How do I say no to her...

[freshmonth]

Hello,
So ive name changed as this could be outing.

We have our friend coming round Saturday who works in construction, to begin some paid work for us that we've had booked for 5.5 months.

His partner has been my on / off friend for many years, since school but is very prone to snapping / arguing and kicking off at every single thing.. very petty at times.

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round.

This morning I woke up to a status on social media complaining about being alone all weekend and how selfish certain friends are not to think of her or invite her out. Floods of comments came in under her post about how 'you can come to my house hun' or 'if I didn't have covid you could come to me, always welcome. You know my views on lockdown' etc etc. Shocking to be honest. I know this is about me and my partner as we have her partner round to do the work. I didn't retaliate.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a huge paragraph text to me, saying that it's so unfair she's alone all weekend, all by herself and that she feels nobody considers her feelings.
Stupidly - and I take full responsibility for this - I said she can come too. I can't be dealing with the arguments. 🤦‍♀️

I FULLY follow the rules r.e covid, haven't broken a single guideline so far, and definitely don't plan to. I don't know what came over me in that split second and honestly as soon as I sent the message I instantly regretted it.

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

Im now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know she sees more people than I'd like to even think about, lockdown or not. Guidelines don't seem to matter to her. Her partner is very careful r.e covid and works most of the time to provide for them both with full PPE. Would wear this whilst in our home, too.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable her coming and feel a complete dick saying she could. I've just recently had a miscarriage and I'm still struggling tremendously. I didn't want the arguments and the grief from her on top of my own. Nobody knows about our loss, other than close family who have been our support..

I don't know how to say no to her. I know her argument would be 'if my partner can come it's no different me coming we live together' although this is true, we are in NATIONAL LOCKDOWN and should not be having her here.
The fines are extortionate. More than I care to think about and not something we can afford..

What do I do? I don't know how to let her down gently enough not to cause an argument. I just don't have the strength in me to deal with it right now.

She's a nasty boil you need to lance, OP.

I think you need a strategy for getting through the next few months, while the work is done on your house. Lockdown is your friend here!

But, if she escalates fast, you may need to find another tradesman for the later work. Your friendship with her DP could be the casualty in this but that is entirely up to him.

You need to find some new friends. You need this anyway, your current group dynamic is toxic and is damaging you. Maybe you'll be able to remain friends with some people from that group, maybe not.

Hide her on social media - she won't know, you won't have to see her posts.

If she sends long, ranting messages, ignore them. It's what anybody would do; people don't reply to messages like that, they recognise them as someone venting in a way they'll probably feel embarrassed about later. Taking them seriously only adds to that embarrassment. You've already told her you won't respond, so you're covered!

At some point, she will harass you in person. Ignore as far as you can. If you can't, name her behaviour e.g. 'you are harrassing me, I don't like it and I want you to stop it now.' If it's dangerous or threatening, call the police.

If she turns up and damages property at your home, call the police.

You have to get over your sense of embarrassment at having your property attacked, or her causing a scene. She's using your that to blackmail you. Yes it will be awful, briefly. But then it will be over and you will never have to deal with her, or the fear of her, again.

What a relief that will be!

I doubt the hun on Facebook that offered to have her round has actually got covid, you’d probably be surprised Op , at how many others are as fed up with her as you are .

@Purplethrow oh that's a good shout, I didn't think of it that way! I've noticed recently are she's posting statuses / screenshots of quotes etc.. most people would usually ask her how she is / if she's ok etc and pander to it. People aren't doing it as of recently. She's got 4/5 posts recently that have had no interactions on at all. Sometimes it's easy to think it's just you getting the backlash, isn't it!

I know she's awful to her family too. Her grandparents said no to her coming over in Christmas Day, as her grandfather is critically vulnerable. She wrote a vulgar message directed to them on social media,l about it. Saying they're selfish, ruined Christmas etc. It's sad 😞

[quote freshmonth]@Notapheasantplucker I know! It's typical her though.
I can't even count the times she's kicked off at me for the smallest of things.. it's constant. [/quote]
She's a control freak and she uses your fear of her anger, to control you. She sounds horrid. I like @BritInAus 's suggestion.

I don't really understand why you let her reactions on FB get to you. It sounds as if all your friends know exactly what she's like and won't believe what she says. Do you believe what she posts about others in the group? Can't you all mutually agree to ignore everything she posts and not to react to it?

@Arobase it's more that When scrolling through Facebook it's constant left right and centre, horrible statuses etc. It gets to me because more times than not they are about individuals or the entire group of friends.
We don't engage with it but we are aware of it.

Look up the 'sunk costs fallacy' OP.

You are here, now, today. The choices you make now, determine what happens in the future. You cannot change the past. Screwing up your future will not make the past any better. You are not obliged to screw up your future, just because bad things have happened in your past.

Also, anxiety does not turn people into total shitheads and is not an excuse for acting like one.

You and your DP need to focus on each other. You cannot do that, and are preventing him from doing that, if your life is controlled by this vicious attention-seeker.

Isn't your DP more important to you than this woman?

[quote freshmonth]@Arobase it's more that When scrolling through Facebook it's constant left right and centre, horrible statuses etc. It gets to me because more times than not they are about individuals or the entire group of friends.
We don't engage with it but we are aware of it. [/quote]
Just unfollow / mute her! You don't even have to unfriend her as far as I'm aware. You can just make it so you don't see anything shes posted. I think she's taken over your thoughts so much by being such a bully that you can't step back and see what's actually happening. A grown woman is posting self indulgent bullshit on Facebook and bullying other adults. You have to disengage from that! It was crazy to get her boyfriend to do work on your house as it's added another reason she thinks you 'have' to be in touch.

God, this is appalling, and you sound so fragile. This would never usually be my advice but I think you'd be completely reasonable to say to your DP that you just can't cope with this woman anymore and can he please get her out of your life. She is his friend's wife. It's up to him if he deals with it by cooling his friendship or whether he makes it clear to his friend that he's welcome in your lives but his wife's not. It sounds like he's been happy to deal with the immediate problem but imo he needs to take it all off your hands permanently. Under the circumstances, this should not be something you have to shoulder. Then all you need to do is block her on sm and tell your mutual friends that you don't want to discuss her. Sounds like that may suit them fine too.

Very sorry about your pregnancy loss.

OP just think about life after you've cut her out and that should give you strength to do what you need to do. You cannot allow this -silly little girl- woman to have such control over you. Cut ties once and for good, block her and delete her number, you won't ever look back.

[quote freshmonth]@Arobase it's more that When scrolling through Facebook it's constant left right and centre, horrible statuses etc. It gets to me because more times than not they are about individuals or the entire group of friends.
We don't engage with it but we are aware of it. [/quote]
Start by muting her for 7 days.
Dont look for her posts and I really wouldnt talk to other friends about this situation.
Agree with " grey rock"
Use lockdown to fade away gradually

I had a toxic friend (nothing near as bad as this!!) but I realised it was draining me and I used one of her dramatic outbursts to stop talking to her.
I thought I had lost all of my friends as we were one big group and they were afraid to not take her side and then a few weeks later one by one they stopped talking to her and rekindled their friendship with me and still years later we are friends together but not with her and we are all so much happier for it.

Some good advice here op. Cut her out of your life x

How will she be alone at the weekend of she has kids? Was she expecting to bring them too?

toocold that is so good to read.

Op I would use this latest issue to be the one to end the friendship. Even if you see her in a group and just say hello and goodbye I would mentally cut her out of your life and either not explain (no explanation is necessary) or simply say you have had enough of her behaviour, kicking off etc.

For the record I have mild OCD and I got help. I never did what she has done. She is probably mentally unstable but that is no excuse. She needs to work it out and get help. She is not your responsibly.

@StrippedFridge

Stop. Breathe. Think.

This is easy. She is a lunatic attention seeker. She WANTS THE DRAMA; she does not want to see you or to see him work. It is all about FB and the drama posting.

Give her the ultimate gift: cancel her with a short message then block her on all social media (or switch off your phone). Absolute bloody bliss for her. She can rant her heart out all weekend, wallowing in hun messages.

Her DP can hide away at yours working in peace.

You don't have to see any of it if you stay away from social media.

Everybody wins.

"Wallowing in hun messages"

Why don't you unfollow her on social media?

If you unfollow Batshit Betty on Facebook you won't see any of her posts, but she won't know that because as far as she is concerned you are still friends

Go on to her Facebook page. Just click on the little icon depicting a head (to the left of the telephone symbol), and you get a drop down menu, one of which is unfollow, and select it. Job done.

Do it now. Then b lock her on everything else.

You absolutely have to get her out of your life or you will be playing to her tune for the rest of your life. Do you really want this?

Keep in touch with everyone else individually, but don't mention Batshit Betty unless someone else does first. You might find that they will want to create a group without her in it.

Just snooze her on FB and you wont see anything. personally Id defriend and block !

It seems like you can’t pull yourself away from her, OP, and that would worry me if you were my friend or a member of my family.

The story you just posted about her being unkind to her grandparents at Christmas - why are you even interested? You need to be stronger and cut the contact off completely. It’s not healthy and it’s definitively not a friendship.

I had a friend who would get jealous of my other friends. I went out for a meal with a friend and Psycho Friend sat in her car outside my house waiting for me to return.

She also followed me on the motorway to another friends house. It was actually really scary!

She'd get mad at me for silly things, like if her ex boyfriend commented on someone on my Facebook. But I'd actually known him for much longer than I'd known her, and hadn't ever known them as a couple.

We are no longer friends but I've heard that she used to lock her ex boyfriend in their house if he didn't do what she said.

She was just very weird.

If you go into Messenger and select Batshit Betty, then select "i" you can select "ignore messages". She won't know that you have done this.

Please stop allowing her to get to you for the sake of your own mental health.

Thanks all. Just unfollowed her fb x

Well done

Now to "ignore" the messages. She won't know you have done so.