How do I say no to her...

[freshmonth]

Hello,
So ive name changed as this could be outing.

We have our friend coming round Saturday who works in construction, to begin some paid work for us that we've had booked for 5.5 months.

His partner has been my on / off friend for many years, since school but is very prone to snapping / arguing and kicking off at every single thing.. very petty at times.

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round.

This morning I woke up to a status on social media complaining about being alone all weekend and how selfish certain friends are not to think of her or invite her out. Floods of comments came in under her post about how 'you can come to my house hun' or 'if I didn't have covid you could come to me, always welcome. You know my views on lockdown' etc etc. Shocking to be honest. I know this is about me and my partner as we have her partner round to do the work. I didn't retaliate.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a huge paragraph text to me, saying that it's so unfair she's alone all weekend, all by herself and that she feels nobody considers her feelings.
Stupidly - and I take full responsibility for this - I said she can come too. I can't be dealing with the arguments. 🤦‍♀️

I FULLY follow the rules r.e covid, haven't broken a single guideline so far, and definitely don't plan to. I don't know what came over me in that split second and honestly as soon as I sent the message I instantly regretted it.

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

Im now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know she sees more people than I'd like to even think about, lockdown or not. Guidelines don't seem to matter to her. Her partner is very careful r.e covid and works most of the time to provide for them both with full PPE. Would wear this whilst in our home, too.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable her coming and feel a complete dick saying she could. I've just recently had a miscarriage and I'm still struggling tremendously. I didn't want the arguments and the grief from her on top of my own. Nobody knows about our loss, other than close family who have been our support..

I don't know how to say no to her. I know her argument would be 'if my partner can come it's no different me coming we live together' although this is true, we are in NATIONAL LOCKDOWN and should not be having her here.
The fines are extortionate. More than I care to think about and not something we can afford..

What do I do? I don't know how to let her down gently enough not to cause an argument. I just don't have the strength in me to deal with it right now.

Don't be too hard on yourself, it's easy to be sucked in, put up with someone because when they are nice it's worth it, give them another chnace because you think that they surely can't be that batshit again.

It's not as if you're the only one who puts up with her-although others may not have had quite the level of abuse that you have.

Do they put up with her for her partners sake?

OP have you posted about her before? I recognise the smashing the house up and other things.

I do wonder why horses attract so many bat shit types. I have ponies and I moved to a place of our own because I really couldn't take dealing with difficult people when all I wanted to do was see my horses and I wanted my horses to have a life a lot of yards in our area couldn't offer. Now that we are on our own it is bliss but I do wonder if I am turning into a bat shit horse woman and have no one to tell me!

@freshmonth

I'm not fussed with stating in good terms with her, but for my own DP's sake and the fact he's very good friends with her partner, who also happens to be doing loads of work for us in the coming months I feel a little bit awkward 😳😬 I've been trying to muster up the courage for a while now to cut it off between us.

Well you better had, as she's already said she was going to invite herself round.

Can't your DH have a word with his friend?

@alotofcrazyshitoutthere I've been friends with her for years and years and yes it's all true.
Sorry I didn't mean for the anxiety to come across condescending or anything of the sort. I said that because she does say she has anxiety. But I don't know for sure of course.

Wouldn't having no friends be better than her?

And if your circle of friends choose Batshit Betty (great name pp) over you, are they really such good friends at all?

freshmonth
"Italiangreyhound my partner has spoken to him, to say she can't come. Her partner has said he will let her know"

That is good well done.

does she use her anxiety as a means by which to control others?

My former friend said 'I have mental health issues and i am prepared to think that you do not understand how your behaviour has triggered me.

(my behaviour including - going grocery shopping without her on the average saturday morning; us not inviting her to stay in our home for the entire christmas period despoite the fact she lives 2 streets away because it would have made the festive period a proper house party; accepting a dinner invitation that she had not been invited to; not taking up her 'suggestion' that she move in with DH and I as she' joked' it was like we were all married to each other anyway. Mutual friends, if we wanted to catch up for a coffee without her would do it in each others houses with the curtains closed because if she got wind of it all fucking hell would break loose.. )

So how long are you going to allow her to treat you like this? You o let her one live; do you telly want to spend it dealing with her?

@TwoHundredThousandTimes oh god I could have stirred that word for word! When I want to see my other friends (before lockdowns) I'd have to park round the corner or get dropped off. She will literally go from house to house if she hasn't had a reply from any of us, to see where we are. She's turned up at my place of work before cause I wasn't replying to her text as I was with customers.

*could have written that word for word, sorry.

Glad you’re feeling a little stronger, you sound more determined.

Your dp has told the bloke, he has said he’ll tell her. If she turns up, you dp can deal with it and say “we were clear that she’s not able to come indoors so had better go home” and shut the door.

Bloody hell OP, you deserve a medal for putting up with her for so long. Don't beat yourself up about making a mistake under pressure from her and don't feel guilty for correcting it. Worst case senario is that she kicks off and you have to call the police and your friendship is over. Which is also a win!

Having a miscarriage is awful, so that on its own would be bad enough but you have her and a pandemic to deal with and that's more than any human should be asked to deal with.

Can I suggest that you go to bed, all weekend. If you can, remove yourself from social media, get a film, a book, whatever you like, and buy in lots of treats. Then shut the door and look after yourself for two days.

I recognised so much of what you have written.

I know what you are going through. And the overwhelming anxiety and worry you feel waiting for the shitstorm.

[quote freshmonth]@TwoHundredThousandTimes oh god I could have stirred that word for word! When I want to see my other friends (before lockdowns) I'd have to park round the corner or get dropped off. She will literally go from house to house if she hasn't had a reply from any of us, to see where we are. She's turned up at my place of work before cause I wasn't replying to her text as I was with customers. [/quote]
Sounds as if you need a restraining order!

And if she kicks off call the police... they can explain the issue to her.

In the meantime, de friend her on Facebook, block her number and just drop her.

If people side with her, let them. You don’t need to keep people like her or those who facilitate her in your life.

Seriously.

You’re anxious because of her insane behaviour

Oh so it's the woman who has you at her beck and call, a group on whatsapp where you all inexplicably as a group of ten continue to interact with her etc?

My previous comments about your fiancé being a bit shit for staying friends with someone whose partner bullies you aren't that relevant then.

This is just the latest in a long list of situations where you've put this woman's wants above your own needs.

Everyone told you that you needed to disengage and ride out the consequences otherwise the alternative is being bullied for the rest of your life by someone just because you've known them ages.

You and your fiancé need to be a united front on this. It's utterly ridiculous for you to have chosen HER partner to do work for you, knowing how much drama and anxiety she causes you! What were you thinking?! You've added another layer to your relationship, another sense of duty and obligation.

She is poison. Her behaviour you mentioned in the previous thread is disgusting and as I said on there, you're all currently being complicit in it by still letting her summon you and order you around then scream and shout at you.

I can't understand why you added the risk of more drama by getting her partner to do the work for you.

Thanks all. I am feeling a lot stronger now. Had a good cry snd feeling okay. I just feel with all that's going on in my life this is the icing on the cake right now and I also wish wish WISH I was stronger in the past and got rid.
Life is too short snd I'm sick of feeling so on edge and scared and I'm sick of my DP having to see me like this because of her all the time.

When she kicks off / tries to start arguments I get so anxious it affects me for days afterwards. I can't even recall the number of weekends she's written off completely for me.

OP

I wanted to explain about grey rock and saying if you needed to keep in contact. I TOTALLY would understand your not being in contact as she sounds a totally unhinged nightmare.

However, if you feel you need to stay in contact make it light and not personal. Accept no BS. Do not apologize. Use phrases like "I have to go now" or "That’s not possible." No sorry or apologies if you cannot dance to her tune.

You may need to stay in vague contact if you have shared friends, if you want to stay in contact of course!

Read this if it helps...

“Recognizing a friend, family member, or partner’s toxic or manipulative behaviour may prompt you to begin taking steps to safely end the relationship and cut off contact.
But this isn’t always possible. For example, you might need to continue co-parenting with them, see them regularly at family gatherings, or work with them.”

www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock#know-when-to-use-it

It also says “Cutting off contact with toxic people is often the only way to keep them from continuing to cause emotional harm. But when this isn’t possible, grey rocking may work as a technique to get the manipulator to lose interest. If they can’t get anything beyond bland, emotionless answers from you, they may give up.”

Good luck, she sounds utterly made so be careful.

@youvegottenminuteslynn I haven't written about this person before..

I'd keep your phone in hand tomorrow and be ready to call the police if she shows up and kicks off.

And take the step away from her you need to. You don't have to keep unhinged people in your life.

Sounds awful but why don’t u say the COVID app has told you to self isolate for two weeks?

I know at least 3 of my other friends are on MN. But I haven't spoken about her before.. I wouldn't be surprised if one of the others has, she is a nightmare and has targeted another friend of mine and her partner in the group recently about various things too.

Why don’t you speak/text a couple of sensible friends and say your worried xx is going to kick-off because you’ve said you won’t break the rules. Hopefully get some real life support, and maybe they could reply to any FB rants with something like ‘Aww, sorry you’re alone, lockdown is tough for all of us. But we all have to follow the rules.’