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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"You're not autistic, you're pretty!"

153 replies

seedycookie · 07/01/2021 22:19

NC.

Just started speaking to an old friend who I've not spoken to in years via Snapchat, and we were discussing our lives in lockdown. I'm late to the autism diagnosis party (predominantly because I'm "pretty"ish and mostly socially capable in the right circumstances) and I let them know how life was going as a relatively newly diagnosed person - something which I've literally been fighting for for years.

They basically said "Nah can't be, you're way too pretty / normal looking for that". I didn't know how to respond to that and had a kind of Hmm response where I kept asking for them to clarify what that meant by that comment, and they backed off a bit and got quite sheepish, didn't really want to say what they meant but clearly believed on some level autistic people are all unattractive (and by the subtext men).

I'm loosely paraphrasing the message, but this was the core gist of it. I don't really know what my AIBU is, I'm just pissed off to be honest - I guess my AIBU is do you have an unattractive person in your head when you visualise autistic people? I have never read a thread or had a conversation about this because it comes across as boasting (clearly the worst thing a woman can do! Hmm) but it really just aggravates me. It's like saying "aw you can't have blue eyes, you're too pretty for that"!. Makes no sense.

Honestly I'm just tempted to put 1000% put effort into being the best looking version of myself and talking about my autism all the time now. "Oh you like my lipstick shade? Thanks, it's the autism that helps me look this beautiful, darling!". (kidding of course).

Sorry, rant over maybe Wink.
Apologies if this is in the wrong place too, I'm just mostly on AIBU!

(Note: since I always get this when recounting personal experience or talking about big topics, I am not a DM reporter (!!). If anything gets publicised, it's fuck all to do with me. I am also not stealth-bragging or a troll, please report if you think so. Thank you Smile.)

OP posts:
Sinful8 · 07/01/2021 23:16

Is it possible she was thinking of downs syndrome?

Mrsfrumble · 07/01/2021 23:17

Hmmm, did you know that Hans Asperger commented on the exceptional beauty of some of the autistic children he studied? I think DS (who has ASD) is astonishingly good looking, and my niece (also autistic) is honestly the most beautiful child I’ve ever laid eyes on (I’m very objective, as you can tell Grin)

But seriously, people have all kinds of weird ideas about what apparently discounts any official diagnosis of autism. DS is noisy and gregarious and I’ve often been told he “can’t really be autistic.

MollyButton · 07/01/2021 23:17

Someone I know once described Autistic boys as often looking "Angelic", which I think is because they often don't get those guilty/mischievous expressions other children do. They can also have lovely smiles (the children who do smile).
For women with Autism there are the scruffy ones and the ones without a hair out of place - but also likely to be some somewhere in the middle.

It is harder for women to get a diagnosis as they are better able to mask. One of my DDs went through a lot of school being seen as a good "middling girl" - at the same time she was going through agonies as she didn't understand situations and was massively under performing (as again so much of her intellect and energy was going on just trying to make sense of the world around her). And I was written off as a bit of a fussy mum, making a fuss about nothing.

clpsmum · 07/01/2021 23:17

I didn't read past predominately because I'm pretty. Get over yourself many people with and without autism are pretty. My dc was diagnosed at 3 guess they must be pretty damn ugly ffs

Ellie56 · 07/01/2021 23:18

Some people are just ignorant and ill informed twats. Hence stupid remarks like, "He doesn't look autistic." Hmm

Still haven't found out what autistic looks like.

hiredandsqueak · 07/01/2021 23:20

My son and daughter look very young for their age ds is 25 but would easily pass for 14 and dd is almost 18 but looks about 11. It was noted on both of their multi disciplinary assessments.

VanGoghsDog · 07/01/2021 23:20

For women with Autism there are the scruffy ones and the ones without a hair out of place - but also likely to be some somewhere in the middle.

Just like people then?

HasTrumpFkdOffYet · 07/01/2021 23:21

What a cheeky cow.

My DH, DS and DSS all have autism and they all have good looks.

TrialOfStyle · 07/01/2021 23:22

Your friend is ill-informed

But you said yourself that you weren’t diagnosed because you were ‘well dressed and friendly’. What does that have to do with attractiveness? You can be well dressed, friendly and be less attractive or very attractive but badly dressed and unfriendly.

Girlyracer · 07/01/2021 23:23

Yes I think this harps back to decades ago. People who we now know had functioning autism were just known as oddballs. They were in our schools and in the street and they were the kids who weren't fashionable in their clothes or hair, hence appearing unattractive. Add to that some behaviours. And I would say some parents gave up on their children as they didn't know what was wrong and hit brick walls.

On the other hand being autistic doesn't make you more attractive either. Changelings/fairies? That's a load of bollocks!

Original poster
seedycookie · 07/01/2021 23:23

As an aside, you don't have to answer if you don't want to, but why would you mask when looking for an autism diagnosis? It seems kind of counter productive or is masking not a conscious thing?

I hear that, but it's unfortunately rarely voluntary. Almost all of my reactions in relation to other people (especially people who I've not met before) I have the barriers up and it's usually pre-planned statements to appear socially acceptable. Not sure if that makes sense, but it's an ingrained coping mechanism that I got from childhood, as many autistic people do.

Do you find that NT people don't get where you are coming from or trying to say even when you are being very clear?

I think people tend to assume some of my bluntness is rudeness, which is maybe what's happening here. e.g I should potentially have skirted round the issue by saying "personally I think I'm a hideous troll so I don't know what anyone sees in me" but I think that plays into the idea that women can't ever state that they're generally quite attractive. Maybe some people are intentionally missing the point, I'm not sure!

Very sorry to hear you're worn out, all the best of luck to you and your DD. Hopefully these stereotypes will get sorted out soon so more autistic women and girls like us don't have to suffer with the diagnosis process / social stigma anymore x

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 07/01/2021 23:23

why would you mask when looking for an autism diagnosis? It seems kind of counter productive or is masking not a conscious thing?

A) not conscious, you don't know until it's pointed out and then you think ah, that's why I'm so fucking tired all the time, and B) so ingrained it's really hard not to.

supersplodge · 07/01/2021 23:25

Of course looks and your personality are completely unconnected! But - actually I did a lot of reading when DS was diagnosed and there is a school of thought that a lot of autistic people tend to be on the attractive side of looks!

I think the theory was that they may be a little 'other-worldly' so can appear fey or relaxed and this looks attractive to others.

Probably total rubbish but of course my DS is gorgeous!

I'm sure you are too. But no - I have never heard of people thinking those on the spectrum are UNattractive! That's quite weird.....

Murmurur · 07/01/2021 23:28

You will soon build up a stock of these experiences. We've had but he's so good, he's so quiet, he's so talkative, he's got too many friends, he behaves just fine for me, "I have considerable experience of autism and he definitely isn't" and most commonly "but he's so clever".

Just add this one to the bucket and get on with your life. I don't think there is much to be gained by treating "too pretty" as anything different. They are just proving they know less about autism than you do - which is to be expected. Correct them kindly and get on with your day.

supersplodge · 07/01/2021 23:28

Sorry - hadn't RTFT, see this was already mentioned several times......Grin

VanGoghsDog · 07/01/2021 23:29

Probably because you're not severely, life limitingly autistic?

Is autism "life limiting"? Not sure I understand this comment. Must be my life limiting autism causing problems again.....

Original poster
seedycookie · 07/01/2021 23:29

I didn't read past predominately because I'm pretty. Get over yourself many people with and without autism are pretty.

I've not said they aren't. I've also not said attractiveness and autism are necessarily correlated (because to be frank, other than personal anecdotes of the autistic people I've met, I'd have no idea). I've just made a thread responding to someone else somehow thinking they're inherently correlated.

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 07/01/2021 23:29

I suspect it's a sexism thing.

Autism has been unhelpfully linked to 'extreme male brain' which has knackered diagnoses for women and girls, and set up a 'type' in the imagination of the general public.

I'm not autistic but always had a strong preference for sciences and maths, and no interest in how I looked. That apparently baffled people even in the 90s and I know things have got worse. Because I was 'pretty'. One bloke in a pub flatly refused to believe I have a degree in the subject I have.

It's bog standard sexism op.

He's a wanker. And bizarrely probably thought he was paying you a compliment :/

Don't pay it any mind.

Sinful8 · 07/01/2021 23:31

@VanGoghsDog

Probably because you're not severely, life limitingly autistic?

Is autism "life limiting"? Not sure I understand this comment. Must be my life limiting autism causing problems again.....

I imagine a non verbal autistic persons life is limited by thier condition.
Original poster
seedycookie · 07/01/2021 23:31

It's bog standard sexism op.

Yep, I agree! Without pointing fingers, I also think it's a little bit sexist that people are focusing on me saying "I'm pretty ish" (how dare I?) rather than the ableism that was spewed. Current state of affairs though.

OP posts:
Cailleach1 · 07/01/2021 23:32

It must be a relief to have a diagnosis.

One thing did make me chuckle when I looked up the symptoms in adult women. They say someone with autism may have a propensity to warble on and on about a favourite subject, irrespective of whether their audience shows any interest or not. I know a few people like that.

longdressed · 07/01/2021 23:36

I'm autistic and pretty, and have experienced similar. Lots of 'you're more weird than I first expected you to be' and 'being autistic won't be as hard for you as though because you're attractive' and lots of complete disbelief when they find out, and when questioned why they're so shocked, my attractiveness is mentioned.

Original poster
seedycookie · 07/01/2021 23:36

It must be a relief to have a diagnosis.

It very much is. Thank you! Smile

They say someone with autism may have a propensity to warble on and on about a favourite subject, irrespective of whether their audience shows any interest or not. I know a few people like that.

I did voluntary Class Talks ( / powerpoint presentations) when I was in primary school so I could talk about my interests Grin I was very annoying, not much has changed! They're usually referred to as Special Interests in various autism communities, I follow a few autism blogs on Tumblr and it's quite interesting to read what sorts of things people fixate on and enjoy.

Lots of trains and plant illustrations based on the small niche I've seen Grin

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 07/01/2021 23:42

Special Interests made me smile.

Strangely blokes have had a free rein to focus on special Interests irrespective of the audience forever...

Anyway yes it's bog standard sexism.

Good luck OP and I hope this thread though mixed has made you feel better Smile

DumplingsAndStew · 07/01/2021 23:42

I'm dubious about how/if this actually happened. But great to hear how pretty you are Hmm