How do I say no to her...

[freshmonth]

Hello,
So ive name changed as this could be outing.

We have our friend coming round Saturday who works in construction, to begin some paid work for us that we've had booked for 5.5 months.

His partner has been my on / off friend for many years, since school but is very prone to snapping / arguing and kicking off at every single thing.. very petty at times.

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round.

This morning I woke up to a status on social media complaining about being alone all weekend and how selfish certain friends are not to think of her or invite her out. Floods of comments came in under her post about how 'you can come to my house hun' or 'if I didn't have covid you could come to me, always welcome. You know my views on lockdown' etc etc. Shocking to be honest. I know this is about me and my partner as we have her partner round to do the work. I didn't retaliate.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a huge paragraph text to me, saying that it's so unfair she's alone all weekend, all by herself and that she feels nobody considers her feelings.
Stupidly - and I take full responsibility for this - I said she can come too. I can't be dealing with the arguments. 🤦‍♀️

I FULLY follow the rules r.e covid, haven't broken a single guideline so far, and definitely don't plan to. I don't know what came over me in that split second and honestly as soon as I sent the message I instantly regretted it.

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

Im now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know she sees more people than I'd like to even think about, lockdown or not. Guidelines don't seem to matter to her. Her partner is very careful r.e covid and works most of the time to provide for them both with full PPE. Would wear this whilst in our home, too.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable her coming and feel a complete dick saying she could. I've just recently had a miscarriage and I'm still struggling tremendously. I didn't want the arguments and the grief from her on top of my own. Nobody knows about our loss, other than close family who have been our support..

I don't know how to say no to her. I know her argument would be 'if my partner can come it's no different me coming we live together' although this is true, we are in NATIONAL LOCKDOWN and should not be having her here.
The fines are extortionate. More than I care to think about and not something we can afford..

What do I do? I don't know how to let her down gently enough not to cause an argument. I just don't have the strength in me to deal with it right now.

OP Do you realise that it’s illegal for her to enter your house?

So every time she kicks off, it's because she's afraid she's being left out and you're having fun without her? Does she do this to everyone in the group? Is nobody allowed to socialise (or indeed, give lifts or get essential work done 🙄) without her being present? She sounds deeply insecure. But that's not your problem - well done for saying no!

@YoniAndGuy

Good post

@goingtotown yes I do. I've followed the rules 100% and haven't bent them once. She caught me at a difficult moment and I could tell by her tone and paragraph long message to me about how she is feeling crap and her mental health is suffering because she knows she will be alone this weekend.. and I just didn't think. I know it's stupid of me and that I've made a rod for my own back, but in the moment I was so preoccupied.

Could you block her number? Even if it's just temporarily for a few days?

Write on Facebook 'What a shame we won't be seeing you due to the lockdown. Stay safe!' She'll look like an idiot if she still argues.

OP, can I ask you a question? Why don't you just block her on Facebook, on mobile, etc and ever contact her again? Why keep contact with someone that you don't like and don't want in your life? If you had a daughter and they were being bullied like this on social media, what would you suggest to them?

Block them, right?

You don't HAVE to have this vile and malignant person in your life. You can CHOOSE peace and quiet, and blocking her from all social media and your life will give you that peace and quiet.

Is there a reason why you choose to have someone in your life that bullies you and makes you feel miserable?

Yes I know it's ridiculous. I am not afraid to say, yes, I am scared of her. Not so much what she will do; although I have seen first hand what she is capable of. More of how she makes me feel, and I'm scared of how low and anxious I'm going to become.

Imagine if you read a thread on here about someone talking about their partner in this way. You would tell them to leave and never look back!

You don’t need to tell her about your loss. You could say you are going through some things and don’t have the energy to deal with her pettiness. And then if she carries on either give her a mouthful or just block and then she can’t drain your energy any more.

[quote freshmonth]@goingtotown yes I do. I've followed the rules 100% and haven't bent them once. She caught me at a difficult moment and I could tell by her tone and paragraph long message to me about how she is feeling crap and her mental health is suffering because she knows she will be alone this weekend.. and I just didn't think. I know it's stupid of me and that I've made a rod for my own back, but in the moment I was so preoccupied. [/quote]
You mention her kids . Where will they be at the weekend ? Was she going to bring them too ? How old is she ?

I think it’s best for you to block her and just let her shout into the void. Her behaviour isn’t about you, it is 100% about her. If she says awful things about you then that is only her opinion, not the truth. If other people believe her then they aren’t truly your friend.

Try to distance yourself from her, you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Being in contact with this woman is not going to do you any good.

She’s not your friend. To her the worst thing you could do to her is not think about her at all, she clearly craves attention so don’t give it to her.

[quote freshmonth]@FamilyOfAliens because she will inevitably start to kick off later and I don't have the emotional strength to deal with if. [/quote]
But why would you have to tell her about something she has no reason to know has happened? Are you saying you would have to tell her because you feel you need an excuse for her not to come round? Government guidance is enough, OP. You don’t need another reason.

You know that you don’t need to be strong to do nothing? As in, don’t read her messages, don’t open any FB notifications from her, don’t answer your phone if she calls.

First of all unfollow her on any social media. You don't need to unfriend her. Depending on what phone you have I would delete her phone number and on the iPhone you can turn on the option to filter unknown senders into a different tab on your messages so you don't have to read any abusive messages and just delete them when you want.

You know how bullies are created? And how they continue to be bullies?

Because.....good people NEVER STAND UP TO THEM. They keep getting away with it because no one calls them out. So the cycle continues. The bully is the victor who wins every single time. Because people either don't have the courage or the integrity to take a stand. It is good people like yourself that allow bullies to flourish. Nothing will ever change if you just roll over and accept it. I for the life of me, cannot understand why you would want someone like that in your life, let alone actively have her on your social media and actively engage with her. Generally if you don't like someone, you don't have anything to do with them. You are making the decision to allow her to be a bully to you and to treat you like shit. You are encouraging her to bully you. Why don't you just end the friendship, wish her well in the future, then block her? Why do you actively CHOOSE to have as a Facebook friend (and real life friend) something who treats you like shit? Do you normally befriend people who hate you and treat you like shit, and encourage them to continue treating you like shit?

You don't like her, she doesn't like you. You are not friends. Unfriend and block her. Move on.

Yes it's obvious you're scared of her BUT - you ARE able to fight back, you already did last time and told her she was on her last chance.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO ENGAGE. Nobody can make you. You can hide behind your DP and you should. Hopefully he will be only too happy to stand in front of you and look after you right now, and as he KNOWS that his friend also knows what she's like, it's not like he's going to compromise his friendship.

She will kick off - fine! Let her! Don't reply to her texts AT ALL. Your DP instead, texts his friend (with the assumption that she will be reading it) with something like 'Could you let Nut-Ella know that Freshmonth won't be replying to her messages earlier. She's really not feeling good at the moment and Nut-Ella's abuse has really upset her. To be honest it's upset me too. We really don't need this. The Covid rules are clear. See you on the weekend.'

Let her rant on FB. Let her rant to your friends. They all know what she's like.

Yes it's difficult thinking of the longer term, I assume you will have to stay 'friends' in some way through the group. What will probably happen is that if you shut down, she will rant, run out of steam, then avoid you for a bit. Gradually, things will return to normal. The only outcome will be that she will tread slightly more carefully because she knows she can only push you too far.

Out manoeuvre her now. Use your DP. Flag up to her DP through yours that she's being abusive - that will check her slightly.

So she told you that if she can’t come she’ll kick off, well let her kick off, she’s not your problem, she’s threatening you in your own home and she thinks that the present COVID restrictions don’t apply to her, tell her to take her drama elsewhere and if she starts any entitled shit tell her to fuck off and block the daft cow.

Back in the olden days, in a situation like this, we would pull the phone out of the wall, ie unplug the landline. Could you turn off your phone(s)? If she comes to the door, either don't answer it, or get your husband to answer it, wearing a mask, and tell her we can't have visitors, and close the door. I mean, there must be some strategies you can come up with between you to fend this woman off, if she should show up. These people are really strangely scary. Good luck.

No matter what it's me that gets the abuse hurled at me so I'm kind of just waiting for it now..

SHE IS A BULLY

If a friend of mine had a partner who treated my own partner this way, I would expect my partner to have my back and make it clear to his mate that if he is with someone who bullies me it's his choice but my partner won't stand by and let it happen so won't be able to hang out with them as a couple. Because he wouldn't want to facilitate a situation where I'm getting abuse hurled at me!!!

He needs to have your back and step up on this, not just on this specific situation with this weekend but her in general.

It's good he messaged her as I don't think you would have but you both need to tackle this as a team from now on. It's ridiculous - you need to learn how to handle a bully (cut them out of your life, disengage, stop looking at social media, block them) and your partner needs to back you up but also proactively make it clear he's not ok having someone in his life who bullies his fucking girlfriend!

I know her type. Posting memes about people being snakes, surrounding yourself with people who are positive because so many are negative, how it's so hard being someone who gives and never takes - always the opposite of their actual lives, to start a "u ok hun?" and then "don't wanna talk about it on here, just sick of people letting me down - pm me..." etc. Uuuuuugh.

People like that are boring, manipulative bullies.

Everyone involved needs to remember they are adults. You get to to choose who is in your life. So does your boyfriend. He's choosing to be mates with someone who likes / loves a person who bullies you, I wouldn't be ok with that.

Well done it was the right thing to do, it was madness to consider having her in the first place (which you realised). You have the law on your side here apart from anything else, don't let her spoil your weekend xx

If I offered you one hard slap now, or and unlimited number of slaps, the strength of which unknown; which would you chose?

So, block this bitch now, grasp the nettle, and look forward to a 'slap-free' life.

Ok, so she's really manipulative, and likely to kick off. To avoid as much of the drama as possible, and avoid a potential fine, and all the worry you are having, I would be VERY ILL INDEED on the day. Take to your bed, get someone to let her bloke in, if necessary. You cannot have her there, or sat on the end of her bed, as she might catch the VERY CONTAGIOUS thing you have. She must not come and it is for her own good. Stick to your guns, and if necessary stop him coming if she is going to come with him anyway. You need shot of her, by ghosting or whatever, as she is a very toxic influence in your life.

@CheetasOnFajitas

Have you turned off social media? Is there any reason you need to keep it on today? I know that she can still contact you directly but if “every notification” is giving you the jitters, do something to reduce the notifications.

Agree with this. Put your phone in another room. This sounds like a form of Trauma bonding OP. Please google this as it explains why you cant break away. There is always the futile hope that the other person will treat you well. They wont .

Sorry but she sounds completely deranged. I would suggest if your DP is not home already that when he is turn your phone off from as soon as until the guy has been and left. Dont wait for the messages just be in control and don't read them.

OP I've been in a similar situation. I was friends with a perosn who was just an all round negative, toxic person. I didn't want to end the friendship because, same as you, I knew she was capable of terrible things. But you know what? I did. Yes, it was tough at first, she basically harassed me. But now she is put of my life and I am so much happier.

I don't want to add to your worries, but it may be worth you and your DH having a plan in place for what to do if she just shows up. From what you've said I wouldn't put it past her.
I'm so sorry for your loss x

My fiancé will be coming home in the next few hours so I will come up with some ideas with him as to what to do if she arrives.
Shes had restraining orders against other ex's and friends in the past for turning up uninvited/ harassment snd damage to their properties or vehicles. I guess this is what I'm afraid of. We have not long lived here snd I hate the idea of my neighbours seeing such behaviour.. it reflects badly on us.

As weak as it sounds, ive learned that it's better to let her kick of than to be publicly humiliated and I don't have it in me right now to deal with it.

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️