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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How do I say no to her...

762 replies

freshmonth · 07/01/2021 23:33

Hello,
So ive name changed as this could be outing.

We have our friend coming round Saturday who works in construction, to begin some paid work for us that we've had booked for 5.5 months.

His partner has been my on / off friend for many years, since school but is very prone to snapping / arguing and kicking off at every single thing.. very petty at times.

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round.

This morning I woke up to a status on social media complaining about being alone all weekend and how selfish certain friends are not to think of her or invite her out. Floods of comments came in under her post about how 'you can come to my house hun' or 'if I didn't have covid you could come to me, always welcome. You know my views on lockdown' etc etc. Shocking to be honest. I know this is about me and my partner as we have her partner round to do the work. I didn't retaliate.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a huge paragraph text to me, saying that it's so unfair she's alone all weekend, all by herself and that she feels nobody considers her feelings.
Stupidly - and I take full responsibility for this - I said she can come too. I can't be dealing with the arguments. 🤦‍♀️

I FULLY follow the rules r.e covid, haven't broken a single guideline so far, and definitely don't plan to. I don't know what came over me in that split second and honestly as soon as I sent the message I instantly regretted it.

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

Im now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know she sees more people than I'd like to even think about, lockdown or not. Guidelines don't seem to matter to her. Her partner is very careful r.e covid and works most of the time to provide for them both with full PPE. Would wear this whilst in our home, too.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable her coming and feel a complete dick saying she could. I've just recently had a miscarriage and I'm still struggling tremendously. I didn't want the arguments and the grief from her on top of my own. Nobody knows about our loss, other than close family who have been our support..

I don't know how to say no to her. I know her argument would be 'if my partner can come it's no different me coming we live together' although this is true, we are in NATIONAL LOCKDOWN and should not be having her here.
The fines are extortionate. More than I care to think about and not something we can afford..

What do I do? I don't know how to let her down gently enough not to cause an argument. I just don't have the strength in me to deal with it right now.

OP posts:
MzHz · 08/01/2021 19:15

Oh love.

You have the right people dealing with this, you’ve done the right thing, you will be ok.

Have you got the beta blockers yet? They will help.

Breathe lovely, just breathe

We’re all here with you, we’re all sending you calm

(((Hug)))

NotSorry · 08/01/2021 19:16

@OhCaptain

Why is she blocked on half of your things? Why not all of them?

Seriously it will feel so much better!

I think OP means she’s blocked from her end, but her DP hasn’t blocked the husband who is doing the work
OhCaptain · 08/01/2021 19:16

Ah gotcha! Thanks @NotSorry

Riv · 08/01/2021 19:17

You can do this. We're here for you. Sending strength and Flowers.
Look after yourself and let your DP and her P sort this one.

PurplePansy05 · 08/01/2021 19:22

OP, just read your posts. It sounds awful!!! Bless you. Please look after yourself now, you did the right thing. Hope she leaves you and your partner alone, her poor partner will hopefully leave her too Flowers

Whynothaveathird · 08/01/2021 19:24

What on earth....?

ChippyTea16 · 08/01/2021 19:28

Christ almighty op please for your own sanity block her on everything! All your friends and even her partner and her own family know what she is like so it’s not like you’re the only one ‘being mean’ to her (and you’re not of course!)

At this point I’d honestly be telling her partner not to come and get someone else in to do the work if it’s affecting you this badly. Tough if he loses out he should be talking sense into her!!

devildeepbluesea · 08/01/2021 19:29

Let's hope her partner sees sense after this little episode.

What I wouldn't give to have 5 minutes with her, the nasty little bully.

polkadotpjs · 08/01/2021 19:32

Please don't drive if you're in pain. There's plenty of meditation stuff on YouTube and hypnosis which is great for anxiety.
Think about it. How much does she want to come and see you as a friend really if she'll flip
Like this in a heartbeat? She wants everything her way. Well that's not life. Let her find someone else to do her bidding. You are now free. I'd get another tradesperson too tbh.

didiimaginethis · 08/01/2021 19:33

Breathe OP, you can do this, your DP has got your back. You WILL be ok. You do not need this person in your life, she is causing you actual, physical pain as well as emotional pain.
Well done for blocking her. Make sure you have blocked her on everything. Do not respond. Ignore, ignore, ignore. No response ever.
I hope you get some lovely fresh air in the car, breathe deep, breathe in and when you breathe out focus on expelling all the hurt, anger, pain, worry, fear she is causing you. Breathe that shit out. Take in deep breaths and breathe out that toxic bitch.
This weekend rest. Sleep. Cuddle with your DP. Cry. Eat nice food. Contact people who enrich your life, like family and good friends. Just to hear kind voices and see kind faces (over video call!). If I was your friend I would support you 100%. You are so strong, you can do this.

ParlezVousWronglais · 08/01/2021 19:33

This reply has been deleted

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Honeyroar · 08/01/2021 19:35

Nobody needs a “friend” that calls them a cunt and gives them heart palpitations through stress. You’re better off losing the whole friendship group if you have to rather than that stress in your life. And I’d be involving the police at this point if she is sending you both loads of horrible messages. Her poor husband!

Vitaminsss · 08/01/2021 19:36

You booked the date almost 6 months ago, how can you have sabotaged their date weekend when you booked so far in advance?

So sorry you’re going through this OP. It sounds like both your partner and hers have your back which is great.

ButterflyBitch · 08/01/2021 19:37

Sounds like her dp needs to get rid of her sharpish. She sounds like a complete cow. Keep breathing, block on everything and ignore ignore ignore

Ginfordinner · 08/01/2021 19:38

In my experience, bullies like her can never be reasoned with or talked out of their irrational behaviour. Literally the only way to stop having to deal with them is to cut them off forever more.

Spot on @whitechocolatehobnobs

Keep posting on here @freshmonth. We all have your back. I suggest your DP screenshots her crazy messages, then blocks her as well. This is not normal behaviour.

Sideorderofchips · 08/01/2021 19:42

Honestly I had a friend who made my life so difficult, gave me anxiety everytime she messaged me. She also rlwrecked my marriage but best thing I did was block her and she was a total drain on my emotionally as so manipulative and victim culture.

PerveenMistry · 08/01/2021 19:44

This is sickening. She is criminally abusing and harassing you and others.

Block her and call the cops if she shows up. Hire a different tradesman. It's too bad about your partner's friendship with her enabling boyfriend but you need to tell him it's you or them, pick now. Period.

You need to step back and see how abnormal this is. You seem like a nice person and can make loads of nice healthy friendships without this hanging over you.

Call the police.

Ginfordinner · 08/01/2021 19:45

DD had a "friend" like this in year 7, not as bad as Batshit Betty though. Things came to a head halfway through year 7, and some of DD's friends took the other girl's side.

By the time DD was doing GCSEs, the friends the other girl had drifted away after finding out what she was really like, and several girls apologised to DD for believing the other girl.

MyMonsteraisDeliciosa · 08/01/2021 19:47

She is an absolute case isn't she?!

To be honest I don't see why your partner is on the phone to hers, it just adds to the drama doesn't it? She is his problem not yours. You two only really need to know if he is coming to do the job or not, the rest is their drama.
I hope it gets resolved soon OP, I understand why you are so anxious and upset but this should be the last time you have to deal with this woman if you cut her off properly

howdoyouknow123 · 08/01/2021 19:48

Woah, I'd have a chat with police about her. You poor thing you've been through enough lately. Sending you hugs Thanks

Scaredykittycat · 08/01/2021 19:49

Sounds like her DP needs to end it and you definitely need to end this friendship!

PerveenMistry · 08/01/2021 19:53

What I wouldn't give to have 5 minutes with her, the nasty little bully.

Same here. I'm generally mild mannered but don't put up with bullshit. I'd make mincemeat of her and she wouldn't WANT to come back, ever.

freshmonth · 08/01/2021 19:56

Thanks all, I really didn't expect so many lovely
messages. I feel empowered, not something I've ever felt before. Thanks to all of you. ❤️

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 08/01/2021 19:57

Why the hell is your friend with her?

combatbarbie · 08/01/2021 19:57

I feel sorry for the partner in their relationship.... How utterly embarrassing for him!!!

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