How do I say no to her...

[freshmonth]

Hello,
So ive name changed as this could be outing.

We have our friend coming round Saturday who works in construction, to begin some paid work for us that we've had booked for 5.5 months.

His partner has been my on / off friend for many years, since school but is very prone to snapping / arguing and kicking off at every single thing.. very petty at times.

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round.

This morning I woke up to a status on social media complaining about being alone all weekend and how selfish certain friends are not to think of her or invite her out. Floods of comments came in under her post about how 'you can come to my house hun' or 'if I didn't have covid you could come to me, always welcome. You know my views on lockdown' etc etc. Shocking to be honest. I know this is about me and my partner as we have her partner round to do the work. I didn't retaliate.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a huge paragraph text to me, saying that it's so unfair she's alone all weekend, all by herself and that she feels nobody considers her feelings.
Stupidly - and I take full responsibility for this - I said she can come too. I can't be dealing with the arguments. 🤦‍♀️

I FULLY follow the rules r.e covid, haven't broken a single guideline so far, and definitely don't plan to. I don't know what came over me in that split second and honestly as soon as I sent the message I instantly regretted it.

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

Im now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know she sees more people than I'd like to even think about, lockdown or not. Guidelines don't seem to matter to her. Her partner is very careful r.e covid and works most of the time to provide for them both with full PPE. Would wear this whilst in our home, too.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable her coming and feel a complete dick saying she could. I've just recently had a miscarriage and I'm still struggling tremendously. I didn't want the arguments and the grief from her on top of my own. Nobody knows about our loss, other than close family who have been our support..

I don't know how to say no to her. I know her argument would be 'if my partner can come it's no different me coming we live together' although this is true, we are in NATIONAL LOCKDOWN and should not be having her here.
The fines are extortionate. More than I care to think about and not something we can afford..

What do I do? I don't know how to let her down gently enough not to cause an argument. I just don't have the strength in me to deal with it right now.

I wouldn't normally suggest this but, because you've had a lot to deal with and are feeling anxious and vulnerable, I would pass the whole thing over to your DP. Get him to speak to her DP and say that this woman is now making you physically ill with her behaviour. It'll hardly be news to him since other people have had to take out restraining orders in the past against this woman. Then block her absolutely everywhere and all contact goes through your DP from now on. That includes if she turns up at your door. He needs to deal with it now. This is what I think I'd do anyway.

I think some posters are not getting how malevolent someone like this is. It is impossible to reason with them. Normal rules of communication do not work with these people. My (now dead) Gran was very much like your friend. She bullied my mum her entire life. I remember my mum lying on the bed having palpitations and crying because she couldn't face speaking to my gran (who had moved house to live 5 minutes down the road from us and had phoned 20 times that day already). I picked up the phone and told her to fuck off and leave my mum alone. I was shaking doing it. I was only 12 years old. These kinds of people are utterly toxic and deserve zero sympathy. You are not related to this woman. You have to get rid.

Good for you op. At least you wont have to look at anything she may post this evening. And if she texts your phone about what your husband told hers...you ignore it. You partner can just text hers again if need be.

Oh god, she sounds like more than a nightmare!!

I had a friend like this, though not quite as bad. She was very self-centred, had to be in control of everything and everyone and was the most negative person you could ever meet. Never a kind word to say about anyone.

Its been just over 3 years since I cut her off and those 3 years have been glorious and drama free! It did help that the other 2 people in our friendship group also did the same thing. Nasty friend wanted to bitch and moan about 1 friend and turned to me and the other friend to gain our support. She was not happy when she didn't get it, and we told her that she was being unreasonable (in a nice way!) That's when she turned on us calling us all sorts, saying that we bitched about the other behind her back, etc etc. All very childish and I got to the point where I just felt I was too old for drama like that.

If your friend DOES kick off, don't hesitate to get the police involved if the situation calls for it. Block her number, block her on all social media and don't get sucked in to any drama. If any mutual friends try to bring up the subject don't engage as anything you say will most likely be parroted back to her.

Life really is too short, take care of yourself. You sound like you've beeb through hell recently

Wow, I think you know what you have to to do. I agree with other posters in that just muting her rather than unfriending right now, being polite and using excuses not to see her as you are not at full strength to deal with her tantrums. I think you will find that once you start this the rest of the group will follow as who has the time to pander to such insanity. You know how she will react so just let her crack on as you have been putting up with this behaviour anyway-no change for you, after a while she will be offended by someone else. I would not even mention this to the rest of the group as one of them will cave and tell her. It will be hard for the short term-but from what I have observed in similar situations once one person starts to move away it gives everyone else permission to do the same. Don’t worry about her she will find a new group to terrorise.

x posted before. Well done. Keep on blocking!

Blimey she sounds so difficult and the chasing you round town in her car wow!!
How old are you/is she?
Don’t blame you for telling her no and unfollowing her

@Figgygal

Blimey she sounds so difficult and the chasing you round town in her car wow!! How old are you/is she? Don’t blame you for telling her no and unfollowing her

Mid 20's

"Thanks all. Just unfollowed her fb"

Would it help to write down any more of a fat she's done and the read it back and imagine yourself telling us or another poster what to do?
The Facebook unfollow - tick. Good
Now block on text/ WhatsApp etc
Tell your partner you are doing this.
She does not deserve your head space or your emotion. He can tell her you're taking time out if she asks. Step away for the weekend and know that you're safe. It'll be ok. It will. You don't need her and she will go away sooner than you think. People can't control you like this

Good god op, it's gets worse with every update.
You've got loads of practical advice so I won't add to it, just another voice saying don't let this continue, you are suffering and you will feel so much better once she is blocked on everything and you don't need to have contact.

You've done the right thing. I totally understand the physical symptoms this sort of thing causes.

Thanks all. I've always suffered with sickness S a result of anxiety, sadly it's always displayed itself that way. I feel silly saying she's made me actually physically ill this morning.. but the situation has for sure.

@freshmonth

Thanks all. I've always suffered with sickness S a result of anxiety, sadly it's always displayed itself that way. I feel silly saying she's made me actually physically ill this morning.. but the situation has for sure.

No, no, don’t feel silly

Anxiety can manifest it in many ways, sickness being one of them. I used to vomit when I was anxious. I have it under control these days so it doesn’t happen any more.

Well done for unfollowing - enjoy the peace and quiet

Oh freshmonth, this is absolutely awful! I'm so sorry for you, she sounds utterly impossible, on top of anxiety and a recent miscarriage.

Don't doubt yourself.

She is making you doubt yourself. You have had loads of great advice and support on this thread and I feel far from qualified to even comment, but wanted to chime in so you know that you are not going crazy. Rather, she is driving you crazy.

Blocking her social media is a great start. She is in the tiny teeny minority of thinking she is right, where you and the rest of us 99.9% categorically agree that her behaviour is wrong and worrying. Stalking you in her car? Texting you 54 times? Smashing a house up? Restraining orders?

If this was a friend of your Mum, or your sister, or your closest friend, what would you advise them?

I really feel for her partner too because I can't imagine what she is like. I think if you can stand up for yourself, you will be the first of many and hopefully show the way to her other "friends" and partner that her behaviour is absolutely wrong and will not be tolerated. Expect suicide threats etc from her, bullying, harassment, just log it all or get your partner to. Maybe get a Ring cam in place ASAP/nanny cam on windowsill (about £25 on amazon).

If you sever this toxic friendship, in a years time you will feel so much better for it. If you carry on with it, you will only go down with her.

All the very best, summon some strength from the collective mumsnet backing. Very much here and in your corner.

Hugs OP, it's a really difficult thing to have to deal with someone this bonkers. Well done on muting her on facebook! Hugs for the anxiety too, as I know how much that sucks

Sending you hugs OP, she sounds incredibly toxic. Her issues aren't your responsibility to deal with, and you shouldn't have to be subjected to that behaviour. I hope it all goes well x

Good luck breaking away from this woman OP. Yes it's hard to make that initial break and horrible when you're facing into an onslaught of shitty behaviour and badmouthing on SM, but I do believe once you take the step it can only get easier to continue to withdraw and your anxiety around her should lessen as you realise she does not weld any power over you.

If you are worried about your car/properly being damaged get a Ring doorbell and record it.

Be prepared to take it further via official means if she starts harassing you. This can be via SM too. A friend of mine had a woman harassing her via FB with threatening/abusive messages. She contacted the police and they went and spoke to the woman and detailed what she could be charged for if it continued. It's normal to feel like you're overreacting because it feels safer to just try and ignore it or to be the bigger person, but sometimes it's necessary to show you will not accept this kind of bullying behaviour. You can see from people's responses on here that this kind of thing should not be tolerated even if you've known her a long time.

It's good your DP is onside and if she kicks off at you just send her a unemotional text saying to speak to your DP about it and then refuse to engage. Bet she won't go near him. Keep doing this. Show you are united.

And keep muting her in every way possible until she gets the message that you've detached and are no longer controllable in the way.

Sorry about the typos

Well done OP for unfollowing her on Facebook, I'm so sorry for your pregnancy loss

I know you feel awful now OP but how many times has she made you feel like this in the past, just remember this will be the last time she’ll ever be able to make you feel this way x

Ah I would take the easy way out and get your fiancé to uninvite her, so he can look like the bad guy. Chances are she won’t kick off as badly with a man as she would with you.

This is why you shouldn’t mix friendships and business, there’s so much scope for unprofessional things to happen. Realistically her boyfriend (the worker) should be the one to tell her she can’t come as he’s working and to stop being silly etc, but instead he’s letting her behaviour slide.

It may be easiest long term just to pay him for any materials and time, but cancel anything else with him that you can and hire someone else

She definitely sounds like a weirdo. I’m 23 and no one I know that’s my age (or slightly older) uses Facebook heavily like that (venting and embarrassing themselves etc). Only the strange ones do.

Like this,

'No'.

Or just go Mumsnet classic.

'Sorry, that doesn't work for us'.

Go ooooonnn, OP!! Tell her to piss right off, the cheeky git.

Good for you op.

She sounds like a toxic lunatic.

Sorry, just seen that your DH has stepped in.

Well done for unfollowing her. Genuinely I think however she reacts at this point it would be best for you to back off the friendship. She's clearly a bit of a dick and you don't seem to like her and are scared of her so really, what's the point?!