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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How do I say no to her...

762 replies

freshmonth · 07/01/2021 23:33

Hello,
So ive name changed as this could be outing.

We have our friend coming round Saturday who works in construction, to begin some paid work for us that we've had booked for 5.5 months.

His partner has been my on / off friend for many years, since school but is very prone to snapping / arguing and kicking off at every single thing.. very petty at times.

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round.

This morning I woke up to a status on social media complaining about being alone all weekend and how selfish certain friends are not to think of her or invite her out. Floods of comments came in under her post about how 'you can come to my house hun' or 'if I didn't have covid you could come to me, always welcome. You know my views on lockdown' etc etc. Shocking to be honest. I know this is about me and my partner as we have her partner round to do the work. I didn't retaliate.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a huge paragraph text to me, saying that it's so unfair she's alone all weekend, all by herself and that she feels nobody considers her feelings.
Stupidly - and I take full responsibility for this - I said she can come too. I can't be dealing with the arguments. 🤦‍♀️

I FULLY follow the rules r.e covid, haven't broken a single guideline so far, and definitely don't plan to. I don't know what came over me in that split second and honestly as soon as I sent the message I instantly regretted it.

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

Im now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know she sees more people than I'd like to even think about, lockdown or not. Guidelines don't seem to matter to her. Her partner is very careful r.e covid and works most of the time to provide for them both with full PPE. Would wear this whilst in our home, too.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable her coming and feel a complete dick saying she could. I've just recently had a miscarriage and I'm still struggling tremendously. I didn't want the arguments and the grief from her on top of my own. Nobody knows about our loss, other than close family who have been our support..

I don't know how to say no to her. I know her argument would be 'if my partner can come it's no different me coming we live together' although this is true, we are in NATIONAL LOCKDOWN and should not be having her here.
The fines are extortionate. More than I care to think about and not something we can afford..

What do I do? I don't know how to let her down gently enough not to cause an argument. I just don't have the strength in me to deal with it right now.

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 08/01/2021 22:43

I would just everything on do not disturb for the time being, and ignore. I would hazard a guess that her DP is having a tough time of it at home right now.

imalmosthere · 08/01/2021 22:43

@freshmonth

Oops sorry should have been clearer. Both DP and I have blocked her but she's been trying to contact my partner via her DP's phone.
And also - cancel tomorrow's work and find someone else to do it. It's not worth being involved with anyone at all from that household.
Purplethrow · 08/01/2021 22:45

What has her husband said about her behaviour?

MintyMabel · 08/01/2021 22:49

Isn't "going for a drive" against the rules of lockdown?

freshmonth · 08/01/2021 22:54

@MintyMabel a drive alone? I don't think it is?

OP posts:
saraclara · 08/01/2021 22:58

@MintyMabel

Isn't "going for a drive" against the rules of lockdown?
There's always one.
Cavagirl · 08/01/2021 22:59

Just got a horrible feeling she sill be an absolute nightmare tomorrow

OP you talk about her as if she's your young child.

She is not your nightmare anymore. The friendship is over. People have been advising you to grey rock her - I think you almost need to grey rock yourself. Grey rock that voice in your head saying she'll be a nightmare - say to yourself "oh dear, I feel sorry for her DP having to deal with that." And get on with something else. That voice saying "she's probably so angry I've blocked her" - "oh dear, that's a shame". Etc.

You're absorbing her energy into yourself. But it's hers, not yours. Deep breaths and repeat your mantra - it's not your problem. She's not your responsibility. She's not your friend. She's not your problem.

Menstrualcycledisplayteam · 08/01/2021 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wheresmykimchi · 08/01/2021 23:05

@MintyMabel

Isn't "going for a drive" against the rules of lockdown?
Yes. No one can leave their front door. Ever.
freshmonth · 08/01/2021 23:06

@Menstrualcycledisplayteam 🤔

OP posts:
freshmonth · 08/01/2021 23:06

I don't know what many of the MN acronyms mean!

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 08/01/2021 23:09

@freshmonth

I don't know what many of the MN acronyms mean!
Oh do fuck off dear.

I think it was aimed at the lockdown police not you but I could be wrong.

BloggersBlog · 08/01/2021 23:10

It means ' Oh do F off dear'

Ginfordinner · 08/01/2021 23:10

I hope the drive helped @freshmonth, and ignore Menstrualcycledisplayteam.

Whatamesssss · 08/01/2021 23:11

@freshmonth

I don't know what many of the MN acronyms mean!
ODFOD = Oh do fuck off dear (I think it was directed at minty, who seems to have unique opinions on MN)

I had a friend like this but not as bad. It is awful and it is an abusive relationship. It will take time to get over it, give yourself time.

Flowers
Ginfordinner · 08/01/2021 23:11

Sorry that was if she was saying that to you. If not I apologise @Menstrualcycledisplayteam.

Menstrualcycledisplayteam · 08/01/2021 23:12

It was aimed at the lockdown police; I'm so sorry, OP! That'll bloody teach me not to be a smartarse!

Goldieloxx · 08/01/2021 23:12

Just be honest and uninvite her, she sounds like a crap friend anyway

Wheresmykimchi · 08/01/2021 23:12

@Menstrualcycledisplayteam

It was aimed at the lockdown police; I'm so sorry, OP! That'll bloody teach me not to be a smartarse!
We got you Flowers
freshmonth · 08/01/2021 23:12

@Menstrualcycledisplayteam don't be at all! Not a problem 🌟

OP posts:
JollyHolly30 · 08/01/2021 23:15

What a piece of shit kinda post @MintyMabel

She's in her own car, alone, for fuck sake.

Menstrualcycledisplayteam · 08/01/2021 23:18

And to give a bit more of a substantive answer, I completely understand your reaction. My husband is part of a group who have been friends for donkeys years. To use monkey terminology (!) the dominant female in the group is a bloody nightmare. Theres always some drama and I know that shes excluded other women and made sure that invites somehow aren't extended to them. I've never tried to join the group, I'm still very much a +1, despite being with my husband for 20+ years. I'm polite, but I dont engage. Just dont forgive the nutjob this time.

freshmonth · 08/01/2021 23:20

I think the drive was definitely needed. Didn't get out once, just went around the countryside for an hour or two. It was nice actually. Music blaring and just to be in my own headspace. I love my partner dearly, and I know he loves me just the same but sometimes I just want to be on my own to process my thoughts.. and I didn't want him to see me in that state. I'm usually very private with my anxiety and haven't ever got to the stage I was tonight, chest pains struggling to breathe etc. I know DP would be there for me but I just wanted to be on my own for a little while. It's certainly helped. Xx

OP posts:
freshmonth · 08/01/2021 23:21

@Menstrualcycledisplayteam gosh sorry you have the same kind of thing! Honestly I don't know what is the matter with some women..

OP posts:
FloorLamp · 08/01/2021 23:32

Wow she sounds crazy. I wonder what on earth her dp sees in her! If she shows up with him tomorrow I wouldn't be letting either of them in until she's gone. Hopefully he's managed to talk some sense into her.. Or leave her!

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