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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How do I say no to her...

762 replies

freshmonth · 07/01/2021 23:33

Hello,
So ive name changed as this could be outing.

We have our friend coming round Saturday who works in construction, to begin some paid work for us that we've had booked for 5.5 months.

His partner has been my on / off friend for many years, since school but is very prone to snapping / arguing and kicking off at every single thing.. very petty at times.

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round.

This morning I woke up to a status on social media complaining about being alone all weekend and how selfish certain friends are not to think of her or invite her out. Floods of comments came in under her post about how 'you can come to my house hun' or 'if I didn't have covid you could come to me, always welcome. You know my views on lockdown' etc etc. Shocking to be honest. I know this is about me and my partner as we have her partner round to do the work. I didn't retaliate.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a huge paragraph text to me, saying that it's so unfair she's alone all weekend, all by herself and that she feels nobody considers her feelings.
Stupidly - and I take full responsibility for this - I said she can come too. I can't be dealing with the arguments. 🤦‍♀️

I FULLY follow the rules r.e covid, haven't broken a single guideline so far, and definitely don't plan to. I don't know what came over me in that split second and honestly as soon as I sent the message I instantly regretted it.

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

Im now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know she sees more people than I'd like to even think about, lockdown or not. Guidelines don't seem to matter to her. Her partner is very careful r.e covid and works most of the time to provide for them both with full PPE. Would wear this whilst in our home, too.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable her coming and feel a complete dick saying she could. I've just recently had a miscarriage and I'm still struggling tremendously. I didn't want the arguments and the grief from her on top of my own. Nobody knows about our loss, other than close family who have been our support..

I don't know how to say no to her. I know her argument would be 'if my partner can come it's no different me coming we live together' although this is true, we are in NATIONAL LOCKDOWN and should not be having her here.
The fines are extortionate. More than I care to think about and not something we can afford..

What do I do? I don't know how to let her down gently enough not to cause an argument. I just don't have the strength in me to deal with it right now.

OP posts:
diddl · 08/01/2021 19:57

If you've blocked her, how can she be "kicking off"?

Your OH needs to deal with it without telling you all the details.

combatbarbie · 08/01/2021 19:58

Embrace the empowerment.... Its what freedom feels like 👌

Ginfordinner · 08/01/2021 20:02

@freshmonth

Thanks all, I really didn't expect so many lovely messages. I feel empowered, not something I've ever felt before. Thanks to all of you. ❤️
I hope the power of mumnet has shown you that you can manage without nutcases like her in your life.

Onwards and upwards Flowers

Ginfordinner · 08/01/2021 20:03

mumsnet

Throckmorton · 08/01/2021 20:06

Big hugs. I had to cut someone out of my life once (and they looked like a saint compared to your lunatic!) and although it was horrifically hard, my god it was worth it for the peace that followed! Basically, stand firm and deep breaths and know that you've done the hard bit - you just need to wait it out now.

BearFoxBear · 08/01/2021 20:18

Wow, this is abuse. You need to end your relationship with her in no uncertain terms. I know it seems hard but it will be best in the long run.

I had a 'friend' like this. She ruined my hen do, then spent my wedding day crying and trying to drag me away from my day to cry about being single. Er, no wonder! This was the culmination of several years of shit and I saw red, cut her off entirely (got all the abuse for it) and years later she still tries to reconnect occasionally.

I feel a hell of a lot better without her in my life. You will too.

And I'm sorry for your loss. I've been there and know how hard it is x

Sunnysideoftheshite · 08/01/2021 20:25

Screenshot everything !!

Purplethrow · 08/01/2021 20:35

She sounds seriously unwell, how can she kick off like this and still expect to come round Confused .
Stand firm Op , I feel sorry for her partner.

toocold54 · 08/01/2021 20:40

She sounds seriously unwell, how can she kick off like this and still expect to come round

I agree.
Either she’s seriously unhinged or when she throws her toys out the pram she ends up getting her own way.
Probably a bit of both.

AndAPartridgeInABearTree · 08/01/2021 20:41

It will be shit to start with but think of today as the first day of your life without her in it. How does your chest feel when you think like that? If she is making you physically unwell she needs cutting out of your life.

MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig · 08/01/2021 20:41

Jesus wept. I’ve just read most of this with my mouth hanging open. What is she, eight years old? This is bloody ridiculous, she’s a grown woman acting like a spoiled brat!

For gods sake keep her blocked on everything. Please don’t feel curious enough to see what she’s said, it will only upset you again. This has got to the point where it’s made you feel physically ill with the stress. I’m sorry you’ve been landed with this lunatic. Perhaps in due course when she realises she’s lost all of her friends she might grow up a bit. Flowers

ClangingChimesofDoom · 08/01/2021 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

freshmonth · 08/01/2021 20:46

@ClangingChimesofDoom I'm afraid it has.. I wish I could be making this up! I'd be a bloody good story teller..! Hmm

OP posts:
cameocat · 08/01/2021 20:52

@freshmonth well done, it will get easier.

This woman sounds like she needs help. Either that or she's been allowed to get away with it for so long that she doesn't even realise what she's doing. By not putting up with it you are helping her. She might not see it but it is true in the long run.

polkadotpjs · 08/01/2021 20:55

You are empowered now. You will be free of her. She can't want to see you that badly if she's called you a c word - and that's what you must remember. Would you tell me to suck it up and take that from someone? Nope. I'm only a stranger on the internet too!

Throckmorton · 08/01/2021 21:00

@ClangingChimesofDoom

This definitely happened!
Fucksake - if you think the OP is a troll just bloody well report it. Saying "This definitely happened" makes you look like an idiot.
Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/01/2021 21:00

Just lose her as a friend
Just say ‘this is over ‘
Then text and say say ‘you can’t come’ no explanations

reader12 · 08/01/2021 21:03

Crumbs what a loony. Well done for being brave. She’ll move on to her next victims once she sees you’re serious about not putting up with her any more, and you will feel so much freer!

PatchworkElmer · 08/01/2021 21:04

Flipping heck. You’re well shot of her!

freshmonth · 08/01/2021 21:11

Thank you all. I seem to feel okay and then come crashing down again.

OP posts:
PurpleMustang · 08/01/2021 21:11

Well done for what you have done so far. You need to put yourself first and just keep letting your DP deal with it due to what you are going through. And to be honest just be thankful you are/was her friend and not family that have less option to deal with her, although they are partly to blame for allowing her to be like this. I am assuming from what you have written that she has kids with a previous partner, God I feel sorry for that poor bloke and what he has likely been through.

BlueThistles · 08/01/2021 21:19

This is awful... she has made you physically ILL and that is a disgrace.. Flowers

toocold54 · 08/01/2021 21:19

Just remember the worse she behaves the easier it should be to want to cut contact with her.
It’s when they act nice or upset that I tend to give in. She is just proving how difficult she is to be friends with.

Misskittyfantastico85 · 08/01/2021 21:20

I hope you're ok OP, what a horrible situation. As hard as things are right now, it will get better. Flowers

polkadotpjs · 08/01/2021 21:21

Just been messaging a friend about a friend of hers she ditched for similar reasons. We were both scared of this girl but she somehow controlled us. Well no more. And I don't miss her. I wasn't close friends but my other friend was and was treated appallingly before one thing broke her

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