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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How do I say no to her...

762 replies

freshmonth · 07/01/2021 23:33

Hello,
So ive name changed as this could be outing.

We have our friend coming round Saturday who works in construction, to begin some paid work for us that we've had booked for 5.5 months.

His partner has been my on / off friend for many years, since school but is very prone to snapping / arguing and kicking off at every single thing.. very petty at times.

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round.

This morning I woke up to a status on social media complaining about being alone all weekend and how selfish certain friends are not to think of her or invite her out. Floods of comments came in under her post about how 'you can come to my house hun' or 'if I didn't have covid you could come to me, always welcome. You know my views on lockdown' etc etc. Shocking to be honest. I know this is about me and my partner as we have her partner round to do the work. I didn't retaliate.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a huge paragraph text to me, saying that it's so unfair she's alone all weekend, all by herself and that she feels nobody considers her feelings.
Stupidly - and I take full responsibility for this - I said she can come too. I can't be dealing with the arguments. 🤦‍♀️

I FULLY follow the rules r.e covid, haven't broken a single guideline so far, and definitely don't plan to. I don't know what came over me in that split second and honestly as soon as I sent the message I instantly regretted it.

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

Im now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know she sees more people than I'd like to even think about, lockdown or not. Guidelines don't seem to matter to her. Her partner is very careful r.e covid and works most of the time to provide for them both with full PPE. Would wear this whilst in our home, too.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable her coming and feel a complete dick saying she could. I've just recently had a miscarriage and I'm still struggling tremendously. I didn't want the arguments and the grief from her on top of my own. Nobody knows about our loss, other than close family who have been our support..

I don't know how to say no to her. I know her argument would be 'if my partner can come it's no different me coming we live together' although this is true, we are in NATIONAL LOCKDOWN and should not be having her here.
The fines are extortionate. More than I care to think about and not something we can afford..

What do I do? I don't know how to let her down gently enough not to cause an argument. I just don't have the strength in me to deal with it right now.

OP posts:
freshmonth · 08/01/2021 21:27

Thank you. I'm still out on my bloody 'drive' it's nice to just be alone. I just needed some time I think. I feel like a jumble of emotions. I don't think my anxiety has ever been this bad. She's been and done much worse to me in the past. It's strange how this has been the final straw.

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 08/01/2021 21:29

Just read the whole thread.

I can't even.

Siennabear · 08/01/2021 21:30

You sound like such a nice person. You’re doing the right thing.

freshmonth · 08/01/2021 21:31

@Siennabear thank you, I literally put everyone before myself, I always have. I think in a way it's a bit of a downfall. X

OP posts:
Throckmorton · 08/01/2021 21:33

Hugs. The anxiety will subside, Hang on in there and it will pass. If she carries on sending abuse your way, get her blocked on everything and involve the police if it carries on.

BlueThistles · 08/01/2021 21:34

End this hideous friendship forever... for your health 💕

polkadotpjs · 08/01/2021 21:35

You'll be processing all the old stuff too. Would it help to get it out? You will be ok. You really will

Weenurse · 08/01/2021 21:37

💐☕️

freshmonth · 08/01/2021 21:38

Yes, I think the thing is I've got so much swimming around my mind, it's like I can't switch off.
Like I said, she's been and said worse to me than this. I don't know if this is just the straw that broke the camels back.. xx

OP posts:
WaltzesWithSnobs · 08/01/2021 21:40

Friends should add to your life. All she adds is misery! She is no friend and you don't owe her anything.

CottonHeadedNinyMuggins · 08/01/2021 21:47

If she comes to the house call the police to remove her - not just for covid reasons but for the harassment. If you band together as a group of friends she can't come back from that and being avoided by all of you (and you all keeping each other strong as a group ) means that she'll find some other poor sucker to cling onto soon.

Doesn't mean your partner and hers have to stop being friends. if nothing else it might give him the strength to let her go too - sounds like he wants to.

ginandvomit · 08/01/2021 21:49

Gosh what a horrible situation. I'm very sorry for to urn loss.
I'm so pleased you and am your DH stood up to her despite the anxiety and repercussions. Hopefully this is it now, stay strong you've don't absolutely nothing wrong. Who know maybe she'll finally work out SH e can't treat you like this anymore.

baubled · 08/01/2021 21:49

Is she still going on?

ginandvomit · 08/01/2021 21:49

*your

Lovebug06 · 08/01/2021 21:51

You have done really well op. She is not a friend at all. Friends do not act or make you feel like this. Your being strong, keep it up, you will feel so relieved and free when she's out of your life. She knows she can treat you this way as she has, but by standing your ground you are taking the first step.

Sarahlou63 · 08/01/2021 21:53

I know it feels huge now, but try to look forward - one month, one year, ten years. The actions you've taken today will free you from this toxic 'friendship' for the rest of your life. She has no power over you now. Keep repeating that to yourself.

freshmonth · 08/01/2021 22:12

Yes just trying to look forward now. She's strangely quiet at the moment.. obviously can't get through to me but my DP has not had anything from her either, which is a nice change.
Just got a horrible feeling she sill be an absolute nightmare tomorrow.

OP posts:
Mif4 · 08/01/2021 22:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig · 08/01/2021 22:19

It’s almost like being in a controlled relationship without even living together.

BlueThistles · 08/01/2021 22:20

Nobody should be responding to her... she's a manipulative dangerous bully who will cost her Partner work ... 🌺

chiatta · 08/01/2021 22:25

Is the work essential? You could cancel it till the lockdown is over

Ginfordinner · 08/01/2021 22:27

Why hasn't your DP blocked her as well?

hayleysmiles · 08/01/2021 22:29

The less you give to her, the sooner she'll get bored

freshmonth · 08/01/2021 22:39

Oops sorry should have been clearer. Both DP and I have blocked her but she's been trying to contact my partner via her DP's phone.

OP posts:
imalmosthere · 08/01/2021 22:42

@freshmonth

Oops sorry should have been clearer. Both DP and I have blocked her but she's been trying to contact my partner via her DP's phone.
Jesus Christ- if she messages again, threaten to call the police for, firstly harassment, And secondly, blatant disregard for Lockdown rules. She is a nutter
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