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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How do I say no to her...

762 replies

freshmonth · 07/01/2021 23:33

Hello,
So ive name changed as this could be outing.

We have our friend coming round Saturday who works in construction, to begin some paid work for us that we've had booked for 5.5 months.

His partner has been my on / off friend for many years, since school but is very prone to snapping / arguing and kicking off at every single thing.. very petty at times.

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round.

This morning I woke up to a status on social media complaining about being alone all weekend and how selfish certain friends are not to think of her or invite her out. Floods of comments came in under her post about how 'you can come to my house hun' or 'if I didn't have covid you could come to me, always welcome. You know my views on lockdown' etc etc. Shocking to be honest. I know this is about me and my partner as we have her partner round to do the work. I didn't retaliate.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a huge paragraph text to me, saying that it's so unfair she's alone all weekend, all by herself and that she feels nobody considers her feelings.
Stupidly - and I take full responsibility for this - I said she can come too. I can't be dealing with the arguments. 🤦‍♀️

I FULLY follow the rules r.e covid, haven't broken a single guideline so far, and definitely don't plan to. I don't know what came over me in that split second and honestly as soon as I sent the message I instantly regretted it.

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

Im now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know she sees more people than I'd like to even think about, lockdown or not. Guidelines don't seem to matter to her. Her partner is very careful r.e covid and works most of the time to provide for them both with full PPE. Would wear this whilst in our home, too.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable her coming and feel a complete dick saying she could. I've just recently had a miscarriage and I'm still struggling tremendously. I didn't want the arguments and the grief from her on top of my own. Nobody knows about our loss, other than close family who have been our support..

I don't know how to say no to her. I know her argument would be 'if my partner can come it's no different me coming we live together' although this is true, we are in NATIONAL LOCKDOWN and should not be having her here.
The fines are extortionate. More than I care to think about and not something we can afford..

What do I do? I don't know how to let her down gently enough not to cause an argument. I just don't have the strength in me to deal with it right now.

OP posts:
Athe · 08/01/2021 18:44

Is all okay, OP?

Riv · 08/01/2021 18:51

Please block and don't respond! She'll just feed off your responses and try to guilt trip you. Grey rock and / or block is the way to go. And get your DP ready to call the police if she turns up. You need time to concentrate on you, to heal and rest.
She's got form, she's harassing you and currently what you are doing is obeying the law by refusing her entry into your home. (as well as protecting yourself.)
Workpeople are allowed for emergency safety work. Their partners and unnecessary visitors are not.

freshmonth · 08/01/2021 18:52

Thanks all sorry to leave you hanging, I have been to the doctors today, already had an appointment luckily - and they are wanting to put me on beta blockers as I keep having chest pains and palpitations. 😣
Her DP is on the phone to my fiancé at the moment said he hates it, feels like he can't breathe around her.

She's sent multiple awful messages to my partner both about me and also saying we are on a mission to destroy her relationship otherwise we wouldn't have booked him on this specific weekend

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 08/01/2021 18:53

I hope you’ve blocked her!

Cherrysoup · 08/01/2021 18:54

Stay out of it if your DH is dealing. Take the tablets, you have had a rough time recently. Don’t engage with this woman. She’s bonkers.

StrippedFridge · 08/01/2021 18:57

Both you and DH could block her.

DH could stop talking to the builder about the builder's crazy row with the builder's crazy girlfriend.

Step away from their insane relationship drama. You are fuelling it by being an audience.

Sideorderofchips · 08/01/2021 18:58

Let dp deal with it

I'm on beta blockers for anxiety. They do help

AbbieLexie · 08/01/2021 18:58

Leave DH to deal with any contact from her. Use this scenario as the time to make a clean break from her. Flowers

BritishIdiot · 08/01/2021 18:59

Op quite frankly she sounds unhinged and quite dangerous. Similar happened to me but I ended up being stalked. GET RID!!

LesLavandes · 08/01/2021 19:01

Do not break the law. Ignore her

saraclara · 08/01/2021 19:02

Let your DP and her poor, poor husband deal with it now. Block her on everything, and let your other friends know what's happened.

It was her husband's choice to do this work this weekend. It's not your problem.

cameocat · 08/01/2021 19:03

No she is on a mission to destroy all the relationships around her. None of this is your fault and you need to treat yourself as if it isn't too.

freshmonth · 08/01/2021 19:04

She's blocked on my half of things, her poor partner has called my DP to say he's still coming and apologising for her crazy behaviour. I've just spoken to him and told him how it is. Now doubled over with chest pains. Just struggling.

OP posts:
toocold54 · 08/01/2021 19:05

Tell her to sort it out with her DP. He’s the one who accepted the job.

He needs to stand up for himself too. This is between them tell her you’re more getting involved and then ignore.

toocold54 · 08/01/2021 19:07

Now doubled over with chest pains. Just struggling.

It is hard now but I promise you that weight will be lifted soon and you will feel so much better soon!

I wish I was your friend in RL op I’d stick up for you and tell her where to shove it and I’m not usually a confrontational person but I am so angry on your behalf.

Mrgrinch · 08/01/2021 19:09

You have far too much on your plate to take on someone else's mental load, but please ask your DP to support her partner in leaving her. Sounds like he wants out too.

freshmonth · 08/01/2021 19:09

Thank you. I'm now going out for a drive I just feel so many emotions it's weird, hard to explain. It feels like this has been a long time coming in a way. She's really kicking off snd I just want out of the house, I can't deal with it. DP and her partner are on phone

OP posts:
Syal · 08/01/2021 19:12

Oh no, sorry she’s kicked off but you’re doing well! Good on you for blocking her.

If your chest is feeling tight and you’re panicky, try breathing in for 3 seconds and out for 4 seconds (make sure the out breath . longer).

There are also some good free exercises on the headspace app!

Good luck x

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 08/01/2021 19:12

Step away sweet.

You do not need engage. Not any more.

The hard bit is done.

NotSorry · 08/01/2021 19:12

Just breathe through the pain OP - you will be ok - look at this as the beginning of the end of this awful friendship

StrippedFridge · 08/01/2021 19:12

Can you talk to the other friends in the group? Vent with others and cement the true friendships.

Lockdownlovernotfromliverpool · 08/01/2021 19:13

She sounds like the woman we dealt with
.. When I moved I didn't leave her my new address.. She had a few things of mine. I sacrificed them! Didn't go back!
Oh and eventually she was jailed for fraud!!
She was bonkers.

Cherrysoup · 08/01/2021 19:13

Your DP needs to stop engaging, he’s not a relationship counsellor and doesn’t need to talk to him about it. If the bloke is unhappy, he needs to dump her stupid ass. I hope she’s not going to harass you.

OhCaptain · 08/01/2021 19:13

Why is she blocked on half of your things? Why not all of them?

Seriously it will feel so much better!

BloggersBlog · 08/01/2021 19:14

I have a similar problem with a relative so can fully understand what you are feeling. It is exhausting, depressing, annoying too that these people fail to comprehend how selfish they are. They wont be told NO and everyone else suffers.
This person once sent 25 messages to one relative in the space of minutes about another. Why they think people are interested in their opinions is beyond me.
I have stopped allowing this relative the power now. It has taken years, and in some ways they still and always will affect me. But nowhere near as much.

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