"You're not autistic, you're pretty!"

[seedycookie]

NC.

Just started speaking to an old friend who I've not spoken to in years via Snapchat, and we were discussing our lives in lockdown. I'm late to the autism diagnosis party (predominantly because I'm "pretty"ish and mostly socially capable in the right circumstances) and I let them know how life was going as a relatively newly diagnosed person - something which I've literally been fighting for for years.

They basically said "Nah can't be, you're way too pretty / normal looking for that". I didn't know how to respond to that and had a kind of response where I kept asking for them to clarify what that meant by that comment, and they backed off a bit and got quite sheepish, didn't really want to say what they meant but clearly believed on some level autistic people are all unattractive (and by the subtext men).

I'm loosely paraphrasing the message, but this was the core gist of it. I don't really know what my AIBU is, I'm just pissed off to be honest - I guess my AIBU is do you have an unattractive person in your head when you visualise autistic people? I have never read a thread or had a conversation about this because it comes across as boasting (clearly the worst thing a woman can do! ) but it really just aggravates me. It's like saying "aw you can't have blue eyes, you're too pretty for that"!. Makes no sense.

Honestly I'm just tempted to put 1000% put effort into being the best looking version of myself and talking about my autism all the time now. "Oh you like my lipstick shade? Thanks, it's the autism that helps me look this beautiful, darling!". (kidding of course).

Sorry, rant over maybe .
Apologies if this is in the wrong place too, I'm just mostly on AIBU!

(Note: since I always get this when recounting personal experience or talking about big topics, I am not a DM reporter (!!). If anything gets publicised, it's fuck all to do with me. I am also not stealth-bragging or a troll, please report if you think so. Thank you .)

I'm dubious about how/if this actually happened. But great to hear how pretty you are hmm

If you think I'm a troll, report me. I've literally called myself "pretty-ish". Hardly comparing myself to Angelina Jolie, am I!

🤦🏻‍♀️

@Elisheva

Actually autistic children are likely to be more attractive than normal. It’s a feature of autism that has been commented on by a number of researchers, including Hans Asperger, and contributed to the myth of autistic children being ‘fairy children’ or changlings. It’s a phenomenon that hasn’t been fully explored/explained but it’s definitely a ‘thing’.

I was about to say something similar - it's a well-known fact that many autistic children are beautiful. My DD is autistic and she's a little stunner. Most of the autistic people I know are above average in looks. And yes, it does count against them. People don't want to believe. Masking has a lot to answer for - my daughter masks all day and is the 'perfect' pupil, and then comes home and turns into a demonically possessed teenager.

What is the problem with a woman calling herself attractive? Why are people so offended by it?

So sick of women having to be oh-so-unaware of their looks - are attractive women supposed to coyly act as though they are oblivious to it so that they don't offend/evoke other people's jealousy and bitterness?

I don't understand the unpleasant posts towards OP.

Are some women so insecure that they need to bitch on to a woman with autism who is reporting what someone said to her?

That's pretty pathetic tbh. And unpleasant.

I was pretty when young. It's a fact :) some girls/ women are pretty, in case that wasn't generally known

So sick of women having to be oh-so-unaware of their looks - are attractive women supposed to coyly act as though they are oblivious to it so that they don't offend/evoke other people's jealousy and bitterness?

Yep, seems so (even on a quite feminist-oriented forum like MN). As mentioned above I was thinking about tiptoeing around it but if people are going to get upset about me saying "pretty ish" the problem they have is not to do with me.

And thank you for that meme WeMarchOn I really like it!

One of my friends told me years ago that children with ASD tend to have more symmetrical features and therefore better looking than average. She is a teacher who’s specialism is autism.

@VanGoghsDog

Probably because you're not severely, life limitingly autistic?

Is autism "life limiting"? Not sure I understand this comment. Must be my life limiting autism causing problems again.....

Yes, for some it is. Some of us function well and live good independent lives with some struggles while others are severely disabled and others lie in between.

Mine used to be lovely looking...now we have sullen teen. Perhaps they have become more autistic! [Sarcastic]

Well done on pulling them up on it.

Did you re-educate your friend? You shouldn't have to, but it would probably be the most useful outcome of the exchange.

What an odd thing to say.
Does your friend know what autistic means ?
Maybe she’s mixing it up with something.....I can’t think what though

I imagine a non verbal autistic persons life is limited by thier condition.

Hmmm. The term "life limiting" usually means that you will die young. Not that your life experience is limited on a day to day basis.

One of my friends told me years ago that children with ASD tend to have more symmetrical features and therefore better looking than average

This is interesting. A boyfriend years ago told me I was pretty because my face was very symmetrical. I never thought much about it to be honest.

Did you re-educate your friend? You shouldn't have to, but it would probably be the most useful outcome of the exchange.

I kept pressing for an explanation and then essentially said "I'm going to take that as a backwards compliment and I appreciate that you think I'm pretty, but autistic people are not a homogenous mass and to suggest so is offensive". Then I sent some links to autism info / ASAN etc.

So probably a very sanctimonious and annoying response to receive but hopefully (?) a win for the autism community if my former friend actually decides to listen.

Some of us function well and live good independent lives with some struggles while others are severely disabled and others lie in between.

I know that, I'm not stupid. But that is not what the phrase "life limiting" usually means.

Me, I look like I have been pulled through a hedge backwards, dragged round the garden and stuffed back through the hedge again..

There are all sorts of misconceptions, preconceptions and assumptions around autism just as there are about other conditions. I’m often told I look too healthy/ young looking/ normal to have the serious genetic condition that I’ve got. I’m not sure what people expect those of us who don’t fit the Standard boxes when it comes to how our brains or other parts aren’t wired up. All we can do is put it down to a lack of knowledge and if we can be bothered to set people straight. Mostly this sort of comment Is well meant.

@seedycookie

Did you re-educate your friend? You shouldn't have to, but it would probably be the most useful outcome of the exchange.

I kept pressing for an explanation and then essentially said "I'm going to take that as a backwards compliment and I appreciate that you think I'm pretty, but autistic people are not a homogenous mass and to suggest so is offensive". Then I sent some links to autism info / ASAN etc.

So probably a very sanctimonious and annoying response to receive but hopefully (?) a win for the autism community if my former friend actually decides to listen.

WIN

Good to hear you stuck to your point, OP. Nice work.

@VanGoghsDog

I imagine a non verbal autistic persons life is limited by thier condition.

Hmmm. The term "life limiting" usually means that you will die young. Not that your life experience is limited on a day to day basis.

One of my friends told me years ago that children with ASD tend to have more symmetrical features and therefore better looking than average

This is interesting. A boyfriend years ago told me I was pretty because my face was very symmetrical. I never thought much about it to be honest.

I imagine with out care a non verbal autistic will be dead on the streets in fairly short order....

Me, I look like I have been pulled through a hedge backwards, dragged round the garden and stuffed back through the hedge again..

I'm sure you don't, but your username would be very apt if that were true, BlackEyedSusan

*WIN smile

Good to hear you stuck to your point, OP. Nice work.*

Thank you Eckhart I appreciate that!

@BlackeyedSusan

Me, I look like I have been pulled through a hedge backwards, dragged round the garden and stuffed back through the hedge again..

That sounds like a great afternoon's fun to me...

My son is autistic and bloody gorgeous. If he had the confidence he could be a model (been approached).

I imagine with out care a non verbal autistic will be dead on the streets in fairly short order....

What a dehumanising way of talking about someone

You even mentioned yourself that you're pretty. So why was the friend wrong for saying the same thing.

You even mentioned yourself that you're pretty. So why was the friend wrong for saying the same thing.confused

Because autistic people can be pretty, and it's insulting to equate autism with ugliness? Calling me pretty as an isolated compliment is A-OK and well appreciated, ableism isn't really.