How do I say no to her...

[freshmonth]

Hello,
So ive name changed as this could be outing.

We have our friend coming round Saturday who works in construction, to begin some paid work for us that we've had booked for 5.5 months.

His partner has been my on / off friend for many years, since school but is very prone to snapping / arguing and kicking off at every single thing.. very petty at times.

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round.

This morning I woke up to a status on social media complaining about being alone all weekend and how selfish certain friends are not to think of her or invite her out. Floods of comments came in under her post about how 'you can come to my house hun' or 'if I didn't have covid you could come to me, always welcome. You know my views on lockdown' etc etc. Shocking to be honest. I know this is about me and my partner as we have her partner round to do the work. I didn't retaliate.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a huge paragraph text to me, saying that it's so unfair she's alone all weekend, all by herself and that she feels nobody considers her feelings.
Stupidly - and I take full responsibility for this - I said she can come too. I can't be dealing with the arguments. 🤦‍♀️

I FULLY follow the rules r.e covid, haven't broken a single guideline so far, and definitely don't plan to. I don't know what came over me in that split second and honestly as soon as I sent the message I instantly regretted it.

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

Im now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know she sees more people than I'd like to even think about, lockdown or not. Guidelines don't seem to matter to her. Her partner is very careful r.e covid and works most of the time to provide for them both with full PPE. Would wear this whilst in our home, too.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable her coming and feel a complete dick saying she could. I've just recently had a miscarriage and I'm still struggling tremendously. I didn't want the arguments and the grief from her on top of my own. Nobody knows about our loss, other than close family who have been our support..

I don't know how to say no to her. I know her argument would be 'if my partner can come it's no different me coming we live together' although this is true, we are in NATIONAL LOCKDOWN and should not be having her here.
The fines are extortionate. More than I care to think about and not something we can afford..

What do I do? I don't know how to let her down gently enough not to cause an argument. I just don't have the strength in me to deal with it right now.

Nonsense! She says he's making the ceiling safe

She said it was booked in 5.5 months ago. Ceiling is hardly coming down any time soon, is it?

@atswim2birds

That's not actually true. Tradespeople can still carry out work in your home and it doesn't have to be essential or emergency

That's not the information I've been given. And on the chance I'm wrong, anyone with any sense isn't getting non essential non emergency work done in their houses...especially not by friends, who are not likely to distance and leave fast as an unknown tradesperson will do.
It's very much against the spirit of lockdown, even if it is allowed (which I don't think it is)

I don't know where you're getting your information from but it's always best to check gov.uk for the actual guidance and legislation rather than relying on what other people are saying.

[quote freshmonth]@Honeyroar I wonder if it's the same lady... she has horses 😆[/quote]
That sort ALWAYS have horses

If her DP doesn't pass on the message & she still turns up, you don't have to engage. She is there to work for him, not socialise with you, you're surprised she didn't know that given lockdown rules. She wears PPE & stays in a room with him, you have no contact.
Deal with the fallout later but whatever happens, you do not need a 'friendship' like this in your life.

I'm not prepared for her to come to my
Home. I know I said she could abs that's my own fault but I was caught off guard and the tone of her messages I knew she was going to cause a fuss so I backed down.
I'm not prepared to do that now. She shouldn't be here, she is not working with or for her partner and doesn't work in construction at all.
She can risk my DP and I receiving a huge fine.

@atswim2birds

That's not actually true. Tradespeople can still carry out work in your home and it doesn't have to be essential or emergency

That's not the information I've been given. And on the chance I'm wrong, anyone with any sense isn't getting non essential non emergency work done in their houses...especially not by friends, who are not likely to distance and leave fast as an unknown tradesperson will do.
It's very much against the spirit of lockdown, even if it is allowed (which I don't think it is)

Building work is allowed to continue it's seen as necessary for the countries infrastructure.

Woah there-she has horses-and can't occupy herself for a weekend??

Are they um, hobby horses??

'I'm so sorry mate I need to cancel this weekend and the job. Ive been having some personal issues and it's just bit something I can cope with on top of everything else right now. You're a good friend and I know you'll understand; if you don't mind I'd like to keep this just between us at the moment, I hope that's ok. See you once all this is over xx'

@diddl that's the thing. I know she does go to the horse yard and socialise with many people there as well as probably others I don't know about..

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

THIS shows she knows exactly what shes doing and whats "needed" to get what she wants.

First so so sorry about your miscarriage. I wouldn't want to be around that woman under any circumstances but you must be feeling pretty rubbish at mo, I had an ectopic many years ago and it devastated me am truly sorry.

Your work can still go ahead. My husband is a tradesman and is allowed to work. Ignore those that like to misinterpret the rules. Until Boris makes a law that trades can't work then we will continue as it means money for food and mortgage!

Anyway thats not your problem. Please please take the opportunity now to sever ties with this bully. She serves no purpose other than to manipulate and make life awful for you and others. You don't need to make up lots of excuses or lie. Covid means she CANT come round no matter how much she will rant about it to you and on social media. My guess is most people see her as trouble but don't say anything but will probably back you up. If she can't spend some time at home with her kids for the weekend while her DP works then she needs to get a hobby. She sounds like a drama queen wanting to be at the center and control everyone. You are recovering from a traumatic event and no one would blame you in non covid times to want to just be with those closest to you. She obviously isn't coming round to give you support. Shes not a friend. You'll feel so much better to be away from all her drama xxxx

@freshmonth

Yes I find it embarrassing too but I've been though hell and back these last few weeks and frankly I just don't have the patience or the strength in me to deal with it.

I'm sorry I said that. I hadn't seen the following pages.

You are stronger than you think. I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you can get some peace from her and the madness. Take care of yourself.

You’ve done the right thing. But you need to stand firm. Step away from social media then you can’t read any of her hysterical nonsense. She has her own family for her own support.
This person is toxic and you need to disengage for the future. I can see that you will need to let her partner do this one job as the materials have been purchased but thereafter I would employ someone else. You just don’t need this drama. Remember you are the customer here and paying for a job. It needs to be on a professional footing. Mixing friends and business doesn’t work. And she is a toxic person and nothing to do with the job of repairing your ceiling.

Oh she has horses! When we had horses we didn't have a weekend free to gad about the houses!

@MrsDiplo

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

THIS shows she knows exactly what shes doing and whats "needed" to get what she wants.

Yes , is her name Veruca Salt ?

OP you are tangling yourself up in your anxiety and its getting tiresome. I suffer from anxiety as well so I get it but you are allowing this to take over. It is not easier to just let her get her own way, it's much easier to go NC.... And if that means you lose friends who cannot stand up to her either then they are not friends. Trust me knowing that she'll never enter your mental head space via your phone again will be a weight off your shoulders. Just block her and concentrate on yourself.

She sounds bloody awful. I think a lot of us have experienced someone exactly like this at some point in our lives. I used to have a housemate who was similar when I was in my twenties. I used to go along with her to keep the peace. I ended up having to ghost her when I moved out of the area.

I think I'd block her number on my phone and block her on social media. If her DH happy to carry on doing the work, then great, but that doesn't mean you have to engage with her. Hopefully she'll get the hint eventually and move on to someone else.

If she really gets awkward and you can't face confrontation then say you have covid symptoms.

@atswim2birds

www.gov.uk/guidance/national-lockdown-stay-at-home

Going to work
You may only leave your home for work if you cannot reasonably work from home.

Where people cannot work from home they should continue to travel to their workplace. This includes, but is not limited to, people who work in:

critical national infrastructure
construction
manufacturing
childcare or education
essential public services
This is essential to keeping the country operating and supporting sectors and employers.

Where it is necessary for you to work in other people’s homes - for example, for nannies, cleaners or tradespeople - you can do so

She's a bully.
Once this work is done I'd distance myself from both of them.
In the meantime I'd say you and your dp will be out some of the time leaving her dp alone working so you won't be around to spend time with her.

I think your partner has to have a serious word with his mate - you all do. Her behaviour in the car could have caused a serious accident and her bullying is affecting your mental health. I am sure others in your friendship group are feeling the strain as well. He needs to be told that you are no longer tolerating her and don't want her around or any communication from her. If he wants to live with this nutter that is his choice, no one else has to put up with her. It is ridiculous that you are all enduring her to maintain the status quo. You shouldn't have to deal with this at any time but especially not when you are grieving. I also feel sorry for her horses - why the fuck is she not busy with them at the weekends?! Or her poor children?! She actually has plenty to keep her occupied but wants to sit in your house instead? Bat shit!

Thanks all. Completely agree I'm getting caught up in my anxiety. I know what's coming with her. She's done things like this before and I always forgive. I don't know why I degrade myself like that. I just want an easy life 😞
I do worry i'll loose my friends. So many times we've said we are cutting her out, this is it etc etc but then she comes running calling for help, needs this needs that or she's gone mad and smashed things in the house due to 'anxiety' (I have anxiety and am on medication for it.. this is not how I behave??) and we drop everything to be there, she works her way back in and the cycle begins again.

• That's not the information I've been given. And on the chance I'm wrong, anyone with any sense isn't getting non essential non emergency work done in their houses...especially not by friends, who are not likely to distance and leave fast as an unknown tradesperson will do. It's very much against the spirit of lockdown, even if it is allowed (which I don't think it is)*

Then you shouldn't rely on the information given and look it up. Tradespeople are allowed to continue working. Read the legislation on gov.uk

@coronafiona

'I'm so sorry mate I need to cancel this weekend and the job. Ive been having some personal issues and it's just bit something I can cope with on top of everything else right now. You're a good friend and I know you'll understand; if you don't mind I'd like to keep this just between us at the moment, I hope that's ok. See you once all this is over xx'

OP has asked her partner to deal with it.

And she’s not a “good friend”, as you would know if you had RTFT.

But surely your friends must feel the same way, OP, but everyone is just going with the flow and managing each incident with her at the time and then pushing it aside and not talking about it? What did you friend in the car say?

Is this really all true OP about her? It just sounds so odd. She has dc and horses yet she has nothing to do at the weekend? Whether her partner works at weekends is down to the two of them and will have been discussed endlessly over the years, surely. If she was so unhappy about it she could just ask him to not work at weekends. If she wanted to have lunch with you surely she would have followed you rather than trying to get you off the road?

She is in your friendship group, and has been for a long time, it isn't usual for people to get their partner involved and her partner involved in friendship issues.

It might be that you are avoidant without realising and this winds her up because she doesn't know what is going on? Maybe try the polite straightforward texts that people have suggested and see how she reacts? You don't have to tell her about your loss, you can just say you have had some bad news and you are struggling at the moment, as well as covid being a problem.

Saying "she claims she has anxiety" is a little bit invalidating by the way. You want her to respect you (and she should) but you also need to show respect to others.