How do I say no to her...

[freshmonth]

Hello,
So ive name changed as this could be outing.

We have our friend coming round Saturday who works in construction, to begin some paid work for us that we've had booked for 5.5 months.

His partner has been my on / off friend for many years, since school but is very prone to snapping / arguing and kicking off at every single thing.. very petty at times.

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round.

This morning I woke up to a status on social media complaining about being alone all weekend and how selfish certain friends are not to think of her or invite her out. Floods of comments came in under her post about how 'you can come to my house hun' or 'if I didn't have covid you could come to me, always welcome. You know my views on lockdown' etc etc. Shocking to be honest. I know this is about me and my partner as we have her partner round to do the work. I didn't retaliate.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a huge paragraph text to me, saying that it's so unfair she's alone all weekend, all by herself and that she feels nobody considers her feelings.
Stupidly - and I take full responsibility for this - I said she can come too. I can't be dealing with the arguments. 🤦‍♀️

I FULLY follow the rules r.e covid, haven't broken a single guideline so far, and definitely don't plan to. I don't know what came over me in that split second and honestly as soon as I sent the message I instantly regretted it.

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

Im now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know she sees more people than I'd like to even think about, lockdown or not. Guidelines don't seem to matter to her. Her partner is very careful r.e covid and works most of the time to provide for them both with full PPE. Would wear this whilst in our home, too.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable her coming and feel a complete dick saying she could. I've just recently had a miscarriage and I'm still struggling tremendously. I didn't want the arguments and the grief from her on top of my own. Nobody knows about our loss, other than close family who have been our support..

I don't know how to say no to her. I know her argument would be 'if my partner can come it's no different me coming we live together' although this is true, we are in NATIONAL LOCKDOWN and should not be having her here.
The fines are extortionate. More than I care to think about and not something we can afford..

What do I do? I don't know how to let her down gently enough not to cause an argument. I just don't have the strength in me to deal with it right now.

This couldn't be easier:

"Ive developed a cough. Better not come, just in case".

We are in a pandemic- use it as the excuse, there couldn't be a better excuse!

Also- if people have had to take restraining orders out against her I'm a bit confused why on earth you'd get her partner involved in the first place.
You know what she's like- just stay away. You kind of invited this problem in.

I think it's possibly worth ending this friendship and just accepting that it's going nowhere. She's clearly slightly jealous of people, so I'd rather not be in the middle of that.

Just take responsibility for yourself and say no. She can't come.

Friends can tell each other no and mean it. So can employers, and people who don't want to spread covid, and people protecting the \nhs from total meltdown.

@freshmonth

My fiancé will be coming home in the next few hours so I will come up with some ideas with him as to what to do if she arrives. Shes had restraining orders against other ex's and friends in the past for turning up uninvited/ harassment snd damage to their properties or vehicles. I guess this is what I'm afraid of. We have not long lived here snd I hate the idea of my neighbours seeing such behaviour.. it reflects badly on us.

As weak as it sounds, ive learned that it's better to let her kick of than to be publicly humiliated and I don't have it in me right now to deal with it.

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Jesus . What ? !! Ditch it . Fast.

Really, she needs to be blocked and avoided, but you know this. If you’re not feeling strong enough to do this now, I think you should be starting to plan your way out of it in the medium term. Have a look at the trauma bonding stuff, maybe have a chat to one or two other friends in your group, but work out how you’re going to do it. That will start to change your mind set from feeling unable to stop her towards feeling able to face it. Maybe start by blocking or hiding her Facebook posts for example, that will at least reduce her interactions to direct only.

You’re probably catastrophising a little at the moment, not about what she’ll do (she is clearly a disaster zone) but about your ability to handle it. And that’s natural, especially given you've just had a miscarriage and are grieving. But you do need to create some space between you so she’s unable to feed her drama through you and so she doesn’t make you unwell.

'think it's just the overwhelming anxiety taking over me. I'm literally so jittery; every notification I get I think it's her.. I'm literally just waiting now.'

This is awful op. If you don't like standing up to her it will make you nervous and let's face it none of us need any more stress at the moment.

You really need to distance yourself from her she sounds toxic. Delete or block her number. No one should be kicking off at anyone in this current situation.

You need to cancel the other work after he has done this work and then totally block her 100%.

‘Oops, completely forgot about the new rules, it’d be illegal for you to come, so can’t risk huge fines, sorry.’

Might add that she’s probably using her ‘mental health’ as a convenient and guilt-inducing euphemism for ‘feeling fed up and pissed off at the moment’ - and she won’t be the only one.

Please block her. You do not need to deal with the relentless messages. This woman sounds unhinged and will continue to grind you down and down and down until you have no resources left at all to deal with her. Block her on all social media and methods that she can use to contact you.

Think of it as short term pain for long term gain.

She knows you are vulnerable and is taking advantage of you.
And please stop referring to her as a friend. She is no friend. She continues to behave like this because people allow her to get away with this behaviour - you, her other "friends", her partner, your partner.

If she comes to your house and starts kicking off call the police. This needs to stop.

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

This couldn't be easier:

"Ive developed a cough. Better not come, just in case".

We are in a pandemic- use it as the excuse, there couldn't be a better excuse!

As has been pointed out upthread, this wouldn’t work, as the builder then can’t come and do the work he is booked in to do.

Right OP,
Firstly, sorry for your loss and I totally understand that you feel vulnerable.
It is hard to stand up to bullies when you feel strong, so right now is even harder for you.
But this needs to stop for your MH.
I agree with posters saying block her, but I wouldn't do this yet. Why? Because I think you need to screenshot all her messages in case you need to use them as evidence of harassment or threatening behaviour in future. But please don't respond to anything she says or sends you.

I also think she might just brazen this out and turn up tomorrow. If she does, don't let her in. Your DP can sort this.
If she kicks off on the doorstep, then don't hesitate to call the police.

I think her DP enables her, and probably puts up with her awful behaviour for "a quiet life" at home. He needs to see how damaging this is, and if it means he loses future work (because ideally you will get another contractor to do future work) then so be it.

As has been pointed out upthread, this wouldn’t work, as the builder then can’t come and do the work he is booked in to do

On the contrary, I would not be wanting him to EVER come to my house if it involves the clusterfuck of this woman. There is no way OP can ever get him to come to her house without the shadow of this woman being ominously ever present. IF she blocks her and her partner still comes to do the building work it will be an absolute shit show.

The best way of avoiding this whole scenario is to cancel both of them and get another builder who doesnt have a stalking, law breaking girlfriend. There is no way OP can engage him in work without her getting angry and kicking off.

Yep, tell her a big, fat lie.

If she's happy to put you on the spot using her silly, passive aggressive methods and emotional manipulation, then she can't really expect much better. I'd personally have no conscience about it.

Re. her 'kicking off', this is one friendship I'd be walking away from. Exactly what apart from angst does this person bring to your life?

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

As has been pointed out upthread, this wouldn’t work, as the builder then can’t come and do the work he is booked in to do

On the contrary, I would not be wanting him to EVER come to my house if it involves the clusterfuck of this woman. There is no way OP can ever get him to come to her house without the shadow of this woman being ominously ever present. IF she blocks her and her partner still comes to do the building work it will be an absolute shit show.

The best way of avoiding this whole scenario is to cancel both of them and get another builder who doesnt have a stalking, law breaking girlfriend. There is no way OP can engage him in work without her getting angry and kicking off.

You don’t know any of this will happen, and in any case, it has to be the OP’s decision. She has invested in the work and the builder has bought the materials.

I'm really sorry about your miscarriage. I'm sure you know this already but she sounds genuinely psychotic.

freshmonth I am so sorry for your loss.

I am also so sorry you are being systematically bullied by this woman who is not your friend and is nothing to you but the partner/wife if your partner's friend.

You've had brilliant advice from others. Can I really recommend a few things.

Stick to your guns now, you've told her no; so no it is. If she turns up with partner, be prepared for your dp to tell her dp that you will have to postpone the work until he can come alone or buy the materials off him and have someone else do the work.

To be honest I would encourage your dp to have this conversation with her do NOW before the day the work will be done.

I would read about 'grey rock' which is a way of communicating with someone you have to speak to but do not want to reveal anything much to.

She has restraining orders against her???!

Oh gosh OP, I can see why this is causing you anxiety and stress.

I think you need to let your fiancé and her partner handle her if she shows up at your door. Agree with him that if she refuses to leave, and her partner can't convince her to leave either, you will call the police. You cannot be harassed into breaking the law OP.

I'm amazed her partner risks her ruining his livelihood by costing him clients!!

Mute/ hide her on social media till the job is done and then delete her and block her. Let mutual friends know why if they ask, that it took too much of a toll on your mental health. If she kicks off, just ignore her. If she shows up at your door and doesn't leave, call the police. Since she has restraining orders on her already, they will take it seriously.

But you need to get her out of your life. This isn't just someone needy or annoying or dramatic - she's dangerous. And you cannot keep her around if you want your sanity - it will just get worse.

Good luck and look after yourself

You don’t know any of this will happen, and in any case, it has to be the OP’s decision. She has invested in the work and the builder has bought the materials

Well thats up to the OP but if she wants to block this woman completely out of her life, engaging her partner to do work and spend time at her house is going to make it very very difficult. Its a red rag to a bull.

Personally I would want nothing to do with either of them.

To be honest I would encourage your dp to have this conversation with her dp NOW before the day the work will be done.

How embarrassing that you have given in to a bully. I'd cancel her coming. Make up some excuse so that the work is don't safely and correctly then phase this "kick off" merchant out.

Yes I find it embarrassing too but I've been though hell and back these last few weeks and frankly I just don't have the patience or the strength in me to deal with it.

@Italiangreyhound my partner has spoken to him, to say she can't come. Her partner has said he will let her know

If the man has already bought the equipment needed for the job, I'd just offer to pay for it and then get another tradesman to do the work.

OP I am sorry about your loss. Does the woman know about what has happened?

What mental health problems does she have?

If you texted her to say that you are sorry but you are not up to any company at the moment, that you won't be at home because of the work and you need some time to yourself, how would she react? It might sound better coming from you rather than your partner, and this is the crux of it, you aren't up to company at the moment?

Do you have dc?

Are there many people (or have there been in the past) in your life who you think tread on your toes like this?