How do I say no to her...

[freshmonth]

Hello,
So ive name changed as this could be outing.

We have our friend coming round Saturday who works in construction, to begin some paid work for us that we've had booked for 5.5 months.

His partner has been my on / off friend for many years, since school but is very prone to snapping / arguing and kicking off at every single thing.. very petty at times.

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round.

This morning I woke up to a status on social media complaining about being alone all weekend and how selfish certain friends are not to think of her or invite her out. Floods of comments came in under her post about how 'you can come to my house hun' or 'if I didn't have covid you could come to me, always welcome. You know my views on lockdown' etc etc. Shocking to be honest. I know this is about me and my partner as we have her partner round to do the work. I didn't retaliate.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a huge paragraph text to me, saying that it's so unfair she's alone all weekend, all by herself and that she feels nobody considers her feelings.
Stupidly - and I take full responsibility for this - I said she can come too. I can't be dealing with the arguments. 🤦‍♀️

I FULLY follow the rules r.e covid, haven't broken a single guideline so far, and definitely don't plan to. I don't know what came over me in that split second and honestly as soon as I sent the message I instantly regretted it.

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

Im now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know she sees more people than I'd like to even think about, lockdown or not. Guidelines don't seem to matter to her. Her partner is very careful r.e covid and works most of the time to provide for them both with full PPE. Would wear this whilst in our home, too.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable her coming and feel a complete dick saying she could. I've just recently had a miscarriage and I'm still struggling tremendously. I didn't want the arguments and the grief from her on top of my own. Nobody knows about our loss, other than close family who have been our support..

I don't know how to say no to her. I know her argument would be 'if my partner can come it's no different me coming we live together' although this is true, we are in NATIONAL LOCKDOWN and should not be having her here.
The fines are extortionate. More than I care to think about and not something we can afford..

What do I do? I don't know how to let her down gently enough not to cause an argument. I just don't have the strength in me to deal with it right now.

As others have said, it’s breaking the law to have her in your home. We are in a full lockdown, it’s mad to think that she thinks she’s entitled enough to break the law when in reality (unless she is in your bubble ) you can’t even invite a member of your own family in!

I know it’s not as easy as it sounds but you need to message her and tell her she cannot come over under any circumstances. Good luck to you x

You have a cough and have to isolate in your bedroom

Bloody hell, for your own safety you need to cut all contact with her.

I'd phone her husband and cancel him and tell him the reason is because of his wife's crazy behaviour and it won't be tolerated, so as a result, he's lost work.

If he's out of pocket because he's bought stuff upfront that's his issue (amongst many others!!) to deal with.

She sounds unhinged 😬

Cancel the work. OP it's not the end of the world that you had a moment of weakness and said she could come over, but this woman is bad news. Cancel the work and find someone else to do it with the materials you have already, then no one is out of pocket. Don't let people like that make you worry so much, life's too short to have a risk of her arriving on your doorstep going batshit. Don't be ridiculous, you owe her and her partner nothing.

She's a nightmare. That's not 'kicking off occasionally' - that obsessive, controlling, aggressive and completely off the scale.

She actually sounds like she needs some help with her insecurity but that's not your problem. She will end up with no friends and no partner (unless she is happy with someone who is so worn down by her that they tolerate it). If you do feel that your friendship is about to tip over to a point of no return over this, you might as well go 'in for a penny, in for a pound' and maybe try and tell her that her behaviour is driving you away.

Explain that healthy relationships allow for space/other friendships/time alone etc and that her rage every time she is not part of an arrangement will make people not want to be around her.

She'll hate you for it, but if you are going to stop being friends anyway, perhaps give her something to mull over?

But the bottom line is that her irrational behaviour is not your responsibility. Stick to your guns and don't be stressed.

Hi,
Sounds tricky. I think it would have been better if you had sent the message but can appreciate it may have felt like too much with your recent loss and given what this “friend” is like.

You mention your always the target (can’t remember the phrase you used) but this is likely because she knows you won’t put the boundaries in place. The more she kicks off the more important it is to set boundaries 1) for a healthier relationship but 2) for your own well-being in the long term. People often confuse being assertive with being mean etc- I was raised to be nice and being nice/kind means saying yes but that’s not the case at all.

I wondered if the below might be helpful. The first retrospectively (saying no) and the second in responding if she does “kick off.” You mentioned she’s the centre of the group, if she is the same to others in the group, maybe you could all read and be unified in being assertive/less passive.

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/-/media/CCI/Consumer-Modules/Assert-Yourself/Assert-Yourself---06---How-to-Say-No-Assertively.pdf

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/-/media/CCI/Consumer-Modules/Assert-Yourself/Assert-Yourself---07----Dealing-With-Criticism-Assertively.pdf

Hope that helps and that you’re not worrying too much about her response. Worry itself doesn’t change anything-it’s the action that comes from worries that makes the difference.

Imagine how good you will feel when she’s no longer in your life.
Sorry for your loss @freshmonth

Be glad that she won't be a part of your life any more. Her DP can choose to continue to work for you if he wants.

@freshmonth

Thanks all. I don't know why I'm catching myself sat here now in tears. I think it's just the overwhelming anxiety taking over me. I'm literally so jittery; every notification I get I think it's her.. I'm literally just waiting now. The last time she kicked off royally at me I told her it's her last chance, I'm not dealing with it anymore so if it happens again she should be well aware of my previous warning.. I just feel so weak! 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I think the grief and emotion on top of the worry etc is just wearing me down.

I know it’s not easy if you’re in a circle of friends but the fact she has this effect on you means it’s a relationship that really needs to come to a close. If you have other friends you must know it isn’t normal?

Recently a friend rang up and suggested a walk that afternoon, I said yes, said I was already going for a walk with DS so we could all 3 go. Put the phone down. Remembered the rules are only meeting 1 other person outdoors. Texted friend to say I'd remembered this and that I was promised to DS first, so we couldn't walk with her. She was fine about it because she's a friend and not a lunatic drama queen!

The fact that you can't have these conversations without worrying, being so anxious, PROVES that she is not a friend. Already, she is not your friend.

I had a colleague that had similar behaviours - long ranty emails at the slightest perceived slight. I could not bear it. Fortunately, she ended up in some dramatic stand-off arguments with other colleagues and resigned.

The friendship between your DH and her DP is independent to your "not-friendship" with her. It will survive (or even thrive) you no longer engaging with "not-friend".

Say you’re going for a walk when he’s doing the work. She can meet you for a walk, you are allowed to meet one person outside aren’t you?

Well done, OP. I wouldn't be fabricating an excuse or sending a big long message. Short and to the point. Who does she think she is?!

She sounds unhinged! I wouldn’t even bother replying if she contacts you with a ranty message unless it was to tell her to fuck off and then block her. Be prepared for her turning up anyway though, she sounds like the sort that would do that.

She was tailgating me, swerving and trying to get my to pull over

She could have caused a serious accident. She could have actually killed someone - you, her, your friend.

This doesn't sound like a rational person on any level.

I don't really know how to explain it when she gets like this.
I think I've become so used to logging into Facebook and seeing status after status and pictures of different quotes that she believes relate to her life and her situation – but more times than not they are very clearly about either me or my friends all our friendship group as a whole. The other funds within our group are well aware of what she's like but it's almost like no one can actually tear her away from her as we've all known her for over 10 years.

The other friends within our group * sorry.

@freshmonth I've just caught up with your update and how she is clearly fucking MENTAL! A nasty, abusive, jealous and aggressive bitch! I can't believe she sent 54 messages ranting about you having a single friend stay at your home and pet sit instead of her and her kids! Are you not allowed friends?
And as for the erratic driving, tailgating you because you dared to have someone else in your car? I'm afraid I'd have taken a car hit for that and slammed on for "a kid you thought was going to run out into the road".

I would think that your circle of friends will get smaller by one lunatic by the end of this. If she acts this way with you, there's no reason to believe the others in your circle aren't in the same position as you. Sometimes it takes just one to stand up and say no. The rest will breathe a sigh of relief and stand up too.

Wow she sounds unhinged!
You wouldn’t accept this if it was a partner doing it so why a friend?

Honestly OP you will feel such a weight off your shoulders if you’re not friends anymore.

And if worse comes to worst and she kicks off give her hell and release all of those pent up feelings on her.

Give her the ultimate gift: cancel her with a short message then block her on all social media (or switch off your phone). Absolute bloody bliss for her. She can rant her heart out all weekend, wallowing in hun messages.

Actually this. Block her she will hate that!!

She is definitely unhinged. I know it's awful of me and belittling too, but I have come to the decision recently that it's easier to get along with her than it is not to. I know what she's capable of and the things she does. It's awful.
I feel like I'm in catch 22.

Geeze - if someone sent me 54 text messages they would be getting a visit from the police and a "cease and desist" from my lawyer threatening legal action for harassment.

I dont do txting. If I get an email message I dont want to deal with there are ways to bounce it back as a "mail transmission error". Eventually they get fed up. Is there no way to do this with txts?

OP, we are in covid times so you have the perfect excuse!!

Only tradesmen are allowed to work indoors, and that too with all protective measures taken. That is all you need to tell her. No one else is supposed to be meeting indoors.

This is ridiculous that you are so scared of her that you are considering breaking rules to not incur her anger.

It does not have to be a complicated message. "Hi X. I know I offered for you to come over on x day. But the rules are being taken very seriously in my neighbourhood this time. We are only allowed to have tradesmen indoors, no one else. I'm sure you wouldn't want to get me in trouble with neighbours or the police, so thank you for understanding that we can't now have you over. Take care X"

What makes her your “friend”