How do I say no to her...

[freshmonth]

Hello,
So ive name changed as this could be outing.

We have our friend coming round Saturday who works in construction, to begin some paid work for us that we've had booked for 5.5 months.

His partner has been my on / off friend for many years, since school but is very prone to snapping / arguing and kicking off at every single thing.. very petty at times.

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round.

This morning I woke up to a status on social media complaining about being alone all weekend and how selfish certain friends are not to think of her or invite her out. Floods of comments came in under her post about how 'you can come to my house hun' or 'if I didn't have covid you could come to me, always welcome. You know my views on lockdown' etc etc. Shocking to be honest. I know this is about me and my partner as we have her partner round to do the work. I didn't retaliate.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a huge paragraph text to me, saying that it's so unfair she's alone all weekend, all by herself and that she feels nobody considers her feelings.
Stupidly - and I take full responsibility for this - I said she can come too. I can't be dealing with the arguments. 🤦‍♀️

I FULLY follow the rules r.e covid, haven't broken a single guideline so far, and definitely don't plan to. I don't know what came over me in that split second and honestly as soon as I sent the message I instantly regretted it.

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

Im now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know she sees more people than I'd like to even think about, lockdown or not. Guidelines don't seem to matter to her. Her partner is very careful r.e covid and works most of the time to provide for them both with full PPE. Would wear this whilst in our home, too.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable her coming and feel a complete dick saying she could. I've just recently had a miscarriage and I'm still struggling tremendously. I didn't want the arguments and the grief from her on top of my own. Nobody knows about our loss, other than close family who have been our support..

I don't know how to say no to her. I know her argument would be 'if my partner can come it's no different me coming we live together' although this is true, we are in NATIONAL LOCKDOWN and should not be having her here.
The fines are extortionate. More than I care to think about and not something we can afford..

What do I do? I don't know how to let her down gently enough not to cause an argument. I just don't have the strength in me to deal with it right now.

Block her. And stop caring what she thinks

No matter what it's me that gets the abuse hurled at me so I'm kind of just waiting for it now..

Why would you have someone in your life like this? I just don't get it.

Please don’t fabricate an excuse. Government restrictions already give you very clear advice.
Hi friend, I know you will be disappointed, but I’m now regretting my invite to you to come over. The very serious news about the new covid strains absolutely prevents any social mixing now and we want to act responsibly for all our sakes. Also, just want to reassure you that we will prepare the area your husband will be working in, to make sure it’s covid safe for him. Sorry for the mix-up. See you some other time when things are better.

This isn’t about COVID or the rules it’s about her being an entitled bitch!

Please stop being friends with her OP. You can use COVID as an excuse for now and if she kicks off that’s a good way to end the friendship. Her partner will need the work so if she kicks off too much message him and say it’s not worth the drama for him to come to yours and she will either pipe down or you can get someone else to do it.

It’s his job FFS why does his partner need to come. I’m fuming on your behalf op.

V pathetic that a grown woman is embarrassing herself like this.Im glad your dp sent the text.

Please block her. She adds nothing to your life. The more you let her walk all over you the more she will do it.

Better would have been for you to send it as tbh it makes you look weaker to get your DP to do it for you, but at least it’s done now.

If she hurls abuse at you she is not a friend and you should think about cutting her out of your life. What does she bring to it? She sounds vile.

Just block her OP. You don't need the added stress of a self-centred, bratty bully who thinks it's okay to kick off to get her own way or post about people on Facebook.

She doesn't care about your feelings so it's time you stopped caring about hers.

Block her. It is not obligatory to be friends with your DP's friend's partners. Especially when they're complete dickheads.

Well you can block her so that there's no backlash from her.

If her partner starts then cancel the work!

Do you really want to be friends with someone this incredibly stupid who kicks off non stop?
I’m afraid you need to toughen up and tell her to do one. She sounds like an enormous pain in the arse.

Just say it's already caused arguments in your house, it's against the rules and suggest she messages bojo instead.

What actually ties you to this woman?

Her DP is friends with yours. They can still be friends. Back out of it. You two don't ever need to be friends (and frankly if her DP has access to her social media I don't think he can be surprised)

I'm with the hide option on Facebook (not up to speed on this so maybe someone can correct me) where you don't block (as she'll see and kick off...) but hide her profile. She thinks she's getting to you. But you can't see a thing.

Ordinarily I'd go with block and sod off option. But as your partners are friends that might make things worse and somehow you'll end up being the bad guy. (You're not. Honestly. She's a bully)

Look after yourself. Sorry you've had such a rubbish time lately. Sod it I know it's very un mumsnet but have a hug from me

Getting rid of her and just letting her dp do the work he’s booked in for will be such a weight off your shoulders!

LET her kick off, it gives you a green light to tell her you’re done with her drama and to leave you the fuck alone and then block her.

Thanks all. I know I need to man up a little bit 🤣 We have a small circle of friends to which she seems to be the centre of. She shouts jump and we say how high.. it's just easier letting her do what she wants than to have to deal with the messages and phone calls. By messages; I mean paragraph after paragraph as to why we've done her wrong. 🤦‍♀️

Find your anger. Find your agency. You do not have to take it.

You cannot stop her throwing the abuse.

You can stop catching it.

You can stop it smashing into you.

You can put a big wall between you and what she is throwing. Block her.

Make it a brick wall not a window.

It is a window if you read her messages and listen to flying monkeys but choose not to respond. That is hard.

It is a brick wall if you block her on everything and tell other people not to tell you anything at all about what she is up to. Media blackout for you. It will feel weird at first knowing she is flailing about on the other side of the wall shrieking about what a cowbag you are yet not knowing exactly what she is saying and thus unable to defend yourself. When you get used to it then it is bloody fantastic (I have nutty family members, I have had to do this).

Blame your neighbours and say you heard one neighbour reported another and you don't want her or you to get in trouble.

Gosh you poor thing, to feel so bullied by this alleged friend. I’ve never actually ghosted someone in real life but it might be best to just block her if she starts getting shitty. If she does send you a nasty text, i do think it’s a terrible idea to get in a text back and forth. Try speaking to her on the phone and listening to how she’s feeling - maybe she’s feeling vulnerable and anxious - but if she can’t extend the same courtesy to you then she’s not a friend. Don’t let her make you feel like you’re in the wrong. You’re not!

You can unfollow her on Facebook if you don't want to block her.

When she inevitably kicks off, just don't respond.

You'll just feed into her entitlement if you apologise or pander to her.

Wow she sounds horrible!
Sorry you're feeling fragile OP, do take care of yourself and not give her any headspace.

Honestly Op, it may not feel like it but you're in a good position with this 'friend'. It sounds like you don't even like her - and why would you, she's a manipulative cow! It should be so much easier being blunt with someone you aren't arsed about losing. With people like this I always think 'they don't give a shit about my feelings so I'm not gonna tie myself in knots caring about theirs' - I wouldn't bother with excuses, just be straight, what is the very worst she can do?

If she sends you abuse just reply with 'I felt backed into a corner when I said yes, but after your last message ('kick off') I realised I don't actually care about upsetting you so 🤷🏻‍♀️' Then block her, on everything. She's no friend of yours, kick the mouthy princess out of your life, it'll feel amazing

Look after yourself, I'm sorry you're going through a very tough time - start thinking of you and forget her

She didn’t want to “kick off”. Honestly in would end this friendship first off then cancel the work and get someone else to do it. She sounds like hard work OP.

Just block her if she starts.
You hate her anyway and I can see why. She sounds utterly mad from your description of her.
Writing crap on Facebook, paragraphs of insults.
I mean who wouldn't delete her.