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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"You're not autistic, you're pretty!"

153 replies

seedycookie · 07/01/2021 22:19

NC.

Just started speaking to an old friend who I've not spoken to in years via Snapchat, and we were discussing our lives in lockdown. I'm late to the autism diagnosis party (predominantly because I'm "pretty"ish and mostly socially capable in the right circumstances) and I let them know how life was going as a relatively newly diagnosed person - something which I've literally been fighting for for years.

They basically said "Nah can't be, you're way too pretty / normal looking for that". I didn't know how to respond to that and had a kind of Hmm response where I kept asking for them to clarify what that meant by that comment, and they backed off a bit and got quite sheepish, didn't really want to say what they meant but clearly believed on some level autistic people are all unattractive (and by the subtext men).

I'm loosely paraphrasing the message, but this was the core gist of it. I don't really know what my AIBU is, I'm just pissed off to be honest - I guess my AIBU is do you have an unattractive person in your head when you visualise autistic people? I have never read a thread or had a conversation about this because it comes across as boasting (clearly the worst thing a woman can do! Hmm) but it really just aggravates me. It's like saying "aw you can't have blue eyes, you're too pretty for that"!. Makes no sense.

Honestly I'm just tempted to put 1000% put effort into being the best looking version of myself and talking about my autism all the time now. "Oh you like my lipstick shade? Thanks, it's the autism that helps me look this beautiful, darling!". (kidding of course).

Sorry, rant over maybe Wink.
Apologies if this is in the wrong place too, I'm just mostly on AIBU!

(Note: since I always get this when recounting personal experience or talking about big topics, I am not a DM reporter (!!). If anything gets publicised, it's fuck all to do with me. I am also not stealth-bragging or a troll, please report if you think so. Thank you Smile.)

OP posts:
Original poster
seedycookie · 07/01/2021 22:26

hopeful bump

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 07/01/2021 22:29

I have never considered whether someone with autism is prettier than someone without. Confused.

NooneElseIsSingingMySong · 07/01/2021 22:38

The reaction I usually get tends to be “But you seem normal...”. Hmm, yes, it’s called masking and it’s exhausting. Maybe it they say that because I’m not that pretty?! It does come down to a basic lack of understanding.

borntohula · 07/01/2021 22:40

Eh my ds is autistic and he's a little beauty, not that I'm biased or anything.

feelingverylazytoday · 07/01/2021 22:43

My daughter is severely autistic, and very pretty as well. There's no connection between the two things.
Your friend sounds misinformed, tbh.

PreyingMantlepiece · 07/01/2021 22:43

My friend was discriminated against and received ableist comments today, because the bus driver didn't believe they're autistic.

My friend is as cute as a button. But I don't know what the driver expected her to look like.

I've had it as well, though I'm not pretty.

Most of my large social circle are neurodivergent, and many of my friends are quite stunningly beautiful and take great pride in their clothing and make up. Mostly alternative styles but there's no doubting that they are bloody gorgeous.

We've all had it. Whether we are flappers, lacking in eye contact, one of my friends is exceptionally extroverted unlike the majority of my group.

Your friend is being ableist and rude.

Eggcorns · 07/01/2021 22:43

But you said yourself in your post that you’re ‘late to the autism diagnosis party primarily because I’m prettyish’ — this is something you appear to think...?

Sparklesocks · 07/01/2021 22:44

They sound quite ignorant. Maybe for the best you aren’t in touch any more.

user1471548941 · 07/01/2021 22:46

I get this 🙄! I have blonde highlighted hair, wear make up and like to wear smart clothes. I also have a high powered job in an investment bank and a good degree.

I just assume that what people mean by it is that they never considered someone who is in my stereotype (young career woman with disposable income and an interest in appearance) could be autistic!

Bence69 · 07/01/2021 22:47

My son is 14 & has Autism and he is the most handsome boy I’ve seen in my life. Big brown eyes & lots of brown curly hair. X

Original poster
seedycookie · 07/01/2021 22:48

But you said yourself in your post that you’re ‘late to the autism diagnosis party primarily because I’m prettyish’ — this is something you appear to think...?

I originally got rejected for an autism diagnosis when I tried to get one during my teens, during which me being "well dressed and friendly" was part of the explanation as to why I didn't fit the criteria (amongst other things but that stuck out). So yes, I think people have a preconceived idea of what an autistic person looks like / how attractive they are.

I consider myself "attractive ish" as I have quite a few big insecurities that make me feel unattractive to myself, but as an abstract general concept I'm not going to reject the idea that other people may find me attractive. If that's conceited (or any other word someone may use against that notion) then I'm conceited.

OP posts:
Original poster
seedycookie · 07/01/2021 22:51

Good (and awful) to know other people have similar experiences. I think it's worse as it's a kind of ableism you feel pressured to not talk about, lest someone takes it as egotism. Blush

OP posts:
FuriousWithTheNHS · 07/01/2021 22:54

But you said yourself in your post that you’re ‘late to the autism diagnosis party primarily because I’m prettyish’

Struggling to see how being pretty or even just pretty-ish is a barrier to getting an autism diagnosis. Confused

Godimabitch · 07/01/2021 22:54

I'm autisitic and tbh, when I think of autistic people I dont think of beautiful people or people that take a lot of pride in their appearance. The autistics I know personally, including myself, aren't beautiful and honestly are a bit scruffy.

I wouldn't think someone wasn't autistic because they're beautiful though. People told me I wasn't autistic because I'm smart though. I think people just project the characteristics of the small pool of people they do know onto a whole group.

borntohula · 07/01/2021 22:56

I once got told my son couldn't be autistic because he laughed at loud noises. 😂 People who have no reason to know about ASD in any depth can have really weird ideas about it.

Calmandmeasured1 · 07/01/2021 22:56

Firstly, I don't associate someone's appearance with autism. I fail to see any connection between the two things.

Secondly:
Aw, you can't have autism, you're too normal for that.

Aw, you can't have autism, you're too pretty for that.

"Aw you can't have blue eyes, you're too pretty for that"!."
I don't think it is like saying the latter at all (unless you think all other eye colours are prettier than blue eyes).
You are relating what these people see as a negative thing, autism, to blue eyes as if blue eyes are viewed in a negative way.

Original poster
seedycookie · 07/01/2021 22:57

Struggling to see how being pretty or even just pretty-ish is a barrier to getting an autism diagnosis. confused

I assume you don't have lived experience of being a wrongly-undiagnosed autistic woman who doesn't present like an autistic man does and masks most of the time? It's a barrier, it's just not one people talk about.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 07/01/2021 22:58

Not seeing the connection between being attractive and autism. The two are not mutually exclusive. Confused

Original poster
seedycookie · 07/01/2021 22:58

You are relating what these people see as a negative thing, autism, to blue eyes as if blue eyes are viewed in a negative way.

I know, it was just a flippant example - no hidden meaning, just an attempt to highlight how weird it is that people make seemingly unrelated connections and vocalise them.

OP posts:
Musicalmistress · 07/01/2021 22:59

My daughter is on the pathway for an autism diagnosis. I know I'm biased but she's a proper wee beauty! She's also a master at masking so lots of people are surprised when we mention the possible diagnosis.
What a narrow minded thing for your friends to say!

Nonamesavail · 07/01/2021 22:59

People say to me...

'But you look normal'
'You are married
'You drive'

Etc

I have autism
I dont think people really understand beyond the surface.

Nonamesavail · 07/01/2021 23:00

@seedycookie

Struggling to see how being pretty or even just pretty-ish is a barrier to getting an autism diagnosis. confused

I assume you don't have lived experience of being a wrongly-undiagnosed autistic woman who doesn't present like an autistic man does and masks most of the time? It's a barrier, it's just not one people talk about.

Being a female and even getting a diagnosis is a barrier because the system is based on males. The whole thing is ridiculous x
NiceandCalm · 07/01/2021 23:00

Probably a misconception of 'days gone by' institutionalised people with extreme autism? A backhanded compliment because to them you are lovely and they wont start treating you any different, now you have a diagnosis? You'll probably get a better response and outlet if you join some ASD forums.

FuriousWithTheNHS · 07/01/2021 23:01

I assume you don't have lived experience of being a wrongly-undiagnosed autistic woman who doesn't present like an autistic man does and masks most of the time? It's a barrier, it's just not one people talk about.

Yes, you assume right. But that still doesn't explain how being slow to get a diagnosis was in any way down to the attractiveness of your face.

Sickoffamilydrama · 07/01/2021 23:02

My DD is gorgeous but still autistic I think the difficulty is people dont understand masking, sometimes I don't understand it because I'm not living it.
Don't even get me started on the having milder autism or everyone is on the spectrum a little bit that makes me want to scream.

In fairness to your friend before I had DD I only experienced people in care with autism so I may have thought similar that someone pretty who appears normal wouldn't have the same thing as the client who used to try and bite me when I forgot how many sugars he liked in his tea (extreme example I know) but a lot of people have very limited experience of any kind of neuro divergence.