To be annoyed that this woman ruins my dog walks?

[IAmARectangle]

I've name changed for this as I've moaned to a couple of friends in RL about it.

I live in a village that has a massive park in it, and I take our dog over to the park each day at least once as she loves it there. There is an area specifically for dogs so she can go off the lead, and she enjoys walking through the rest of it on the lead so she can have a sniff. The only other place in our village where she could go off the lead would be some woods, which are a fair walk from our house to get there and are also very muddy and flooded at this time of year. I am currently working from home and the kids are doing online learning, so I like to just nip out for a quick half hour walk.

For the last year or so there has been a woman with a dog who is at the park literally every single time I go there. Lets just say she is a chatterbox! She is always talking to someone at the park and if she gets there with her dog she makes a beeline to find someone to talk to and then talks and talks and talks and talks, about the same things over and over again.

In the last couple of months she makes a beeline for me every time she sees me. She is there literally every time I go to the park; I've tried walking the dog at every single time of daylight hours you could think of to avoid her but she is always, always there! If I think she's not there it isn't long before I see her out of the corner of my eye walking towards me and if I pretend not to see her she follows me and catches up with me, then just walks along talking at me and I just can't get away from her.

The other day I was on a work call whilst in the dog exercising area and this woman came and stood with me and as I walked around the area talking on my phone she just talked at me the whole time! I wasn't interacting with her in any way as I was on the phone but she just kept telling me the same stories that she's told me before, such as the story of where she got her dog from!

I've just literally been to the park now and as I walked into the park she was standing talking to someone so I sort of did a detour around her at the entrance so she wouldn't see me and went around the kids play area to enter the dog area a different way and yet still as we walked across the park to the dog area I could see her out of the corner of my eye following us. So I kept the dog on the lead and walked through the park as quickly as I could then made an escape and had to walk home on the main road as she was trying to catch us up.

It sounds ridiculous but she is ruining my dog walks! I like a half hour quiet walk to relax and for the dog to enjoy her walk. I'm not antisocial and always have chats with other walkers but this woman is something else! I'm normally pretty assertive but I've tried all the assertive things that would normally work and she doesn't get the hint. Even walking off from her saying 'right, better go now' she just follows me, talking at me! I can't get away from her until I actually walk out of the park gates. I've also been at the park with a friend and her dog before and this woman just started walking with us, talking 'at' us the whole time. Again, same old stories!

I don't think she's lonely as she talks about a husband and kids at home, and seems to know a lot of people. Not sure if age is relevant but she's late forties, early fifties at a guess.

AIBU to be pissed off with her?

Pre Covid I’d have found this so awkward. But now, I think you’re well within your rights to say “could you leave me alone please, I’m concerned about social distancing”. If she doesn’t go away, I think you’ll have to be more direct although it’s hard. If she doesn’t pick up on social clues etc, you’re probably best off with one sentence that you stick to and don’t deviate.

Something like “could you leave me alone please, I’d like to be alone” Again and again and again.

I know it’ll cause outage, but even if she does have some sort of special needs, it’s not your responsibility to befriend her, and to no longer be allowed to enjoy your dog walks.

Its not rude to set clear boundaries. Generally people like this (ok, to be honest I've only been direct like this with persistent men actually but its probs the same with women) will be a bit shirty when they're told a clear and firm 'no, I don't want to talk to you' but then they will go and pester someone else. Dont faff about with excuses or pretending to be talking on your.phone. just say, politely and firmly, that you don't want to chat with her. Then move on.

Dementia or SN. Maybe swap your dog for a scarier-looking one. Or can you make him growl on cue to make her back off?

I would just get some wellies on and walk to the woods instead.

I know you say it's a fair walk but needs must and you'll eventually be fit enough to speed walk there.

Ah I would have to confront her gently. With a loud voice ask her “are you following me Kim?” in a banterous way. Then follow up with “how funny that you’re always here when I pop out” and a fake chuckle.

It lets her know you’re clocked what she’s doing. If she doesn’t give you space, tell her to social distance due to COVID and if she’s still following you, just tell her straight to leave you alone that day.

RTFT - it's vanishingly unlikely to be dementia.

You have been polite and kind. Some people just don’t respect others social cues as their need is greater - to them anyway.

Op isn’t describing someone with particular issues and even in that case it’s not the ops job to devote her time to them.

This post makes me so glad I've got a cat!

I really sympathise though - this would have me in knots of anxiety too.

I just wanted to say that as she obviously doesn't respond to the usual social niceties, that even if you did manage to get her to leave you alone, surely she'd be straight back again the next day and the day after?

So I think you've only got two choices - be rude or walk your dog elsewhere.

Good luck

@NoSquirrels

Oh please, how have you diagnosed she has a hidden disability? If this were a man who insisted on following you around, wanting to talk to you, despite you saying, 'NO', would you be as understanding? Or would you find it intrusive and bordering on harassment? Do you automatically assume that the boss who makes your life hell, or the friend who bitches about you , or the teenager who tries to rob you has some undiagnosed disability because clearly they're not picking up on your cues that you don't like it?

Most stalkers have some mental health issues or hidden disabilities, where they don't pick up on social cues - so why do you think we have laws in place to stop stalking? Because it causes distress to the victim, and it is unacceptable.

The term 'overbearing' refers to someone who runs rough shod over your wants and needs and doesn't take 'No' for answer. That's what this woman is doing to OP. Sure, she may have a hidden disability. But it's not the OP's job to psychoanalyse her. It's the OP's right to be able to walk around a park in peace and not have someone follow her around.

And if telling her to 'Stop, leave me alone, go away' is the only way to do that, of course she should! And if the woman does have a hidden disablity then that should make it as clear as day to her to stop doing this. No one has the right to force contact on anyone who doesn't want it.

Well quite Poly except I'm personally out of the age range that OP in her "audacity" suggests.

Being 58 I now know how to deal with these overly-talkative late 40s/early 50s people that can't take a hint and must be dealt with in other ways.

But then I always did from even pre-21 aged times....just I'm better at it now.

Headphones and sunglasses on and ignore her.

@MargeryMcLatchie

She might have dementia. There was a lady in my village who used to stand outside her house abs stop every passer by and ask for the time, in the hope of striking up a conversation. If you don't want to speak to her, you don't have to. Either put a big pair of headphones on and point them if she says anything (as if to say, "I can't hear you") or just say "I'm sorry, I haven't got time to talk" and walk off.

In her forties?

@iklboo

Bloody hell the 'might have dementia' came out early on this one.

Bingo, but the poor dear is ‘late forties or early fifties’

PuzzledObserver's response was the best - polite and succinct.

I really don't know why, when you were on the work call, you didn't pause and mute the call and tell her to leave you in peace. If she continued to talk at you, that was totally unacceptable. You wouldn't have allowed a colleague to do that to you.

I'd never go there again. I hate confrontation so would just avoid it.

I had a similar problem with a school mum, she’d wait around at school for me and then walk home with me, just talking at me and over me if I tried to say anything. When we got to the bit where we went our separate ways it was horrendous as she’d just keep talking. I had to walk away from her in mid sentence, at first it felt really rude especially if it was an afternoon and the DC were with us, but in the end it stopped bothering me. I had a chat with DS about how rude she was to talk at us and keep us from continuing with our journey home. I also started to watch her interact with other and she wasn’t like that with them, very strange I don’t know why she singled me out like that. It properly stopped when school jumbled the classes us and our DC were no longer in the same class (DS also couldn’t stand her DD so it was a relief).

I think you’re going to have to be very blunt with her. The situation with the telephone call was ridiculous, you’re going to have to be very forceful with her. Don’t worry about being rude, you’re allowed to go about your daily business. Even if she does have any learning difficulties/early dementia it doesn’t mean you have to put up with this behaviour.

People didn't get diagnosed with SEN 40 or 50 years ago, so there could be something going on here that people have just been too polite to address.

I do feel your pain OP, I really enjoy going for a run, or previously driving to work, because it is the only time I have to myself, so having someone interupt that must be annoying.

I think I would struggle to be direct TBH, can't you just walk the dog on the streets on the lead? (I know it's not an ideal solution)

I haven't "diagnosed' her doolallysally - I said: It sounds very much like it's a hidden disability of some sort - whether diagnosed or not.

Because to me, it sounds like that, because in my extended family (more than one, in fact!) there are people who have communication issues from a hidden disability.

To you, it sounds like the woman is an overbearing twat, because your neighbour is "the kind of person who thinks they have a right to your time and company, and won't take no for an answer because it's not convenient to them".

Horses for courses.

I just said I didn't think the responses on the thread were particularly kind.

And I did tell the OP they didn't need to be the woman's friend and should make it very clear that they didn't want to be bothered. Assertively. But not rudely if possible.

I have a lady like this at my park

I never stop to talk to her just say “hi” or a quick wave as I speed walk past her

She now focuses on easier targets

You are probably just being waaaaay too accommodating. Look grumpy, when she approaches keep marching and say “Can’t talk, need to make a call” then ignore her completely

Just be rude

Honestly, she does not get your hints or facial expressions, so spell it out

@TheHateIsNotGood

It's probably "age-related" OP - you say late 40s/50s - definitely relevant in this case as no one under 40 would possibly do this.

WHAT?!?!

I did that kind of awkward British smile that we all do and pointed to my phone as if to say "I'm on a call! Fuck off' then carried on with the call but she just followed me talking at me. Nightmare!

You haven't given any examples of being assertive. This awkward British smile or 'Sorry...' isn't assertive at all and doesn't work with people like this lady.

I would never dream of swearing at her but you have to speak firmly as if you expect to be obeyed, just as teachers have to do!

Headphones up loud so you can’t hear her and just gesture “sorry busy”

Pretend to be on the phone......and say something like "Sorry, I've got someone talking at me.....(to her)....please stop talking, I need to hear this" and walk away.

This are my rules for asking someone to do one when it's reasonable to do so.

First time, polite.
Second time, firm and direct.
Third time, aggressively rude!