Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How do I say no to her...

762 replies

freshmonth · 07/01/2021 23:33

Hello,
So ive name changed as this could be outing.

We have our friend coming round Saturday who works in construction, to begin some paid work for us that we've had booked for 5.5 months.

His partner has been my on / off friend for many years, since school but is very prone to snapping / arguing and kicking off at every single thing.. very petty at times.

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round.

This morning I woke up to a status on social media complaining about being alone all weekend and how selfish certain friends are not to think of her or invite her out. Floods of comments came in under her post about how 'you can come to my house hun' or 'if I didn't have covid you could come to me, always welcome. You know my views on lockdown' etc etc. Shocking to be honest. I know this is about me and my partner as we have her partner round to do the work. I didn't retaliate.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a huge paragraph text to me, saying that it's so unfair she's alone all weekend, all by herself and that she feels nobody considers her feelings.
Stupidly - and I take full responsibility for this - I said she can come too. I can't be dealing with the arguments. 🤦‍♀️

I FULLY follow the rules r.e covid, haven't broken a single guideline so far, and definitely don't plan to. I don't know what came over me in that split second and honestly as soon as I sent the message I instantly regretted it.

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

Im now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know she sees more people than I'd like to even think about, lockdown or not. Guidelines don't seem to matter to her. Her partner is very careful r.e covid and works most of the time to provide for them both with full PPE. Would wear this whilst in our home, too.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable her coming and feel a complete dick saying she could. I've just recently had a miscarriage and I'm still struggling tremendously. I didn't want the arguments and the grief from her on top of my own. Nobody knows about our loss, other than close family who have been our support..

I don't know how to say no to her. I know her argument would be 'if my partner can come it's no different me coming we live together' although this is true, we are in NATIONAL LOCKDOWN and should not be having her here.
The fines are extortionate. More than I care to think about and not something we can afford..

What do I do? I don't know how to let her down gently enough not to cause an argument. I just don't have the strength in me to deal with it right now.

OP posts:
Lockdownlovernotfromliverpool · 08/01/2021 17:59

Ime her bf has maybe been unable to get rid of her also. Ime the gf was a leech. Our friend had dumped her time and time again. When he died they were actually finished. She never told anyone that and played the grieving gf...maybe offer him some sympathy and support in getting her well away from you all.

TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet · 08/01/2021 18:00

I wouldn’t engage at all. If she’s too stupid to see that she’s putting her partners job at risk then she’s not worth arguing with over a friendship.

freshmonth · 08/01/2021 18:01

Oh sorry I think I've got confused! Do the threads stop replies at 500 or 1,000? I'm not thinking straight today .. 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
JustNotFunAnymore · 08/01/2021 18:01

1,000

MiriamMargo · 08/01/2021 18:02

Dont you realise its really so easy, say sorry you dont feel well and need to cancel, easy peasy. Then unfollow her on social media so you cannot see her attention seeking needy posts, and lastly dont have anything else to do with her, she sounds a pain anyway

JustNotFunAnymore · 08/01/2021 18:02

@freshmonth

Oh sorry I think I've got confused! Do the threads stop replies at 500 or 1,000? I'm not thinking straight today .. 🤦‍♀️
Deep breaths and keep getting support whether it be on here or not. She will have a huge temper tantrum because that's always got her what she wants. She cannot sustain that forever and you will find that blocking and stepping away will help you with the anxiety you feel after a while because you won't be seeing any of it.
JustNotFunAnymore · 08/01/2021 18:03

@MiriamMargo

Dont you realise its really so easy, say sorry you dont feel well and need to cancel, easy peasy. Then unfollow her on social media so you cannot see her attention seeking needy posts, and lastly dont have anything else to do with her, she sounds a pain anyway
Really easy to rtft too.
whitechocolatehobnobs · 08/01/2021 18:10

In my experience, bullies like her can never be reasoned with or talked out of their irrational behaviour. Literally the only way to stop having to deal with them is to cut them off forever more.

I had a friend in the past who kicked off all the time and constantly wanted her own way and was, looking back, a total bully. One day she kicked off one time too many and I told her to shove her friendship up her arse. I've never had anything to do with her since and it's been fantastic!

OP, in your situation I would cancel her partner doing the work at yours, cut her off in every possible way you can, and never have anything to do with her (or him, whilst he's in a relationship with her!) again!

okokok000 · 08/01/2021 18:10

Honestly. Friends don't do this to eachother. Cull the friendship.

okokok000 · 08/01/2021 18:11

And do NOT apologise. You've done nothing wrong.

TodgerStrunk · 08/01/2021 18:11

I wouldn't block her -.you might need the evidence for her next restraining order. Good luck for tonight. Do you have a Ring doorbell? If you do answer the door (I wouldn't) make sure you are recording on your phone.

Dizzy1234 · 08/01/2021 18:11

Iv been following your thread all day, I should be wfh but I'm far too invested in your saga.
Your "D" F is unhinged OP, at first I thought you were being a bit of a fanny (like me 😉) but the more I read, the scarier I thought she was.
Lock your front door OP, I don't trust her, if she turns up call the police, seriously, I'm actually worried for you, she sounds like a lunatic.
Block and distance for your mental health at least.
Upddate us 💐

RandomMess · 08/01/2021 18:12

Give her partner the choice to either not do the job and you'll find another tradesman or come without her.

She has never been a friend just a controlling Queen Bee bully.

Doodallysally · 08/01/2021 18:12

This is definitely something you pass over to her partner.

He either does the job for you as agreed and ensures his wife isn't coming over, or you're happy to cancel the contract and find someone else. Explain that you will not accept this sort of harassment from his wife, and it's his call whether he does the job or not. But you won't be engaging with her.

Then you have got to cut her out of your life. As sad as it is, you can't then stay friends with her husband and offer him jobs. As she will take this very personally and kick off even more. The existing jobs you have with him, just find someone else. He will surely understand why his wife has made a working relationship or friendship impossible.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 08/01/2021 18:18

Tell her someone in your family died and you are grieving. Personally I'd have told her to fuck off.

polkadotpjs · 08/01/2021 18:18

OP I'm not worried as I think she'll run out of steam , so don't be frightened. You will let her go and be free. I'm very interested in the psychology of her reaction and how she is thinking. We are here to steer you though and past her crap

Turquoisesea · 08/01/2021 18:23

The problem with people like her is she gets her own way by bulldozing and bullying people. She can only act that way if no one pulls her up on her behaviour. I would personally only communicate with her DH now and tell her due to lockdown she cannot come over. Any reasonable person would accept that. If everyone dropped her as soon as she started acting this way she would have to take a good look at herself. Stop being so polite, if someone was making me feel the way she is making you feel I would seriously block them on everything. She is no friend to anyone, just a self absorbed immature bully, my 12 year old DD sounds more mature than her.

baubled · 08/01/2021 18:23

At this point I think I would just tell her to get fucked and that you're not interested in her shit

noodlezoodle · 08/01/2021 18:26

Think of it as a gift - she's given you an excuse to call time on the friendship once and for all, and once you've told her to never contact you again and blocked her, you'll never have to deal with her shit ever again.

And if she does continue to harrass you, police, straight away.

StormTreader · 08/01/2021 18:27

It's like going to the dentist - you can have toothache for YEARS that every so often flares up into a weekend of real pain, you can't eat what you want, you always have to be careful around it. OR you go to the dentist, go through the unpleasantness and stress of the filling, but then once you're all recovered then you have your life back and can eat whatever the hell you want.

HollowTalk · 08/01/2021 18:37

@freshmonth

To update - she's now kicking off. BIG TIME. 🤦‍♀️
Did anyone else say, "Oh god!" when they read that?
Sideorderofchips · 08/01/2021 18:40

Wtaf she sounds extremely unhinged. Stay strong op

BlueThistles · 08/01/2021 18:43

oh no 😱

StrippedFridge · 08/01/2021 18:43

How about taking a huge step back?

Block. Ignore.

This is the kindest thing you can do for yourself.

Why are you not? What is keeping you standing in the fire?

Cherrysoup · 08/01/2021 18:44

@freshmonth don’t give her the satisfaction of replying, she clearly thrives on drama. Block and ignore after one final ‘fuck off, you idiot’ message. Go on, make your life better!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.