the other relationships there if you dont feel able to confront her directly, and a precident has already been set by your DP asking him not to bring her - it would simply be a follow on to that. If she kicks off, your DP may well feel that its not worth getting him to work if it has repercussions for you

crosspelican · 08/01/2021 09:40

You have done the right thing and you know it. If she is running your social life with her mood swings and poor behaviour, it’s time to get yourself on bumble and make some new friends - she’s just not worth your time.

highheeledhattie · 08/01/2021 09:41

I'm so sorry for your loss and understand why it seems even harder to stand up to this person. Lots if good support and suggestions already given so I'll just add that nobody can make us feel bad without our permission. No need to explain or excuse, keep it personal and repeat if necessary ." I dont want social visits during Covid". "please don't talk to me like that; as I said etc."
If you think your (future) social life will be affected, you're right. It will be - for the better! Look after yourself, you've been through a difficult time.

Minky37 · 08/01/2021 09:42

I had a ‘friend’ many many moons ago who was like this. It has a horrible dynamic- everyone dancing to her tune, stupid childish arguments non stop- real playground stuff.
Eventually I had enough, and stood up to her after one incident / perceived slight against her. I treated her to a taste of her own medicine.
Guess what? Some of our joint friends backed me as they were sick of her antics too. The friendship group was never the same but I was finally liberated from her, and didn’t have to put up with her shit anymore.
It was 100% worth it!

crosspelican · 08/01/2021 09:43

And I would definitely not respond to any more messages from her. She feeds on drama so don’t give it to her. You’re having a hard time anyway, so for once I would suggest letting your husband deal with it.

thecatfromjapan · 08/01/2021 09:44

@StrippedFridge

That is an amazing post.

Not just relevant for this poster and this particular problem - but for many of us.

OP - take care & hope this year brings you all the things you need. 💐

CheetasOnFajitas · 08/01/2021 09:44

Have you turned off social media? Is there any reason you need to keep it on today? I know that she can still contact you directly but if “every notification” is giving you the jitters, do something to reduce the notifications.

GingerNorthernLass · 08/01/2021 09:45

I think you have to ask yourself are you really so desperate for friends that you have to dance to their tune to prevent them from 'kicking off' or 'inviting themselves'?

She sounds like a bloody pain in the arse. There is no way on earth I would be entertaining her and if that meant cutting ties with her bloke doing the work then so be it.

NotSorry · 08/01/2021 09:46

In the short term - look for some soothing anxiety videos on youtube - they really do help

CheetasOnFajitas · 08/01/2021 09:48

Agree. What’s the worst that could happen here? You fall out and never speak again. Win. She gives you nothing.
Maybe her husband stops doing your work. Whatever. Other tradespeople are available.

Her husband and your DP fall out? That’s your DP’s lookout, he supported you in this.

Seriously, there is no outcome here that is bad enough to be worth worrying about.

RandomMess · 08/01/2021 09:49

You and DH take yourselves off for a walk at the weekend (I know you've already cancelled her coming).

Take some lovely photos and make it a day to think about your recent loss etc. If you feel up to it you can even put a post up about remembering what "should have been" etc then she will look the complete bullying cow that she is Angry

Thanks
SmellyPooHead · 08/01/2021 09:49

I'm embarrassed for her. Ignore any messages, you will only be feeding her what she wants
Sometimes we just find ourselves in these situations, don't feel bad
I'm sorry for your loss, you need to concentrate on you a the moment, not her petty insecurities

Carysmatthews · 08/01/2021 09:50

@sbhydrogen

Hey Friend,

I've been thinking about the lockdown, Covid transmission rates and social distancing. I know I invited you over as you'd be otherwise on your own over the weekend, but to be honest, I'm nervous. Your DP is going to be wearing full PPE whilst doing the work and we're going to be staying out of his way. We've not done any inside socialising, and I'm really uncomfortable. I want to be able to invite you over, but until this is all over, I'm going to retract my offer. I'm sorry! I hope you understand. Let's meet up when it's safe to do so.

Yours ever,

freshmonth

This. You’re not stuck between anything. The more people carry on as normal the longer this shit show will go on for.
Clappingforjoy · 08/01/2021 09:51

She cant be that lonely if she sees alot of people as mentioned in your post sounds like an attention seeker and she needs to grow up.

thecatfromjapan · 08/01/2021 09:51

freshmonth

We're in a pandemic, you've had a miscarriage, you're undertaking a lot of building work.

Of course you feel vulnerable and stressed.

This time next year, you'll feel better.

You really will. 💐💐

strawberry2017 · 08/01/2021 09:54

Sending a hug. 🤗

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