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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"You're not autistic, you're pretty!"

153 replies

seedycookie · 07/01/2021 22:19

NC.

Just started speaking to an old friend who I've not spoken to in years via Snapchat, and we were discussing our lives in lockdown. I'm late to the autism diagnosis party (predominantly because I'm "pretty"ish and mostly socially capable in the right circumstances) and I let them know how life was going as a relatively newly diagnosed person - something which I've literally been fighting for for years.

They basically said "Nah can't be, you're way too pretty / normal looking for that". I didn't know how to respond to that and had a kind of Hmm response where I kept asking for them to clarify what that meant by that comment, and they backed off a bit and got quite sheepish, didn't really want to say what they meant but clearly believed on some level autistic people are all unattractive (and by the subtext men).

I'm loosely paraphrasing the message, but this was the core gist of it. I don't really know what my AIBU is, I'm just pissed off to be honest - I guess my AIBU is do you have an unattractive person in your head when you visualise autistic people? I have never read a thread or had a conversation about this because it comes across as boasting (clearly the worst thing a woman can do! Hmm) but it really just aggravates me. It's like saying "aw you can't have blue eyes, you're too pretty for that"!. Makes no sense.

Honestly I'm just tempted to put 1000% put effort into being the best looking version of myself and talking about my autism all the time now. "Oh you like my lipstick shade? Thanks, it's the autism that helps me look this beautiful, darling!". (kidding of course).

Sorry, rant over maybe Wink.
Apologies if this is in the wrong place too, I'm just mostly on AIBU!

(Note: since I always get this when recounting personal experience or talking about big topics, I am not a DM reporter (!!). If anything gets publicised, it's fuck all to do with me. I am also not stealth-bragging or a troll, please report if you think so. Thank you Smile.)

OP posts:
MilkMoon · 08/01/2021 15:46

@grannyinapram

they're probably confusing autism with downsyndrome
That's a considerably odder and more unpleasant statement than the one the OP is objecting to. Hmm
Whatup · 08/01/2021 15:54

I wouldn't be talking to someone soo dense.

TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet · 08/01/2021 15:57

I think people just have odd assumptions about autism in general.

My sister told me I couldn’t be autistic because autistic people can’t and don’t cry because they have no empathy. I’ve significantly reduced contact because of that horrible comment.

Ithinkhedidit · 08/01/2021 16:34

Have to agree with pp. Worked with many children with autism over the years (sen school) and many of them have been remarkably beautiful. It's something I've noticed and wondered about on many occasions.

Friendswithwhenifits · 08/01/2021 16:48

I think people do visualise a “geek” ie good at Maths and science? I could be wrong. I noticed with alarm that in a recent news report where an innocent person was murdered through no fault of their own, the press made a big deal about them being autistic as if it “explained” it in some way. I am sure they wouldn’t treat a cancer sufferer the same way and I felt it wasn’t in the best taste considering the situation. I think you are helping to break down stereotypes and normalise diagnoses.

Daisychainsandglitter · 08/01/2021 17:24

What a strange thing of your 'friend' to say!
My DD is autistic and she's quite pretty although I'm biased Grin
She does mask quite a bit and on the other hand comes across as a bit quirky but you would never be able to tell from looking at her and she's perfectly able to have a conversation with a stranger. This is why autism is a hidden disability. People who don't know a person don't realise the difficulties that people face.

secular89 · 08/01/2021 17:45

I have to be honest.. and it has been discussed as a "thing". I find that most of the Autistic children I have met are good looking.

956806416ak · 08/01/2021 17:54

I have a very attractive child with ASD. Really strikingly beautiful, to my great surprise, so no I would never think this. In fact I read an expert on the subject who observed that children with ASD often have 'elfin' features which sounds attractive to me!

956806416ak · 08/01/2021 17:56

That said, my child doesn't care about how they look, will wear anything and often has a blank expression.

flattyres · 08/01/2021 17:56

I have a severe autistic DD and she is very very beautiful. We get often comments about her. My NT DD is also beautiful but not quite so striking. Actually, when I look at the class photos of my autistic DD (she is in SS), all the children are rather beautiful - its very different when I look at class pictures of my other child Blush

I once read some theory about the development of an embryo and how the brain forms slightly differently and this giving slightly different proportions of those with ASD giving them a more attractive appearance. I have no idea if that was a lot of BS or if there is actually some substance but looking at the children with ASD I know (plenty), I would say that they indeed tend to be more beautiful than those who are NT.

Haggertyjane · 08/01/2021 18:01

I think its typical of a negative steriotype that ASD has. For many NT people the only autistic people they see are those on the severe end of the spectrum, whereas the majority look like anyone else and behave like everyone else. Its more of an internal dissonance

M0rT · 08/01/2021 18:29

I understand your point and think you are right in that your appearance twinned with masking probably did play a large part in your delayed diagnosis.
But like pp I have worked with people with autism/co-morbid learning difficulties in the past and the attractiveness of the autistic children was recognised as a concern.
So I would be more likely to assume a stranger with poor social skills was autistic if they were also good looking...not helpful either really but I'm honest about my biases.

patchworkthedog · 08/01/2021 19:13

It is so frustrating that most of us autistic women/girls mask our behaviours just in order to survive, but then our ability to mask results in us not being diagnosed. The cycle of suffering continues on into adulthood. I was diagnosed very late in the game after having breakdowns because I was living without any accommodations that I desperately needed. I wish more was done to readdress this imbalance.

patchworkthedog · 08/01/2021 19:16

Although addressing the OP's main point, I am ugly but it has nothing to do with my autism lol

ContessaDiPulpo · 08/01/2021 19:27

Skimmed the thread.

I imagine an autistic pretty girl would almost automatically be welcomed by the other pretty girls in her class (at most age groups) and be embraced as part of the 'popular' group. If said autistic girl learns the social rules quickly, she has a ready-made set of friends and appears socially included. Therefore, she won't seem like an obvious example of an autistic child. I imagine this is less of a thing amongst the boys. So I think appearance can certainly influence perception of whether a person is autistic or not.

As an aside, my possibly autistic DS is beyond gorgeous - even strangers coo over him (and he's 8) Confused

secular89 · 08/01/2021 20:25

*..pretty girls in her class (at most age groups) and be embraced as part of the 'popular' group..."

Not necessarily. I see that more in adulthood. The popular girls in my primary and secondary were not particularly attractive but they were very sociable, deemed as cool and often were the trouble makers. Looks can only take you so far- it's about your personality as well.

Trinacham · 08/01/2021 20:45

My husband is handsome but he doesn't have a sense of style or know what looks nice (how to do his hair etc) which i think is typical of an autistic person, so I get it in that sense, which is probably what she meant?

Original poster
seedycookie · 08/01/2021 20:49

he doesn't have a sense of style or know what looks nice (how to do his hair etc) which i think is typical of an autistic person,

Why do you think it's typical of an autistic person?

OP posts:
Trinacham · 08/01/2021 20:52

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

I get 'but you look/act normal??!?!' all the time as well. It's tiresome.
Tbh, when I was first dating my husband, he told me he was on the spectrum, and my reaction was shock, and I pretty much thought what you just quoted! It is just ignorance. What I thought autism was is completely different to what I know it as now!!
Trinacham · 08/01/2021 21:01

@seedycookie

he doesn't have a sense of style or know what looks nice (how to do his hair etc) which i think is typical of an autistic person,

Why do you think it's typical of an autistic person?

Just something I've noticed from people I've met (including the person I'm married to!) - and someone above posted somethin similar. My hubby is very laidback and has never worried about fitting in or having a particular style.. which I find attractive! Of course one autistic person is just one and all are different, but it seems to be typical, from my experience. Could be more of a male thing too.
Original poster
seedycookie · 08/01/2021 21:04

I mean fair enough, Trinacham, I wouldn't necessarily call it "typical of an autistic person". I think most people are laidback in terms of appearance based on who you see when you pop to the shops, for example - I'm not sure it's an autism trait.

I'm usually embarrassingly overdressed anyway Grin

OP posts:
Trinacham · 08/01/2021 21:09

Well ok then, it was just a thought. Maybe she just meant ugly then. I was hoping she wouldn't be that idiotic though.

Original poster
seedycookie · 08/01/2021 21:11

Well ok then, it was just a thought. Maybe she just meant ugly then. I was hoping she wouldn't be that idiotic though.

No that's fine, I'm not cutting down your personal anecdote I'm just saying it probably isn't a generalised symptom IYSWIM. And yes, I think ugliness / undesirability was the undertone, unfortunately.

OP posts:
catsarethebestestanimals · 08/01/2021 21:12

@Haggertyjane you are right that autism is an internal dissonance however the spectrum is so vast that it’s hard to know what a diagnosis means.
Take my boyfriend - diagnosed at the age of 11 due to disruptive behaviour, motor issues etc. He is the classic ‘autistic’ with some difficulty reading social cues but with a lot of work most people can’t tell.
Then there’s me, who pursued a diagnosis after a brief spell in therapy during a difficult period in uni. Nevertheless the only difficulties it causes me are in my closest relationships (I.e. need a lot of alone time, gets v engrossed in things,create lists of anything and everything). I would say that my ability to decipher and work with rules, both social and technical have actually worked to my advantage.
In this context ‘pretty’ is offensive because it implies that autistic people are ugly. In general however I think YANBU to be offended only if people don’t think you’re autistic in the context of making reasonable accommodations for your disability.
Otherwise who cares whether people believe you are autistic or not? For me most people I meet can’t tell and I see no reason for them to know either!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/01/2021 21:13

No
The two I’m closest two are lovely looking kids
Your friends just ... wrong 😑
That’s not a normal way to think !