"You're not autistic, you're pretty!"

[seedycookie]

NC.

Just started speaking to an old friend who I've not spoken to in years via Snapchat, and we were discussing our lives in lockdown. I'm late to the autism diagnosis party (predominantly because I'm "pretty"ish and mostly socially capable in the right circumstances) and I let them know how life was going as a relatively newly diagnosed person - something which I've literally been fighting for for years.

They basically said "Nah can't be, you're way too pretty / normal looking for that". I didn't know how to respond to that and had a kind of response where I kept asking for them to clarify what that meant by that comment, and they backed off a bit and got quite sheepish, didn't really want to say what they meant but clearly believed on some level autistic people are all unattractive (and by the subtext men).

I'm loosely paraphrasing the message, but this was the core gist of it. I don't really know what my AIBU is, I'm just pissed off to be honest - I guess my AIBU is do you have an unattractive person in your head when you visualise autistic people? I have never read a thread or had a conversation about this because it comes across as boasting (clearly the worst thing a woman can do! ) but it really just aggravates me. It's like saying "aw you can't have blue eyes, you're too pretty for that"!. Makes no sense.

Honestly I'm just tempted to put 1000% put effort into being the best looking version of myself and talking about my autism all the time now. "Oh you like my lipstick shade? Thanks, it's the autism that helps me look this beautiful, darling!". (kidding of course).

Sorry, rant over maybe .
Apologies if this is in the wrong place too, I'm just mostly on AIBU!

(Note: since I always get this when recounting personal experience or talking about big topics, I am not a DM reporter (!!). If anything gets publicised, it's fuck all to do with me. I am also not stealth-bragging or a troll, please report if you think so. Thank you .)

I think a big part of the problem is that a lot of people think of an autistic person as being someone stuck in a wheelchair in a 'home', non-verbal, drooling perhaps? Having to be bathed and fed and not being able to function at all by themselves. People don't realise that autistic people can be extremely intelligent, able people.

Why the name change? There was a thread about prejudice and autism deleted yesterday. It was from a PBP and there was some accusation of sock puppeting too.

There was a thread about prejudice and autism deleted yesterday. It was from a PBP and there was some accusation of sock puppeting too.

I've not seen that thread but if it was from a PBP and you suspect that I am that poster, you should report me. I can't do much other than saying I'm not a troll / PBP.

And if I were using sock puppet accounts, they'd probably be a lot nicer than some PPs have been!

@VanGoghsDog

For women with Autism there are the scruffy ones and the ones without a hair out of place - but also likely to be some somewhere in the middle.

Just like people then?

Quite possibly the most magnificent dry evisceration ever. Please be my friend. We are both autistic so we must be the same.

@Girlyracer

Yes I think this harps back to decades ago. People who we now know had functioning autism were just known as oddballs. They were in our schools and in the street and they were the kids who weren't fashionable in their clothes or hair, hence appearing unattractive. Add to that some behaviours. And I would say some parents gave up on their children as they didn't know what was wrong and hit brick walls.

On the other hand being autistic doesn't make you more attractive either. Changelings/fairies? That's a load of bollocks!

Are we sure about this though? I only found out my DS was autistic when he stopped talking and I thought "hmm, that's not supposed to happen." I thought it was 'regressive autism' but now I think he must be a changeling, it's the most obvious answer.

Sorry you have had to have a friend undermine your diagnosis.

I think being attractive can give people (not just autistic people) massive advantages in society so they are forgiven all kinds of behaviours and get better treated in lots of social situations.

A very tall, dark and handsome male relative of mine has Aspergers and I think he can sort of charm his way through certain social situations by masking. For example, at work he makes a massive mental effort - but he finds it absolutely exhausting and falls apart when he gets home.

Also on early phase dates women throw themselves at him so are more fixated on his "beauty" than on his aspie behaviours. It's only when you know him well/spend a lot of time with him/don't fancy him because he's your relation that it is obvious that he is not neurotypical.

I guess people follow Hollywood stereotypes of what it means/hope it looks to be neurodiverse? Though I think that is changing now.

My toddler is also on the pathway to an autism diagnosis. He's just beautiful and bright in his own way. I told my family and their reaction was "but he's so intelligent!". Same with my friends, there was a rush to tell me that he's still smart. I was so annoyed they thought this was even an issue but I guess they are just trying to be reassuring and helpful in their own annoying way.

*how it looks

By Hollywood, I mean going from Rainman to Big Bang Theory (the whole gang, not just Sheldon) to Queen's Gambit is progression.

I get 'but you look/act normal??!?!' all the time as well. It's tiresome.

Sorry you're having to put up with this daft attitude OP. The one trait I associate with autistic people is a good sense of humour. Physical appearance is not relevant at all. People are sometimes a bit stupid.

The 'I look normal' trope. Thing is, a lot of the time I think I do but somewho I always 'look' autistic (or different in terms that many people STILL don't believe that at 40-something mum can be autistic).

For me, I can generally be sociable but it is so tiring - like a hard gym workout at the end. It isn't so bad in some ways working in STEM but I find it is artificial social situations that are the worst - e.g group exercises, 'forced' socialization or job interviews. It is no surprise that many capable autistic people are unemployed since most HR people have no knowledge and less impetus to learn about the autistic workforce.

I’m with you!

I once told someone I had epilepsy and the look of shock on her face was insane.

She said, “No way, you are too pretty to have that, you look so normal.”

I told her I did have it.

She then said, “Blimey, you wouldn’t think it to look at you.”

Very, very bizarre.

A psychologist said it to me about DD within 15 minutes of her first assessment She said "she doesn't look autistic she is very pretty" She was 5.
DD had long blonde hair now a preteen she is a non binary with side shaved short hair .

People see someone who looks normal and assume that they are healthy. It's part of human nature, we see ourselves as normal and therefore people who are also normal comply with our assumption of what they should look like. We expect people with disabilities to be obvious, else how can we look after or avoid them?

It's the reason the term "hidden disabilities" exists, the reason genuinely exempt people are indistinguishable from those who can't be arsed to wear a face covering in the shop, the reason people have to have blue badges to prove their disability when it comes to the prime parking spaces.

I have severe depression and suicidal tendencies. Most people don't realise this and are surprised if I tell them. That's because they're not seeing me crying all evening or peering over the edge of the roof of the multi-storey. They only see me in work settings, or social settings, when I am able to hold it together. But I don't blame them for that, because if I look and act like a normal person to them, why should they?

I think OP has a point.

Masking is the key to 'pass'. Stereotypical good looks must help. As they also help with life in general.

I'm also surprised at the hostility at OP saying she's pretty. What is that, is she not coy enough for them? Envy? Misogyny? Weird in any case.

I always get the same response when I tell people I'm autistic: "No, you're not! You're normal."

It drives me insane! Yes, you're completely right. Your assessment of me after meeting me a few times holds more weight than that of a clinical psychologist. Please do go and correct him lol

I'm also surprised at the hostility at OP saying she's pretty. What is that, is she not coy enough for them? Envy? Misogyny? Weird in any case.

Yes the pressure to be almost deceitfully coy on an online anonymous forum is quite strange, I'll be honest! Then again I suppose people potentially have the natural response of "No, you're not" to someone suggesting they might be pretty.

Ok I really hope this doesn’t come across the wrong way but I’ve worked with children and In my experience the ones with autism have been exceptionally attractive.

Lots of people have mentioned this, it's a very interesting thing I hadn't heard of! I think there's a study (forgive me if I'm wrong) that the bacteria in your gut changes if you have autism / the two things are linked somehow, so I wouldn't be surprised if it could affect your attractiveness on some level.

People usually do associate being cool with quite cold and pensive, so maybe it's a subconscious association of some kind.

Thank you to everyone for their posts, very much enjoying reading them!

Surely OP's point is that there is NO correlation between autism and relative attractiveness but some people act like autistic people will be unatrractive - she's annoyed that she was a) initially refused a diagnosis because she was too attractive to fit the doctor's mental steroetype for autism (presumably he thought all autistic people would be unattractive), and b) her mate then also implied she assumed all autistic people would be unattractive. In short, many people assume disabled and non-NT people will be unattractive, and that's really shitty.

Amen, you get it Throckmorton

Anecdotally - when I was younger, fit and working (so well groomed) I was diagnosed with GAD and MDD. When I was older, ill and gave less of a shit, I was diagnosed with ASD.

@seedycookie

Amen, you get it Throckmorton

Incidentally, when I was suffering with my MH post-natally, I was blasély written off as PND - despite my existing MH diagnoses - by a biased, male MH nurse.
So when I went to investigate potential ASD, I went around my GP surgery and straight to the psych.

they're probably confusing autism with downsyndrome