Is my husband selfish - working from home?

[Kuro20]

For context my husband has a study before the lockdown and works in there. I've been working from home since April with no end in sight I started off trying to work on the kitchen table which was horrendous but after I bought a cheap desk I set up an office in our only spare room. There wasn't much room due to loads of crap and a double bed. Also the only position I could put the desk causes terrible lighting issues.
My mental health needs a boost and I wanted to change my 'office' to feel more work productive and help the lighting issue. To do this we took apart the bed and all our stuff... mainly my husband's stuff propped up against the wall. Its not great but gives me a bit more space. My husband complained and moaned the whole time making me feel awful. He wouldn't take any of his crap into his office.
He actually decided to move some of his stuff....trophies, photos, prints from his study to my room into our spare room . I said this was not fair as it's his and I don't have the space so we had an argument.
What he fails to see is that he has it easy in his office, he thinks I'm being demanding and difficult to want an office space and not take on his rubbish too.
He says I'm ridiculous and selfish
I said we both pay rent 50/50 so we potentially could share the office 50/50 which he said was impossible as it was his and always been his. My point was to highlight he has a study and hasn't once considered to share or be more understanding.

Am I being difficult? Should I accept it's HIS office/study and should I allow him to palm me off with his rubbish that he doesn't want but I don't have space for?

I don't know if I'm being difficult.
Thanks

The moving his stuff into the spare room once you had it set up as a study is entirely deliberateand very symbolic. It's him saying 'I won't accept you having a space - any space - for yourself. It has to be full of my stuff so you know who is in charge here.' And all the stuff about you being difficult etc, while he does exactly the behaviour he accuses you of, is both gaslighting and a very clear reminder that he gets to determine the agenda. He's saying 'If I want to accuse you of being the difficult one while I am as difficult as hell, I will, and you will put up with it and agree with it.'

I think, rather than strategies for coping with this. you need directions to the hills. But I appreciate that is easier said than done. For now, keep evaluating his behaviour with a clear eye, assert yourself as well as you can, and (preferably) start making plans.

It's not just your spare room that's full of shit, your DH is too!!

NoSquirrels hit the nail on the head with this:

"You don’t know it, but it’s confident women that gaslighting gits get the most kick out of bringing down. You’ve got a vulnerability (“You’re so hard on yourself/such a perfectionist”) that you’ve mostly overcome in your life or turned to your advantage so that people don’t see you that way ... but he knows it’s there, because you trusted him with it, and now he’s working to undermine you. It happens a lot. Sometimes they’re not even conscious of doing it."

I'd definitely recommend counselling on your own as your DH is undermining you in a very destructive way. I'd seriously doubt he can change.

OP I just posted my own thread because your dynamic really reminded me of my own. PM if you would like to talk

My DSIS's ex husband always accused her of being irrational, emotional, unreasonable. It was all his way and any dissent from her was evidence of her being irrational.

It's amazing how calm, stable and rational she is now he's out of her life, as she was all along. She's MUCH happier too, and much more self confident!

OP he's being horrible to you.

Are you happy with him generally? Do you need to stay with him for financial reasons? Could you live on your own?

If your partner is supposed to be only person in the world who truly treats you as equal, he doesn't sound like he's a partner, even if he's your husband.

A lot of people have given you great advice about the immediate problems with your work space set up.

So, taking a different angle and looking to the future - what is the rental setup? Are you committed to a certain length of time on your tenancy? Have you access to money to get and set-up your dream 2 bedroom flat?
Your husband sounds so unkind and domineering that I doubt your marriage will last much longer anyway. He already has "form" for this!

Instead of just trying to fire fight the current problems I would urge you to find mental space, with a counsellor if possible, to envisage a better life just for you and then work towards it.

Counselling won’t solve the problem. Don’t waste more time then you need to with him. Life is short.

I would say he either shares his office with you or removes all his crap from the spare room so you each have a private room. His choice. You are lucky having 2 'spare' rooms, it should be easily sortable.

Op you haven't given much context.

Is there a huge wage disparity or working hours disparity between your respective jobs?

Do you have DC?

If the answer to the first question is "no" then I wouldn't go ahead with the second.

@AndThenTheDayBecomesTheNight

The moving his stuff into the spare room once you had it set up as a study is entirely deliberateand very symbolic. It's him saying 'I won't accept you having a space - any space - for yourself. It has to be full of my stuff so you know who is in charge here.' And all the stuff about you being difficult etc, while he does exactly the behaviour he accuses you of, is both gaslighting and a very clear reminder that he gets to determine the agenda. He's saying 'If I want to accuse you of being the difficult one while I am as difficult as hell, I will, and you will put up with it and agree with it.'

I think, rather than strategies for coping with this. you need directions to the hills. But I appreciate that is easier said than done. For now, keep evaluating his behaviour with a clear eye, assert yourself as well as you can, and (preferably) start making plans.

Agree with this totally.

Why don't you make the spare room a proper office for you? After all it's spare.

PS he sounds a dickhead - was trying tying to offer a solution short term....long term why stay with the dickhead he doesn't value you or you having space - it's all about him

Get a lawyer friend to draft a letter stating that if he doesn’t allow you fair and reasonable use of your rental, then he will be evicted and asked to pay damages.

He is being vvv unreasonable. If it's anything like the way the row would play out if it was me having it with my DH it would be:

You sticking to your guns because fundamentally you are right and he is being very selfish
He has been spoilt having that space up till now and he doesn't want to give it up but it hasn't mattered until now and has been a non-issue... Now it does matter because of the circumstances
He will sulk and be unreasonable about it but you will still stick to your guns and eventually get a fair amount of space without it being cluttered up with his shit
He will look back on the situation and agree he was a twat but it will be a bit too late for you to not think a little bit less of him as a result.

@NoSquirrels

Exactly!

OP, do you have a shed? Or room to put one up. If you can get hold of one to shove all his stuff in, that’s the first thing I’d be trying. Most people wouldn’t keep outdoor sports stuff in their home. In fact, how often does he actually snowboard?

Or do you have access to the loft space? Because the dismantled bed and the boxes of his trophies etc could go up there.

This particular thing comes down to it’s causing you stress and there’s a solution. In fact there’s a few, so which one is he willing to do.

The other stuff, definitely posh for counselling. If he’s open to it, I’d just get it booked and tell him.

He really isn't nice at all.

As soon as you don't do what he wants in the way he wants it done he kicks off and turns it around and says it's you.

Why does he have no respect for your need for a suitable work environment? As a PP asked, does he perceive your work as lesser in status somehow?

What are the trophies for- “Biggest Asshole of 2020? Champion Misogynist 2018? (I bet it’s bloody golf...)

On a practical note, if you have no attic and can’t arrange storage externally, can the snowboard go under the bed you sleep in? The binding can be removed and stored separately so the board itself can slide into a smaller spaces. Or put it wherever you store your ironing board?

Personally, however, I’d be renting a storage area somewhere and putting the dismantled spare bed and all his crap into that. Then make the spare room your sanctum, get a lock for the door and hole up in there developing your career and planning your divorce.

Ive read many threads recently with selfish men refusing family duties and such
Please take this opportunity before you have children to see that this will be your future if you do .
I’m seeing single snowboarding holidays without you while you are home with the baby , I’m seeing you asking for money which he may well keep for himself
His selfishness is a huge red flag . Please know that he won’t improve. Find someone who would offer you the office and bring you a mug of tea.

I'd worry what he is doing in his private study in the evening with a glass of wine. I'd snoop.

My DP has a habit of leaving his work clothes on the Kitchen floor. I have said repeatedly that the kitchen floor is not a floordrobe. If they are still there at bed time, they get dumped out of the back door rain or shine. He has stopped doing this now.

I know I'm really tough on myself, I don't have much confidence and a total perfectist so his not picking has really chipped away at me.
When I get upset and if I cry about this and my lack of confidence he says he hates it and doesn't know why I am so hard on myself hmmand it must be my childhood even though hes continually nit picking

Yet outwardly strong.

You could be talking about me.

I had counselling after I escaped an emotionally abusive relationship. My counsellor told me she could walk into a waiting room and spot her clients before she'd met them. By their demeanor. She said "if I can do that don't you think men like this can as well?"

You say his ex wife had the same issues? He isn't going to change. He picked you because he knew he could dominate you. Belittle you, Intimidate you. Gaslight you. Upset you. Control you.

This isn't just about the spare room, I agree with PPs. I'd honestly be considering your future with this man.

It is ridiculous. Men get studies, and women get - what, kitchens?

So bizarre

You are in a relationship with this person; you chose each other rather than a sibling; you live together

And yet... you both seem to despise one another.

What a way to live

Forget all the solutions about the stuff. Start sorting your finances and prepare to leave. He won't change because he is a practised bully and people who bully only have a pretend nice side that they bring out to control their victims with.

See a solicitor, not a counsellor.