How do I say no to her...

[freshmonth]

Hello,
So ive name changed as this could be outing.

We have our friend coming round Saturday who works in construction, to begin some paid work for us that we've had booked for 5.5 months.

His partner has been my on / off friend for many years, since school but is very prone to snapping / arguing and kicking off at every single thing.. very petty at times.

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round.

This morning I woke up to a status on social media complaining about being alone all weekend and how selfish certain friends are not to think of her or invite her out. Floods of comments came in under her post about how 'you can come to my house hun' or 'if I didn't have covid you could come to me, always welcome. You know my views on lockdown' etc etc. Shocking to be honest. I know this is about me and my partner as we have her partner round to do the work. I didn't retaliate.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a huge paragraph text to me, saying that it's so unfair she's alone all weekend, all by herself and that she feels nobody considers her feelings.
Stupidly - and I take full responsibility for this - I said she can come too. I can't be dealing with the arguments. 🤦‍♀️

I FULLY follow the rules r.e covid, haven't broken a single guideline so far, and definitely don't plan to. I don't know what came over me in that split second and honestly as soon as I sent the message I instantly regretted it.

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

Im now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know she sees more people than I'd like to even think about, lockdown or not. Guidelines don't seem to matter to her. Her partner is very careful r.e covid and works most of the time to provide for them both with full PPE. Would wear this whilst in our home, too.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable her coming and feel a complete dick saying she could. I've just recently had a miscarriage and I'm still struggling tremendously. I didn't want the arguments and the grief from her on top of my own. Nobody knows about our loss, other than close family who have been our support..

I don't know how to say no to her. I know her argument would be 'if my partner can come it's no different me coming we live together' although this is true, we are in NATIONAL LOCKDOWN and should not be having her here.
The fines are extortionate. More than I care to think about and not something we can afford..

What do I do? I don't know how to let her down gently enough not to cause an argument. I just don't have the strength in me to deal with it right now.

Difficult now you have said yes, but you need to just be honest with her.

Tell her you said yes too quickly yesterday and you were reading the news today and it is making you feel nervous about her coming. How everyone is dealing with the risk differently and you are more on the cautious side so you are minimising any contacts to essential only as per the guidance and law, can you have a nice long chat over video while her dh is there instead?

Just keep repeating I know it is shit, but it makes me nervous and I'd prefer the video chat instead. You have lots of experts to back your side up she has nothing!!! Her dh being there is essential for work, and you and your dp will not be in the same room as him when he is working.

If a friend of mine had a partner who treated my own partner this way, I would expect my partner to have my back and make it clear to his mate that if he is with someone who bullies me it's his choice but my partner won't stand by and let it happen so won't be able to hang out with them as a couple. Because he wouldn't want to facilitate a situation where I'm getting abuse hurled at me!!!

@youvegottenminuteslynn Exactly.

I would be getting my DH to tell his mate about Batshit Betty's behaviour. Let him know that she bombarded you with 54 texts ranting at you for daring to have a single friend stay over instead of her and her children, or that she basically followed you at speed, driving recklessly and furiously trying to get you off the road because you had the cheek to give a friend a lift (how very dare you!). At least he should understand why his own friendship might end along with OPs and Batshit Betty's.

You could insist she stays in the room where the work is being done and wears the necessary PPE whilst she's in you house. She should not sit and socialise with you elsewhere.

So, if he's coming to tile the bathroom, tell her she has to stay in the bathroom with him whilst he's there, and not sit in your sitting room chatting over coffee.

@alotofcrazyshitoutthere no she doesn't know, only two of my very very closest friends and of course my immediate family know of what's happened.
I wouldn't want to tell her to be honest.

I don't know what mental health diagnosis she has, she claims anxiety but I'm not totally sure x

I did think about saying she could stay in the kitchen with him but I still don't know if I feel comfortable with her being here given it isn't allowed and the risks involved; fine wise.

Risk covid or tell her she can't come. Surely a bloody no brainer??.
Woman the fook up op...

Why do people need to apologize for following the law? Surely that is the default?

Tell her she has to stay with her partner and you won't be entertaining her, make endless tea and offering bikkies. She wants to come to work with her partner, she can stay with him.

She's no friend! Why are you feeling awkward? She should be feeling awkward because of her insane behaviour!

Why on earth has everyone around put up with her insane behaviour for so long? I'd block her on everything. See how much more relaxed you feel. She's batshit.

Does her partner need help to leave her?

Nobody will judge you if she comes to your house and rants at you. They will judge her.

I'm sorry for your loss. Don't tell her about it, though; she will make it all about her.

And she doesn't have anxiety. She's a liar. Anxiety does not make you act like that.

You need to stop being servile and apologetic and perfect the matter of fact and breezy approach. You can be polite and pleasant while sticking to your guns you know.

@sbhydrogen

Hey Friend,

I've been thinking about the lockdown, Covid transmission rates and social distancing. I know I invited you over as you'd be otherwise on your own over the weekend, but to be honest, I'm nervous. Your DP is going to be wearing full PPE whilst doing the work and we're going to be staying out of his way. We've not done any inside socialising, and I'm really uncomfortable. I want to be able to invite you over, but until this is all over, I'm going to retract my offer. I'm sorry! I hope you understand. Let's meet up when it's safe to do so.

Yours ever,

freshmonth

yep, this. so no nicely. if she kicks off, ignore

no.
she shouldnt be coming to the house at all
and for your MH Im not sure that you should be friends with her either.

what connections do you have? is she a parent of a kid in your kids class or is it only through your partners friendship with her partner?

Is she part of your closest friendship group?

You talk about walking on eggshells and fear of repercussions, and thats not healthy. It doesnt matter what her own MH problems are, it isnt healthy to be around someone who makes you feel this way, so if she DOES kick off, in many ways it is doing you a favour, as you have given her the ultimatum of cutting her off, which is what you do need to do.

I bet nobody gives what she says a moments headspace as being based in reality. they will smile and nod but privately think shes an absolute headcase. Enough people cutting her off will just make a new group without her. There will be a point where it is just not worth the hassle. Nobody can MAKE you be friends with her. She is not possible to be friends with

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round

He shouldn't be coming around either. It's only essential and emergency work that you should have anyone coming in to the house for, and if it was booked 6 months ago, its neither.

So really, if you are a risk averse and rule following as you say, neither one of them should be coming over.

Crikey, I’m amazed that you still want anything to do with her full stop after her previous behaviour. If she even remotely started kicking off I’d just say “that’s enough! I can’t cope with your behaviour. I’m done!” I’ve actually done this with a lady that used to keep her horse with us. I got sick of her tantrums when she wasn’t getting everything her own way so I told her to go. Yes she did have a strop, but it was worth it to see the back of her! I wondered why I’d taken so long once it was over!

I was under the impression that construction can go ahead. It's actually to finish off some ceiling work on the kitchen. We are currently living in a house that we are doing up at the same time and the ceiling structure is unsafe.

@Honeyroar I wonder if it's the same lady... she has horses 😆

He shouldn't be coming around either. It's only essential and emergency work that you should have anyone coming in to the house for, and if it was booked 6 months ago, its neither.

Is that the law?

I had a 'friend' who sounds remarkably similar.

I spent several years trying to manage the friendship because of her behaviour as i was terrified of being the object of her venom and fury. In the end DH and I had the temerity to accept a dinner invitation that she had not been invited to and she went ballistic (but only at me. Not DH, or the people who invited us- also friends).

It was hideous. But i eventually felt overwhelming relief that I had managed to break free.

@atswim2birds

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round

He shouldn't be coming around either. It's only essential and emergency work that you should have anyone coming in to the house for, and if it was booked 6 months ago, its neither.

So really, if you are a risk averse and rule following as you say, neither one of them should be coming over.

That's not actually true. Tradespeople can still carry out work in your home and it doesn't have to be essential or emergency.

This isn't friendship, it's a hostage situation.

That's not actually true. Tradespeople can still carry out work in your home and it doesn't have to be essential or emergency

That's not the information I've been given. And on the chance I'm wrong, anyone with any sense isn't getting non essential non emergency work done in their houses...especially not by friends, who are not likely to distance and leave fast as an unknown tradesperson will do.
It's very much against the spirit of lockdown, even if it is allowed (which I don't think it is)

@atswim2birds it is essential works, the structure of my ceiling in the kitchen is unsafe and we can't currently use that part of the house or the room above it.

She sounds like a child. I couldn’t be mates with her. Tell her you’re not having her round because it’s breaking the law and actually have things to do and don’t want to babysit a grown adult (maybe miss that bit out) and then stop caring what she thinks.
Let her Facebook the shit out of it for all you should care.
Take care of yourself OP

It's very much against the spirit of lockdown

Nonsense! She says he's making the ceiling safe.

What a horrible woman she is, the text message she sent you saying she would have “kicked off” would have been enough for me to say “go fuck yourself”, who cares if she kicks off. Everyone seems to be enabling her behaviour. I think once one person actually tells her, then others will probably follow suit. If she turns up after being told not to, refuse to allow her in and if she starts causing trouble then phone the police. She behaves this way because you all allow her to.