How do I say no to her...

[freshmonth]

Hello,
So ive name changed as this could be outing.

We have our friend coming round Saturday who works in construction, to begin some paid work for us that we've had booked for 5.5 months.

His partner has been my on / off friend for many years, since school but is very prone to snapping / arguing and kicking off at every single thing.. very petty at times.

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round.

This morning I woke up to a status on social media complaining about being alone all weekend and how selfish certain friends are not to think of her or invite her out. Floods of comments came in under her post about how 'you can come to my house hun' or 'if I didn't have covid you could come to me, always welcome. You know my views on lockdown' etc etc. Shocking to be honest. I know this is about me and my partner as we have her partner round to do the work. I didn't retaliate.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a huge paragraph text to me, saying that it's so unfair she's alone all weekend, all by herself and that she feels nobody considers her feelings.
Stupidly - and I take full responsibility for this - I said she can come too. I can't be dealing with the arguments. 🤦‍♀️

I FULLY follow the rules r.e covid, haven't broken a single guideline so far, and definitely don't plan to. I don't know what came over me in that split second and honestly as soon as I sent the message I instantly regretted it.

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

Im now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know she sees more people than I'd like to even think about, lockdown or not. Guidelines don't seem to matter to her. Her partner is very careful r.e covid and works most of the time to provide for them both with full PPE. Would wear this whilst in our home, too.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable her coming and feel a complete dick saying she could. I've just recently had a miscarriage and I'm still struggling tremendously. I didn't want the arguments and the grief from her on top of my own. Nobody knows about our loss, other than close family who have been our support..

I don't know how to say no to her. I know her argument would be 'if my partner can come it's no different me coming we live together' although this is true, we are in NATIONAL LOCKDOWN and should not be having her here.
The fines are extortionate. More than I care to think about and not something we can afford..

What do I do? I don't know how to let her down gently enough not to cause an argument. I just don't have the strength in me to deal with it right now.

I'd tell her to fuck off

@freshmonth

She is definitely unhinged. I know it's awful of me and belittling too, but I have come to the decision recently that it's easier to get along with her than it is not to. I know what she's capable of and the things she does. It's awful. I feel like I'm in catch 22.

It may be easier but it's not safer.

She seriously could have killed someone with that dangerous driving. You need to rip off the plaster and get rid of her, chances are your other friends will follow suit and thank you for it.

Either way, she is a danger.

Oh sorry, missed your updates! Ignore.

I'm sorry, she is batshit!

Yes I know it's ridiculous. I am not afraid to say, yes, I am scared of her. Not so much what she will do; although I have seen first hand what she is capable of. More of how she makes me feel, and I'm scared of how low and anxious I'm going to become.
I am struggling at the moment as it is and certainly don't want to have to tell her about our recent loss.

OK OP I'm going to be rather blunt, I completely understand your anxiety and overwhelmed feelings surrounding your recent miscarriage 💐 but you need to stand up to this mad woman, the next text, simply reply, I warned you the last time.... You are now blocked because you are unhinged. And do it, WhatsApp, FB etc. You will probably find that the rest of the friendship group follows suit once one person does it.

You seriously do not need that level of psychoness in your life.

She sounds like a fruit cake.

You need to be honest and just say you're not happy breaking the law but will see her when things are normal.

Why would you sit waiting for her nonsense. Just block her.

New year, new dynamic in your friendship group. Tell everyone else to drop her too, I'm sure they will all be glad to do it and will do if you all do it. Strength in numbers and all that.

And if she chases you in the street, call the police.

Life is too short for this shit.

Well done for sending them the message. I hope that's making you feel stronger! Anything she sends to you in a petty tantrum will be better than having to spend the entire weekend with her in your home.

After this work is done, let this final tantrum (that I presume she's about to have) be the incentive you need to end the friendship. After all, you DID warn her the last time she behaved like this. Actions have consequences!

I had a friend like this, but not as bad. Eventually I cut her off, for the sake of my wellbeing. Because I am a nice person, I felt terrible about how this might make her feel, and if it would further affect her mental health. When she sent me messages and cards asking why, it was so difficult not to respond. I questioned my decision but reminded myself of all the awful, stressful situations she’d caused. Eventually the guilt lessened. I hope she now has a happy life, but I want no part of it.

@freshmonth

Yes I know it's ridiculous. I am not afraid to say, yes, I am scared of her. Not so much what she will do; although I have seen first hand what she is capable of. More of how she makes me feel, and I'm scared of how low and anxious I'm going to become. I am struggling at the moment as it is and certainly don't want to have to tell her about our recent loss.

Sorry, but why would you “have” to tell her?

And.....although it may sound petty I would be getting DH to have a word with the DH when he's with you, face to face to say he needs to get his wife on a leash and stop harassing you. The DH is about to lose friendships as well.

Dear Lord, she obviously has serious issues. Unfriend her on Facebook, you don’t need to see her nonsense when her DP tells her she isn’t coming. I would also block her on any number she has for you. Stop putting up with her shit.

She needs help in a big way but you are not the person to give her it. The rest of your friendship group will be secretly applauding you! If she tries to follow you/harass you, honestly, I’d phone the non-emergency number for some advice. She sounds dangerous. Single White Female comes to mind.

@FamilyOfAliens because she will inevitably start to kick off later and I don't have the emotional strength to deal with if.

I really feel for you OP and when you’re an anxious person it’s really not easy to just ‘tell her to fuck off’ as much as you’d like to! The truth is you’re in a toxic friendship with this woman. For now I would ignore, and when you can’t ignore, defer as much as possible. ‘Sorry that date doesn’t work’ or ‘I’m having some time to myself’ until her DP finishes all the work you’ve got planned and hopefully you’re feeling stronger, then you really need to evaluate your relationship with her. Does it harm your mental health having her in your life? Are there more negatives to being her friend than not? Good luck xx

She should be worrying about your wellbeing after a miscarriage, not you worrying about hers. If you give in this time she will just expect more from you in future. And you won’t escape her bad temper by giving in, she’ll be just as nasty to you next time.

anyof the tactics suggested in this thread, but don’t let her come.

You are not helping her by pandering to her. When she has no friends she will be forced to look at herself and her behaviour. Only then might she realise that her behaviour is a factor in this and she needs to seek help.

Her partner sounds very worn down by it. I would be inclined to give him the work as previously agreed. Maybe have a brief conversation with him about her and let him know that you have your own issues to deal with and cannot cope with her drama/insanity as it is affecting you personally. If he's a decent bloke he will understand. It sounds like he also needs to have decent 'sane' friends away from her.

Just say you're unwell, which is true. Not covid but you'll be in bed all day. Then, just go to bed all day.

Jesus she's a fucking nutcase! Is she like this with all her friends or only this possessive over you?

Delete and block her on Facebook, block her number on your phone, block withheld numbers for a couple of days too, just in case.

Prepare your partner and he's to tell her you cant cope with her behaviour anymore and you can't talk to her or be around her if she's going to behave like a possessive lunatic.

Just draw a line and try to stop thinking about her.

My now exh had a builder mate doing some work for us (across the road) - price of a crate of beer - his suggestion...
His gf went ballistic. Tried to make him charge us properly.. She had been his gf for a matter of weeks! We didn't agree she could come over, house full already with dc +not too friendly ddog. She wanted to bring her 2 x dc and 3 x ddogs!! First day of the job (tiling kitchen +utility floors) she texts her bf she has made him lunch and can he go home... He eye rolls and says he won't be long... He was long. Turns out she had made him a big 3 course lunch!! Bloody bizarre. He must have felt ill bent over hunched down tiling that afternoon!
Sadly, very sadly he was killed very soon after. We left our floor unfinished as I couldn't bear the idea of someone else finishing it....
She disappeared back under the rock she came from..

..

I had a friend like this.

Then she moved away to which I breathed a sigh of relief. Till she turned up at my door to continue an argument (she’s been having with herself as I couldn’t be bothered to engage). It was insane as she lived a good three hour drive away.

Then I moved away blocked her on all social media and ensured none of our mutual friends had my new address. By then we had no mutual friends she’d railroaded and bullied every single one and everyone was pleased she’d moved. But everyone was too scared to officially drop their friendship with her.

Was awful as she’d never give any consideration to what others may be going through everything was about her.

So I understand how you feel. But in the absence of being able to drop her step away from her switch phone off, block her and remove your last seen on your WhatsApp. Tell her you’re taking a social media hiatus as you need time to yourself.

I’m so sorry about your miscarriage. I needed a good long while before I stopped spontaneously bursting into tears after my MMC. You need to think about yourself here and take care of yourself. Sod the crazy woman.

How about putting a "due to recent events and my mental health I'm taking a break from social media for the time being" post up.

Presumably friends know about your loss?

Your true friends will still be there for you

Wow. If she kicks off, I'd actually get the Police to issue a Harassment Warning to her.

She is absolutely mental! Truly, truly unhinged and in actual fact sounds dangerous

OP, the friends in your circle know about her behaviour. They're in the same boat as you. There's nothing to worry about her posts on FB as all your friends roll their eyes reading it. Be brave and ignore the posts and ignore her messages etc. Be the first one to rebel and others will follow. You are not dependent on her. What's to worry about? If she tells lies about you then no-one will believe them because they know her. Even her husband knows her.
If you cannot do it on your own then go to a psychologist. I'd however ask your husband to help you instead. He sent a message and it was good he did it.
If she starts sending you abusive messages then tell her that you were doing something or busy with something and you agreed without thinking. You can't meet her and you will see her after the lockdown. That's it and ignore, ignore, ignore her. She behaves like a parasite draining energy from you, her DH and their friends. Be smarter and stronger. Be the first one in your group of circle to show her place.

@freshmonth

Yes I know it's ridiculous. I am not afraid to say, yes, I am scared of her. Not so much what she will do; although I have seen first hand what she is capable of. More of how she makes me feel, and I'm scared of how low and anxious I'm going to become. I am struggling at the moment as it is and certainly don't want to have to tell her about our recent loss.

I wonder if it would be for the best for you to come off social media a bit. Send this 'friend' a brief text and state you are coming off SM due to your mental health following your loss. Then just block abs don't re-engage until you are feeling stronger .
She sounds as if she's the type of person who only thinks of herself and has no awareness of others .

"show her where her place is"